2017 was a year of loss for me, but since life always struggles to seek a balance, as the brown leaves fell, green ones grew back to take their place, and somehow that has eased the solace. I'm not saying the new ones completely replaced the old but they took up their own space in my heart and found ways to comfort me.

The passing of each year never fails to put me in a retrospective mood, it reminds me how ephemeral the world is, and everything else in it. It makes me question my reality, the things I've accomplished and those I've failed to do.. sort of a performance review. Did I do well? Did I learn enough? Did I give enough? Did I love enough? I don't really know how I fared but since I'm a work in progress until my last breath, I will just rise back up and strive to be better with every step and stumble I make..

Today, while looking at my old blog, trying to recall when I last wrote a poem, I realized Photobucket has disabled all my images, I won't be able to see them again unless I shell out some $$ to allow third party website referencing, what a drag, 14 years worth of memories now in hostage on their servers. I can't even view them when I'm logged on to their site, I can only see the thumbnails and when I click on it, they show me that default logo that says I need to pay up to view my own photos. So of course I did what I had to do - go back to each of my post and remove the links to those snapshots so I won't see that annoying gray box.

As I was reading the words written by the naive, brighter eyed me, I can't help but shake my head and mutter, "you know nothing, young padawan", and indeed I still know less than nothing until now. I doubt if I will ever grasp enough knowledge in this lifetime to make me tell myself that I did good despite of and in spite of everything else around me. But one thing is for certain, I won't give up.. or I'll try not to.


2017.12.21.10.27.a.m.p.s.t.

Dear Lola,

It’s been a long glorious life, 104 years and 28 days to be exact, but now it’s time to rest..

Thank you for raising me up, for teaching me to walk and talk and count and throw milk bottles when they’re empty. (although I’m pretty sure I learned that last one on my own)

I used to call you Nanay when I was growing up in Taguilos and I remember you chasing me from the river to our house because I was out playing with the other kids and you said I didn’t ask for permission (but I did! you were just sleeping when I told you I was going out, and you mumbled a yes with your eyes closed, so I guess that doesn’t count).

Remember that time when the passenger boat we were on suddenly sank on the way to Manila and you were holding me up with one hand and a pair of chickens with the other? You were laughing then even if you didn’t know how to swim and you told me to just hold on to the katig so we’d make it home.. (maybe it’s time for me to learn how to swim.. so I can save more chickens later?)

On your first plane ride to Cebu you were so happy and you said we should ride airplanes next time we go to Romblon so that our 12 hour boat travel will be reduced to an hour. I’m sure they have planes to our island now, I’ll fly on it for you one day..

This morning I was looking at your photos to share to my friends, to tell them you’ve been recognized by DSWD as one of the centenarians in the Philippines, you had a picture with them and Tito Robert said you just started eating again after a few days of not eating much, that was just two days ago.. a few minutes after I shared your photos, Drei messaged to say that you passed away quietly in your sleep just after midnight.. everything just crashed in me in the blink of an eye..

It’s time to go home now Lola, I wish I could have been there with you, I wish I could have held your hand one last time, hugged you and kissed you good night, but that’s not very possible right now..

Goodnight Lola, you’re going to live forever in me..

ndg.2017.08.09

It's not every day that you find something that fits you perfectly, challenges you constantly, positions you in situations where you can thrive and succeed, grows with you through time, and evolves with you endlessly. So it's only natural that when you find something like that, the instinct is to cling, to hold on to it for dear life, to never let it go..

However, sometimes, an event bigger than we initially expected will force us to release our hold on this something that we thought would last for always.. and slowly we must gather all the learnings, cherish all the moments, be thankful for the opportunities and appreciate it for what it has helped us to become, before we finally move on to take on other things..

Working with this team for the past 6 years gave me the chance to meet a lot of brilliant minds and take on many different responsibilities, it has stretched me and helped shape me to become the person I am today. If things were different, I would stay and grow old with it, this is the company I've been with the longest, and it was a difficult decision to leave.

But things are not different, and I have to choose one  over the other because I couldn't do both - belong to an organization I value and pursue my personal dream at the same time. Maybe someday when I have achieved my goal, I will come back here if the doors are still open for me.

For now, I just want to thank everyone for making this journey a defining one. I would like to create more memories with you and more contributions to this corporation next time.

So no goodbyes, just hellos, and see you all someday soon..

2017.01.27.10.27.p.m.p.s.t.