i watch as those blades snip away
the strands that use to fall
over my shoulders
now they fall on the floor
like old pieces of history
that fell from the pages of my book
as i studied them back in high school
-- a past where i pulled you out of
such a long time ago to remember
tonight, of all nights
as i sit on this chair watching my hair
on the mirror that reflects my face
its odd though,
there are no traces of you
on the lines of my hand,
in between the spaces of my skin
or on the mirror that reflects my eyes
especially tonight, of all nights
when i had my hair cut
because of you

05.25.2004.7.28.p.m.

i bought this half heart silver pendant in baguio the last time i went there. people have been asking me where the other half is, and i always say that im still looking for it. one guy i went out with even searched his car and said: "maybe its here somewhere" =p oh well, wherever the other half of my heart is, im sure it will find me someday.. im in no rush.

where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 2
when: Wednesday, 19 Nay 2004. 11:30 p.m.

i watched troy last night with bonn and ynald. its a tragic movie about greed disguised as love and many other things in between.

tomorrow there will be a company outing in subic but since im not a regular employee here, i get to have a day off on friday. i am thinking of going to cebu but then the cost is holding me back. i'll probably just stay at home and recuperate, i'm not feeling well today.. i can also catch up on watching the dvds that i borrowed from ali and baron,

i wish it's 5pm already, this day is about to unfold inside meeting rooms, designing the data dictionary, ER diagrams, and screen items. there are so many things going on right now that i feel like a juggler walking on a tightrope, and no safety net to catch my fall. why do i always put myself in situations like this?

the sky was gray when i walked out of the house today, the weather station forecasted another typhoon looming, ah rainy season at last, i love the rain but i hate floods. you'd think that after that covenant with noah and the way technology has improved our lives today, you'd never see another killer flood in this day and age, but the haphazardly planned sewage system of this city negates all those. from june to december, average people of this city prepare themselves for the rainy season by buying not just umbrellas or rain coats, but also boots, pails, or even row boats.. such a sad state

i remember being young and waiting for the rain to fall so we kids would run outside and shower in the rain, we used to chase each other around the backyard as we create mud puddles all around.. we also made paper boats after the rain has passed and we raced each other across the puddles of water that collected on the rain gutters.. ah, the wonders of childhood, the little joys, and little sorrows.

as i grew up, the rain became my ally, it hid my tears in between each drop everytime i got heartbroken or disappointed with life. someone i secretly wished that i could be one with the rain, that i could just flow like water and be everywhere and nowhere all at once, waiting for the wind to propel me to wherever it chooses to go.

i looked out the window a while ago and noticed that the weather is still brooding, still deciding if it wants to open up the heavens and let the flood of rain fall and cleanse weary souls like mine..

in my heart of hearts, i wish it would..

i am the darkness
i am the velvet shadow that hides your dreams
i infect you with my gaze
and leave you restless, sleepless, and in total agony
at nights, i visit you in your slumber
i turn off the light from the stars
and hide the moon in thick dark clouds
i put my hand over your eyes and you become blind
but in your blindness you see me
towering over you like a deep dark fortress

i am the cold dark night
the one that leaves you shivering
and powerless and lonesome and grieving
i wrap my cape around you like a thick fog
and in the silence you question your existence
you toss yourself into the abyss
only to find yourself still here
trapped inside my web like an insect
wings torn, and tired and fallen

i am the merciless storm
that tears everything and everyone in sight
i trample upon your heart over and over
and yet you come back for more tormenting
you hide your tears in my icy rain but you fool noone,
you are defeated, conquered, forsaken
in the end there is only me
holding you like a puppet on my string
drinking the life from your veins until you are no more
at last, we become one and the curtains fall

5.12.2004.1.21.p.m.

"i feel no pain, i feel no sadness. i am hollow and i will live forever" - Count Vladislaus Dracula (Van Helsing)

went out of town last saturday to visit the famed hinulugang taktak in antipolo. i was with mom and baron. it was a long ride, we left makati at around 430pm and arrived past 8pm at greenland. we ate a lot, and now my stomach is suffering, baron was nice, he fetched water so we could take a shower (that's how it's done in the province =p) and he carried most of the heavy stuff that we accumulated while shopping. the waterfalls is in a bad state i must say, it was really a big disappointment.

we were back in the city by sunday afternoon and had a steak dinner at greenhills, it took us a while to find the "house of minis". i love the lamb chops there.

today i'm back to work and my stomach is still queasy, ria and lizette emailed me about the drunken revelation at their malapascua get away. i wish i was there.

i've been sober for too long, i don't remember how it feels like to be inebriated anymore =)

on calm days i love this song,

Here Is Your Paradise
by Chris de Burgh

I never knew love could be a silence in the heart,
A moment when the time is still,
And all I've been looking for is right here in my arms,
Just waiting for the chance to begin;

I never knew love could be the sunlight in your eyes,
On a day that you may not have seen,
And all I've been searching for, well words could never say,
When a touch is more than anything;

Maybe you will never know how much I love you,
But of this, be sure;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;

And in the dark night, you'll follow the bright light
And go where the love must go,
And you will wake in the morning to a brand new day,
Take all your worries away;

Maybe you will never know how much I love you,
But of this, be sure,
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore

here is how i fared in this online personality disorder test: (goes to show how demented i am)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

some additional info from www.mentalhealth.com

Paranoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
2. is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
3. is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
4. reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
5. persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
6. perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
7. has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Schizoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
2. almost always chooses solitary activities
3. has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
4. takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
5. lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
6. appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
7. shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, another Psychotic Disorder, or a Pervasive Developmental Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition

Borderline Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
4. is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
5. is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Dependent Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
2. needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
3. has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.
4. has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
5. goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
6. feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
7. urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
8. is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

here's a fairly detailed account of my recent baguio escapade =)


the journeythe trip to baguio itself is already an adventure, getting there, and getting out of there was the real challenge. my friend ree and i were hoping to catch the 2am bus trip but arriving there at exactly 2am didnt really help =p we really couldnt blame ourselves because i must admit, it was hard getting a taxi at 1am while standing at the train railways =) the next available trip would be at 6;30am, camping out at the bus terminal waiting till sunrise didnt sound like a good idea so we just opted to risk and try the unknown by going there via dagupan,. the next bus to dagupan leaves at 3am, so we happily seated ourselves on the bus and crossed our fingers. there was still hope that we'll arrive at our destination in one piece =)

we reached dagupan at around 9am, and the bangus festival was on going, part of me wanted to stay there and see the festival, but the bigger part of me just wanted to board the next bus and proceed to the pine tree haven. i was so tired, my head ached, and i was on the verge of hurling, apparently i'm not used to long bus rides anymore, and we havent even reached the place.

finally at half past 11, we got out of the baguio victory terminal with our 10pm return trip tickets for sunday.


the shop-a-holicsmy cousin arrived to pick us up at the terminal and we proceeded to her place to deposit our things and take a quick shower. the ice cold water brought me back to reality, and i was wide awake again in no time despite the fact that i havent slept in 30 hours straight. we had lunch at dencio's which was housed in the newly constructed SM, the place was great, it sat on top of a hill overlooking the mountains and the city. we had a big lunch which probably was a sign that there was a long and tiring day ahead, and indeed the day went by as prophesized. we shopped for souvenirs, clothes and what have you. incidentally there was a 3 day midnight sale at SM, so we also took part in that, at around 12am, there was a band at the bazaar area and they were playing john mayer songs. i was cold and foot sore before we retired back to our room. but even before that, we were already contemplating on how we'd get back to the city earlier than 10pm the next day. if our computations were correct, we'd be arriving at around 4am monday, and that would leave us very little time for preparation in going to work. we had two options:

1. sell our return tickets and go home via dagupan again
2. try our luck being chance passengers for the 4pm trip

we chose the option 2 and i fell asleep listening to the beach boys sing my favorite sad song =)


sunrise and picnici woke up at 6am the next day and watched the sun go up while i stood on the terrace, so many things were going through my head, things from the past that kept flashing back, but i blocked them all out, i looked at the 2 sleeping figures on the bed and i wished i was still asleep and not thinking too much. so sleep again i did, or rather tried, i snuggled against the big hotdog pillow and pulled the sheets over my head, i wanted to hide and wait for the rest of the world to wake up. we finally went out of the house at around past 10, we shopped for some more souvenirs and procured our lunch.

getting lunch was in itself an ordeal, we walked for around 30 minutes just to buy food from different shops, finally we boarded a taxi to camp john hay. we had a picnic there near the small statue of liberty and after that we visited the graveyard of bad habits. we walked and walked and finally took another cab to take us back to the dry goods market so we can buy some bottled food stuff that we could bring home to our friends or family, my cousin bought two potted rose plants that her aunt requested, it was really heavy and i kidded her that maybe her aunt was an evil step mom in disguise =p


the long way homewe were standing in line at the terminal by 3:30pm and there were already around 40 people in front of us, the chance that we would be boarding an early bus looked slim considering that they were calling only 2 or 3 chance passengers per bus per hour. then the bonus trip came, and it was like winning a lottery jackpot, 50 people were accomodated, ree was so happy, my cousin was lost in her virtual world of texting =p, and i was just relieved that we would finally be able to sit down, my feet were still literally swelling, some insect probably bit me.

the ride home was rather uneventful, the driver played old love songs while most people slept. kat and i talked about childhood and dreams and fears. it brought back memories of summers spent in bulacan, moving from one city to the other, changing schools every so often and not making friends, college teachers and favorite subjects, moving away and living alone, things that go by unnoticed or things that want to fade into oblivion and things that dont want to be remembered, we talked about everything and nothing at all.

at the bus stopover, we went down to buy some snacks and to stretch our aching legs. kat and ree slept for the remainder of the trip while i drifted in and out of reality, listening to the song selection of the local radio station.

"You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night"
- "Promise Me" (Beverly Craven) -

im trying to run away from my past by moving away but i seem to be going in circles, maybe i was right, there is no ultimate point of arrival, the journey is a circle, and if we find ourselves standing where we started, then that doesnt mean that we have gone nowhere, because we may have lost parts of ourselves by getting where we are, but we've also gained pieces that will make our puzzle complete.