my friend from the windy city decided to visit the province of endless rain. she flew into tacoma so we drove down there to pick her up and also to take krissy to the airport so she could catch her flight to florida. we had a detour at the space needle and late dinner at zumi - great sushi fusion restobar in downtown seattle. we rented a car but got a mini van instead so we had too much space and not enough people on this trip. especially since someone backed out and nobody was available at the last minute to do some spur of the moment roadtrip to washington state. anywhichway it was fine, i was navigator again who's only purpose is not really to navigate since the gps is there but rather to keep the driver awake. we got back at around 4am and i retired into dreamless sleep.

vancouver was never shy showing its true colors, rain clouds followed our weekend as we went to queen e park, lynn valley, cleveland dam, deep cove, lonsdale quay, stanley park and downtown. my friend sampled the city's public transit - bus, skytrain and seabus. day pass here is more expensive than in chicago for sure. to try extreme sports, i practiced juggling text messages while biking in the rain along the seawall, some people go crazy in this kind of weather. i'm one of them.

got the purple nanochromatic with "poeticnook 2008" engraved on the back - early birthday present. loaded it up with songs i copied from everyone else - in an effort to expand my music library.

i don't know what happened but somehow a sad veil has fallen over me. it caught me unexpected. i'm not even sure where it's coming from. it just came in a rush and i was left feeling really down and out. must be the sudden change of weather.. as much as i don't want the forces of nature to affect my mood, i couldn't shake off the feeling.

when my friend left 2 hours ago, i realized i'm all alone in vancouver. my travel buddies are gone, my friends with whom i can talk to about what happens behind my eyes are gone. people who will hug me and lend their shoulders for me to cry on when i'm running on empty and i need to hear words of hope - they're all gone. it's depressing to accept the fact that i am now without a listener in a strange city so far from home where i have no family and all i can rely on is me and myself..

i wanna go home...

best thing about being here is i have buddies who love to travel, just like me. we never really waste weekends staring at the ceiling or cleaning our room or doing our laundry. (which reminds me of this pile accumulating at the foot of my bed). chores will still be there tomorrow, no need to hurry and do them. and so after a quick dinner at a taiwanese food place near metrotown, krissy, henrik and i picked up jake and we started our oregon roadtrip part 2. k was designated navigator keeping h awake by asking him about his current love interest. we enjoyed teasing him to pieces haha. at 2am we drove up to the nearest hotel and recharged our batteries. the next morning we explored the beaches of newport and lincoln. we walked along the dunes of yaquina bay and climbed the lighthouses. the waves were big and the water too cold, couldn't last 10 minutes without a wetsuit. we watched the sunset and wrote our names on the sand with our flip flops scattered all over the place. it was the last trip all four of us would ever take together (at least for now) - the jetsetter group is being disbanded, each member going on to pursue different roads. k will be going to australia soon, but will visit florida first and then drive up to north carolina and all the other places in that vicinity, just to see if the geography is any different. jake is going to europe and then who knows where else afterwards. henrik and i are staying in bc, grounded and trying to grow roots. i felt really sad with this realization that i could be stuck in raincouver. j was always the planner, he would just say let's go to this place and i would of course say yes then we would get more people to join us. now that he's leaving, it's like a piece of my wing is torn and i wouldn't be able to fly anymore.

sunday found me waking up at 6am so i could dial into the bridge and vpn to work to check on a project release. helped with some minor glitches that required a recycle, then checked out of the hotel and proceeded to woodburn. the only significant thing i bought in this trip is my monopoly board game that uses no cash only debit cards. wow imagine that! cant wait to play it. somehow we were all shopped out this time, nobody really bought anything for themselves - well except for those polarized oakley shades!, most items were for others who couldn't go and wanted something brought back for them. we had dinner at red lobster.. at last! i've been wanting to eat here for the past 8 months. this is my fave seafood place in toronto that's not in raincouver.

stuffed and content with our food and purchases, we drove back home in silence with me as navigator this time, trying to stay awake and making small conversation. i will miss these people. i will miss these trips. why are they moving on? why am i staying here?

who says workaholics can't have fun? yesterday for our team event, we went to horseshoe bay and rented out four powerboats. we cruised along howe sound and some people jumped ship to swim. i volunteered to steer the boat so i could feel the wind against my cheeks. i wish there were more activities like this that takes me out of my cube on work hours.

after the almost 2 hour boat ride, we had picnic - potluck at the nearby park and played ultimate frisbee and boche. i wish it will just stay sunny like this forever. then i wouldn't have to fly away to distant shores looking for warmth. but well, we can't have everything. i'm just thankful for one beautiful day at a time, and for the good people i meet everyday.

when i got back to the office, i noticed my support phone was gone. great, i thought, just when i got a voicemail about some qa defect. well, there's only one place it could be, probably at the floor of the van i carpooled with on the way back. no worries, i'll get it tomorrow. no support for tonight, yay!

snippet from a conversation at the office today:

*wm = workmate

wm: "are you completely bored with your life right now?"
me: "no not really, i'm happily enjoying my life right now"
wm: "well we don't want too much of that, i'll give you something interesting next week"
me: "ok"

well, so i guess it's not really interesting to have too much of happily enjoying life ^^ hehe. let's see how interesting next week would be.

found a new place just five houses away from the old one. my room has a window that has a great view of the building where i work. reminds me everyday why i'm in this city. that's my only purpose here after all, to do my job, and nothing more. sometimes it gets dull and monotonous or too much and too stressful, i just remind myself that i chose this and i'm just reaping the consequences of my own decision. no time for regrets, just carry on and wait for the next daybreak.

getting back up to speed after a holiday is usually the toughest part but it gets easier everyday. especially when there's people who make it more bearable. just keep things in perspective i guess, i don't want to be too involved anymore. i can't believe i actually lost weekends of my life for a project that will never see the light of day, now i just want to be detached. never give your heart away to work, work will never love you back, it will still be there tomorrow, uncaring, unfeeling, insensitive and totally not what i should be wasting my life on.

i should go explore the vancouver sun, after all, this is the middle of summer.

vacation ended too soon, went to kawasan, moalboal, bantayan and panglao. everyday was either a road trip or a boat ride to another island, walked along the shore and swam against the tide and basked in the sun like there was no tomorrow. chased the waterfalls and hiked the hillside and mountain tops, with no need for fleece or a warm jacket when twilight falls and the stars are out.

this is life, the way God intended it to be. no worries about refactoring or singletons or ejb descriptors or missing db tables. just sea and sand and moonlit nights.

poof! and the dream is gone. back to raincouver's hard gray pavement where my steps echo in that empty room with no windows. when i opened the door i saw my things neatly piled up in boxes. i'm being thrown out of the house. good thing i have friends here, who helped me pick up my stuff and find a new place to park my things. i couldn't be more homeless than i am now. my clothes are in my desk at the office and i shower at the gym. on mornings i would walk across the floor from one end to the other to stretch my legs and in the evenings i would talk to the cleaning lady who wonders every day why i work so late. "i live here", that's all i told her.

i will survive, somehow.

two nights ago i was talking to my friend about some ghosts from the past that used to haunt me, and so i took out some dusty chests of memories at the farthest corner of my mind and tried to break the latch. it creeked eerily and finally opened, then i found this piece about forgiveness..

"You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?'

i've come a long way from that poem, i used to be the one saying those lines, now the tables have turned.. such is the circle of life.