today turned out to be a beautiful sunny day. with fluffy white clouds floating against a backdrop of blue skies. i spent the night at my cube trying to rescue myself out of this state of mental fatigue, where everything just stops and i cant move forward. couldn't really go home to face my half filled box alone, so i might as well string words into technical documents, that could be an effective desensitizing tool, except i was like a caterpillar moving two steps back for every step forward. nothing made sense, could be the sugar making me restless and destroying my focus, could be anything or nothing, who knows.

got home at around 8am and slept for three hours, now i'm just sitting, staring at the window, reading and listening to songs, waiting for my heart to calm down, i think i'm gonna have a coronary haha. it's the sunny days i fear the most, they kill words, because beauty is its own excuse for being. i should go out soon and be with people who keeps me grounded.

deep breathing, recite the alphabet backwards. i just need to be hugged until the world stops spinning. this song helps somehow.

Love is the Answer
by: Raymond Hannisian

Morning comes and I must go; day is breaking yonder.
After all the places I have been, now I'm going home.
I have been to seek the sky, to travel on the highway
And the time has come, I don't know why
I am going home.

Where is the answer to so many questions
I don't know, so I begin another journey
Where is the meaning for my world
I see the answer now.

Though we came by diff'rent roads, now we walk together.
Stay beside me all our days, strangers never more.
Through the cool of summer rains, by the hearthside fire
Here I'll be with you when nothing remains
I am home to stay.

For love is the answer to so many questions
Now I know, and I can stop my endless wand'ring
Love gives the meaning to my world
I see the answer now.

Love gives meaning to my world
And I see the answer now

Love is the Answer… Love!

so apparently cookies are very complicated things, i've learned a lot about them in the past 3 days. here's some invaluable knowledge that i am bound by duty to share: don't eat them raw, don't eat them burnt, never microwave them using the oven baking instructions as guide, the best way to bake them is to ask someone to do it for you, and finally, they're addictive and allergenic.

now that i'm sugar high, finger swollen, running across the hallways in my windwall jacket, racking my brain for words to put on my use cases, as none of this really long mispunctuated sentence is making sense;

i can't seem to get this song out of my system at four in the morning:

"Upside Down"
by Jack Johnson

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

it doesn't really take much persuasion for me to hop on a plane and skip town for nothing or anything at all. a tap on my shoulder and i will be all set in 5 minutes. that's how much i prefer to be on the road rather than sitting still inside the same four walls. and so i called my batchmate from university slash ex workmate slash ex roommate slash family friend whom i haven't seen for two years and asked if i could crash at her place, she now lives in brampton with her husband and is expecting a baby. well, if last year was the year of getting hitched for most of my friends, this year seems to be the year for procreating.

and so last tuesday found me on a plane to pearson, leaving raincouver for a glimpse of clear blue skies or hopefully even snow, anything other than grey gloomy rain is good enough for me. i like toronto's unpredictable weather where it's sunny in the morning, then rains at noon and snows at night - i prefer any kind of variation even weather disturbances compared to the constant monotonous downpour. i showed up at our scarborough office and saw the people i used to work with last year. i like consilium better than the boot, running across the buidings to get to the next face to face meeting beats staring at my monitor for netmeeting and bridge telecons where people pretend to be on mute when they're not really listening, swiping cards on the elevators to go to the right floor, junk food on the vending machines, giant flat screen tv's and sprawling couches, walking across the street to get food at the town center, it just feels more alive to be there, i dont know, maybe its just me.

when one is short on the family card, one stacks up on friends. however being socially inept, i only have maybe five friends who are like family to me, they are the ones who know what goes on behind my eyes and what i've gone through, they have sort of "adopted" me into their lives, and will most probably pick me up from the emergency room if i ever wander there, i could always rely on them to not lead me astray. and even as we grow older and move on to building our lives apart from each other, i know i can always count on these friends to let me crash in their couch when i'm homeless, or hold my hand and hug me and pick me up from the abyss when i fall off my ladder. they are the ones who dont need or expect anything from me, who accepts me as i am and dont try to change me. well actually they try to mold me into someone "better", whatever better means, but they still tolerate me even if i dont. they never force me to conform to their truths, they know what's good for me and they take care of me. we can choose friends but not family, and so i choose my friends well and make them family. unfortunately, these friends are now scattered all over the world and it takes at least a 5 hour plane ride to get to the nearest one.

on this trip, i got back in touch with the reality that life is not equal to work and that the truth is out there outside clearcase builds and shakedowns. i was updated with what's happening outside provisioning and got reacquainted with food and sleep - those things being social events for me, i actually think i gained 20 pounds in 7 days. i remembered that when i am asked "how's life?", i can't just get away with "life's good", i actually need to bore into the details, coz my friend really wants to squueze me dry and know everything. i re-learned that people really care and are not just being polite when they ask "how are you?", that it's not just a conversation starter before they move on to more interesting things like element adapters and web services.

i was reminded that i can always count on friends to make me feel better about myself when i dont have my family beside me to tell me that i matter. and that they will always be ready to listen to me when i need a sounding board. its so easy to go to the dark side when one is alone and surrounded by gray things. my mom would say i should pray when things bother me, but i still need physical manifestations - people to be exact, to be there for me. now if only i had that here in raincouver then maybe life will be more bearable until i come back home again.

today, back in this gray town, my restless heart and wandering soul has taught me one truth, every place, every landscape, they are all meaningless, after sailing the seas, climbing the mountains, and exploring all the nooks, what's the next frontier? it's the people attached to each city that makes it special. and someday i will find a place where i can sit down and be content.

no, i haven't tried playing this game yet but i saw a real live guitar hero at a friend's place in downtown. he's visiting from japan and he really knows his music well. we had barbecue and send off dinner for him while he played his original compositions.

i miss my guitar.

in an effort to replenish my endorphins, went to the gym yesterday to visit my ex best friend last winter - the elliptical machine. the office has a magnet that doesn't fail to reel me in, so i went up to my cube to declutter my table. on the way to the warer station, i couldn't help but notice other people's desks. each one is unique and has something significant that tells about the personality of the one occupying it. some had toys, pictures, papers, some were dirty, too organized, accumulating dust - all of them characteristic of their inhabitant, mirrors of their soul.

when i went back to my seat, i tried to read myself, like a game of poker. but i couldn't really tell much. on my corkboard, there's a print out of release dates, and right below it the serenity prayer. on my shelves are snow globes from places i've visited since i came here last year. below my monitor are souvenirs from places that my friends explored. i have two 500 ml bottles of water, some documents neatly stacked, a mirror that shows me if the window behind me offers sunny skies or gloomy rain, empty boxes of "toys", a miniature chess set, company critters, and that's it - all of them are random things that's supposed to keep me grounded and help me focus.

FOCUS!