I grew up watching "Perfect Strangers" on Thursday nights. In this comedy show, Larry chants a weird mantra every time Balky annoys him: "I am a hollow reed, troubles blows through me like the wind *insert sound of wind here*". It keeps him sane, grounded and in control. I could use a mantra, I could use a double barrel shotgun then run amok and blast the minions to another galaxy. Tsk, I should stop reading True Crime books.

CT: these days i cant help but wish i was back in a time when everything was easier
Hot Shot Lawyer Guy (HSLG): you're telling me. i wish i was 10 years old all over again
CT: no matter how simple you want things to be, they always find ways to morph themselves into something complicated. i should go back to being 6 years old and never grow up
HSLG: it's days like these when i realize how great it is to be mentally retarded. so what's been up with you
CT: i found a song that would keep my nerves calm. its on eternal repeat in my ipod right now. ill probably be mentally retarded before the battery runs out. =) so your job is keeping you busy? no time to have personal problems?
HSLG: everybody has personal problems.=) my job, thankfully, keeps my mind occupied.
CT: i don't want to have personal problems, i'd like to donate my body to science hehe
HSLG: hahaha. it sounds like you need a good laugh

IPOD MOOD: "Pink Bullets" by The Shins

There's this great show on the lifestyle network called "Clean House". The people from CH will go to your place and help you declutter. They'll encourage you to let go of things that you think are so valuable because of sentimental reasons but are actually just plain old useless junk in the eyes of others. I've watched grown men cry over Hard Rock beanie babies, assorted shot glasses and Harley tees they've collected over the years. I've seen middle-aged women cling on to old bridal gowns they will never wear again or weird looking dolls they got from their mom.

The memory value is indeed priceless, and if you have a big room where you can stack up all your trash in a shelf like a museum of sorts, I doubt there would be a need to give them up. Unfortunately, space is an issue and renting a warehouse to store the piles of accumulated stuff is not an option. (Hmmm, this gives me a business idea) And so the waterworks begin as home owners try to hold on to their treasure trove while the CH staff bribe them with entertainment center and dvd players to stop them from living in the past.

Tonight, I'm starting my very own CH project, Operation Clean Heart. I need to start anew by discarding old emotions. I guess this is part 2 of the letter ripping episode I did some months ago, but this time, I'm ripping my heart right out.

IPOD MOOD: "Your House" by Jimmy Eat World

Next week I'll be starting with my new work, but I still have to report in my current job to finish some tasks and turn over my responsibilities. That would mean 80 hour work weeks, I feel like a lawyer or a med intern. I hope the pay is enough to cover the hospital bills.

Visited my old high school last Tuesday, it felt so much smaller than I remembered. Somehow old worries seem so inconsequential now as I walked through the hallways and listened to a lecture on balancing chemical formula and solving differential calculus. I wanted to barge in and say "Hey, you know what, as you go through life you'll find out that not all things are similar to chemical compounds with definite atomic weight and can be balanced nor are all problems like polynomially complete equations that have roots" But of course I just held my tongue, they would have to learn that for themselves. My physics, math, economics and literature olympiad participation did very little in helping me get through the most difficult phases of my existence in this world. Most of the times, my idealism that everything has a logical explanation or a rational solution just made me more pessimistic. It's easier to accept that all is random, no need to find patterns and arithmetic progression to understand it.

So now, as I shed my old beliefs and stretch my new found wings, I hope I'll wake up one day and find out that I can still fly despite all the bruises and beatings.

I can almost see the rainbow over the next horizon.

IPOD MOOD: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

The past week has been quite turbulent. I'm starting this new campaign where I don't let bad people and events affect me anymore. Hence let me start a new blog hopefully to lift me up and remind me that good things happen somehow. It can't always be gray clouds all the way. Saying it will make it true.

"There are no accidents in life. Everything happens for a reason. We meet people because they have a message for us. Ignoring them means losing the opportunity to hear that message. Experiences happen because there are lessons to be learned from them. Failing to analyze an experience means losing the chance to learn from it" - James Redfield, The Celestine Prophecy -

IPOD MOOD: "The Distance" by Evan and Jaron

"What is the worst feeling in the world?", I asked Essa last Sunday when she dropped by the pad after a week long vacation from the toxic city life. "Guilt and helplessness", she replied. I pondered a little and considered her answer, then she flipped the question back to me. "Betrayal", I said without hesitation as I looked away. "Is that why you haven't been eating and sleeping for the past days?". I stared blankly and stayed silent.

Sometimes I do something stupid that makes me still shake my head in disbelief when I recall it a few days, weeks, months or years later. This tale is one of those.

I was heading back to the apartment after watching the last full show with Ri and Gia when it started to rain so I took out the umbrella that Ri lent (I never liked umbrellas). I heard my phone beeping from a text message received, probably my roommate asking what time I'll be home, but I didn't want to take it out to check.

Our condominium was just across the street from the mall and I could have crossed it in 2 minutes but some guy put his arm on my shoulder and an ice pick on my side then said:

"Give me your cellphone or I'll stab you"

I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought it was a joke or a prank by someone I know but I replied:

"Ok, go ahead, stab me"

The guy probably couldn't believe his ears, maybe he thought I was deaf or stupid or both so he repeated his script:

"I said give me your phone or I'll stab you!!!"

At this point I knew I was gonna get stabbed for real anyway whether I give up the phone or not, maybe I should have given him the phone, hit him with the umbrella or ran away screening but instead I just said:

"Stab me, what are you waiting for?"

Was it shock or a death wish or my logic just fell off my head? I don't recall but I saw a policeman on the other side of the street and I started saying:

"Oh there's a policeman! Help!"

Then the guy and I both started to run in opposite directions. I went inside the condominium and took the elevator straight to my pad. I explained what happened to my roommate and I called my mom and dad. I later realized my hand and my sides were bleeding so I took a shower and decided to sleep it off despite warnings that I should go to the ER and get anti-tetanus shots. I could be extremely stupid and stubborn at the same time I know :)

The next day I recounted my story to my workmates and Ri warned me that one of her cousins died of tetanus within 24 hours after his leg was scratched by a metal object while wading in the flood.

I started researching for tetanus symptoms since I was feeling slightly feverish and decided I would make an ugly corpse with a lockjaw so I proceeded to the hospital and lined up at emergency room.

After I told the doctor what happened, she reprimanded me for not going there sooner. I had a few X-rays on my hand to make sure there were no fractures and I also filed a police report which later resulted to more guards and lights in the area.

So the lesson of the story is this: always keep your phone on silent mode. :)

"in order to be happy now, I should own myself up to the possibility that I might one day be sad. I should accept the reality that there might not be anyone for me, at least I could get on with the rest of my life without having to think about that *missing* part."

- the real cancun

There is always something to chronicle when there's absolutely nothing going on in your life. You can ramble on about the mundanity of everyday existence, the lack of things to do, places to go, or people to talk to. The void of not being in a relationship or the nuance in belonging to one, the absence of time or money or energy to accomplish something - these are but a few of the subjects one can use as an excuse to fill up space with more nonsense, as if the world listens or notices. But it doesn't matter, it's just a release. Writing something down behind the anonymity of blogs fills this need of expressing yourself and being heard. It deceives you into believing that someone somewhere actually cares.

I've read and seen a lot of ways on how to cope up with building frustration, Paulo Coelho suggests that you write it down on paper then let it be swept away by the waves of the River Piedra. I can just imagine the tons of trash filling that site if all people follow his advice. Nicholas Sparks offers that throwing a letter inside an empty wine bottle to the vast ocean would do the trick, this could be a romantic way of finding true love and yet that's sacrilege to the marine ecosystem. Wong Kar Wai proposes finding a tree with a big hole and shouting all your secrets in there. This sounds like a plan, very environment friendly and all it entails is a map of the hundred acre wood and a pair of trusty hiking boots. But being the lazy lump of lard that I am, I prefer Lilo's way of screaming everything on a pillow. All my huggable fluffy headrest are now certified deaf from this activity. My throat also aches and all I can do is drink hot tea and whisper to make it more bearable. Why do we punish ourselves like this? Are we addicted to pain?
On and on
She just keeps on trying
And she smiles when she feels like crying
On and on,
- On and On, Stephen Bishop -

Back to reality, I have job interviews left and right, something to stimulate the logic in me. thank God!

Two years ago I got a heart torn in two, with the intent of giving the other half to someone who wanted to share it with me. I wore it for a month or so till my skin erupted and my body rejected the idea of ever parting with half of my treasure. Last Saturday while Yuck and I were moving things and cleaning up the new flat, I found my rusty heart and decided to use it again. I drowned it in a strong chemical that wiped away all the blackness, it now looks good as new, but it's still broken, after all, that's how it always was to begin with.

Tonight, the rain is pouring hard and I'm looking forward to walking home drenched and soaked in heaven's tears. Why can't time just stop for a while and take me back to that happy place? The windows at my new room doesn't have a view of the sky, I can't seem to hear the laughter of the stars from where I stand, are they still there?

Maybe I should take the Osaka route soon to get away from all this sadness..

Argh! How could I forget a friend's birthday? Probably old age hehe =) or I can blame it on the liquor, research says they kill your brain cells, and God knows how much of that potent stuff I've consumed this month.

Here's something I wrote to commemmorate my forgetfulness:

you were forgotten
for a day i lost your name
among the shallow torments
of my wandering mind

it must have been fate
who opted to shroud you
in some distant corner
obscured from my sight

today chance reminded me
of what i've overlooked
i unveiled my transgression
yesterday is always too late

08.30.2006.5:43.p.m.

how do we measure the distance between raindrops?
how do we draw a line between love and pain?
how do we go one road and then travel another?
how do we cry our hearts out, then smile again?

how do we find what we've once lost?
how do we forget what we shouldn't remember?
how do we see blue skies when the clouds are grey?
how do we say yes when we have to say never?

how do we make an apt end to what we've started?
how do we deny to the world what we really feel?
how do we know when to give up and say it's over?
how do we decide what is and isn't real?

08.28.2006.5.56.p.m.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I'll always be

Littlest Hobo was my favorite Saturday morning tv program when i was a kid. It's a show about an alsatian dog that travels cross country and helps each people he meets along the way. He never lets those people make him their pet, so after each episode you see him running off again to some other place.

Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.

This morning I woke up with an urgency to pack my stuff into boxes. I received news that my roommate (who is currently on vacation) may be moving out soon, the lease for our flat is expiring in two months (the owner is selling the unit), the dust under the table is accumulating, the unread books and unwatched dvds are collecting cobwebs - these thoughts cluttered my head until I felt that I had to do something or else I'd go crazy. I don't know why I had to do it today though, after all I was just lazying around all weekend and I still got eight weeks right? I guess that just proves how obsessive compulsive I can be sometimes.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Every time I'm leaving for some place and packing my bags, I can't help but remember this hobo theme song. I've lived in many different houses that were never really home to me, only temporary refuge and parking space for my clothes, but still I haven't mastered the art of throwing away things that are of no use to me anymore. How did I ever accumulate all these tiny irrelevant trinkets? I moved back to this city two years ago with a trolley bag and a knapsack, now I need more than 5 boxes for all my collected junk.

Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.

Perhaps there was a time when they used to mean something, but now they're nothing but nuances to my otherwise hapless existence. I should really stop buying more trash from the store. I'll just have to remind myself that I'm a wanderer, I should travel light, I can't have all those baggage weigh me down, or else I'll just be stuck in one place for so long and grow roots. And I can't do that.. I tried once, but I just can't.

So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light - that's hobo style.

Last night I had dinner with an old friend. He's the kind who comes and goes and never really stays. We've been neighbors for 24 months, but we only saw each other yesterday, incidentally, his lease is expiring in a week and he must move out soon too. He doesn't need to find a new place though since he will be going out of the country for a while, he'll just leave his personal belongings at his folks'. Now that's what I call convenience, I wish my parents had a house where I can leave my stuff, but sadly, they're hobos too, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home.
- Maybe Tomorrow (Terry Rush) -

I first met Jose Cuervo when I was 17, it was my roommate's 18th birthday and we had a house party going on. Before the night ended, I downed 17 shots, and the rest of the pre-med batch were reduced to blubbering half wits. One was crying her heart out, another was playing the guitar and singing tunes off-key, the rest were either knocked out or puking at the washroom. Peps was still sober, she wanted to go out and buy 2 more liters of our chosen poison, and so we did.

"Why do you drink a lot?", I think I asked her that in between gulps of fresh air as we searched the town for an open liquor shop.
"I just want to know how it feels to be really really drunk"
"And then what?"
"I don't know, it's a license to do something stupid. Maybe I'll do something stupid then. It's so overrated to be always in control, you know. Why aren't you drunk yet?"
"I don't know, maybe I'm not allowed to do something stupid."

We do this weird ritual whenever we have a party with JC. We would take small pieces of paper then write anything there - why we wanted to get drunk, who we hated, who we loved, who we wanted to ask forgiveness from, and other things like that. Then we would roll those tiny sheets and drop them inside the empty bottle. We'd write the date and it will be like some time capsule that we would keep for posterity.

August 14. Dear M. This is my initiation to the inebriated society. I might like it here. I might stay a while. Maybe I'll even earn that license to do something stupid someday, but for now, I just can't understand, for the life of me, why you left me like that. Please teach me how to let you go, I just can't do it when I'm sane and sober.

Since then, JC became my best friend. I would find myself lost in a bottle even before sundown. When I've had one too many shots, everything becomes more clear. I can't understand why people say they forget everything, on the contrary, I remember every detail. I can hear even the most minute sound, and sometimes I feel that if I really try, I could get out of my body, look at myself from the outside. and say: "Hey! Why are you doing this to yourself? You can't let one person affect you that much. There's a whole unexplored universe out there, get over it already." Then everything would be calm and quiet, my heart would stop hurting, my stomach would stop that queasy feeling it gets when you learn that someone whom you thought loved you, has betrayed you and walked all over you. Yes, everything stops when the shots start overflowing, the moment is freeze framed and I don't feel so lost anymore, I could forget that the rest of the world is moving on while I'm stuck in a moment.

Yesterday, Zet and I were talking about sobriety and how I can't remember when I last drowned myself in tequila and vodka ice. I checked my calendar last night and it was 38 weeks ago, the scars I got from that experience hasn't completely healed. No, I guess time isn't that fast a healer, and yes, I did earn my stupidity license, but that's another story.

Last week was a series of resets and deletions in my life. I woke up and found out that my nano's forward button isn't working, I tried a reset but it wouldn't respond. So I decided to bring it to the Apple Center for repair or replacement. The attendant took one look then erased everything! In 5 seconds my 2 gb worth of songs, photos, ebooks, and contacts were all gone! I walked out in a state of shock. She should have told me first that all i needed to do was reformat the drive and update the software to fix the problem, I could have done that myself and backup my songs too. what great customer service! She should be hit by a meteor rock from outer space (so Smallville!).

When I arrived home, I took out my Clie from the drawer, intending to update my expenses but lo and behold! It wouldn't turned on! What is happening to my gadgets?! Turned out the battery went empty and all my data got wiped clean. Boohoo!

I guess this day is teaching me some hard realities about stuff. Sometimes things just disappear without warning, and you can never be fully prepared for that, but you have to accept it. You can't just stay stuck in the I'm - so - shocked - I - can't - believe - this - is - happening - to - me - What - have - I - done - to - deserve - this state. Sooner or later you will have to pick up the pieces and rebuild what can still be fixed. Of course, we shouldn't forget the lessons, that's the best part about making mistakes, we learn how to prevent making the same ones again.

As for me, I'll move on, tomorrow I'll take out all my CDs again and rip all the songs back to my ipod, then I'll reinstall all the PDA apps that I need, and this time I won't forget to charge everyday.

I needed an excuse to start a blog so I opened my diary and looked for an entry that I could use for inspiration. Here's what I found:

10.09.2004.06.13.a.m.
Some people don't know when to give up on things that don't work anymore. They tend to hold on to something broken in the hopes that it might one day be magically fixed, like some miracle or fairy tale. While it's not bad to dream, we must learn to put our two feet on the ground. What's gone is gone, we must know when to move on and close the door, or else the other window might not open and we would end up suffocating on our own fears.

"They say it is always darkest before dawn. We will never fully appreciate the day unless we experience the night in all its darkness"

this is all that i took home from my short trip to cebu last week.

the days were so fast that i barely had time to see all the people i'm supposed to meet up with.

well, that's what next times are for.. something to look forward to (or dread).

mmmmmmmmm.

i can't wait to take a break from this city life and visit my adorable puppies. i wish the nights would end sooner.

"There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers." - Saint Teresa of Avila

this movie depicts truman as a manipulative man and a literary genius. i just hope those two traits doesn't necessarily need to be present in a person in order to gain respect and reap success in life.


where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 4
when: Sunday, 12 March 2006. 1:10 p.m.

i finally gave in to the dark side and bought a portable running on windows - the dell 710m, no i didn't buy it just to play the latest sims 2 expansion pack (yeah lie to yourself some more!) =)

so far i'm loving the xbrite screen, but i miss the dock.. i want os x on this!! good thing there's wincustomize.. i just hope the machine doesn't crawl.

there goes my savings, now back to the drawing board,

just bought the latest sims 2 expansion pack from data blitz at rockwell. nevermind the fact that i don't have a pc anymore.

so what am i gonna do with this new purchase?

just stare at it and drool hehe =)

greenbelt 1, red ribbon

there was a minor earthquake last night (03.01) at around 7:40 p.m. but the rest of the country was busy with political affairs so i couldn't see more info about it on any of the online newspapers. some buildings in ortigas were evacuated as emergency precaution. probably another tectonic activity in taal volcano. i hope noone was hurt.

today felt like any other day. i woke up and found the sun's rays invading my window blinds. i looked outside and everything is at it should. the never ending construction noise from gb is still there as well as the shouts of children enjoying the pool of another condo's rooftops. there is no view from this side of the city, except the walls of other buildings, sactuaries they built to keep themselves away from things they want to be close to.

i stare at the empty space under my table where my cpu used to sit and ponder what else i should dispose in order to "simplify" my life. i can't believe i'm in another existential crisis, i get this every start of the month, like seasonal flu.

good thing my ipod adds music to my life, here's one of my pick-me-up-from-the-dump songs:

---
woke up today like yesterday
i keep holding on
find my way through the city haze
it wont be long

today will be the brightest day
will never fade away
holding back the rain
turn it around

live and die in the 9 to 5
i sing your song
work overtime to buy peace of mind
we carry on

the man up there never seems to care
there's something wrong

today will be the brightest day
will never fade away
holding back the rain
turn it around

hold on one more day

---
song lyrics by the meadows. listen to them here

political manipulation. racial prejudice. plot within a plot. conspiracy theory. how much more real could it be? i just think it's too manipulative and preachy to talk about such things in a movie. maybe i've degraded myself and now i'm beginning to hate "intelligent" films. they just seem so ...

perhapsi just had a system overload with all the rallies and the state of emergency declaration the day before i watched this. nonetheless it's an enlightening experience.



where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 5
when: Saturday, 25 February 2006. 8:00 p.m.

"she paints her face to hide her face. Her eyes are deep water. It is not for Geisha to want. It is not for geisha to feel. Geisha is an artist of the floating world. She dances, she sings. She entertains you, whatever you want. The rest is shadows, the rest is secret."

it is better to watch this film without reading the book first, you get to appreciate a lot of things like the intricacy of the set they created in california to match the 1920 kyoto scene in the book, otherwise you will just feel cheated because the book offers so much more.


where: Greenbelt 3, Cinema 2
when: Thursday, 23 February 2006. 11:30 p.m.

m cafe. greenbelt 2.

people are now converging in paseo de roxas for the edsa revolution anniversary. i hope this day would end peacefully and without bloodshed.

the armed forces are on their guards and the whole ayala avenue has been rerouted again. i'm going out later to check it out.

the good and the ugly

i don't get it.


where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 3
when: Sunday, 19 February 2006. 5:00 p.m.

glorietta 4. last full show.

"i have no idea why you are so relentless particularly given the arsenal of defenses i've thrown at you. but no matter how hard i've tried to block out everything that you've said, the message has been received in a place inside me that i thought has died but it hasnt and that place inside of me is alive and well. i cant make any promises but id like to try and be with you"

-keenan (ryan phillippe) from the movie "playing by heart"

from this ruin will rise another annex to the greenbelt shopping center. why are there so many malls in our country? do we have that much money to waste?

this is what's been keeping me awake these past few nights, no not contemplating on the country's economy, it's the sound of those tractors and the hammering, geez they shouldn't be working 24 hours,

this is in memory of all the people who lost and risked their lives last saturday morning for a chance of "winning" a better life from a local game show. Read more here

they risked their souls
for a few pieces of silver,
and dreams wrapped in paper.
they thought it was free,
a chance in a million,
like aiming for the moon.
but they paid in full,
in blood and broken bones
waking up in a world
bleaker than the night before.
their lives lay stranded
on littered concrete floors.

02.06.2006.4.09.p.m.

math geeks are going to love this, if only they could cut out all the long winding and screaming "i'm not crazy" monologues of gwyneth.


where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 4
when: Saturday, 4 February 2006. 8:20 p.m.

i rented saw from the local video store in order to prepare myself for this movie. well, it follows the sequel rules: more sick and bloody than the first one. why do people watch movies like this? i dont know, why do i? =)


where: Glorietta 1, Cinema 2
when: Saturday, 4 February 2006. 6:00 p.m.

unexpected twist. this is what happens when people cheat on their spouses.


where: Glorietta 1, Cinema 4
when: Friday, 4 February 2006. 9:30 p.m.

we laugh indoors
and they never understand
the jests that echo through the walls
sliding down window panes
running wet on carpet floors

we laugh indoors
but nobody ever hears

we walk outside and weep
then everybody stops to listen

ndg.01.31.2006.1.52.p.m.

the plot is laughable, if you can even call that a plot, but it does have it's moments.

i guess it's just hard to make me laugh these days =)


where: Glorietta 1, Cinema 5
when: Sunday, 29 January 2006. 5:30 p.m.

worth a few laughs but all too forgettable.

can't get the part where you leave the one who gives you constant adventure for someone you can build a home with, couldn't those two qualities be present in one person?


where: Greenbelt 3, Cinema 4
when: Sunday, 29 January 2006. 3:00 p.m.

how do you measure the distance between raindrops?

last saturday, kat, yuck, drei and i decided to test our fears and visit euro star =) we had tons of fun and almost hurled our lunch. good thing we didn't really eat much before going there.

here's a tip to survive the carnival: you've got to try g-force first, and you shouldn't stop to sit, not even for a second, you'll just feel more dizzy when you stand up again. just run from one ride to the other and stretch your neck =)

my favorite ride is the flipper. nothing like seeing the world upside down.

"nothing is as big as your first love"

this is my current favorite movie =) i think i need to watch it everyday, if only to remind myself how love is supposed to feel like.


where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 5
when: Sunday, 22 January 2006. 8:30 p.m.

i can't compare this with the first movie since i haven't seen that one yet. i would have like this more 10 years ago, back when i was still into vampire chronicles,

nonetheless it's a nice film, cool effects. the blood sucking creatures have gone a long way, you can't just kill them with wooden stakes anymore, you need high powered guns loaded with out of this world ammunitions.


where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 6
when: Saturday, 21 January 2006. 9:30 p.m.

someone gave me a pedometer for christmas. its a gadget that tracks the number of steps you've taken, the amount of calories you've lost and the kilometers you've covered. it's a really neat device that looks more like a stopwatch. it's probably a subtle way of telling me that i'm getting fat and i need to walk more.

i wish i could program this pedometer to tell me how many more strides i need to take in order to get to where i'm going, how many more miles i need to cover to find my northern light or how many calories i need to lose to feel good about myself =)

these are the things that matter that you can't find ways to count.

sometimes you just have to know how their doing: the people you've left behind, and the people who've left you. if it still feels like needle pricks to know that they're a-ok and moving on and doing great, then stop lying to yourself, you're not over them yet. and maybe you never will. after all we never really stop loving people. we just forget. conveniently.

it's an overkill to think of these things now, two or three years later, after all, the moment has passed you by and you are left dancing alone on a ferry boat to nowhere. the bridge has been burned to ashes and you can't put them back together no matter how hard you wish on a million falling stars. you just have to let it be, let things be, and wait for that wonderful calm to visit you again.

find the silence that chooses what to remember, and what to cast away. then keep it. and never ever let it go.

"never is such an awfully lonely word"

what's your scariest thought? is it being eaten alive by monsters? being chased across skull island by a gigantic ape? losing your job? your love? your life? or is it staying the same while the whole world revolves and changes right before your eyes?

i guess the one thing i'm most afraid of is... being left behind. yes the part where all those familiar and comfortable people get up, pack their bags and head off to worlds unknown while i stay there, unmoved, realizing i'm just too tired or lazy or stubborn to take my leave too. maybe i'm just too keen on growing roots that's why i force myself to spin in place, wait for things to get better while i while away the time, do nothing and watch the rest of them get on with the their lives.

i wasn't like this at all. i used to have limitless zest for new adventure. now i'm just idling, lost in space. my great light has faded away, and once again i am without purpose nor direction.

what a way to start the year.

happy new year. happy new toy =)

i need a new memory stick!