i’ve been meaning to ask you that for the longest time, you always seem to know so much about things, well not really, but at least you pretend to. you once told me about love, and how it weaves around everything, even the things we cannot see. i never understood what it meant, but i wanted to believe it, i wanted to believe you.

today i wish i could run across wet fields and feel love weave around me, even if for only a second. i wish i could feel again.. and when finally i do, i’ll know heaven isn’t that far away.

i am the loneliness falling on side streets
the one you pick up on long walks home
i keep you company and walk with you
when noone else will or wanted to

i hold your hand and let your tired soul
rest itself by my equally lonesome side
as we find comfort from the dying sun
and wait for the restless shining stars

i am the loneliness falling on soiled sheets
the one you tuck away under your bed
i dry your tears every single night and day
and hum sweet lullabyes while you sleep

i am the loneliness who lets you go
out into the vast cruel world alone
to meet that other lonely soul waiting
for you to make them whole once more

ndg.03.11.2005.10.49.a.m.

i skipped a lot of things and found a new venue for my writings =)

friends came and went, events and places became a blur of unfeeling after all the emotions have passed.

today and for however long i can make it work, i will be on detox.

might or might not be updating this anytime soon.

the beauty of the world is in the randomness and uncertainty that people impose on themselves

Last night I dreamt I was alive again, I felt I was tasting life for the first time; the feel of rain on the tip of my tongue was so real, so delicate, so tragic. I walked in and around my dream wondering where my imagination ended and reality began, but I could never really tell.

That's when I saw the shadow of a kindred soul lying on its back, right on the same mound of sand where I buried my star. My eyes saw red; I felt it was sacrilege for this trespasser to desecrate the grave of my dear friend. I quietly approached the resting soul and said: "why do you lie here when the sand is so vast and you can have your pick anywhere else but here?" I waited long for a response since it pretended not to hear me, but finally, when it realized I would hold my ground until it let out an explanation, it said in a slow indifferent drawl: "And why not? This mound provides a good pillow for my head, and besides, from this view I can see all the rest of the skies"

"What a proud creature you are, do you not know that this is the grave of my star and you have shown no amount of concern nor respect for it!" I uttered in indignation.

"A star you say?" it said with mild interest "those tiny drops of light belong to the skies not here on this barren sand, why did you choose to bury it here?"

"Because I don't know how to take it back where it came from," I said in frustration "I don't have tools to build me anything that wil l carry me to that place"

"Come here, sit beside me," the kindred soul invited "You don't need to build a great ship nor climb a tall ladder in order to reach the heavens, that is foolishness, nor should you lie here waiting for the heavens to come down to you, that is madness. There is only one way"

"And what is that?"

"To die."

"Are you implying that I should go now and take my life in order to reach heaven? That is the most absurd thing I ever heard."

"Who said anything about taking your own life? That is the farthest path to heaven. All you have to do is go about doing your own business and wait. Wait for that ultimate moment when Death finally decides to take you"

"I cannot wait that long, I need to leave this place now. I need to be in a place with no darkness nor sadness nor bitter choices, a place where I no longer have to wait for things that will never come"

"Ah, but that is your biggest fault, heaven is not a place. It is a decision. It is a commitment, and until you have not made one, you will never get there" For a moment, I wanted to believe that the kindred soul had gone mad, but something inside me churned so I stayed silent.

I closed my eyes in confusion. I envy my star whose time has come, and who is probably happy now beside its family of bright twinkling envoys of light. Why has death not chosen to take me with it too? Why do I have to go on with this madness?

These are the voices that visit me every night.

And today I chose to hide under these sheets
Because I found no need to show my face
To a world that left the rest of me meaningless
Without purpose, without calm, without conscience

I have always thought the music could wake me
Stir up my soul into submission or rebellion
Whichever is more apt at the precise moment;
But it never did, nothing ever affects me anymore

The way you do, with your nonchalant smile
So I take this knife gallantly and with much courage
The way a valiant but foolish murderer would
And slit it deep into my memories of you.

Not once, not twice, but a thousand times more
Until I can’t breathe and I cant see from all the red
You never die, do you? Not even in my dreams
Where you choose to stab me over and over and over

It only stops when I hide under these sheets once more
Leaving the music and the wakefulness outside
Waiting for the gray and the red to mix and turn to black
But they never would, no they never could

No one can mix colors the way you do

12.06.2004.2.55.p.m.

you always sit on the sand
to watch the endless dying sky
repaint the orange into purple
while humming a song for a falling star

i used to sing that song too
under broken beams of moonlight
inviting the wind to blow my way
wishing for a glimpse of that falling star

but that star never came down
and that song never played again
they left me sad, wishing for daylight
finding meanings for things that never last

if tomorrow still finds you
singing this sad love song for one
teach your tattered wings to fly again
dont wait for a star that will never come

12.01.2004.3.05.p.m.

lately the dreams were late to come and wake me up from reality. i have been turning stones but none of them can tell me where i've left the *missing piece*. that only made me more lost. maybe there is no such piece, maybe i have it with me but i just dont know it. maybe i had it once and i broke it mindlessly because i didnt know its value then. maybe maybe maybe. uncertainty is the only sure thing in my life right now.

it has been three months of silence. three months of spilling more words and letters somewhere else. everywhere else but here. my star has chosen to fade away and blink back the rest of the world one last time. i had to bury it under the sands where i first saw it. i dont know if it has a soul, but if it does, may its soul rest in peace.

last night i went home and looked into a mirror that reflected the rest of the world except me. i tried to find the spaces where i could fit but nothing stays in place these days anymore, and it is futile to hold on to something that has wings strong enough to carry itself away from me.

tonight the sunset threatens once more to make me think too much. i will not let it win this time.