Argh! How could I forget a friend's birthday? Probably old age hehe =) or I can blame it on the liquor, research says they kill your brain cells, and God knows how much of that potent stuff I've consumed this month.

Here's something I wrote to commemmorate my forgetfulness:

you were forgotten
for a day i lost your name
among the shallow torments
of my wandering mind

it must have been fate
who opted to shroud you
in some distant corner
obscured from my sight

today chance reminded me
of what i've overlooked
i unveiled my transgression
yesterday is always too late

08.30.2006.5:43.p.m.

how do we measure the distance between raindrops?
how do we draw a line between love and pain?
how do we go one road and then travel another?
how do we cry our hearts out, then smile again?

how do we find what we've once lost?
how do we forget what we shouldn't remember?
how do we see blue skies when the clouds are grey?
how do we say yes when we have to say never?

how do we make an apt end to what we've started?
how do we deny to the world what we really feel?
how do we know when to give up and say it's over?
how do we decide what is and isn't real?

08.28.2006.5.56.p.m.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I'll always be

Littlest Hobo was my favorite Saturday morning tv program when i was a kid. It's a show about an alsatian dog that travels cross country and helps each people he meets along the way. He never lets those people make him their pet, so after each episode you see him running off again to some other place.

Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.

This morning I woke up with an urgency to pack my stuff into boxes. I received news that my roommate (who is currently on vacation) may be moving out soon, the lease for our flat is expiring in two months (the owner is selling the unit), the dust under the table is accumulating, the unread books and unwatched dvds are collecting cobwebs - these thoughts cluttered my head until I felt that I had to do something or else I'd go crazy. I don't know why I had to do it today though, after all I was just lazying around all weekend and I still got eight weeks right? I guess that just proves how obsessive compulsive I can be sometimes.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Every time I'm leaving for some place and packing my bags, I can't help but remember this hobo theme song. I've lived in many different houses that were never really home to me, only temporary refuge and parking space for my clothes, but still I haven't mastered the art of throwing away things that are of no use to me anymore. How did I ever accumulate all these tiny irrelevant trinkets? I moved back to this city two years ago with a trolley bag and a knapsack, now I need more than 5 boxes for all my collected junk.

Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.

Perhaps there was a time when they used to mean something, but now they're nothing but nuances to my otherwise hapless existence. I should really stop buying more trash from the store. I'll just have to remind myself that I'm a wanderer, I should travel light, I can't have all those baggage weigh me down, or else I'll just be stuck in one place for so long and grow roots. And I can't do that.. I tried once, but I just can't.

So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light - that's hobo style.

Last night I had dinner with an old friend. He's the kind who comes and goes and never really stays. We've been neighbors for 24 months, but we only saw each other yesterday, incidentally, his lease is expiring in a week and he must move out soon too. He doesn't need to find a new place though since he will be going out of the country for a while, he'll just leave his personal belongings at his folks'. Now that's what I call convenience, I wish my parents had a house where I can leave my stuff, but sadly, they're hobos too, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home.
- Maybe Tomorrow (Terry Rush) -

I first met Jose Cuervo when I was 17, it was my roommate's 18th birthday and we had a house party going on. Before the night ended, I downed 17 shots, and the rest of the pre-med batch were reduced to blubbering half wits. One was crying her heart out, another was playing the guitar and singing tunes off-key, the rest were either knocked out or puking at the washroom. Peps was still sober, she wanted to go out and buy 2 more liters of our chosen poison, and so we did.

"Why do you drink a lot?", I think I asked her that in between gulps of fresh air as we searched the town for an open liquor shop.
"I just want to know how it feels to be really really drunk"
"And then what?"
"I don't know, it's a license to do something stupid. Maybe I'll do something stupid then. It's so overrated to be always in control, you know. Why aren't you drunk yet?"
"I don't know, maybe I'm not allowed to do something stupid."

We do this weird ritual whenever we have a party with JC. We would take small pieces of paper then write anything there - why we wanted to get drunk, who we hated, who we loved, who we wanted to ask forgiveness from, and other things like that. Then we would roll those tiny sheets and drop them inside the empty bottle. We'd write the date and it will be like some time capsule that we would keep for posterity.

August 14. Dear M. This is my initiation to the inebriated society. I might like it here. I might stay a while. Maybe I'll even earn that license to do something stupid someday, but for now, I just can't understand, for the life of me, why you left me like that. Please teach me how to let you go, I just can't do it when I'm sane and sober.

Since then, JC became my best friend. I would find myself lost in a bottle even before sundown. When I've had one too many shots, everything becomes more clear. I can't understand why people say they forget everything, on the contrary, I remember every detail. I can hear even the most minute sound, and sometimes I feel that if I really try, I could get out of my body, look at myself from the outside. and say: "Hey! Why are you doing this to yourself? You can't let one person affect you that much. There's a whole unexplored universe out there, get over it already." Then everything would be calm and quiet, my heart would stop hurting, my stomach would stop that queasy feeling it gets when you learn that someone whom you thought loved you, has betrayed you and walked all over you. Yes, everything stops when the shots start overflowing, the moment is freeze framed and I don't feel so lost anymore, I could forget that the rest of the world is moving on while I'm stuck in a moment.

Yesterday, Zet and I were talking about sobriety and how I can't remember when I last drowned myself in tequila and vodka ice. I checked my calendar last night and it was 38 weeks ago, the scars I got from that experience hasn't completely healed. No, I guess time isn't that fast a healer, and yes, I did earn my stupidity license, but that's another story.

Last week was a series of resets and deletions in my life. I woke up and found out that my nano's forward button isn't working, I tried a reset but it wouldn't respond. So I decided to bring it to the Apple Center for repair or replacement. The attendant took one look then erased everything! In 5 seconds my 2 gb worth of songs, photos, ebooks, and contacts were all gone! I walked out in a state of shock. She should have told me first that all i needed to do was reformat the drive and update the software to fix the problem, I could have done that myself and backup my songs too. what great customer service! She should be hit by a meteor rock from outer space (so Smallville!).

When I arrived home, I took out my Clie from the drawer, intending to update my expenses but lo and behold! It wouldn't turned on! What is happening to my gadgets?! Turned out the battery went empty and all my data got wiped clean. Boohoo!

I guess this day is teaching me some hard realities about stuff. Sometimes things just disappear without warning, and you can never be fully prepared for that, but you have to accept it. You can't just stay stuck in the I'm - so - shocked - I - can't - believe - this - is - happening - to - me - What - have - I - done - to - deserve - this state. Sooner or later you will have to pick up the pieces and rebuild what can still be fixed. Of course, we shouldn't forget the lessons, that's the best part about making mistakes, we learn how to prevent making the same ones again.

As for me, I'll move on, tomorrow I'll take out all my CDs again and rip all the songs back to my ipod, then I'll reinstall all the PDA apps that I need, and this time I won't forget to charge everyday.

I needed an excuse to start a blog so I opened my diary and looked for an entry that I could use for inspiration. Here's what I found:

10.09.2004.06.13.a.m.
Some people don't know when to give up on things that don't work anymore. They tend to hold on to something broken in the hopes that it might one day be magically fixed, like some miracle or fairy tale. While it's not bad to dream, we must learn to put our two feet on the ground. What's gone is gone, we must know when to move on and close the door, or else the other window might not open and we would end up suffocating on our own fears.

"They say it is always darkest before dawn. We will never fully appreciate the day unless we experience the night in all its darkness"

this is all that i took home from my short trip to cebu last week.

the days were so fast that i barely had time to see all the people i'm supposed to meet up with.

well, that's what next times are for.. something to look forward to (or dread).

mmmmmmmmm.