and it's the waiting that kills me.
eyes weary, mind blank, nothing matters
but the stream of music roaring from
my mp3.

and it goes on, two hours and counting.
surprising how one tuesday night could
feel like a week that never ends.

time freezes like ice when you're bored
reading letters over and over, finding
meaning for words lost a long time in
the past.

the dreaming starts; in between fits of
wakefulness and watching; and waiting,
yes the waiting..

that never ends..

Friday night was a night of music and bright lights. The ad congress was in full swing and everywhere you turn you'll see people with big i.d.'s dangling from their necks. the noise (or must i say music) was ear splitting. I played the old grouch and stayed at Bo's sipping iced cappuccino, watching the people twist their bodies at odd angles trying to catch a semblance of grace while swinging to the beat (or should i have said they danced the night away?).

Dancing is one of the forms of self-expressions that I never let myself learn. For me, it's just like some of those sports, which is better to watch from the sidelines than play in the field. Or of course, maybe I'm just not an expressive person. I've always associated music and dancing with festivities. And perhaps there has not been much festivity that I have witnessed in my life that’s why I never learned how to dance. or then again maybe there's just too much stoicism in me

But music, music is another thing. I pick up my keyboard and find notes for my favorite songs, and surprisingly I get them. But I can never read musical pieces. I had piano lessons when I was a kid but the teacher gave up on me. Maybe because I played a pop song on his class instead of the piano exercises he wanted me to practice. =)

Last night, I composed a tune to a song I made, but since I'm not good at reading and writing notes, the song turned out to be a poem instead. (",) But I memorized the tune in my head, and I can play it with my eyes closed. Good thing I couldn't write it down, then nobody would know if I made a mistake while playing, hehehe.

My world is filled with fragments that cannot be written down, for I have neither words nor talent to engrave it with letters nor transform it into something tangible and make it last forever. But I have a good memory, a memory that most of the times tortures me. nonetheless it will be enough to store all those moments that I could not put into writing, those songs that I can never learn to sing, those tunes that I will never be able to play. And in sleep, my memory will be the ruler of my world. and it will bring back all my dreams. one after the other.

fade into my skin like a lullaby
break a piece of my loneliness and take my hand
you sing like one too tired to ache
you ache like one too tired to mind

and i said simmer
to the drone of my guitar
tonight the stars and all the planets will just watch by
come along, melt me with your promises

we both know we'll regret this all tomorrow
but i dont mind coz it's easier to forget
when i know there's no tomorrow waiting
for us

but tonight ill sing some songs
fumbling upon each button
watching you watching me
too tired to mind, too lost to care

yes, let me play one more tune
you and i and a couple of shots
the sky won't mind if we stayed too long
melting in each others arms

don't let me on to your fears
i won't care, i don't care
and if i say i never did
i know you'd see through me

but what's the use of asking
i don't need to see the mist
forming in your eyes
i can't bear it, but neither
can i hold your hand

so let's stay, as far away,
as we can, from each other
walk away, don't look back
i don't need another hurtful goodbye

as nights and shadows fill me,
feelings are flowers that wilt and die
don't make me stay, you know i cant
ill laugh with you, lie with you,
but no, don't let me cry.
again.

Today I am writing about today. The weather is brooding, hinting of heavy rains later this afternoon. My neck is stiff from too much staring at the monitor and my eyes tired from lack of sleep. I came in at the office one and a half hour late, my head still aching from a fever I had since last night. My friend with whom I share this cubicle with is going bonkers. She laughs to herself at odd moments and lets me read her corny text messages then laughs again.. hehehe maybe the network element simulator has finally messed up her mind. (i hope she doesn't get to read this >=) )


Tonight I shall hunt the stores to replenish my stock of cuervo and smirnoff =), then tomorrow i'll get a room at a hotel near the mountains and invite my college friends to come over. We'll have a drinking binge, and a night filled with stories and laughter.. hopefully.


Lately I've been busy putting together my palm softwares and other related stuff. I'm planning to put up a site for palm users, and hopefully a palm users group in the office (both cebu and manila branch =) ). This will help me gather resources to upgrade/update my PDA. Yup, in just about a little more than a month, I've become addicted to that thingie =). I've uploaded a lot of games, a ton of apps and a bunch of poems there. Right now I'm reading a book: "The Goblet of Fire", a soft copy of Harry Potter book 4 which I converted to palm markup language in order to be uploaded to my pda. =)

Sometimes little things like these makes me smile.. a weekend get-away, binge drinking, a techno gadget, a crazy friend.. they take my mind off things.. for a while.

And yes I'm glad that they make me shallow and happy. Life shouldn't be taken too seriously. At least not always. =)

I've been away for a while collecting experiences like beach-stones, a weekend at Dalaguet, walking on the beach with friends, sleeping on a bamboo bed with the nipa ceiling almost falling to pieces and the stairs wobbly with every step, my cell phone useless with no network coverage, the waves on the background rushing to meet the shore, and my foot stuck on the sand as I watched the horizon slowly light up with the sun's rays. This is the entry I was supposed to write two weeks ago, back when my mind was not cluttered with exams I have to review for and programs I need to do.

Last night, the moon was so bright that it shone right through me. There was so much life and so many colors that I couldn't see. Sometimes I wish I could just lie down on the roof and watch the sky expand and be filled with stars, my troubles and worries all cast aside. I miss the old house with the terrace, I miss standing there and looking out for falling stars, tying my shirt in a knot and wishing, with all the might my naive heart could muster, that the moment would not pass me by. But time can play tricks the way a jester on a circus might.. and here I am left with the memories of all the moments that has passed me by. I hold them tightly, but like sand they slip through my fingers, and all I can do is watch and smile that somehow I had a chance to hold them close to me.

I am broken. And my words stop in mid sentence. My fingers half pressing and half releasing a key, unsure of what to say, what to write, what to think. There is a space between me and my thoughts, my feelings, my words. I have to extend my hand to grasp them fully.. but when I do reach out, I find them no longer there, playing a trick on me, making me pause, making me wonder.. how I could be this lost.

Tonight is cook out at UP. My friends and I are debating on whether to go or not.. The event would be fun I'm sure, It's just that there are some people that my friends don't want to see there.. so I guess we'll just take a rain check. Another dinner at Don Henrico's tonight with some college friends, I feel like I'm beginning to hate that place. Too noisy. Too crowded. Slow service. Nothing compared to their branch at Baguio, but then of course, nothing beats the original as always.

Boredom creeps through my veins like a sedative inducing me to sleep. I wish I could get out of here soon, I've finished about 80% of my task, not considering the change from application to web based applets.. which I haven't even started yet... I've been slaving over my computer for the past two weeks now, I think I should reward myself this weekend..

Tomorrow, it's off to gadgets world for me, I'm going to buy a PDA, something to add to my toy collection =) Hmmm.. Now where is that Palm Data Sheet I was reading...