i have been parked for so long that i have forgotten how it is to rush headlong into uncertainty. i have become complacent, i have faded into mediocrity, just as i've always thought i would. i sit and do my job and wait for the next paycheck to tide me over and buy me little things that never matter or take me to places that leave no memory on me. i have forgotten how to scrounge the earth for the last piece of bread that would mean my sanity or my survival. i have become too sure, too proud, too comfortable in my own little world that sometimes i feel i have no more reason to wake up the next morning.

i need to do this. i need to leave my comfort zone. i need to get lost in order to discover new worlds. i need to say goodbye so that i may have more hellos to look forward to.

news flash: i just resigned from my job. i am now part of the millions whose only certainty lies on the next setting of the sun, wish me lots of love as i shoulder my pack, and find myself.

"So meet me and we'll drive this car away
we can leave right now what do you say
we'll head out for the wide and open spaces
if we can clear the way"
- Duncan Sheik "Start Again" -

sometimes you have to
jump over the bridge
without strings
to bind your feet
if only to know
how falling feels like
after standing too long
and how water tastes like
after experiencing a drought

sometimes you have to
leave your comfort zone
and take big risks
with no sure wins
just so you'd remember
how to rise up again
after every great fall
or how to appreciate what's left
after a very big loss.

sometimes you have to
get up, move on
grab you pack
and wander off
into worlds unknown
or get lost
in anonymity
if only to find
your home,
your life,
your self,
once more

sometimes you just have to..

let go.


02.09.2004.06.42.2004

"sometimes i get tired of all the struggles i have yet to fight, all the stories i have yet to tell, all the places, the words, the people, i have yet to travel, to write, and to see...

sometimes i just want to sit in my own little corner and watch the world pass me by...

sometimes i wish someone would just sit there, quietly beside me, and know, without saying a word, without asking a question, all the fears and demons hiding inside me,

and somehow i wish that someone would understand.

sometimes i ask myself, if you could be that someone somehow sometime."

i have no words to ease my hapless fate
nor shadowed corners to hide myself in
the songs of hope they sang were sang too late
while rhymes they wrote were all so broken in

had cupid landed on someone else's heart
then mine own eyes would have escaped despair
but luck decided for love to depart
and leave my broken self beyond repair

i know someday there'll be more dreams to make
more stars, more skies, more places to behold
till then i know this grief i have to take
perhaps to make my heart more strong, more cold

till then, i pray, your name will never bring
as much sadness as one forgotten thing

01.12.2004.03.59.p.m.

i saw you last night, your eyes were filled with stars
bright stars i could not see
lonely stars that have lost their meaning for me

i walked towards you but away from you
watching my madness fall
in between the places we dare not go

i love you still..
but with a heart that does not skip a beat when i hear your name
i love you still...
but with a love that has no more substance, no point, no purpose.

last night, you looked back at me
with a faint smile
nodding a greeting in the distilled silence

we blinked, at the exact same time,
and for a moment,

we are,
you and i

but you walked away under the hazy moonlight

and yes,
even in dreams,

you leave me.

01.05.2004.5.05.p.m.

i shall wait as this trembling river
meet the setting sun and the dark night
i shall wait for the stars, the moon,
the desolate willow to behold my plight.
and as the sparrow weeps its burning tears,
i shall let the shadows hide me from the years.

we have let our sad affair echo through the years
while the only witness is this lazy river
i have let you go while i wept with muted tears
as we surrender our innocence to the lonesome night
the stars smile to write the melody of our endless plight,
and the overture unfolds amidst the clouded moon

shield me from the darkness, my light, my moon
hide me from the wisdom of bygone years
let me not suffer the fallen angels' plight
who folded their wings to drown in this river
dont let me be lost in this cruel night
wash my pain and sorrow with heaven's tears

as this dark hour brings more tainted tears,
my damp eyes are outshined by the solitary moon
the angry sky curses this faithless night
with memories we've buried in forgotten years.
still i hear our song in this quiet river
mocking my fallen courage and our fateful plight

would the sunset remember the hopeless plight
of love gone lost in between unspent tears?
would you go back to hear this lonely river
cry out its pain to the stubborn moon?
will tomorrow find me seeking the wasted years
while yeaterday buries our woes in the distant night?

my soul is clenched by the sadness of the night
while the wind plays the mournful music of our plight
where did they go, all those passing years?
why did we shed all these fragile tears?
how did dark night claim our reveries from the moon
and spill our emptiness on the banks of this river?

the night holds no answers, only more silent tears
as our plight lay naked under the unforgiving moon
years will find me, alone once more, as the wind sweeps across this river


11.22.2003.10.33.a.m.

there's a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
a certain kind of farewell,
both real and imagined
a certain kind of sadness
that hangs about my closed eyes
a certain kind of emptiness
that fills my void heart

there's a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
the world goes by sepia toned
everything is so background noise
the certain kind of sadness
walks with me to the pantry,
when i fill my mug with water
and bring it close to my lips

there's a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
maybe it's the way the clouds rolled by
or how the sun's rays filled the sky
there's a certain kind of loneliness
that wraps around my silent heart,
and i guess its because you're leaving
that's why this sadness floated by

11.22.2003.8.42.a.m.