if

on an autumn day

I get lost between the fallen leaves

longing

longing for the morning

before I retrace my steps

down that path 

where you showed me secrets

of flowers that never fade

of three suns that never set

and

the beating hearts

that never stop

nor bleed, nor break

but I hope I will find you

still waiting

because I 

may have lost myself in you

and you knew it all along

yes you knew

but you

just held me

then led me

and I found myself in you

2013.11.03.10.53.am.pst

hello, it's you again,
knocking on my door like an old friend,
I see you're still stringing words
trying to beat me in that fleeting rhyme game

hi there, it's me once more
playing hide and seek with the rain
I hold your hand as if we never parted
rewriting lines I've long since forgotten

adieu, it's time to leave
before the rains flood the door of my memory,
the words may rhyme and find new meanings
as your hands trace my lines 'til the morning

but for now,
the sky is dark,
and the night is long,
so let's go back to dreaming

2013.10.23.2.24.pm.pst

With a pack on my back and a bag to lug around,
I walk in between the drops of Vancouver rain
Escaping a city that’s passing me by
Like a seasoned wanderer that leaves without care

Will tomorrow find me with quarters and loonies?
Or another couch to surf and fall asleep on?
Will the answers lead me to yet more questions?
Or will I finally leave this life without a home?

I trace the lines on my face and wonder
If my dreams lie across the bridge made of gold
There’s no way to know unless I start walking,
So perhaps I should dream no more.

With a pack on my back and a bag to lug around,
I fly towards the skies of San Francisco

2013.09.27.05.50.pm.pst

in the buses here, the gazes never meet
like time-bound travellers rushing from one destination to the next,
there is no time to say "hi, how do you do?" or "what a lovely morning, it looks like it won't rain"
just a quick "thank you, driver" before we get off and leave again

as people are trapped in their own devices, with music that matches the soundtrack of their lives
the ride goes on from suburb to slums to downtown to park,
and shuttles us from house to work to leisure then back to places we call home for now,

I find myself back here again,
in the middle of everything and nothing all at once
Everything goes in circle
Even bus 19

2013.08.08.2013.5.03.p.m.pst.

I wrote this piece back in the first semester of 1999 while sitting in at a class of Abstract Algebra, this was in response to the poem in Kahlil Gibran's "The Madman", which I was reading while the professor was discussing ring homomorphisms - talk about multitasking!

I finished writing it in less than an hour, faster than I could prove isomorphic functions. If I had pursued creative writing, I'm sure I would have been pondering on the origins of natural numbers while the professor rambles on about metaphors.

I guess it just shows that we are more than the things we study, more than degrees and titles we add to our names, more than labels and boxes we try hard to fit ourselves into.

We are infinite possibilities waiting to happen, and we can do more as long as we put our heart and mind into it.

my friend, I dream too much of the past,
too much that I've lost myself in it,
unable to wake and live once more.

the "I" in me my friend
would like to leave the house of silence,
for it has been there for too long,
I would not like to be chained forever

when you called me and I did not answer,
my mind was flying over the hills and high mountains,
I was finding myself
I was hoping you'd find me

my friend, you do not understand my wandering thoughts,
but I'd like you to understand,
I cannot fly alone

when I look at the sunset,
you impatiently wait for the break of dawn,
yet even then we bask under the radiance of the same moon,
how I would like you to see my sunset,
as I would love to welcome your dawn

when you swim for the shore, my friend,
I let the waves crush me to the rocks,
for death is the only way I know I could be free.
I wish I knew how to swim
I wish you could teach me

you say I love truth and beauty and righteousness,
yet you do not see how I burn,
how I wish you would see,
but you do not want to,
so I let you believe

my friend, I am not good and wise, no I am not perfect
I would like to shout and be mad for once,
but my walls are too high,
no one will hear me

my friend, you tell me I am not your friend,
help me to understand,
can we not walk together?
I'll let you lead the way,
let me take your hand

does it blink? does it shine?

does it help me make a rhyme?

will it cut? will I bleed?

will it tell me when it's time?

all these tiny useless things 

they keep me away from You

this silver and this gold

they hide from me what's true

2013.06.23.4.41.p.m.

there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls, tonight is one of them as I sit on the roof counting the stars..

when we disappear,
we disappear too quickly

and not even the rain
remembers our passing

when we disappear,
we disappear completely

i step one side
life esteemed
outside ourselves
we lead our feelings,
rough, rough is the darkness
that i feel
when we feel not ourselves,
come I'll show you heaven,
heaven where angels sing
and people die
where lovers say goodbye
where pain is essential to life
where leaders have to lie,
welcome dear one to forever
welcome to good night
forgotten, forgotten
gone...

two nights ago i was talking to my friend about some ghosts from the past that used to haunt me, and so i took out some dusty chests of memories at the farthest corner of my mind and tried to break the latch. it creeked eerily and finally opened, then i found this piece about forgiveness..

"You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?'

i've come a long way from that poem, i used to be the one saying those lines, now the tables have turned.. such is the circle of life.

Argh! How could I forget a friend's birthday? Probably old age hehe =) or I can blame it on the liquor, research says they kill your brain cells, and God knows how much of that potent stuff I've consumed this month.

Here's something I wrote to commemmorate my forgetfulness:

you were forgotten
for a day i lost your name
among the shallow torments
of my wandering mind

it must have been fate
who opted to shroud you
in some distant corner
obscured from my sight

today chance reminded me
of what i've overlooked
i unveiled my transgression
yesterday is always too late

08.30.2006.5:43.p.m.

how do we measure the distance between raindrops?
how do we draw a line between love and pain?
how do we go one road and then travel another?
how do we cry our hearts out, then smile again?

how do we find what we've once lost?
how do we forget what we shouldn't remember?
how do we see blue skies when the clouds are grey?
how do we say yes when we have to say never?

how do we make an apt end to what we've started?
how do we deny to the world what we really feel?
how do we know when to give up and say it's over?
how do we decide what is and isn't real?

08.28.2006.5.56.p.m.

this is in memory of all the people who lost and risked their lives last saturday morning for a chance of "winning" a better life from a local game show. Read more here

they risked their souls
for a few pieces of silver,
and dreams wrapped in paper.
they thought it was free,
a chance in a million,
like aiming for the moon.
but they paid in full,
in blood and broken bones
waking up in a world
bleaker than the night before.
their lives lay stranded
on littered concrete floors.

02.06.2006.4.09.p.m.

we laugh indoors
and they never understand
the jests that echo through the walls
sliding down window panes
running wet on carpet floors

we laugh indoors
but nobody ever hears

we walk outside and weep
then everybody stops to listen

ndg.01.31.2006.1.52.p.m.

mental block 

 

dutifully the night hides your ghost 

behind a bed of wistful stars 

i gaze and find no traces of your blood 

as if you never existed 

beyond the madness of my closed eyes 

it's a conspiracy, i know, 

between you and the seven skies 

this hide and seek and tale tell lies 

i let them wade unnoticed 

despite these gray stains on my hand 

i thought i was done breaking you 

on a new poem's coarse lines 

but still you stalk me, a willing prey 

wanting none of these vague words 

trying hard to make a rhyme 

trying hard to make me rhyme.

ndg.12.20.2005.7.37.p.m. 

visit epic verses

i dont know how you do it
with such elegant charm
how you fade away ever so swiftly
and come back again as if you were never gone

it's like a magic trick
a disappearing act
one blink, and you're here
another blink, then there's none

you leave me awestruck,
confused, conflicted
you leave me wondering
wandering,

you

leave

me

teach me how to do that
just like the way you do
close the lights,
curtains down

watch me walk away too.

11.30.2005.5.38.p.m.

this is a pathetic attempt for a triolet. i should have created two different rhyme schemes but the rest is still stuck inside me. i'll do better next time.
there are dragonflies across that hill
  each of them finding a way to heal
  if only i could teach them how to feel
there are dragonflies across that hill
  the wind put them there against their will
  they dont make a sound but their pains are real
there are dragonflies across that hill
  each of them finding a way to heal

08.12.2005.1.51.p.m.

i've been trying to write a decent triolet last night before i went to bed. it was awful. im now more than ready to admit that my poetic license has been revoked. still, i'll be posting some stuff tomorrow, just to fill up the empty spaces.

This is from the great Thomas Hardy:

How great my grief, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee!
- Have the slow years not brought to view
How great my grief, my joys how few,
Nor memory shaped old times anew,
Nor loving-kindness helped to show thee
How great my grief, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee?.

i miss the poetry challenges at our old mailing list.. this is why i'm not so keen in writing anymore.. how ironic, when you have all the free time in the world, you sometimes don't want to do anything at all.

once upon a time i used to work at the 39th floor of a tall building along paseo de roxas. it was a structured place of security cards and coat and ties. i sat in a room with big windows looking out across ayala avenue. it was my dream workplace.

when i was young i told my mom that someday i would work in one of the tallest buildings in makati, it doesn't matter if i was only a window washer or a satellite cleaner, as long as i could stand up there and look at the rest of the city like little toys in my kuya's lego collection.
my wish came true last year. i was happy for a while. but i doubt if we human beings were really meant to be happy and contented with the little dreams we used to strive for back when we were kids. maybe we are designed to be a little bit discontented with everything. discontentment after all is the forerunner of innovation. yada yada!

anyway, i left my dream three months ago. and not once did i look back. up to now people from up there are calling me to go back, to give it another chance, to make things work. but i don't want to make ends meet anymore. i have to concede, being a window washer is lots of fun, i enjoyed the view, it was good while it lasted. but maybe i'm just not meant to be in high places. perhaps for once, i should put both my feet on the ground.. and stay there.

this rhyme is for the silver bench that still sits on that building's lobby, waiting for more guests to share their stories.

"this silver bench, a solemn thing
of empty promises and broken wings
of tears we cry and joys we sing
and mournful sighs that heart break brings"
04.08.2004.7:03.p.m.

i am the loneliness falling on side streets
the one you pick up on long walks home
i keep you company and walk with you
when noone else will or wanted to

i hold your hand and let your tired soul
rest itself by my equally lonesome side
as we find comfort from the dying sun
and wait for the restless shining stars

i am the loneliness falling on soiled sheets
the one you tuck away under your bed
i dry your tears every single night and day
and hum sweet lullabyes while you sleep

i am the loneliness who lets you go
out into the vast cruel world alone
to meet that other lonely soul waiting
for you to make them whole once more

ndg.03.11.2005.10.49.a.m.