inspiring the uninspired

gave up snowboarding today because i needed to finish this stupid document. i've been staring blankly at the screen for 7 hours now and nothing is coming to my head, no light bulb, no epiphany, no revelation, no clarity, no wisdom. the fog has turned to blue skies then back to fog again, and i've ran up and down 14 stories to no avail. i need to find the will and inspiration to do this, maybe i'm driven by deadlines, maybe this is not my passion, maybe i was not meant to do this, maybe i don't belong here, maybe i'm just a good for nothing slacker pretending to be a software engineer, when in fact i would do the whole i.t. community a favor if i retire and grow root crops in some mountain province, who knows? maybe i just don't care, i mean really, what's the worst that can happen if i don't do this? just get fired, it's not like it's a matter of life and death, it's just a job. i've been working for the past 10 years, i need a break, just bum around and wait for manna to fall from the sky or something.

someone i know is going to tokyo next week to present results on cancer research, i was invited to go and do some math work for the paper but that's not really very possible right now with my current visa status. would be cool working with a bunch of doctors and mathematicians, analyzing data on the effects of intermittent androgen suprression after radiation theraphy for advanced cancer. but as it is, i am here, grounded, stuck, putting logic in excel sheets and inventing class diagrams. how did i get here?

need to focus now and finish this, don't want to waste another weekend chained to this laptop screen.

Speak of the Devil
Sum 41

Trying to find a way
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one,
One thing to believe in

I've seen many a face
From young, and too old
I've stolen their faith, and I have broken their souls
Was here before Christ, had forgave you your sins
And paid your price, and sealed your fate within
Days have come to an end
Today's the day that we meet again
The self inflicted inebriation, guilt never lies

I've been waiting for the chance to reunite this sick romance
Poison never hurt so good
So nice of you to speak of me
Your closest friend and enemy
An only savior of masochists
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It's the last days of our life
The faith of men

Time, it's been so long
And now there's nothing to say
I'm trying so hard to find the words to say
I'm tired of being, now I'm something I'm not
I can't believe, and I never thought
Days would come to an end
Well maybe someday we'll meet again
If ever that day never comes
It would be too soon

I've been waiting for the chance to nullify this sick romance
Pull the cord to detonate
So sick of you don't speak of me
No represent of misery
An only savior of masochists
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It's the last days of our life
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the gray
It's the last days of our life
The faith of men

Trying find a way,
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in