i miss your late night text messages on the phone
saying sweet nothings
that time when you got all drunk and you said
what you never would have otherwise said, if you were sober..
you said you loved me..
i miss the dawns that find us together sitting on the sand
waiting for sunrise after a whole night
spent crusing the city on your friend's car,
listening to broken up songs and waiting
for the liquor to settle on our being.
i miss that time when i was drinking kamikaze
and my cheeks were all red
and you said "i wish i could take you home..", and you did,
if i was dreaming then, i wish you never woke me up. but you did
i miss the heavy rains on late evenings
while i walked you to the car,
you would hold my hand on those times
and be all quiet and serious
like it was the end of the world,
and indeed it was..

i miss missing you,
like right now,
when i force this verse out of my fingertips
i feel nothing,
there is no sadness, no pain, no hatred,

you have become
just another exercise
with words that have lost their meaning

06.03.2004.1.09.p.m.

i watch as those blades snip away
the strands that use to fall
over my shoulders
now they fall on the floor
like old pieces of history
that fell from the pages of my book
as i studied them back in high school
-- a past where i pulled you out of
such a long time ago to remember
tonight, of all nights
as i sit on this chair watching my hair
on the mirror that reflects my face
its odd though,
there are no traces of you
on the lines of my hand,
in between the spaces of my skin
or on the mirror that reflects my eyes
especially tonight, of all nights
when i had my hair cut
because of you

05.25.2004.7.28.p.m.

i bought this half heart silver pendant in baguio the last time i went there. people have been asking me where the other half is, and i always say that im still looking for it. one guy i went out with even searched his car and said: "maybe its here somewhere" =p oh well, wherever the other half of my heart is, im sure it will find me someday.. im in no rush.

where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 2
when: Wednesday, 19 Nay 2004. 11:30 p.m.

i watched troy last night with bonn and ynald. its a tragic movie about greed disguised as love and many other things in between.

tomorrow there will be a company outing in subic but since im not a regular employee here, i get to have a day off on friday. i am thinking of going to cebu but then the cost is holding me back. i'll probably just stay at home and recuperate, i'm not feeling well today.. i can also catch up on watching the dvds that i borrowed from ali and baron,

i wish it's 5pm already, this day is about to unfold inside meeting rooms, designing the data dictionary, ER diagrams, and screen items. there are so many things going on right now that i feel like a juggler walking on a tightrope, and no safety net to catch my fall. why do i always put myself in situations like this?

the sky was gray when i walked out of the house today, the weather station forecasted another typhoon looming, ah rainy season at last, i love the rain but i hate floods. you'd think that after that covenant with noah and the way technology has improved our lives today, you'd never see another killer flood in this day and age, but the haphazardly planned sewage system of this city negates all those. from june to december, average people of this city prepare themselves for the rainy season by buying not just umbrellas or rain coats, but also boots, pails, or even row boats.. such a sad state

i remember being young and waiting for the rain to fall so we kids would run outside and shower in the rain, we used to chase each other around the backyard as we create mud puddles all around.. we also made paper boats after the rain has passed and we raced each other across the puddles of water that collected on the rain gutters.. ah, the wonders of childhood, the little joys, and little sorrows.

as i grew up, the rain became my ally, it hid my tears in between each drop everytime i got heartbroken or disappointed with life. someone i secretly wished that i could be one with the rain, that i could just flow like water and be everywhere and nowhere all at once, waiting for the wind to propel me to wherever it chooses to go.

i looked out the window a while ago and noticed that the weather is still brooding, still deciding if it wants to open up the heavens and let the flood of rain fall and cleanse weary souls like mine..

in my heart of hearts, i wish it would..

i am the darkness
i am the velvet shadow that hides your dreams
i infect you with my gaze
and leave you restless, sleepless, and in total agony
at nights, i visit you in your slumber
i turn off the light from the stars
and hide the moon in thick dark clouds
i put my hand over your eyes and you become blind
but in your blindness you see me
towering over you like a deep dark fortress

i am the cold dark night
the one that leaves you shivering
and powerless and lonesome and grieving
i wrap my cape around you like a thick fog
and in the silence you question your existence
you toss yourself into the abyss
only to find yourself still here
trapped inside my web like an insect
wings torn, and tired and fallen

i am the merciless storm
that tears everything and everyone in sight
i trample upon your heart over and over
and yet you come back for more tormenting
you hide your tears in my icy rain but you fool noone,
you are defeated, conquered, forsaken
in the end there is only me
holding you like a puppet on my string
drinking the life from your veins until you are no more
at last, we become one and the curtains fall

5.12.2004.1.21.p.m.

"i feel no pain, i feel no sadness. i am hollow and i will live forever" - Count Vladislaus Dracula (Van Helsing)

went out of town last saturday to visit the famed hinulugang taktak in antipolo. i was with mom and baron. it was a long ride, we left makati at around 430pm and arrived past 8pm at greenland. we ate a lot, and now my stomach is suffering, baron was nice, he fetched water so we could take a shower (that's how it's done in the province =p) and he carried most of the heavy stuff that we accumulated while shopping. the waterfalls is in a bad state i must say, it was really a big disappointment.

we were back in the city by sunday afternoon and had a steak dinner at greenhills, it took us a while to find the "house of minis". i love the lamb chops there.

today i'm back to work and my stomach is still queasy, ria and lizette emailed me about the drunken revelation at their malapascua get away. i wish i was there.

i've been sober for too long, i don't remember how it feels like to be inebriated anymore =)