it's esp cycle once again and this should be fairly easy for me, a math major who's into numbers and figures and percentages, there's really nothing to it, the ranges are there, the factors are lined up, and all i actually need to do is plug the digits and submit them to my upline for approval. so what's holding me back?

it's just that these numbers just grew faces, and these faces have grown into people, and these
people have lives and families and hopes and dreams, and here i am putting a number on them.

so this is how it feels to grow a heart.

there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls, tonight is one of them as I sit on the roof counting the stars..

when we disappear,
we disappear too quickly

and not even the rain
remembers our passing

when we disappear,
we disappear completely

inspired by the blog of impossible things, I've decided to make my own bucket list of seemingly unreachable goals. I'll try to challenge myself and cross them off one at a time until I've proven myself otherwise.

I'm writing again.. this must mean I will be wandering off soon..

been sick for a couple of days now but this song is pulling me back to wellness.

Back To You
MercyMe

Nobody said it would be easy
Nobody said that life's a breeze
Tossin' and turnin', oh the wind keeps churnin'
Like I'm a little toy boat out on the sea

If I'm down don't count me out
I'll slowly get back on my feet
Stumblin' and fumblin', but I keep on coming
Just as long as you're not giving up on me

When I trip, I fall and slow down to a crawl
And feel like I've got nothing left to lose
I may slip, slide, and watch our worlds collide
But I will
Hit the ground running back to you

There are days my head is spinning
Wishing I could hit the switch and end this ride
If it came to a stop and someone let me off I know
I would just get right back in line

When I trip, I fall and slow down to a crawl
And feel like I've got nothing left to lose
I may slip, slide, and watch our worlds collide
But I will
Hit the ground running back to you

What kind of love would say
I love you anyway
Oh, time and time again

When I trip, I fall and slow down to a crawl
And feel like I've got nothing left to lose
I may slip, slide, and watch our worlds collide
But I will
Hit the ground running back to you
I will
Hit the ground running back to you

I may slip, slide and watch our worlds collide
But I will, yes I will
Hit the ground running back to you
I hit the ground running back to you

I hit the ground, crashing down, rolling round
But I rebound, I get back up and I'll be found
Running, running back to you

I'm running back to you
Back to you
Back to you
Back to you
Running back to you

On a recent interview for work, I was asked this question: "Do you have the heart to fire people?"

Me, being typically over analytical, gave it a second to churn in my head before I processed a response. In that tiny slice of time, I actually conjured several answers at the top of my mind:

v0.1 heart? what heart? I don't have a heart. period.
v1.0 how can you put heart and fire people in the same sentene? that's so cruel..
v1.1 harharhar of course, I love firing people, off with his head!
v1.2 you mean like burn them? literally?
v1.3 *insert wild laughter here* uhm what was the question?
v1.4 sure, why not? can I do it now? can I? can I?

But of course, thanks to the neatly tied up strings that keep everything in place in my psyche, I said this instead:

Me: Have you seen that movie "Up in the Air" ?

Interviewer: No

Me: Well, it's about this guy whose job is to go fly to different places to fire people. Basically the management in the companies that hire him don't have the courage to deliver the bad news to their employees so they had to outsource someone else to do it.

Anyway, the point is, it's not about having the heart to fire people, it's more about how to tell them that there's something else out there that's more suited to their skills, where they could grow more and excel and be happy and appreciated. The challenge is not about having the guts to say you're fired to someone but rather it's finding a way to say it without making them feel like it's the end of the road, game over, do not pass go, you may now safely turn off your computer.. *insert flat line sound here*

So to answer your question, yes, it's easy to fire people, I can do it if necessary. But more importantly, I can deliver what seems like bad news and turn it into something that could well be the best move for their career at that time.

So today my favorite brown wedge shoes finally retired. The stitches on one side was so worn out that I could actually see my big toe peeking out like a cartoon character playing peek-a-boo. It was over two years ago when I bought this pair that one summer day in BC, and it has been through a lot since then. It endured the endless rainy days of Vancouver, that freak winter storm in '08, and it even survived a sip-lining expedition in Montreal after crossing half a dozen tree top obstacles. I guess I could say it was well worth its price and has served its purpose, after all, not all shoes can outlast jobs, friendships and even relationships - well done Aldo. But then again, this can't really compare to my favorite Hush Puppies back in University - now that pair really weathered a lot of storms and a lot of soles. It even went up and down mountain tops in one piece - quite a great feat for a pair of high heeled dress shoes.

Some people put a lot of value in abstract stuff like time, commitment, affection, attention - and I must say it is wise for them to do so - after all aren't the essential elements of life the ones our naked eyes can't see? But in the daily intricasies of living, we often get sidetracked by the lack or loss of these invisible things that we tend to forget the little miracles that exist right in front of us - like an ant carrying a heavy grain of rice, a butterfly struggling out of a cocoon, a homeless kid taking the hand of another, a pair of worn out shoes telling stories of lives lived and forgotten - they look so commonplace that we overlook them or they seem so distant that we can't relate.

Any which way, today I'm breaking in new shoes and I can feel blisters hurting my feet, I could whine and complain just because I can but then again I know a lot who have always dreamed of walking - so I'm thankful for the hurt because that means I can feel, and I'm thankful for these shoes that I can use to walk and hop and jump and run and at the end of the day, when all else fails,

...I know I can always get a new pair.