tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-136569922024-03-12T20:36:44.652-07:00poeticnookI'm a work in progress...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger486125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-19122567090194700222022-01-29T22:24:00.008-08:002022-01-29T22:58:34.262-08:00Remembering Rachel<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">I first met you at my first job, even though we came from the same university, you already graduated when I started so I didn’t get to know you there. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">You had a reputation that preceded you - genius, workaholic, great friend. My college professor told me to seek you out if I needed a mentor at work but we didn’t really talk much about work though, it was mostly about books, math, travel, algorithms, music, the state of the nation, and whatever new tech was percolating. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">In one of my Japan business trip assignments, I got to know some of your friends and you invited us to your cute loft apartment for a movie marathon. I remember you lent me this collection of Ally McBeal DVDs to catch up on your fave TV show back then, you also shared some of the music you listened to in mini discs while I shared some of my writings with you. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">When I resigned from my first job, you gave me this book called “the curious Incident of the dog in the night-time”, and you said I would like all the mention about prime numbers there. You always had a knack for finding novels with mathematical references like Yoko Ogawa’s "hakase o aishita suushiki".</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Even though we didn’t work at the same place anymore, we still found time to email and chat about the exciting world of machine learning and all the Coursera we planned to take, I actually feel like my IQ goes up 10 notches every time we have our talks. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Before I left for Canada in 2015, you shared about your medical condition and how the doctor gave you 2 years, our conversation was lighthearted even though the topic was grave, you joked that you finally know the medical term for “my heart skips a beat”, and it didn’t sound very romantic. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Today they told me you were gone, I hopped on a zoom call with your close friends and they shared their fond memories of you. I looked back at our last conversation just a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about cognitive tools, subjects they should teach in school and our MMC logo - a hypocycloid, the path traced by a point on the circumference of a circle that is rolling inside a bigger circle.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">You’ve been a really good friend to all those who knew you and up to the very end you didn’t want to be defined by your illness, you chose instead to downplay it, quietly bear the pain, and be thankful for the extra years you’ve enjoyed. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">As I listened to all their stories about you, I realized how blessed I am to have known you, how you’ve enriched the lives of so many people and what a big hole you’ve left in the hearts of everyone who had the honor of knowing you. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">Mata aimashou, Reicheru. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">2022.01.29.10.23.p.m.p.s.t.</span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-61972569469334492772021-07-04T20:30:00.003-07:002021-07-05T08:15:56.798-07:00Wookie<p>Wookie</p><p><br /></p><p>Wookie has been with us since 2003, Papa picked her up from a friend in Davao and they took a bus and an overnight boat trip to get to us, all the while pretending to be a chicken in a box. </p><p><br /></p><p>I remember Pa used to borrow her when he was in town and she stayed in hotels, drank milk at Starbucks, and was given Lechon hocks for lunch so her preference for food was ruined for life. (spoiled dog alert)</p><p><br /></p><p>She fell on the pond at Ayala once while trying to chase some insect, hanged out at the shaded bench with Mama on the beach coz she didn’t want sand on her paws (dog diva much), took jeepney rides, taxi rides, van rides when we were taking Drei to school, road trips to family park and fishing village and now one last ride home. </p><p><br /></p><p>She’s been with us through countless house moves - come to think of it, the only reason we moved residences was to have a bigger space where she can run free. If we didn’t have her, I’m sure we would still be living in a one bedroom and stay minimalists. </p><p><br /></p><p>Wookster is a feisty one, she doesn’t greet you, she will lay on the couch or the bed and just stare at you so you have to come to her, rub her belly, give her treats, and then she goes to some unreachable corner under the bed to have a nap. I actually think she is part cat. Speaking of cats, she just looks at them, and goes about her way, she’s not into that barking and chasing stuff. </p><p><br /></p><p>When Lola came, wooks followed her around and they were instant besties, like old pals who’ve known each other forever. I guess they both know the secret to life’s longevity. </p><p><br /></p><p>18 years is impressive Wookiedookie, that’s 126 years of human life, you’ve outlived Lola and she wasn’t such a slacker when she left at 104. I guess that spoiled me into thinking that everything lasts a long time. </p><p><br /></p><p>Thank you for the walks, the cuddles, the company, the lifetime. You are very much part of our family and we loved you the best way we could, I know you loved us too in your own way. I’m sad I wasn’t there for one last hug or belly rub but I’m sure Drei took great care of you. We’re going to miss you especially in photo ops since you’re such a great poser, always ready for the ‘gram. I don’t think I’ll ever have another dog after you, you’re such a hard act to follow. Maybe I’ll just get a pet rock and stamp your face on it. </p><p><br /></p><p>Goodnight wook, go have that nap now and have those wonderful dog dreams... </p><p><br /></p><p>Wookie </p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-size: 16px;">2003 - 2021</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-size: 16px;">*Wookie had a seizure and arrested at 732AM on <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>July 5th and couldn’t be revived. We didn’t put her to sleep, she left on her own time, because that’s how she is, always getting her way up to the very last second. There are no goodbyes for Wookie, she will live forever in our hearts </span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-65883853889069741122020-12-04T02:31:00.004-08:002020-12-04T02:50:11.962-08:00Past Tense“But don’t look back in anger, I heard you say” <div><br /></div><div>Time makes memories hazy and fragile and cruel. Sometimes it even exposes things you’ve overlooked that were always hiding in plain sight. Then again, it’s not often that a blast from the past comes strolling by your present and totally changes everything you thought you once knew and held as true. </div><div><br /></div><div>Today a forgotten dream knocked on my door in broad daylight and I was reminded that what I thought I just imagined was actually a previous reality that I have lived through. It seems bizarre to even think there was a different life before the now and another place aside from here but that’s what time and distance do - they play tricks on us until everything just melts into a big pot of beautifully distorted colors that only our hearts can see through. </div><div><br /></div><div>There was a yesterday when no matter how tightly I shut my eyes and how much I covered my ears, I could still see and hear all the things that hurt me, I felt too much then but the scars are faint now and I’ve come a long way from that dark place. The torments are few and far between. </div><div><br /></div><div>While it’s easy to just pretend it didn’t happen, it’s hard to ignore the lessons we’ve learned from every fall and stumble along the way. So rather than sweeping the dust under the rug like we always do, let’s clean up after ourselves and just admit, that once upon a time we brightened the night sky like we were daylight, and for a brief moment we thought we could fly, but as most fireballs do, we crashed and burned to the ground. </div><div><br /></div><div>We lost pieces of our old selves that day but new things grew back to take their place. And even though these patched up parts don’t quite fit, we make do and we carry on. </div><div><br /></div><div>I carry on. </div><div><br /></div><div>“I can feel it comin' back again </div><div>like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind </div><div>forces pullin' from the center of the earth again”</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-75283215924800893282017-12-21T11:33:00.001-08:002017-12-21T11:36:03.489-08:00twenty seventeen2017 was a year of loss for me, but since life always struggles to seek a balance, as the brown leaves fell, green ones grew back to take their place, and somehow that has eased the solace. I'm not saying the new ones completely replaced the old but they took up their own space in my heart and found ways to comfort me.<br />
<br />
The passing of each year never fails to put me in a retrospective mood, it reminds me how ephemeral the world is, and everything else in it. It makes me question my reality, the things I've accomplished and those I've failed to do.. sort of a performance review. Did I do well? Did I learn enough? Did I give enough? Did I love enough? I don't really know how I fared but since I'm a work in progress until my last breath, I will just rise back up and strive to be better with every step and stumble I make..<br />
<br />
Today, while looking at my old blog, trying to recall when I last wrote a poem, I realized Photobucket has disabled all my images, I won't be able to see them again unless I shell out some $$ to allow third party website referencing, what a drag, 14 years worth of memories now in hostage on their servers. I can't even view them when I'm logged on to their site, I can only see the thumbnails and when I click on it, they show me that default logo that says I need to pay up to view my own photos. So of course I did what I had to do - go back to each of my post and remove the links to those snapshots so I won't see that annoying gray box.<br />
<br />
As I was reading the words written by the naive, brighter eyed me, I can't help but shake my head and mutter, "you know nothing, young padawan", and indeed I still know less than nothing until now. I doubt if I will ever grasp enough knowledge in this lifetime to make me tell myself that I did good despite of and in spite of everything else around me. But one thing is for certain, I won't give up.. or I'll try not to.<br />
<br />
<br />
2017.12.21.10.27.a.m.p.s.t.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-54889812242497189382017-08-09T23:25:00.000-07:002017-12-21T11:40:12.912-08:00Goodnight, LolaDear Lola,<br />
<br />
It’s been a long glorious life, 104 years and 28 days to be exact, but now it’s time to rest..<br />
<br />
Thank you for raising me up, for teaching me to walk and talk and count and throw milk bottles when they’re empty. (although I’m pretty sure I learned that last one on my own)<br />
<br />
I used to call you Nanay when I was growing up in Taguilos and I remember you chasing me from the river to our house because I was out playing with the other kids and you said I didn’t ask for permission (but I did! you were just sleeping when I told you I was going out, and you mumbled a yes with your eyes closed, so I guess that doesn’t count).<br />
<br />
Remember that time when the passenger boat we were on suddenly sank on the way to Manila and you were holding me up with one hand and a pair of chickens with the other? You were laughing then even if you didn’t know how to swim and you told me to just hold on to the katig so we’d make it home.. (maybe it’s time for me to learn how to swim.. so I can save more chickens later?)<br />
<br />
On your first plane ride to Cebu you were so happy and you said we should ride airplanes next time we go to Romblon so that our 12 hour boat travel will be reduced to an hour. I’m sure they have planes to our island now, I’ll fly on it for you one day..<br />
<br />
This morning I was looking at your photos to share to my friends, to tell them you’ve been recognized by DSWD as one of the centenarians in the Philippines, you had a picture with them and Tito Robert said you just started eating again after a few days of not eating much, that was just two days ago.. a few minutes after I shared your photos, Drei messaged to say that you passed away quietly in your sleep just after midnight.. everything just crashed in me in the blink of an eye..<br />
<br />
It’s time to go home now Lola, I wish I could have been there with you, I wish I could have held your hand one last time, hugged you and kissed you good night, but that’s not very possible right now..<br />
<br />
Goodnight Lola, you’re going to live forever in me..<br />
<br />
ndg.2017.08.09Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-35903834653966721972017-01-27T23:47:00.000-08:002017-12-21T11:48:52.200-08:00when good things come to an endIt's not every day that you find something that fits you perfectly, challenges you constantly, positions you in situations where you can thrive and succeed, grows with you through time, and evolves with you endlessly. So it's only natural that when you find something like that, the instinct is to cling, to hold on to it for dear life, to never let it go..<br />
<br />
However, sometimes, an event bigger than we initially expected will force us to release our hold on this something that we thought would last for always.. and slowly we must gather all the learnings, cherish all the moments, be thankful for the opportunities and appreciate it for what it has helped us to become, before we finally move on to take on other things..<br />
<br />
Working with this team for the past 6 years gave me the chance to meet a lot of brilliant minds and take on many different responsibilities, it has stretched me and helped shape me to become the person I am today. If things were different, I would stay and grow old with it, this is the company I've been with the longest, and it was a difficult decision to leave.<br />
<br />
But things are not different, and I have to choose one over the other because I couldn't do both - belong to an organization I value and pursue my personal dream at the same time. Maybe someday when I have achieved my goal, I will come back here if the doors are still open for me.<br />
<br />
For now, I just want to thank everyone for making this journey a defining one. I would like to create more memories with you and more contributions to this corporation next time.<br />
<br />
So no goodbyes, just hellos, and see you all someday soon..<br />
<br />
2017.01.27.10.27.p.m.p.s.t.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-84708708846334794522016-07-04T11:22:00.000-07:002017-12-21T11:35:18.703-08:00remember when the circus came to towndear ma,<br />
<br />
being the only daughter of Lola’s only daughter certainly has its perks, this doesn’t include borrowing your shoes, bags and clothes because they really wouldn’t fit me anyway, but that’s ok. you gave me more than just things that can be bought from a store. you gave me love, faith and patience – although that last trait is sometimes being cancelled out by this other set of genes in my system :).<br />
<br />
i am amazed at how crazy our life has been and how we were apart more often than we were together, but despite everything we’ve been through, i will always remember that time when we were sharing a cup of Nissin’s instant ramen in that small room at the second floor of a boarding house in Singalong and you told me it was your birthday. I looked at your sad eyes across the steam rising from the cup between us and gave you a hug – I knew then, more than anything else, that I wanted you to be happy.<br />
<br />
you once said that “you and me against the world” was our theme song and i liked that part at the end when the kid says “i love you, mommy”. when I close my eyes I still see the little me hugging all your clothes in your closet whenever you would leave me alone to go to work. and I would laugh when i recall myself crying in front of the electric fan while you sang Green Fields.<br />
<br />
i don’t know if i ever said i loved you enough and it breaks my heart when i break yours with the things i say or do, but i hope you know that all my life i have tried my best to be someone who deserves all the sacrifices you have done for me.<br />
<br />
today is your birthday in your time zone and I know you don’t celebrate such things but please know that I still wish the same thing that the younger me wished for you many years ago – happiness – no matter how elusive and difficult that choice seems to be.<br />
<br />
I want to give you a hug right now but I only have words to fill this space between us. someday I will finally grow up to be someone you can be proud of and maybe all your dreams for me will finally come true, but until then please be happy everyday and send my love to Lola who gave the world the gift of you.<br />
<br />
ndg.2016.07.04Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-32896681656712311312016-04-19T11:38:00.000-07:002017-12-21T11:39:10.492-08:00the cookie questMy self confessed foodie friend (and who my mom always said would make everything taste great just by her endorsement) introduced me to The Cookie. It was just another Saturday spent strolling along the Bay Area and walking across the Golden Gate Bridge then dinner at the Cheesecake Factory when she said we should stop by Bristol Farms at Market street to try the (in)famous cookie. I’d have to say, it ruined all cookies for me and I wished I bought more to take back to Vancouver.<br />
<br />
This time around, in between short hikes and long drives to Yosemite and Lake Tahoe, I decided (come hell or high water) that I’m going to take a dozen cookies back with me. Since I’m staying at Shing’s pad in San Jose, going to the cookie store means an hour and a half drive to Ria’s place in Millbrae then another hour ride at the ear splitting BART.<br />
<br />
Ria said I should think real hard and make sure it’s worth it because it’s definitely out of the way. However, I already said my promises, so skipping the cookie was definitely out of the question.<br />
<br />
Sometimes in life, it’s so easy to just blurt out words without thinking about the follow throughs. Often, people make empty vows and half meant jokes (like politicians these days) and then pass them out as nothing more than fairy tales and parables to fill up idle time.<br />
<br />
I’m definitely not one of those people who spews out words without meaning. Words are sacred to me. I’m a sucker for a well written prose. I always try to mean what I say and say what I mean, and I do my best to keep my promises.<br />
<br />
So yeah, I’m sure this isn’t the best cookie in the world, and it’s probably not healthy either, but then sometimes it’s not the actual thing that matters but rather the journey to get it.<br />
<br />
This is surely one of those cookie stories that will go down in history.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-45158350944276219952015-12-31T10:29:00.001-08:002015-12-31T10:35:43.517-08:00flying towards the unknown2015 started out hopeful as I still had a hangover from the volunteer activity in Ecuador and the side trip to Peru. The people I met there reminded me that I was working with the world's most brilliant minds, making me feel like a kid walking among giants. It was both an enriching and humbling experience. They inspired me to achieve greater heights in my career, and I was duly recognized.<br />
<br />
The rest of the year unfolded as it should, I immersed myself in family, work, friends, travel and hobbies while I grew roots and faded into mediocrity. It was predictable and safe, it was frighteningly comfortable, I was almost on the verge of contentment, and I would have stayed there if I could, but then life happened.<br />
<br />
Life's like that, it doesn't prepare you for a denouement, it takes you up then slams you down, forcefully to the ground, without warning, and you are left clueless on what just happened, as you try to pick up your broken pieces and decide what you'll do next.<br />
<br />
Coelho said "don't be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away". When I decided to leave my comfort zone for good, it felt like I was running away. I was not really looking for anything in particular but something found me, something that needed to be distilled by time to make it pure. So I chose distance to make me wiser, but I think Murakami may have been right, "distance might not solve anything, no matter how far you run".<br />
<br />
So here I am, thirty three days later and seven thousand miles away, I jumped off the cliff and I'm about to hit the ravine, but I'm still struggling to grow my wings.<br />
<br />
I've got nothing on me save for an inked pen, a notebook and three minutes of your time, so here's the one zillion simoleon question of a lifetime: will you come fly with me?<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-25259499325027570812015-12-17T14:34:00.001-08:002016-01-06T19:34:28.847-08:00supermanDear Papa,<br />
<br />
Happy birthday to you! Today you will be 61, I wonder where you are, are you celebrating with friends or family or just on your own looking out to the sea?<br />
<br />
Once upon a time you were my superhero, my Santa Claus, my protector, the tallest and strongest and most handsome guy in the world, the man I look up to, the one who will read me bed time stories at night, sing Simon and Garfunkel to make me fall asleep, and sing "Mockingbird hill" to wake me up each morning. Once upon a time you taught me how to play chess and ping pong and bowling and billiards and poker until I learned to count Hershey's kisses like chips that I can use to call, raise or go all in.<br />
<br />
I remember we used to go on midnight drives to the gas station convenience store to buy chocolates or to Minute Burger to have a midnight snack. Life was so simple then, the house in Bulacan was like a distant dream that I used to visit every summer so Kuya and I can play Monopoly and hide and seek with our cousins.<br />
<br />
Everything is so different now. I last saw you three years ago when we had dinner at Shakey's, you told me about your life and where you're headed then you asked me what my plans were. We talked like old friends and suddenly I missed the father who knew the answers to all the questions, the cure to all the pain, and the solutions to all the problems. There were so many things I wanted to ask you then but it looks like as we grow older we'll just have to figure things out on our own.<br />
<br />
Pa, I think I got my anger issues and running away genes from you. I try to keep it at bay and everyday is a chance for me to be better, but sometimes I just want to leave everything behind and go as far away as I can to a place where no one knows me. I think that's where you are right now, did you ever find happiness there? Is it everything you had hoped it would be?<br />
<br />
You once told me that when you grow old, you just want to go to the mountains and live a simple life among indigenous people then teach them crafts, I wanted to ask you "but what about me? what about us?", but then you taught me not to be the clingy, needy, possessive type. Instead you showed me how to be strong, independent and unattached, like you.<br />
<br />
Someday, maybe I will see you tuning a guitar and singing "Bookends" or sitting at an old cafe playing chess with a random stranger and talking about the history of the world.<br />
<br />
Till then, I hope you are with people who love you and I hope they are taking good care of you, or since you don't like that domesticated crap, I hope you are strong and healthy and still fighting with life.<br />
<br />
Your daughter,<br />
-<br />
<br />
2015.12.18.6.35.a.m.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-30626132869233932682015-11-16T04:22:00.000-08:002015-12-17T14:38:04.546-08:00when worlds collideSometimes when you love someone, you want to give them the moon. Even though they probably wanted something totally different, like perhaps a flower, or a butterfly or maybe the sun.<br />
<br />
Love blinds you, it makes you think that what's good for you is good for the other person too, you fail to notice or refuse to accept that you actually value different things.<br />
<br />
I've made this mistake a couple of times before. I've imposed my will on others because I thought that was what's good for them. I was too caught up in my own reveries that I ignored what was in front of me, the telltale signs I didn't see.<br />
<br />
This is as vague as it gets, but this one's for you. I'm sorry if I always beg for your time, if I always ask you to hang out with me, if I keep you away from what you're supposed to be doing, if I don't understand what's important to you. I guess i just want to take enough of your memories with me to keep me company for all the days I will be spending without you, I know I'm being selfish.<br />
<br />
I wish I knew how to deal with you better, but life didn't give me a manual when you came into my world. I just guessed my way through it and sometimes it worked, but most of the times it didn't.<br />
<br />
I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I didn't cause you any in the first place, but I was totally unprepared for you. If I could turn back time, I would do things differently, but time only moves forward, so I have to live with the consequences of my actions or inaction and I just have to make up for it.<br />
<br />
I wish you didn't have to build your walls, I wish we could talk like old friends who didn't have any baggages, but as it is is, we have to figure this out and go through this together. I know you may want to go on your own way and leave me stranded, but I want you to remember this, even if this is the only thing you will remember from me:<br />
<br />
I care for you deeply, although my words don't always say it, and my actions don't often reflect it, but I. Do. Care. For you. Deeply. I could lay down my life for you, you don't even have to ask it.<br />
<br />
So please be good while I'm gone, stay focused and keep chasing your dreams. Don't let the world distract you from what's real. Don't stumble, but if you do, please rise up and wash the mud from your feet. Keep fighting the good fight. Don't give up. I'm always cheering for you, no matter how far away from you I become.<br />
<br />
I will always be proud of you.<br />
<br />
And you probably already know this, but somehow writing it down makes it more real, I love you.<br />
<br />
<br />
2015.11.15.8.13.p.m.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-31795340805042710652015-11-07T01:13:00.001-08:002015-12-17T14:36:02.926-08:00lost and foundThis weekend is about finding things. But before I could find them, I had to lose them first.<br />
<br />
Last night after I did my last minute hotel bookings, I couldn't find my credit card. I remember placing it on the couch but then somehow between that and dinner, it disappeared. I have never really lost any material thing of value, but lately I've been misplacing items, forgetting stuff, losing track of time. So now I have a pile of tasks I need to do and none of them are getting done. I guess all these baggages weighing on me have taken a toll on my mind.<br />
<br />
So back to the card, I searched high and low and finally stuck my hand in the sides of the couch then lo and behold - my brother's missing brass retrakt from 8 months ago was there. It was all grimy and icky but still functional. So I took some lemon juice and baking soda (courtesy of wiki how and brilliant Mike) and proceeded to clean it. It didn't come out shiny and there were still a few battle scars left but that would have to do for now. After all I was looking for a lost MasterCard not a brass ballpoint haha<br />
<br />
After a few more negotiations with the couch, I finally found the missing card, it slipped into one of those hidden corners. Life is full of surprises, sometimes while we are in search of something we've lost, we come across something totally different that someone else has been looking for. I'm glad I was able to help my brother find his pen although I think he has already accepted it as gone. He doesn't even want it anymore :)<br />
<br />
Today I wanted to go up to the mountains before sunset so I can see the sky turn to pink. But because of my current state of mind, I somehow misplaced the car keys. I distinctly recall putting it inside my bag so I was at a loss when it wasn't there. If it was a phone I could have called it, but the problem with keys is they don't ring :) After going up and down the house and burning 1000 calories, I found it on mom's couch in her room. Now how did the keys walk there? Probably when I was changing clothes, or there's an elf in the house, or I'm losing my mind haha any which way I'm glad I found it, although not where I expected it to be.<br />
<br />
Maybe that's how I should walk through life, open to finding things in the most unexpected places. And open to finding something totally different from what I was initially looking for.<br />
<br />
I guess the lesson here is this, nothing is ever lost, nothing that can't be found. If it can't be found, then it's not lost, it's purposely hiding from you haha<br />
<br />
Or just keep digging through couches, you don't know what you'll discover. :)<br />
<br />
<br />
2015.11.7.5.08.p.m.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-52297607404455214192015-10-25T20:36:00.001-07:002016-01-06T19:34:10.731-08:00memory is such a fleeting thing or the search for an invisible pigToday mom went to get her biometrics done at the local Comelec pop up booth so I am in charge of accompanying Lola at home. Everything was going well until she remembered that she lost her pig, somebody stole it, so we should get up and look for it. I told her that maybe they turned the pig into Lechon, this being the famous city of roasted pigs but she insisted that we go out and find it. And so we did.<br />
<br />
Memory is such a fleeting thing, I wonder if someday I will reach 101 and look for lost pigs. How sad and confusing it must be to wake up to a future where the 101 year old me has lost a beloved pig and nobody is there to help me find it. I wonder if I will have grandchildren who will care for me and go on a quest with me or if I will be shipped to a facility with indifferent caregivers who don't understand what it's like to lose something they can't see.<br />
<br />
Today Lola and I are off to an adventure to find an invisible pig, and this will be one of best adventures I will always remember.<br />
<br />
<br />
2015.10.26.11.20.a.m.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-39730298293448759982014-08-12T20:33:00.002-07:002017-12-21T09:12:15.726-08:00in passingWe don't talk about death in the family. Death is like a piece of dirt that we prefer to hide under the carpet rather than sweep away into its proper place.<br />
<br />
I've wondered about this a lot of times. Why do we pretend it didn't happen? Why do we keep quiet and go about our daily tasks thinking that if we ignore or deny its existence then death will just go away, and it won't be real anymore?<br />
<br />
Four days ago a neighbor threw away two one-day-old kittens outside our gate. One of them died on the spot, the other one fought for life, crying relentlessly, demanding to be heard, felt, loved.<br />
<br />
I named him Miro, it would have been a miracle if he survived given his condition, but we tried anyway. We bought him pet's milk and a nurser bottle and did our best to care for a little life that was carelessly thrown away by irresponsible people.<br />
<br />
Sadly, miracles don't grow on trees these days, not that it ever did, but I was hoping this once it would appear from out of nowhere to fight death, and let life win.<br />
<br />
Life won. Miro passed away yesterday morning. He fought for life for a few days before death took him away ever so swiftly, silently, without mercy.<br />
<br />
Today Miro's little life was heard, felt, loved. And forever remembered.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-37594947464309754652014-03-19T20:21:00.000-07:002017-12-21T09:12:51.958-08:00dusk falls on oble<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Many sunsets ago, I used to sit here waiting for the moon to come out while the naked stone man with his arms outstretched looked up to the sky as if in surrender. Perhaps he too was waiting for shooting stars, or for some sort of wisdom to rain like manna from heaven so that all important questions will finally be answered.</span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /><br />If any such torrent ever happened back then, I was probably absent, because up to now I still have questions, but unlike before, when I was still blinded by the idealism of youth, I no longer care if these will ever be answered. Maybe this only means I'm finally growing up, or I'm finally letting go.<br /><br />I was big on meanings then, and I was so fixated on closure that I chased ghosts because I needed logic before I can accept things and let them be. Lately I've realized that it's interesting to lead life not knowing what's going to happen next, or why events happened in the past. It's better just being in the moment, and taking it all in, like a masterpiece that just wants to be appreciated and not a subject that needs to be dissected in order to be understood.<br /><br />Tonight I remember the 17 year old me whose tears fell on the concrete pavements of this university. I have probably not fully recovered from that first heartbreak and I think Theodore said it best, : "Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt."<br /><br />Maybe things were bigger then because I thought my mind was too small to understand everything. But the secret was never in understanding, rather in accepting, with arms outstretched, gazing at the heavens. I guess that stone guy knew this all along.<br /><br />And if ever there's one thing I learned from that girl who used to wait for sunsets, it's this: "this too, shall pass".<br /><br />2014.03.19.6.31.p.m.<br /><br /><br /><br />---<br />in transit</span>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-60449176579092688242013-11-03T11:04:00.001-08:002015-12-17T14:37:03.867-08:00beta<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-G39jyFsonBY/UnaeJmgIepI/AAAAAAAABE4/18H6cv5tOGU/s640/blogger-image--1661356810.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-G39jyFsonBY/UnaeJmgIepI/AAAAAAAABE4/18H6cv5tOGU/s640/blogger-image--1661356810.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
if<br />
<div>
on an autumn day</div>
<div>
I get lost between the fallen leaves</div>
<div>
longing</div>
<div>
longing for the morning</div>
<div>
before I retrace my steps</div>
<div>
down that path </div>
<div>
where you showed me secrets</div>
<div>
of flowers that never fade</div>
<div>
of three suns that never set</div>
<div>
and</div>
<div>
the beating hearts</div>
<div>
that never stop</div>
<div>
nor bleed, nor break</div>
<div>
but I hope I will find you</div>
<div>
still waiting</div>
<div>
because I </div>
<div>
may have lost myself in you</div>
<div>
and you knew it all along</div>
<div>
yes you knew</div>
<div>
but you</div>
<div>
just held me</div>
<div>
then led me</div>
<div>
and I found myself in you</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2013.11.03.10.53.am.pst</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-22902612187391240782013-10-23T14:29:00.000-07:002017-12-21T09:04:25.543-08:00hello wordshello, it's you again,<br />
knocking on my door like an old friend,<br />
I see you're still stringing words<br />
trying to beat me in that fleeting rhyme game<br />
<br />
hi there, it's me once more<br />
playing hide and seek with the rain<br />
I hold your hand as if we never parted<br />
rewriting lines I've long since forgotten<br />
<br />
adieu, it's time to leave<br />
before the rains flood the door of my memory,<br />
the words may rhyme and find new meanings<br />
as your hands trace my lines 'til the morning<br />
<br />
but for now,<br />
the sky is dark,<br />
and the night is long,<br />
so let's go back to dreaming<br />
<br />
2013.10.23.2.24.pm.pstUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-36513635864093819452013-09-27T20:30:00.000-07:002015-12-17T14:38:51.446-08:00sfo<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">With a pack on my back and a bag to lug around,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I walk in between the drops of Vancouver rain</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Escaping a city that’s passing me by</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Like a seasoned wanderer that leaves without care</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Will tomorrow find me with quarters and loonies?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or another couch to surf and fall asleep on?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Will the answers lead me to yet more questions?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Or will I finally leave this life without a home?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I trace the lines on my face and wonder</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If my dreams lie across the bridge made of gold</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There’s no way to know unless I start walking,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So perhaps I should dream no more.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">With a pack on my back and a bag to lug around,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I fly towards the skies of San Francisco</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">2013.09.27.05.50.pm.pst</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-9590811543630734442013-09-15T12:12:00.001-07:002013-09-15T12:14:56.720-07:00moving onto <a href="http://n27.ca/">n27.ca</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-3691406575925685822013-08-09T12:58:00.001-07:002015-12-17T14:42:59.078-08:00bus 19in the buses here, the gazes never meet<br/>
like time-bound travellers rushing from one destination to the next,<br/>
there is no time to say "hi, how do you do?" or "what a lovely morning, it looks like it won't rain"<br/>
just a quick "thank you, driver" before we get off and leave again<br/><br/>
as people are trapped in their own devices, with music that matches the soundtrack of their lives<br/>
the ride goes on from suburb to slums to downtown to park, <br/>
and shuttles us from house to work to leisure then back to places we call home for now,<br/><br/>
I find myself back here again,<br/>
in the middle of everything and nothing all at once<br/>
Everything goes in circle<br/>
Even bus 19<br><br/>
2013.08.08.2013.5.03.p.m.pst.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-14983127961185556282013-07-01T13:20:00.002-07:002013-07-06T21:02:50.288-07:00ang hindi lumingonSabi nila, marami daw ang nakakalimot lumingon sa kanilang pinanggalingan. Hindi ko minsan naisip na mangyayari to sa kin.<br />
<br />
Parang kahapon lang ng ako'y nasa Sibuyan kasama si Lola, umiigib ng
tubig sa poso, nagtatampisaw sa ilog at dagat, nagtatabi tabi po sa mga
kulipaw at nagbibilang ng mga huni ng kuliglig pagdating ng gabi dahil
walang ingay ng mga de kuryenteng gamit sa paligid.<br />
<br />
Naalala ko pa na pinapapasok namin ni Lolo ang mga manok sa ilalim ng
aming bahay kubo tuwing hapon at ginigising kami ng mga tilaok nito
pagdating ng umaga. Pag tanghali naman ay sinusubukan naming sungkitin
ang mga lomboy, mangga, at tambis sa aming puno para meron kaming
imimiryenda.<br />
<br />
Ang simple ng buhay noon, walang kailangan pag aralan kundi ang paglipas ng panahon at pag iwas sa mga bagyong sasalanta sa aming taniman. Kung
suswertihin ay may malalaking isda o lambay na ilalako sa aming bakod at
papalitan ang mga ito ni Lola ng isang salop na bigas o ng ilang niyog
at saging.<br />
<br />
Maliit din ang mundo noon, lahat ng tao sa paligid ay pamangkin ng
kapatid ng apo ng tatay ng pinsan ni kuwan. Lahat ng tao ay kamag anak,
mabait at mapagkakatiwalaan.<br />
<br />
Hindi ko alam kung kelan ko unang napansin na nagbago ang ikot ng mundo,
kung kelan naging kumplekado ang lahat, kung kelan biglang lahat ng
bagay ay natutumbasan ng pera, kung kailan nawala ang pagtitiwala ng mga
tao sa isa't isa.<br />
<br />
Siguro nagsimula ito ng tumigil sa paghuni ang mga kuliglig na
natabunan ng tunog ng mga radyo at telebisyon sa kanto. Malamang kasabay
nito ang pagkawala ng mga kulipaw at mga puno sa paligid ng dati naming
kubo. Isa isa na ring nawala ang mga pinsan ng tatay ng apo ng kapatid
ng pamangkin ni kuwan. Baka nagpa syudad na sila o nangibang bansa at
iniwan ang sariling bayan.<br />
<br />
Noong isang araw ay napanaginipan ko si Lola, nakangiti sya ng sabihin
kong sasakay ako ng eroplano at tatawid ng langit para dalhan sya ng
malalaking tsokolate at mansanas. "Ay sarawayon ka gid", ang sabi nya,
"ano imong ginahambal, wara na gani ko'y ngipon, anhun pa naku ang
mansanas, wa na kadulot! Ayaw na pagkadto", sabay tawa at kurot sa aking
tuhod.<br />
<br />
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako aalis pero kailangan. Minsan kapag bumukas
ang pinto, dapat itong puntahan para malaman kung ano ang nasa kabilang
dulo. Maaring masaktan, magkamali, madapa, masugatan, pero hindi ito ang
pinaka nakakatakot na pwedeng mangyari sa buhay. Mas nakakatakot
mabuhay ng parating nagtatanong ng kung ano kaya sana.<br />
<br />
Sabi nila, marami daw ang nakakalimot lumingon sa kanilang pinanggalingan. Sa tingin ko, hindi ito mangyayari sa kin<br />
<br />
23 minuto makalipas ang ika-4 ng umaga, ika-2 ng Hulyo, 2013Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-77906425458984522442013-06-25T02:57:00.000-07:002013-07-01T13:21:29.143-07:00my friend<br />
I wrote this piece back in the first semester of 1999 while sitting in at a class of Abstract Algebra, this was in response to <a href="http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/khalil-gibran/my-friend-201/">the poem in Kahlil Gibran's "The Madman"</a>, which I was reading while the professor was discussing ring homomorphisms - talk about multitasking!<br />
<br />
I finished writing it in less than an hour, faster than I could prove isomorphic functions. If I had pursued creative writing, I'm sure I would have been pondering on the origins of natural numbers while the professor rambles on about metaphors.<br />
<br />
I guess it just shows that we are more than the things we study, more than degrees and titles we add to our names, more than labels and boxes we try hard to fit ourselves into.<br />
<br />
We are infinite possibilities waiting to happen, and we can do more as long as we put our heart and mind into it.<br />
<br />
my friend, I dream too much of the past,<br />
too much that I've lost myself in it,<br />
unable to wake and live once more.<br />
<br />
the "I" in me my friend<br />
would like to leave the house of silence,<br />
for it has been there for too long,<br />
I would not like to be chained forever<br />
<br />
when you called me and I did not answer,<br />
my mind was flying over the hills and high mountains,<br />
I was finding myself<br />
I was hoping you'd find me<br />
<br />
my friend, you do not understand my wandering thoughts,<br />
but I'd like you to understand,<br />
I cannot fly alone<br />
<br />
when I look at the sunset,<br />
you impatiently wait for the break of dawn,<br />
yet even then we bask under the radiance of the same moon,<br />
how I would like you to see my sunset,<br />
as I would love to welcome your dawn<br />
<br />
when you swim for the shore, my friend,<br />
I let the waves crush me to the rocks,<br />
for death is the only way I know I could be free.<br />
I wish I knew how to swim<br />
I wish you could teach me<br />
<br />
you say I love truth and beauty and righteousness,<br />
yet you do not see how I burn,<br />
how I wish you would see,<br />
but you do not want to,<br />
so I let you believe<br />
<br />
my friend, I am not good and wise, no I am not perfect<br />
I would like to shout and be mad for once,<br />
but my walls are too high,<br />
no one will hear me<br />
<br />
my friend, you tell me I am not your friend,<br />
help me to understand,<br />
can we not walk together?<br />
I'll let you lead the way,<br />
let me take your handUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-51071330745397073002013-06-24T01:55:00.001-07:002015-12-31T10:58:31.480-08:00the pursuit of useless things<br />
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<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-UWB9p8sqjYU/UcgJeEUAK5I/AAAAAAAABBU/q5vFCI_oUj4/s640/blogger-image-1147626304.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-UWB9p8sqjYU/UcgJeEUAK5I/AAAAAAAABBU/q5vFCI_oUj4/s640/blogger-image-1147626304.jpg" /></a></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<br /></div>
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does it blink? does it shine?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
does it help me make a rhyme?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
will it cut? will I bleed?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
will it tell me when it's time?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
all these tiny useless things </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
they keep me away from You</div>
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this silver and this gold</div>
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they hide from me what's true</div>
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2013.06.23.4.41.p.m.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-34876885023457998922013-06-20T11:55:00.001-07:002013-06-20T11:55:48.259-07:00brilliant ambre brown de birmanie<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-7GuNFgmIAAc/UcNQMuZbQoI/AAAAAAAABBE/NpX3dzi1w_k/s640/blogger-image--1517334384.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-7GuNFgmIAAc/UcNQMuZbQoI/AAAAAAAABBE/NpX3dzi1w_k/s640/blogger-image--1517334384.jpg"></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13656992.post-22604141514477255542013-06-05T19:53:00.001-07:002013-06-20T11:56:12.787-07:00homeless again, naturally<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-AYV74Xgy_bs/Ua_5oJ78o-I/AAAAAAAABAo/MxJrK8XQLN8/s640/blogger-image--253310364.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-AYV74Xgy_bs/Ua_5oJ78o-I/AAAAAAAABAo/MxJrK8XQLN8/s640/blogger-image--253310364.jpg"></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0