it's that time of the year for meteor showers in the northern hemisphere, the perseids should be visible between 12am to 3am, now if only it's not foggy and you're looking away from the moon, then it would really be a sight to behold, otherwise you might miss it, but unlike aurigids that takes decades to reappear, there's still a chance to catch a glimpse of perseids next summer since it happens every year anyway.

some things in life are like perseids, constant, on the dot, dependable, consistent. they are always there, they always show, year after year at the exact same time and place, with no fail. other stuff are like aurigids, they are rare, they dont have a pattern, they come and go and you never really know when they'll come back again if they do come back again. so which one of the two would you value more?

i asked that same question before to this person i know from university, i was visiting the city and was leaving the next day so I asked if we could meet to catch up, she had a scheduled dinner with her roommates at that time and i gave her the leonid - augrid analogy when i asked if she could make some room for me since i might not be coming back anymore, she wisely stated her point - if i get turned down, i will be hurt now and then i will be gone and that's that, if she turns down the people she is constantly with, then she has to live with it for a long time. and so she has to value the ones that are constant, not the ones that come just once and might not come again.

i used to value ephemeral things more - those that visit us for a moment and never really stay but leave lasting impressions - like shooting stars and cherry blossoms and passing friends. i used to say i must make time for these objects, these events, these people, because they might not be here again and i will have lost something rare if i miss them. but in time i have come to realize that i have neglected those that are constant in my life - like the sky above me, and the ground i walk on, and God's infinite love. it's time to pay homage to them and acknowledge them. often we take for granted those that are always there, but that won't be the case anymore.. i'm a work in progress, and i'm doing my best everyday to be the best person that God intends me to be. He knows what's best for me.

incidentally, totally unrelated to heavenly bodies, today is international left handers day. people are inventing so many things to celebrate about =) i'm not really left handed, i'm more ambidextrous, probably the only thing i can't do with my left hand is write cursive, sports and my mouse belong to my left, and from yesterday's art class i just discovered that i can also draw with my left hand, this is great, i have a spare working hand =) maybe i can use both at the same time, write with my right and draw with my left haha, almost like the wisdom of crocodiles. let's see ^^

there is a sadness tugging at my heart right now as i look at the city lights below me. just finished moving songs between my ipods and reading the word in between thinking too much, i could set a new record for myself - for not being able to sleep. now that the dust has almost settled in, there are so many things left to put in their proper places or put away in boxes to send away. the noise of the skytrain keeps me awake, as a flood of recollection try to pull me down, thoughts of people who rarely speak, but when they do, crush my heart into pieces, still linger at the back of my head when i try to close my eyes.

i need to be rid of myself.

two months and two more moves later, my previous post looks so ancient now. my new place, for the next few months at least, is on the 24th floor, overlooking the mountains, the sea, and the city lights. every day, the sound of the skytrain greets me until 2 am, it rests for two hours, then it starts again - this kept me up on the first few nights but after i finished setting up my sound system, i can now block out the noise with music as i sleep on the couch.

a week after my move, i am almost done unpacking and settling in, i boxed all the useless things i accumulated and tidied the clutter that is my stuff. having my own place again feels different. it brings me back to 5 years ago when i was living on the 22nd floor overlooking makati, 2 minutes walk to greenbelt, and 10 minutes walk to work. i remember the fireworks every week in december which i can see from the rooftop and stargazing by the pool every night.

now, half a decade later, i can't really say i'm better off. i am more lost and more alone than ever before and the future doesn't look friendly at all. my family is now physically and emotionally distant, my old friends have moved on to new chapters in their lives, and the new ones i've met have their own roots and security blankets here. i feel like a seed that grew on the wrong side of the forest.

on times like these, when i miss people who can't be with me, i have my sailboat and my lava lamp to comfort me.

moving to a new place entails a lot of hard work, it requires not only mental and emotional preparation but tough manual labor as well - packing things into bags or boxes, discarding accumulated junk, cleaning up the old room, saying goodbye to people you will leave behind, saying hi and adjusting to the new people you will be living with, cleaning up the new room, physically carrying the stuff to the new place, unpacking them all again, and setting them up in the new corners you would want to put them in - just listing these steps is already exhausting. in fact, survey says that moving house is of the top 5 most stressful things in life, the others are work, debt, loneliness, relationship problems, and whatever else.

so why do people move in the first place? there could be a lot of different reasons - forced eviction, going to somewhere better, or it's just the natural progression of things. not that i've stopped growing, but i have always remembered my growing up years to be punctuated by endless moving to different houses temporary called home. usually the scenes would be as dramatic as "running on empty" but mostly its just a chore brought about by the school or work we chose. my clothes were always in boxes or suitcases, i never bothered to take them out to put inside drawers and closets, i would never buy things mindlessly, i would always think about disposing the old one first before getting something new. or else they would be a pain to pack or carry when i move again. and so i lived my life without baggage, light, cool and easy.

last year though, i decided to spin in place, i've changed too much and assimilated a lot of bad things into my life, falsely believing that everything i was before should be discarded in order to stay here. i accumulated a lot of useless baggage, and now i feel heavy and burdened, but then an epiphany came and whispered a nugget of wisdom into my ears - you don't need to be as heavy as a rock, swim in the mud or sink deep into the soil to grow roots, i could be an aerial plant instead.

today my room looks like an aftermath of a holocaust, things scattered here and there, i have to sort through everything to find out what to keep and what to throw away. these junk would have stayed hidden in bags, rotting or collecting dust, had i not decided to move to a new place and stir the skeletons in my closet. it will take a while for this place to become habitable again or have some semblance of order, but small steps get you there.

coming, going, leaving, entering, moving, staying in place, uprooting, growing roots, everything is part of what makes life interesting. this might be one small step for a wandrer like me, but it's a giant leap for all nomads out there =)

i've always had problems with letting go. it takes a while for me to turn the switch off and move on. when i know something is about to end, i tend to condition my mind, far in advance, a defense mechanism - i say my goodbyes early - that way when the time comes, i am almost ready to step outside the box, unscathed. but really, how does one escape a meteor crashing straight towards you? i don't know, i lack the wisdom to know such things. and so i do what i do best, i run away.

in a few hours from now i will be like that song - leaving on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again. funny, there are no words to describe great emotions, i can only quote cheesy lyrics that don't quite fit. sometimes you have to go away and step back in order to miss something or appreciate something more. i fear change, i fear moving out of my comfort zone, i fear my security blanket is being yanked away from me. and i don't know how to live with that. if only the world will stop spinning for a while and let me stay in this moment longer...

Stop The World
Matthew West

The TV is talking
The telephone’s ringing
The lights are all on
And the radio’s screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You
I’m tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees
And breaks my defenses
It’s wearing me down and I’m desperate to hear from You

Stop the world I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth
And I need time, precious time

Stop the world I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me
Stop the world I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

I feel most alive when the road changes and moves beneath me, but I feel most at home when I am flying above the clouds or riding the waves in the middle of the ocean.

Two decades ago, my holy week would have been spent fasting, doing the stations of the cross, going to confession, communion and church. A decade ago, I would have been going home from university for summer vacation, spending time with family, going to memorial to commemorate the last supper on nissan 14.

In between then and now, my disappointment and disillusionment with people and institutions hardened my heart. God does not reside only in the church of the pious but also in the hearts of the lonely and the passionate.

As I stood on the fishing boat watching the waves of the open sea crash onto its sides and almost tip it over, I gazed up at the vast gray clouds and thanked God for lending me this life, for sending his son Jesus Christ to die for my sins so that I may be redeemed, for showering me with blessings and showing me miracles everyday, then I asked for forgiveness for all my trespasses and once again I prayed for Him to take me away.

I felt the raindrops like needle pricks against my face while I held on to the bars to keep myself from falling overboard. It's moments like these that give me clarity - when I feel like I'm a tiny insignificant dot in the universe, that in the blink of an eye I could be gone and would cease to exist. Feels so different compared to sitting in front of the computer in an antiseptic cube.

It reminded me of my childhood spent on small boats and the big waves of Romblon. I have come a long way from home, and when I talked to my family last Wednesday I felt so far away and so lost. Why did I grow up too fast, too soon..

I still feel out of place sometimes, like I just woke up from a dream and I'm suddenly surrounded by all these grown ups, only to realize that I am a grown up myself with no clue on how to proceed. And yet an epiphany came to me as the sea swallowed my uncertainties. I know what to do now.

If only I can keep myself from being sad and restless in between now and that time.. I hope I can survive.

the montreal trip was marked by blind dining at o'noir, tree top adventure, museum of modern art tour, indie film viewings at cinema du parc, long walks at rue st. laurent to rue st. catherine, hike down from mont royal, jazz bar excursions, a visit to basilique notre dame and poutine overdose.

the first two days were sunny but unfortunately my friend had to support some work stuff so i just looked at the city from the window. finally on the third day we met up with her college friends and tried the surprise menu at o'noir. the ad said that senses are heightened and the flavors are enhanced when you're blind dining, but interestingly for me, i thought the food was more bland when i don't actually ssee what i'm eating. oh well.

the tree-top adventure was not as long as the one we did at la fleche in quebec, i wasn't feeling up to it that time and i wasn't even wearing the right shoes but i gave in to peer pressure and just went for it. i'm glad i did, i haven't tried the obstacle course and ziplining in the snow. the only downside was there were no gloves provided and it was so cold but overall it was fun.

the view from mont royal was spectacular, but i heard that the view from cypress is way better, can't really compare though coz i haven't been to the cypress lookout yet, maybe i should stop by sometime. the hike down was not that bad, i did try to call for a taxi but it never came, it reminded me of the time when i walked down from tops - now that was hard work, i couldn't lift my legs to stand up the next day, this one was nothing compared to that, then again we didnt really go up till the top..

among other things, montreal is famous for its jazz bars, so we went to at least three. acid jazz is not really one of my favorites, it's like dadaism on saxophone, but i loved the piano renditions - now if only i can teach myself to play like that, then i'll be set for a career in music =)

the last day of the trip was spent looking for starbucks mugs, i didn't know this was such a hard to find commodity in this city of a hundred coffee shops. eventually we found a store that had stocks, unfortunately for me i wasn't able to get a snow globe to add to my collection, i guess this calls for a next time...