You Alone
by Rolando Carbonell

You alone, beloved,
can teach me to measure the memory of a song...
No one knows to what ecstasy my heart will soar.
The gentleness in your smile is enough
to touch the tenderness in my heart.
In the secret page of my life is written a story...
never to be forgotten.
For all the silent records this vessel holds
contain the memory of you.

Come, then, beloved, and sing with the songs so sweet.
Burn my soul with the magic jewel of your song
that i may awaken from the darkness of this world
to view the blossoming of the stars.

And is there any power greater than love?
Speak then, beloved, speak.
Give to me the essence of your love,
and the slumbering poems in this dark universe
will blazon anew, swelling like waves
upon the bosom of a hungry shore.

Because you and I shall sing,
heaven itself will quiver with a burst of song.
And the morning shall greet us with a glow
to open the flowering of a new tune.

No one else but you can still the throbbing,
sobbing, murmuring voice within.
No one.

For you alone can reach the silent stretches of my soul.
You alone...

Without you, beloved, what joy will there be in a song? Without the embraces of your love -
what use is the beauty of the morn?
Without the promise of your kiss,
what delight is there in the fragrance of a rose?

Without you, my love,
memory itself will lose the beauty of its touch...
Come then, my dear, like a flower, like a song,
like a dream...

And I shall write the forgotten poems of many days
you secretly left in my soul.
In every line I shall scribble the many thoughts
this soaring mind holds.

And the music in my heart shall spread its wings
to envelop the memory of your youth scattered by the winds.

You alone can make a miracle out of a song...
You alone can transform this poem into a prayer...
You alone can make me feel the breath of life again.

Beyond Forgetting
by Rolando A. Carbonell

For a moment I thought I could forget you.
For a moment I thought I could still the restlessness in my heart. I thought the past could no longer haunt me - nor hurt me. How wrong I was!

For the past, no matter how distant, is as much a part of me as life itself. And you are part of that life. You are so much a part of me - of my dreams, my early hopes, my youth and my ambitions - that in all my tasks I can’t help remembering you. Many little delights and things remind me of you.

Yes, I came. And would my pride mock my real feelings? Would the love song, the sweet and lovely smile on your face, be lost among the deepening shadows?

I have wanted to be alone.
I thought I could make myself forget you in silence and in song...And yet I remembered. For who could forget the memory of the once lovely, the once happy world such as ours?

I came because the song that I kept through the years is waiting to be sung. I cannot sing it without you. The song when sung alone will lose the essence of its tune, because you and I had been one.

I have wanted this misery to end, because it is part of my restlessness. Can't you understand? Can't you divine the depth and the tenderness of my feelings towards you? Yes, can’t you see how I suffer in this even darkness without you?

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. How could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But, perhaps, you didn't understand...

Remember, I came because the gnawing loneliness is there and will not be lost until the music is sung, until the poem is heard, until the silence is understood....until you come to me again.

For you alone can blend the music and memory into one consuming ecstasy. You alone...

a refuge for the misguided and weary

beneath the mist that sleeps on the windows
i ask you to hide me away
pack my sadness in a suitcase
under a bed of empty dreams and empty bottles

i ask you to hide me away
in a place with neither light nor darkness
under a bed of empty dreams and empty bottles
where sanity stays still in mid air

in a place with neither light nor darkness
hang my scars and stars on the ceiling
where sanity stays still in mid air
like raindrops refusing to fall

hang my scars and stars on the ceiling
beside the trophies of my aimless wandering
like raindrops refusing to fall
i know this fog will never clear

beside the trophies of my aimless wandering
pack my sadness in a suitcase
i know this fog will never clear
beneath the mist that sleeps on the windows

08.20.2004.2.44.p.m.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"
from "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope

im still waiting here, waiting for you to come sit by my side and take my hand, and walk me home..

it seems ages ago when we last sat together and just watched the blue sky turn to orange then finally to a deep purple. that was years ago, and we were both too young, we didnt know any better, or maybe we knew too much then.. i dont know anymore. i never knew anything. you were the wise one. i was the scribe.

time has a way of blurring images, making the past seem like an illusion, and the future, a distant dream. if only i could conjure enough images of you, of us in my mind, then maybe i could bring you back, maybe i could bring us back, and we can continue where we left off.

but, where exactly was that?

its 3 am, friday morning, and im here at the office, tying up the finishing touches for the system. im sleepy as hell and i feel like a zombie with my thoughts racing to catch up with my fingers on the keyboard or maybe its the ther way around, i cant think anymore. i just want to give in to the darkness.

hehe quite scary atmosphere here with the lights flickering every now and then like a scene from a badly made horror movie, which reminds me of that lobotomy article i read last night *shivers* oh well, today is officially my last weekday here in this office so i might as well give it my best shot =p

i hope the next one will be a step higher up the food chain ^_^

one moonlit night i went out to look for stars that may have lost their hold on the great dark sky and decided to fall and graze the leaves and branches of my neighbor's backyard

from the bushes, i picked one tiny drop of sunlight and whispered: "hi"

it flickered ever so slightly and looked as if it was abashed to be seen in such a frightful state. i lifted my palm encouragingly and said: "dont be afraid, im here to help you find your way, where did you come from? wher are you headed?"

but the star having no ears could not hear me, it wept silently, the way a child would after discovering he is lost, and he has gone a long way from home.

i sat down on the grass and pondered the situation that my star has gotten itself into. yes, i know im being presumptous to call it mine, when ive only just found it, and i dont even know what to do with it yet, or if somebody else owns it, or worse, what if it is one of those things which cannot be owned?

pushing aside my own introspection, i tried once more, this time i put my finger on my lips as if to hush its weeping, then i pointed to the moon lazily resting on some velvet clouds which chose to hide the heavens - where my tiny friend fell from. "home" i said slowly, clearly, "is that where you came from?"

and with a sudden rush of understanding, it blinked once, twice, and nodded its head, "g-- o- h- o- m- e" it tried to utter in broken syllables, ah! my star wanted to go home, we have progress, at least i now know where we're headed, but how could i reach the sky and put this star back where it once belonged? a seemingly impossible task, i thought, but like all problems, this too must come with a solution, though not yet obvious right now.

i pulled out a piece of torn paper from my coat, and gently wrapped my quivering star in it, i replaced it back in my pocket and walked slowly.

how do i reach the sky? do i build a tall ladder and lean it against a giant tree, then climb it painstakingly till i finally reach the top? how would i know if it is high enough? do i make a giant balloon made of hot air and let it lift me up till i can touch that place where the horizons meet? do i ride a boat and row myself to eternity hoping i will somehow sail through the end of the seas and fall off the earth and touch the vast nothingness of forever?

carefully, i took my star from out of its hiding place and laid it down into the cold ground, i laid down beside it and watched the distance between us and our destination grow by leaps and bounds with my every blink,

...and this is where i am right now.