“But don’t look back in anger, I heard you say” 

Time makes memories hazy and fragile and cruel. Sometimes it even exposes things you’ve overlooked that were always hiding in plain sight. Then again, it’s not often that a blast from the past comes strolling by your present and totally changes everything you thought you once knew and held as true. 

Today a forgotten dream knocked on my door in broad daylight and I was reminded that what I thought I just imagined was actually a previous reality that I have lived through. It seems bizarre to even think there was a different life before the now and another place aside from here but that’s what time and distance do - they play tricks on us until everything just melts into a big pot of beautifully distorted colors that only our hearts can see through. 

There was a yesterday when no matter how tightly I shut my eyes and how much I covered my ears, I could still see and hear all the things that hurt me, I felt too much then but the scars are faint now and I’ve come a long way from that dark place. The torments are few and far between. 

While it’s easy to just pretend it didn’t happen, it’s hard to ignore the lessons we’ve learned from every fall and stumble along the way. So rather than sweeping the dust under the rug like we always do, let’s clean up after ourselves and just admit, that once upon a time we brightened the night sky like we were daylight, and for a brief moment we thought we could fly, but as most fireballs do, we crashed and burned to the ground. 

We lost pieces of our old selves that day but new things grew back to take their place. And even though these patched up parts don’t quite fit, we make do and we carry on. 

I carry on. 

“I can feel it comin' back again 

like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind 

forces pullin' from the center of the earth again”

been sick for a couple of days now but this song is pulling me back to wellness.

Back To You
MercyMe

Nobody said it would be easy
Nobody said that life's a breeze
Tossin' and turnin', oh the wind keeps churnin'
Like I'm a little toy boat out on the sea

If I'm down don't count me out
I'll slowly get back on my feet
Stumblin' and fumblin', but I keep on coming
Just as long as you're not giving up on me

When I trip, I fall and slow down to a crawl
And feel like I've got nothing left to lose
I may slip, slide, and watch our worlds collide
But I will
Hit the ground running back to you

There are days my head is spinning
Wishing I could hit the switch and end this ride
If it came to a stop and someone let me off I know
I would just get right back in line

When I trip, I fall and slow down to a crawl
And feel like I've got nothing left to lose
I may slip, slide, and watch our worlds collide
But I will
Hit the ground running back to you

What kind of love would say
I love you anyway
Oh, time and time again

When I trip, I fall and slow down to a crawl
And feel like I've got nothing left to lose
I may slip, slide, and watch our worlds collide
But I will
Hit the ground running back to you
I will
Hit the ground running back to you

I may slip, slide and watch our worlds collide
But I will, yes I will
Hit the ground running back to you
I hit the ground running back to you

I hit the ground, crashing down, rolling round
But I rebound, I get back up and I'll be found
Running, running back to you

I'm running back to you
Back to you
Back to you
Back to you
Running back to you

“Watching Over Me”
FFH

Where could I run, where could I hide
Where could I go where You are not
Where could I be where You don't see
All of these demons chasing me
What kind of sin could I find myself in
Where You wouldn't stop
The world from spinning 'round and 'round
When it seems like I am upside down
But in Your comfort I have found
A safe place to fall

And I'll be alright
Safe inside
Stayin' alive
As long as You are watching over me

Where could I go where I don't know
All of the comfort You bestow
Where could I fall, where could I land
Where I'm not resting in Your hand
How could I stray too far away
Where You won't leave the ninety-nine
To come and bring me back
And put me on Your shoulders and
Carry me around Your neck
Until it's safe to walk

And I'll be alright
Safe inside
Stayin' alive
As long as You are watching over me

And I will be fine
'Cause You are by my side
And I'll be okay
'Cause You're with me every day
This one thing is sure
I could never, ever ask for more

And I"ll be alright
Safe inside
Stayin' alive 

That the sky would lift
That I’d find my place
That I’d see your face in the door

i press my face against the tinted glass and watch as the rain drenches the long dark street that is kingsway. in exactly 13 minutes, the flourescent bulbs will blink once, twice and finally sleep, i will then count 43 strides from my sanctuary to that corner beside the door that leads to a seemingly endless flight of stairs, and with a power that only i possess at this forsaken hour, i will flick the eternal switch that separates light from darkness.

And the sun would glint
On a time well spent
On a time that ain’t no more

in between sleeplessness and dreaming i glance at the painted orange and pink colored skies on dry canvas that my friend made with a hand that never tires and a mind that never runs out of ways to mix ink into masterpieces. the portraits remind me of ephemeral childhood days when time didn't exist to mark failures we've committed nor milestone we have yet to accomplish, back then plans were nothing but castles that giant waves crush into scattered lumps of sand.

Takes the broken hearts
In the vacant lots
To see the fruit that rots on the trees

as my eyes dim and surrender to the grey cloudy skies that hide the stars, my brain gives in to translucent dreams chasing after each other. i freefall straight into the chasm, there is no pause, not even for a gasp of air, but just when my heart is about to explode.. the heavens open.. and i am blinded by the light.. i hear wings beating against the wind, flying towards a sun that burns me..

Had to turn my head
Leave it all for dead
But it’s in my mind always

i wake up, the screen flickers, i'm still here..

song excerpt: "Lately" by David Gray, from the album "Life in Slow Motion"

2009.03.24.02.31.a.m.n.d.g

Just when I stopped listening to Jack Johnson (because I heard/saw somebody strum Banana Pancakes on the guitar and that ruined it all for me..), Apple then decides to play his tunes on the recently concluded Fall Event that introduced several new iSoftware and iGadgets,

"Better Together" by JJ opened the show and the closing act was "Yellow" performed by Chris Martin - these songs are haunting me with memories I want to forget,

..and this is why I stopped listening to secular music.

Yellow
by Coldplay


Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you 

While the rest of the world are following the live stream of Steve's iPad announcement, I am packing the last of my things on my pad. Tonight I'll be returning my modem and later on I'll give back my keys. It was fun while it lasted, at least I got to go from basement to penthouse in three years, that's a great milestone for someone who never stays in place.

In a few more days, I'll be back on the road like the littlest hobo. It's a funny feeling, I should be happy to go *home*, but this is home for me now.. and I've never felt this way before about any other place in the world. I will always strive to come back here.

Maybe Tomorrow
Terry Bush

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I make a new friend,
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Down this road that never seems to end,
Where new adventure lies just around the bend.
So if you want to join me for a while,
Just grab your hat, come travel light, that's hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home.

So if you want to join me for a while,
Just grab your hat, come travel light, that's hobo style

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

There's a world that's waiting to unfold,
A brand new tale no-one has ever told.
We've journeyed far but I know it wont be long;
We're almost there, and we've paid our fare with our hobo song.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

So if you want to join me for a while,
Just grab your hat, come travel light, that's hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll find what I call home,
Until tomorrow, you know I'm free to roam

---

Reflecting on: Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

---

Listening to: "This is Home" by Switchfoot

---

Watching: live stream of Apple event

---

Local News:
- Brampton family man needs liver transplant in four months
- help for Haiti continues
- Winter olympics in two weeks, local mountains might need snow air-lifted

Wishing we could choose our own landscape
Wishing me and you could just go anywhere we wanted
Once in a blue moon we'd stay out late
And watch the sun come up at five-thirty in the morning

It's a blue moon on New Year's eve, so I guess those people who once said they'd do something on a blue moon would have no excuse to run off this time ^^. There used to be a time in my life when I was just so awed by the moon, I was probably six then and just finished watching the lunar landing, inspiring me to be an astronaut or some rocket scientist. The dream went on till university and not really until I finally found myself at the NASA headquarters in Houston did I realize that I'm probably not gonna be fit enough to be an astronaut. So that probably means I won't be stacking any flags next to the USA's out there in that pot-holed surface.

When Geocities closed back in October this year, I lost a lot of literary works that I failed to backup. I was having some real world issues that I forgot my nine years of words were out there somewhere being deleted and falling into a virtual black hole. There were lots of poems and essays about the moon there. Beyond Forever was divided into Crossroads, Sunset, Moonlight, Nightscapes, Dreams, Chronicles and Footprints, I managed to salvage a few pages but the rest are now lost in dark recesses of my shadowy mind.

I ain't seen you, in a month of Sundays
I never knew exactly what it was I wanted
Once in a blue moon, you'd keep a promise
When it's you I don't mind such a long wait

I haven't written a poem in a long time. Maybe it's just the lack of inspiration, (where does one get them anyway?) or the lack of time (I certainly have lots now), or the lack of motivation. I don't know, I miss the Endless. I miss Bones From The Graveyard, I miss the NSP Poetry List, I miss a lot of irrecoverable things.

Someday I'll find rhymes again, someday words will just fall into place and my pen will touch paper and make long winding loops and dots that will somehow make sense to someone somewhere someday. For now there is the blue moon and there is the New Year to welcome. I'm praying for things to fall into place. I'm praying for my country, which is currently beset by typhoons, fires, boat sinkings and volcanic eruption - I'm coming home to you in a few weeks, hang in there.

Day will surely come,
one day I'll be with you
The day will surely come,
we will make it all come true

Soundtrack: "Once in a Blue Moon" by Lighthouse Family

Last Sunday of the year, and then four more Sundays to go before I leave on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. Yeah I hate to go.. and yes I just mutilated a song.

This afternoon I stood before the altar and waited to get prayers, I'm lost and I need direction. This past few months has been a battle between what I want to do and where I want to be versus what I should be doing and where I should be staying. As I sat on one of the pews, I felt really sad, like a part of me has died, it almost felt like this is the end of the road for me and I will never come back here. I feel I have lost everything I strove for and I couldn't help but just stare in space and blink back tears.

I felt this year has been all about me moving at blinding speed on a collision course heading straight towards God. And now I'm a wreck, but I can't go back to how it was, I can't go back to how I was. I don't know why but just when I'm starting to get comfortable in a place or with people, I'm suddenly propelled away to the other direction. I just wanted to sink into the soil and grow roots, I just wanted a place to call home, but I guess my sixth grade poem was right, this world is not my home. And wherever God leads me, that's where I'll be, and that's where I'll thrive..

I'm just tired of all the packing, moving, goodbye-ing, I'm stuck between the longing and the letting go..

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! =)

Anyway, enough of the melodrama already, we must enter the new year with big smiles, big hopes, big dreams and lots of prayers. So now I'm gonna turn off the sprinklers and turn up the fun stuff. On other news, I just bought a song from iTunes, I'm trying to build my Holiday playlist, and so far here's what I have:

1. You're Here by Francesca Battistelli
2. Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant
3. Born in Bethlehem by Third Day
4. I Need A Silent Night by Amy Grant
5. Wonderful Christmastime by Jars of Clay
6. Love Has Come by Amy Grant
7. Emmanuel by Amy Grant

On still other news, I'm also doing some writing for $$$, reminds me of that song from Barbie's Cradle: "Money For Food". Here's my revised lyrics:

"And maybe writing is a luxury
And when you can't afford it someday
It's possible you'll starve
If you will write all you like...
'cause people still need money for food.

So if you happen to see me on the street
Would you please give me coins and a drink
Cause people still need people
Who have money to give
Money for food"

i still think the best part of watching tv is the commercial, and the best thing about the commercial is the song, what can i say, i'm a soundtrack junkie =) here are some of the new tracks i've added to my ipod that are inspired by tv ads, they go under my adtunes playlist

7. on the bus by hello gumption (nestle drumstick)
8. wash away by joe purdy (dawn)
9. all you need is love by grayson matthews (blackberry)
10. fly me away by annie little (amazon kindle)

Your Love Never Fails
by Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

i've always had problems with letting go. it takes a while for me to turn the switch off and move on. when i know something is about to end, i tend to condition my mind, far in advance, a defense mechanism - i say my goodbyes early - that way when the time comes, i am almost ready to step outside the box, unscathed. but really, how does one escape a meteor crashing straight towards you? i don't know, i lack the wisdom to know such things. and so i do what i do best, i run away.

in a few hours from now i will be like that song - leaving on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again. funny, there are no words to describe great emotions, i can only quote cheesy lyrics that don't quite fit. sometimes you have to go away and step back in order to miss something or appreciate something more. i fear change, i fear moving out of my comfort zone, i fear my security blanket is being yanked away from me. and i don't know how to live with that. if only the world will stop spinning for a while and let me stay in this moment longer...

Stop The World
Matthew West

The TV is talking
The telephone’s ringing
The lights are all on
And the radio’s screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You
I’m tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees
And breaks my defenses
It’s wearing me down and I’m desperate to hear from You

Stop the world I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth
And I need time, precious time

Stop the world I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me
Stop the world I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

gave up snowboarding today because i needed to finish this stupid document. i've been staring blankly at the screen for 7 hours now and nothing is coming to my head, no light bulb, no epiphany, no revelation, no clarity, no wisdom. the fog has turned to blue skies then back to fog again, and i've ran up and down 14 stories to no avail. i need to find the will and inspiration to do this, maybe i'm driven by deadlines, maybe this is not my passion, maybe i was not meant to do this, maybe i don't belong here, maybe i'm just a good for nothing slacker pretending to be a software engineer, when in fact i would do the whole i.t. community a favor if i retire and grow root crops in some mountain province, who knows? maybe i just don't care, i mean really, what's the worst that can happen if i don't do this? just get fired, it's not like it's a matter of life and death, it's just a job. i've been working for the past 10 years, i need a break, just bum around and wait for manna to fall from the sky or something.

someone i know is going to tokyo next week to present results on cancer research, i was invited to go and do some math work for the paper but that's not really very possible right now with my current visa status. would be cool working with a bunch of doctors and mathematicians, analyzing data on the effects of intermittent androgen suprression after radiation theraphy for advanced cancer. but as it is, i am here, grounded, stuck, putting logic in excel sheets and inventing class diagrams. how did i get here?

need to focus now and finish this, don't want to waste another weekend chained to this laptop screen.

Speak of the Devil
Sum 41

Trying to find a way
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one,
One thing to believe in

I've seen many a face
From young, and too old
I've stolen their faith, and I have broken their souls
Was here before Christ, had forgave you your sins
And paid your price, and sealed your fate within
Days have come to an end
Today's the day that we meet again
The self inflicted inebriation, guilt never lies

I've been waiting for the chance to reunite this sick romance
Poison never hurt so good
So nice of you to speak of me
Your closest friend and enemy
An only savior of masochists
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It's the last days of our life
The faith of men

Time, it's been so long
And now there's nothing to say
I'm trying so hard to find the words to say
I'm tired of being, now I'm something I'm not
I can't believe, and I never thought
Days would come to an end
Well maybe someday we'll meet again
If ever that day never comes
It would be too soon

I've been waiting for the chance to nullify this sick romance
Pull the cord to detonate
So sick of you don't speak of me
No represent of misery
An only savior of masochists
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It's the last days of our life
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the gray
It's the last days of our life
The faith of men

Trying find a way,
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in

the magnitude of people's selfishness often disappoint me. i'm glad there is God, my family, friends, and music that i could turn to, to appease my soul. otherwise i really will go crazy trying to deal with all these things..

the real world is messed up, but tomorrow is another day, and so i carry on.

Maybe You're Right
Barenaked Ladies

It was often talked about
It was often raised
But nothing was ever done about it
To hear the way they talked about it
Noone could be saved
But nothing was ever done about it

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

It was oversimplified
It was underthought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Everything was fortified by
All the lies we bought
And nothing was ever done to stop it

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

There was a time
When a crime was a crime
Now I think I'm losing my mind
Or taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard

Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?
All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
But I don't think so

thanks to unending falling snow, i'm trapped in my bunk for the weekend and thanks to tv reruns, i now know the name of the random tv show i was watching last time - "the city" - must admit, the series is not really that interesting but the soundtrack is striking, as usual i'm more captivated by music rather than plot, found that other song that was playing in one of the scene.

just finished shoveling slush from the front and back porch steps so i could actually go out in the morning, but it started snowing again so i guess i should just let it be and snowboard my way to the office tomorrow ^_^

here's the view from my bedroom window - the building with the triangle on top is where i work, so near and yet so far when you look at the mountain of snow that i have to walk on =)

Prelude To A Kiss
by Alicia Keys

Sometimes I feel
like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take
so long for me to get to somewhere

Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted
but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel,
and a heavy load to bear.

And it's a long, long way to heaven
but I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel to guide me.

never really got a chance to watch dying young back in 1991, i was probably not into sitting still for two or so hours at that age (not that i am any different now). i get easily bored when i have to focus on doing just one thing at a particular moment. anyway, was listening to kenny g.'s holiday album last week when i came across the soundtrack for this movie, now i'm interested to check it out and see for myself what the hype is all about. talk about delayed reaction. =)

nablopomo's theme for this month is change, very interesting, what a way to start the new year - write about change everyday; i just might join except i'm done with writing. there is nothing more to write about, i've used up all my words, i've reached the dead end road. i'm tired. i don't know why. i just feel so drained of energy these days. something is keeping my head heavy, who cares, it doesn't matter, maybe i'll just stick with pictures, and see if they're really worth a thousand words..

caught this song while flipping through channels on tv last night:

"Borrowed Time"
A Fine Frenzy

Thick as thieves the last of leaves
In the winter sun
Holding fast this freezing branch
Is home to us

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it's life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

Counting stars and passing cars
On the interstate
The end is near I feel it dear,
But I am not afraid

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it's life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

But you say you're getting tired
You're tired and so am I
When you follow from behind

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it's life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

But you say you're getting tired
You're tired and so am I
When you follow from behind

The Middle
by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

learned a lot of life lessons this year. this could be one of the most interesting year in my career as a human being. it's bad to care a lot and be taken for granted, it's terrible to work too much and feel so little. but it's worst to see the wheel grinding slowly towards you and still be stuck in the middle of everything, unable to step away and be saved.

i pray every day for God to give me strength and hope and patience to not be disappointed by the realities of life. yet i still lack this wisdom to know the difference between things i should have the serenity to accept and those i should have the courage to change. still a work in progress, but i am just so tired and disillusioned by everything else around me.

the holidays are around the corner, but it doesn't really feel like it when i look at my outlook calendar. i want to get out of this place and be somewhere sunny with good people who say what they mean and mean what they say. once you see through the matrix of lies and manipulation, it's hard to stay the same carefree person i was before i got tangled up in this mess.

these days i just close my eyes and wish myself away on a plane landing at my city, and being surrounded by people who truly care, or better yet i just want to never open my eyes again to this world of deceit and corruption, i pray every night that my journey in this life ends soon, i have seen enough.

Smile
by Chris Rice

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now

You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

today turned out to be a beautiful sunny day. with fluffy white clouds floating against a backdrop of blue skies. i spent the night at my cube trying to rescue myself out of this state of mental fatigue, where everything just stops and i cant move forward. couldn't really go home to face my half filled box alone, so i might as well string words into technical documents, that could be an effective desensitizing tool, except i was like a caterpillar moving two steps back for every step forward. nothing made sense, could be the sugar making me restless and destroying my focus, could be anything or nothing, who knows.

got home at around 8am and slept for three hours, now i'm just sitting, staring at the window, reading and listening to songs, waiting for my heart to calm down, i think i'm gonna have a coronary haha. it's the sunny days i fear the most, they kill words, because beauty is its own excuse for being. i should go out soon and be with people who keeps me grounded.

deep breathing, recite the alphabet backwards. i just need to be hugged until the world stops spinning. this song helps somehow.

Love is the Answer
by: Raymond Hannisian

Morning comes and I must go; day is breaking yonder.
After all the places I have been, now I'm going home.
I have been to seek the sky, to travel on the highway
And the time has come, I don't know why
I am going home.

Where is the answer to so many questions
I don't know, so I begin another journey
Where is the meaning for my world
I see the answer now.

Though we came by diff'rent roads, now we walk together.
Stay beside me all our days, strangers never more.
Through the cool of summer rains, by the hearthside fire
Here I'll be with you when nothing remains
I am home to stay.

For love is the answer to so many questions
Now I know, and I can stop my endless wand'ring
Love gives the meaning to my world
I see the answer now.

Love gives meaning to my world
And I see the answer now

Love is the Answer… Love!

so apparently cookies are very complicated things, i've learned a lot about them in the past 3 days. here's some invaluable knowledge that i am bound by duty to share: don't eat them raw, don't eat them burnt, never microwave them using the oven baking instructions as guide, the best way to bake them is to ask someone to do it for you, and finally, they're addictive and allergenic.

now that i'm sugar high, finger swollen, running across the hallways in my windwall jacket, racking my brain for words to put on my use cases, as none of this really long mispunctuated sentence is making sense;

i can't seem to get this song out of my system at four in the morning:

"Upside Down"
by Jack Johnson

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

i'm hug deficient. i should join this campaign.


All The Same
by Sick Puppies

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same