here is how i fared in this online personality disorder test: (goes to show how demented i am)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

some additional info from www.mentalhealth.com

Paranoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
2. is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
3. is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
4. reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
5. persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
6. perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
7. has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Schizoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
2. almost always chooses solitary activities
3. has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
4. takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
5. lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
6. appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
7. shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, another Psychotic Disorder, or a Pervasive Developmental Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition

Borderline Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
4. is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
5. is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Dependent Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
2. needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
3. has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.
4. has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
5. goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
6. feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
7. urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
8. is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

here's a fairly detailed account of my recent baguio escapade =)


the journeythe trip to baguio itself is already an adventure, getting there, and getting out of there was the real challenge. my friend ree and i were hoping to catch the 2am bus trip but arriving there at exactly 2am didnt really help =p we really couldnt blame ourselves because i must admit, it was hard getting a taxi at 1am while standing at the train railways =) the next available trip would be at 6;30am, camping out at the bus terminal waiting till sunrise didnt sound like a good idea so we just opted to risk and try the unknown by going there via dagupan,. the next bus to dagupan leaves at 3am, so we happily seated ourselves on the bus and crossed our fingers. there was still hope that we'll arrive at our destination in one piece =)

we reached dagupan at around 9am, and the bangus festival was on going, part of me wanted to stay there and see the festival, but the bigger part of me just wanted to board the next bus and proceed to the pine tree haven. i was so tired, my head ached, and i was on the verge of hurling, apparently i'm not used to long bus rides anymore, and we havent even reached the place.

finally at half past 11, we got out of the baguio victory terminal with our 10pm return trip tickets for sunday.


the shop-a-holicsmy cousin arrived to pick us up at the terminal and we proceeded to her place to deposit our things and take a quick shower. the ice cold water brought me back to reality, and i was wide awake again in no time despite the fact that i havent slept in 30 hours straight. we had lunch at dencio's which was housed in the newly constructed SM, the place was great, it sat on top of a hill overlooking the mountains and the city. we had a big lunch which probably was a sign that there was a long and tiring day ahead, and indeed the day went by as prophesized. we shopped for souvenirs, clothes and what have you. incidentally there was a 3 day midnight sale at SM, so we also took part in that, at around 12am, there was a band at the bazaar area and they were playing john mayer songs. i was cold and foot sore before we retired back to our room. but even before that, we were already contemplating on how we'd get back to the city earlier than 10pm the next day. if our computations were correct, we'd be arriving at around 4am monday, and that would leave us very little time for preparation in going to work. we had two options:

1. sell our return tickets and go home via dagupan again
2. try our luck being chance passengers for the 4pm trip

we chose the option 2 and i fell asleep listening to the beach boys sing my favorite sad song =)


sunrise and picnici woke up at 6am the next day and watched the sun go up while i stood on the terrace, so many things were going through my head, things from the past that kept flashing back, but i blocked them all out, i looked at the 2 sleeping figures on the bed and i wished i was still asleep and not thinking too much. so sleep again i did, or rather tried, i snuggled against the big hotdog pillow and pulled the sheets over my head, i wanted to hide and wait for the rest of the world to wake up. we finally went out of the house at around past 10, we shopped for some more souvenirs and procured our lunch.

getting lunch was in itself an ordeal, we walked for around 30 minutes just to buy food from different shops, finally we boarded a taxi to camp john hay. we had a picnic there near the small statue of liberty and after that we visited the graveyard of bad habits. we walked and walked and finally took another cab to take us back to the dry goods market so we can buy some bottled food stuff that we could bring home to our friends or family, my cousin bought two potted rose plants that her aunt requested, it was really heavy and i kidded her that maybe her aunt was an evil step mom in disguise =p


the long way homewe were standing in line at the terminal by 3:30pm and there were already around 40 people in front of us, the chance that we would be boarding an early bus looked slim considering that they were calling only 2 or 3 chance passengers per bus per hour. then the bonus trip came, and it was like winning a lottery jackpot, 50 people were accomodated, ree was so happy, my cousin was lost in her virtual world of texting =p, and i was just relieved that we would finally be able to sit down, my feet were still literally swelling, some insect probably bit me.

the ride home was rather uneventful, the driver played old love songs while most people slept. kat and i talked about childhood and dreams and fears. it brought back memories of summers spent in bulacan, moving from one city to the other, changing schools every so often and not making friends, college teachers and favorite subjects, moving away and living alone, things that go by unnoticed or things that want to fade into oblivion and things that dont want to be remembered, we talked about everything and nothing at all.

at the bus stopover, we went down to buy some snacks and to stretch our aching legs. kat and ree slept for the remainder of the trip while i drifted in and out of reality, listening to the song selection of the local radio station.

"You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night"
- "Promise Me" (Beverly Craven) -

im trying to run away from my past by moving away but i seem to be going in circles, maybe i was right, there is no ultimate point of arrival, the journey is a circle, and if we find ourselves standing where we started, then that doesnt mean that we have gone nowhere, because we may have lost parts of ourselves by getting where we are, but we've also gained pieces that will make our puzzle complete.

i'm off to baguio at 2am tomorrow, its my second time to go there, the first time was 3 years ago i think, i hope i can write something about the experience when i come back on sunday. happy weekend everyone =)

here's a rehash from beyond forever:



tops: a journey revisited
The first time I went to tops was back in 1996 with family and friends. We were first timers in Cebu, so we did the obligatory tour around the best spots of the city. And tops was one of them, so they say. I hated the place then, it was raining, there were no stars, the wind was freezing and worse, I didn't bring a jacket. It was just like Tagaytay without the volcano, the hanging bridge, cottages, the lake, the boat ride... The next day I woke up with a flu, and a fever so high I could make water boil with my head, hmm, well not really, but it felt like that anyway. I thought to myself, next time I wont let myself be dragged from my bed without my trusty jacket, especially when mountain tops are in the destination list.

The next time was with a friend. Apparently my friend hasn't been there yet, so i felt that it was my duty to pay one of Cebu's tourist spots a visit in honor of my friend. Some sort of a tribute before my friend left for somewhere, with a hint of not coming back. We went there out of a whim actually. After watching the last full show of good will hunting at Ayala, and going home to my room with a final exam in logic and set theory at the back of my head, I decided to go out and find a taxi that would take us to tops. there was nothing new with the place, two years after I first visited it, the entrance fee was higher though, I noticed. It was almost the end of the semester, with a promise of a two month much awaited and well deserved summer vacation for battered college students like us.., and yet there was a sense of foreboding goodbyes and unremarked leave-takings. Somehow everything in my head has come together to show me some of the spirit of that strange and enchanting place. perhaps it is not only the place which makes a moment worthwhile, but also the people, events and feelings wrapped around with it. We went home at around 2a.m. It was foolish of me to bring my notebook there, thinking I would be able to study in the cold and dark. The next day I hurried to finish my exam, my friend would be leaving by boat that afternoon, and I left my damn diskette at home, very convenient for me, especially since that day was supposed to be the deadline of our last programming assignment. "sky rockets in flight" was still playing in my mind, a fragment of the song "afternoon delight", as I was boarding the jeepney back to school. I did not dare look back to my friend's shadow walking away from me. I hate goodbyes.

The last time I went there was two years and two months ago today. I was with that same friend, but the wind was blowing differently then. A pause between our words could mean a heart beat or a heart break. It was like a dance with the devil, a wrong step and he wins your soul. I'll never forget that last time, again it was unexpected. I got a text message out of the blue, we were to meet at my friend's house then go wherever the soles of our feet would take us. 15 minutes at the net cafe, a light snack at dunkin with the pineapple filled donut out of stock, and me ending up with a pineorange juice instead. We practiced aimless wandering for some time, saying things at the top of our minds, things without meanings, things that could easily slip out like "when were you ever fair?". and me clutching my heart afraid i'd miss a step and end the dance too soon.

It's funny how I recall things long past and take each fragment of memory as if they were from yesterday, the wounds still fresh, the scents still lingering.. I guess that's my punishment for having a long term memory.

What can I say about tops that last time? I don't know, nothing much really, I remember paying for the entrance fee with my hundred peso bill and forgetting the change, I remember looking earnestly at the cliff, bare without trees, at my cell phone wondering foolishly to myself why it has a signal, and my friend laughing at my stupidity pointing out that we are near a communications tower. There were no stars that night, or maybe the light from the tower was just too bright, I didn't see the moon either. I only heard random voices whispering in dark. I didn't catch if they were lies or promises, neither did i care.

In the universe I am merely a dot. a singular light that may fade out any minute, nothing I could have done would have made a difference. but there I was struggling to freeze frame the moment, to stop the morning light from coming, and to keep our minds inebriated by shadows of the past. our worlds spun too fast that i almost lost my bearings.

The walk home was the longest I ever took. Literally and metaphorically. There were no taxis waiting at the top of the mountain and so we had to go down on foot. we went home at 6am and slept till well past noon. The next day, in a state of dazed, suspended euphoria, I couldn't bring my legs to stand up.

Time has a way of stealing moments from our lives. in spasms of sentiment I wonder what it would be like to remain behind, be swallowed by the memories, be buried in the past. Of course, I can't; I'm moving on, wherever that may be next.

i dont know why this song makes me sad.. i first heard it in the movie "50 first dates", which is too good to be true really, maybe that's why instead of giving me hope, it just made me more bitter =/

today im late as usual, i just cant seem to pull myself out of bed by 630am when i've only just closed my eyes. Im lucky when i get five hours of sleep these days

"Wouldn't It Be Nice"
>Beach Boys

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

listen to the song here

it was 3am again on my mobile phone clock when i finally drifted off to sleep this morning, its been like that for weeks now. im probably having a hard time adjusting my body clock back to normal, or maybe im just a night person. my friend julette said that "a good cop cant sleep because he is thinking about the missing piece while a bad cop cant sleep because his conscience is bothering him", good thing im not a cop =p

it seems like i've relocated my hell in the business district of makati, the hell of long work hours, no holidays, over time, over night, lates, undertimes, it's corporate structure and tightrope once again, maybe you really cant escape things by moving away, or maybe some people are just meant to do the dirty job, anyway, i plan to retire from this career by december, and hopefully next year, i'll be lining up for food rations at the local garbage dump.

they say that if you dont know where you're headed, then it doesnt matter which road you take. so this may be the main reason why im just drifting, and the current seems to be taking me to nowhere.

its three days to saturday, sometimes simple pleasures like this is what gets me through the day. it gives me hope. what does saturday hold? i dont know, maybe a whole day lying in bed while the aircon hum competes with the cats on the roof, and my dvds or cable switched on 24/7, or maybe a stroll in the local malls, getting lost in the colors and watching another movie, or perhaps a long drive out of town to a place where the temperature is 10 degrees lower.

the sky is limitless, with endless possibilities, and so is this day, three days to saturday,

someday you'll run out of things to say
and you'll sit by my side
and watch me watch the sunset in silence
someday you'll finally find time to listen
without the need to pass judgements
and debate about world views and highest truths
and other things that matter only to people
who have so much time to think
someday i will pass by your world
and color your sky with bright red
but you will never notice
you will be blind and deaf and unfeeling
you will be lost in books and words and meanings
someday the wind will hold your feet
but you will keep on walking
because you've spent too many years
sitting, reading, listening
someday you will feel the rain
brush against your cheek like a tired friend
and you will walk each other home
and once again you shall find yourself
Alone.

04.11.2004.10.51.p.m.