Sometimes I do something stupid that makes me still shake my head in disbelief when I recall it a few days, weeks, months or years later. This tale is one of those.

I was heading back to the apartment after watching the last full show with Ri and Gia when it started to rain so I took out the umbrella that Ri lent (I never liked umbrellas). I heard my phone beeping from a text message received, probably my roommate asking what time I'll be home, but I didn't want to take it out to check.

Our condominium was just across the street from the mall and I could have crossed it in 2 minutes but some guy put his arm on my shoulder and an ice pick on my side then said:

"Give me your cellphone or I'll stab you"

I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought it was a joke or a prank by someone I know but I replied:

"Ok, go ahead, stab me"

The guy probably couldn't believe his ears, maybe he thought I was deaf or stupid or both so he repeated his script:

"I said give me your phone or I'll stab you!!!"

At this point I knew I was gonna get stabbed for real anyway whether I give up the phone or not, maybe I should have given him the phone, hit him with the umbrella or ran away screening but instead I just said:

"Stab me, what are you waiting for?"

Was it shock or a death wish or my logic just fell off my head? I don't recall but I saw a policeman on the other side of the street and I started saying:

"Oh there's a policeman! Help!"

Then the guy and I both started to run in opposite directions. I went inside the condominium and took the elevator straight to my pad. I explained what happened to my roommate and I called my mom and dad. I later realized my hand and my sides were bleeding so I took a shower and decided to sleep it off despite warnings that I should go to the ER and get anti-tetanus shots. I could be extremely stupid and stubborn at the same time I know :)

The next day I recounted my story to my workmates and Ri warned me that one of her cousins died of tetanus within 24 hours after his leg was scratched by a metal object while wading in the flood.

I started researching for tetanus symptoms since I was feeling slightly feverish and decided I would make an ugly corpse with a lockjaw so I proceeded to the hospital and lined up at emergency room.

After I told the doctor what happened, she reprimanded me for not going there sooner. I had a few X-rays on my hand to make sure there were no fractures and I also filed a police report which later resulted to more guards and lights in the area.

So the lesson of the story is this: always keep your phone on silent mode. :)

"in order to be happy now, I should own myself up to the possibility that I might one day be sad. I should accept the reality that there might not be anyone for me, at least I could get on with the rest of my life without having to think about that *missing* part."

- the real cancun

There is always something to chronicle when there's absolutely nothing going on in your life. You can ramble on about the mundanity of everyday existence, the lack of things to do, places to go, or people to talk to. The void of not being in a relationship or the nuance in belonging to one, the absence of time or money or energy to accomplish something - these are but a few of the subjects one can use as an excuse to fill up space with more nonsense, as if the world listens or notices. But it doesn't matter, it's just a release. Writing something down behind the anonymity of blogs fills this need of expressing yourself and being heard. It deceives you into believing that someone somewhere actually cares.

I've read and seen a lot of ways on how to cope up with building frustration, Paulo Coelho suggests that you write it down on paper then let it be swept away by the waves of the River Piedra. I can just imagine the tons of trash filling that site if all people follow his advice. Nicholas Sparks offers that throwing a letter inside an empty wine bottle to the vast ocean would do the trick, this could be a romantic way of finding true love and yet that's sacrilege to the marine ecosystem. Wong Kar Wai proposes finding a tree with a big hole and shouting all your secrets in there. This sounds like a plan, very environment friendly and all it entails is a map of the hundred acre wood and a pair of trusty hiking boots. But being the lazy lump of lard that I am, I prefer Lilo's way of screaming everything on a pillow. All my huggable fluffy headrest are now certified deaf from this activity. My throat also aches and all I can do is drink hot tea and whisper to make it more bearable. Why do we punish ourselves like this? Are we addicted to pain?
On and on
She just keeps on trying
And she smiles when she feels like crying
On and on,
- On and On, Stephen Bishop -

Back to reality, I have job interviews left and right, something to stimulate the logic in me. thank God!

Two years ago I got a heart torn in two, with the intent of giving the other half to someone who wanted to share it with me. I wore it for a month or so till my skin erupted and my body rejected the idea of ever parting with half of my treasure. Last Saturday while Yuck and I were moving things and cleaning up the new flat, I found my rusty heart and decided to use it again. I drowned it in a strong chemical that wiped away all the blackness, it now looks good as new, but it's still broken, after all, that's how it always was to begin with.

Tonight, the rain is pouring hard and I'm looking forward to walking home drenched and soaked in heaven's tears. Why can't time just stop for a while and take me back to that happy place? The windows at my new room doesn't have a view of the sky, I can't seem to hear the laughter of the stars from where I stand, are they still there?

Maybe I should take the Osaka route soon to get away from all this sadness..

Argh! How could I forget a friend's birthday? Probably old age hehe =) or I can blame it on the liquor, research says they kill your brain cells, and God knows how much of that potent stuff I've consumed this month.

Here's something I wrote to commemmorate my forgetfulness:

you were forgotten
for a day i lost your name
among the shallow torments
of my wandering mind

it must have been fate
who opted to shroud you
in some distant corner
obscured from my sight

today chance reminded me
of what i've overlooked
i unveiled my transgression
yesterday is always too late

08.30.2006.5:43.p.m.

how do we measure the distance between raindrops?
how do we draw a line between love and pain?
how do we go one road and then travel another?
how do we cry our hearts out, then smile again?

how do we find what we've once lost?
how do we forget what we shouldn't remember?
how do we see blue skies when the clouds are grey?
how do we say yes when we have to say never?

how do we make an apt end to what we've started?
how do we deny to the world what we really feel?
how do we know when to give up and say it's over?
how do we decide what is and isn't real?

08.28.2006.5.56.p.m.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road is where I'll always be

Littlest Hobo was my favorite Saturday morning tv program when i was a kid. It's a show about an alsatian dog that travels cross country and helps each people he meets along the way. He never lets those people make him their pet, so after each episode you see him running off again to some other place.

Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.

This morning I woke up with an urgency to pack my stuff into boxes. I received news that my roommate (who is currently on vacation) may be moving out soon, the lease for our flat is expiring in two months (the owner is selling the unit), the dust under the table is accumulating, the unread books and unwatched dvds are collecting cobwebs - these thoughts cluttered my head until I felt that I had to do something or else I'd go crazy. I don't know why I had to do it today though, after all I was just lazying around all weekend and I still got eight weeks right? I guess that just proves how obsessive compulsive I can be sometimes.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Every time I'm leaving for some place and packing my bags, I can't help but remember this hobo theme song. I've lived in many different houses that were never really home to me, only temporary refuge and parking space for my clothes, but still I haven't mastered the art of throwing away things that are of no use to me anymore. How did I ever accumulate all these tiny irrelevant trinkets? I moved back to this city two years ago with a trolley bag and a knapsack, now I need more than 5 boxes for all my collected junk.

Down this road, that never seems to end,
Where new adventure, lies just around the bend.

Perhaps there was a time when they used to mean something, but now they're nothing but nuances to my otherwise hapless existence. I should really stop buying more trash from the store. I'll just have to remind myself that I'm a wanderer, I should travel light, I can't have all those baggage weigh me down, or else I'll just be stuck in one place for so long and grow roots. And I can't do that.. I tried once, but I just can't.

So if you want to join me for a while
Just grab your hat, come travel light - that's hobo style.

Last night I had dinner with an old friend. He's the kind who comes and goes and never really stays. We've been neighbors for 24 months, but we only saw each other yesterday, incidentally, his lease is expiring in a week and he must move out soon too. He doesn't need to find a new place though since he will be going out of the country for a while, he'll just leave his personal belongings at his folks'. Now that's what I call convenience, I wish my parents had a house where I can leave my stuff, but sadly, they're hobos too, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home.
- Maybe Tomorrow (Terry Rush) -