went to cn tower last sunday, 147 stories high with a nice view deck and a 360 degrees revolving restaurant. the tour guide said it was the tallest tower on the planet, so literally we were at the top of the world.. *hum that karen carpenter song on the background* so that’s how it felt like to be on top, alone and empty and not to mention bitter, especially when you’re surrounded by couples smooching each other left and right. you would want to cut the railings and throw them out.

cn has a glass floor and you can look down all you want till gravity pulls your stomach upside down. i discovered i don’t have any fear of heights so i sat and rolled and jumped, wanting to feel the motion sickness that my friend nie was having.. no effects though, i probably left my feelers somewhere. one of the guests asked if it was safe to jump on the glass floor, the guide replied "yes of course, you can jump all you want, you only fall once" =p

riding the subway and going downtown for the first time was quite an experience, we didn’t know where to buy tokens or whether to get transfer tickets. finding our way to the tower was like traversing a maze, we encountered a couple of detours due to police barricades and falling ice. after the sight seeing, we missed the film and the roller coaster simulation and proceeded to dinner and shopping for souvenirs instead. i didn’t get any, i have a feeling i might be going back there sometime soon,.

next stop: niagara falls.

I grew up watching "Perfect Strangers" on Thursday nights. In this comedy show, Larry chants a weird mantra every time Balky annoys him: "I am a hollow reed, troubles blows through me like the wind *insert sound of wind here*". It keeps him sane, grounded and in control. I could use a mantra, I could use a double barrel shotgun then run amok and blast the minions to another galaxy. Tsk, I should stop reading True Crime books.

CT: these days i cant help but wish i was back in a time when everything was easier
Hot Shot Lawyer Guy (HSLG): you're telling me. i wish i was 10 years old all over again
CT: no matter how simple you want things to be, they always find ways to morph themselves into something complicated. i should go back to being 6 years old and never grow up
HSLG: it's days like these when i realize how great it is to be mentally retarded. so what's been up with you
CT: i found a song that would keep my nerves calm. its on eternal repeat in my ipod right now. ill probably be mentally retarded before the battery runs out. =) so your job is keeping you busy? no time to have personal problems?
HSLG: everybody has personal problems.=) my job, thankfully, keeps my mind occupied.
CT: i don't want to have personal problems, i'd like to donate my body to science hehe
HSLG: hahaha. it sounds like you need a good laugh

IPOD MOOD: "Pink Bullets" by The Shins

There's this great show on the lifestyle network called "Clean House". The people from CH will go to your place and help you declutter. They'll encourage you to let go of things that you think are so valuable because of sentimental reasons but are actually just plain old useless junk in the eyes of others. I've watched grown men cry over Hard Rock beanie babies, assorted shot glasses and Harley tees they've collected over the years. I've seen middle-aged women cling on to old bridal gowns they will never wear again or weird looking dolls they got from their mom.

The memory value is indeed priceless, and if you have a big room where you can stack up all your trash in a shelf like a museum of sorts, I doubt there would be a need to give them up. Unfortunately, space is an issue and renting a warehouse to store the piles of accumulated stuff is not an option. (Hmmm, this gives me a business idea) And so the waterworks begin as home owners try to hold on to their treasure trove while the CH staff bribe them with entertainment center and dvd players to stop them from living in the past.

Tonight, I'm starting my very own CH project, Operation Clean Heart. I need to start anew by discarding old emotions. I guess this is part 2 of the letter ripping episode I did some months ago, but this time, I'm ripping my heart right out.

IPOD MOOD: "Your House" by Jimmy Eat World

Next week I'll be starting with my new work, but I still have to report in my current job to finish some tasks and turn over my responsibilities. That would mean 80 hour work weeks, I feel like a lawyer or a med intern. I hope the pay is enough to cover the hospital bills.

Visited my old high school last Tuesday, it felt so much smaller than I remembered. Somehow old worries seem so inconsequential now as I walked through the hallways and listened to a lecture on balancing chemical formula and solving differential calculus. I wanted to barge in and say "Hey, you know what, as you go through life you'll find out that not all things are similar to chemical compounds with definite atomic weight and can be balanced nor are all problems like polynomially complete equations that have roots" But of course I just held my tongue, they would have to learn that for themselves. My physics, math, economics and literature olympiad participation did very little in helping me get through the most difficult phases of my existence in this world. Most of the times, my idealism that everything has a logical explanation or a rational solution just made me more pessimistic. It's easier to accept that all is random, no need to find patterns and arithmetic progression to understand it.

So now, as I shed my old beliefs and stretch my new found wings, I hope I'll wake up one day and find out that I can still fly despite all the bruises and beatings.

I can almost see the rainbow over the next horizon.

IPOD MOOD: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

The past week has been quite turbulent. I'm starting this new campaign where I don't let bad people and events affect me anymore. Hence let me start a new blog hopefully to lift me up and remind me that good things happen somehow. It can't always be gray clouds all the way. Saying it will make it true.

"There are no accidents in life. Everything happens for a reason. We meet people because they have a message for us. Ignoring them means losing the opportunity to hear that message. Experiences happen because there are lessons to be learned from them. Failing to analyze an experience means losing the chance to learn from it" - James Redfield, The Celestine Prophecy -

IPOD MOOD: "The Distance" by Evan and Jaron

"What is the worst feeling in the world?", I asked Essa last Sunday when she dropped by the pad after a week long vacation from the toxic city life. "Guilt and helplessness", she replied. I pondered a little and considered her answer, then she flipped the question back to me. "Betrayal", I said without hesitation as I looked away. "Is that why you haven't been eating and sleeping for the past days?". I stared blankly and stayed silent.

Sometimes I do something stupid that makes me still shake my head in disbelief when I recall it a few days, weeks, months or years later. This tale is one of those.

I was heading back to the apartment after watching the last full show with Ri and Gia when it started to rain so I took out the umbrella that Ri lent (I never liked umbrellas). I heard my phone beeping from a text message received, probably my roommate asking what time I'll be home, but I didn't want to take it out to check.

Our condominium was just across the street from the mall and I could have crossed it in 2 minutes but some guy put his arm on my shoulder and an ice pick on my side then said:

"Give me your cellphone or I'll stab you"

I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought it was a joke or a prank by someone I know but I replied:

"Ok, go ahead, stab me"

The guy probably couldn't believe his ears, maybe he thought I was deaf or stupid or both so he repeated his script:

"I said give me your phone or I'll stab you!!!"

At this point I knew I was gonna get stabbed for real anyway whether I give up the phone or not, maybe I should have given him the phone, hit him with the umbrella or ran away screening but instead I just said:

"Stab me, what are you waiting for?"

Was it shock or a death wish or my logic just fell off my head? I don't recall but I saw a policeman on the other side of the street and I started saying:

"Oh there's a policeman! Help!"

Then the guy and I both started to run in opposite directions. I went inside the condominium and took the elevator straight to my pad. I explained what happened to my roommate and I called my mom and dad. I later realized my hand and my sides were bleeding so I took a shower and decided to sleep it off despite warnings that I should go to the ER and get anti-tetanus shots. I could be extremely stupid and stubborn at the same time I know :)

The next day I recounted my story to my workmates and Ri warned me that one of her cousins died of tetanus within 24 hours after his leg was scratched by a metal object while wading in the flood.

I started researching for tetanus symptoms since I was feeling slightly feverish and decided I would make an ugly corpse with a lockjaw so I proceeded to the hospital and lined up at emergency room.

After I told the doctor what happened, she reprimanded me for not going there sooner. I had a few X-rays on my hand to make sure there were no fractures and I also filed a police report which later resulted to more guards and lights in the area.

So the lesson of the story is this: always keep your phone on silent mode. :)