in the darkness
my dreams are liquid fire
setting to flames all that dare cross my path

in the darkness
my loneliness and i are one
letting the tears fall freely from my eyes

in the darkness
i remain
eternally waiting

for sunrise.

10.19.2004.2.07.p.m.

late nights always find me looking for stars while lying on one of the hammocks beside the swimming pool at the upper penthouse. but star gazing isnt really a good hobby in this city, the sky is always covered with fog or smog or both and the only lights that i can see when i look up are airplane tail lights.

one good thing about living on the top floor of a tall building is having a good view of the city. the cars and the people on the street look like ants (that phrase reminded me of a csi episode where a manic killer termed his victims as ants waiting to be crushed, weird!)

tonight will be no different.. i will be watching people get lost in the shadows and go back to the places they call home.

i dont know what force compelled me to visit my old space at diaryland. i wasnt even thinking, my fingers just deviated from the class diagrams at rational rose to my crazy browser.. and there it was.. the past i was running away from,

reading my entries there somehow felt like looking into the life of another person so unlike me. nobody would ever know the people i was hiding behind those words. the brief love, the more brief life, i wish i could bring them all back. but the wish is not as strong as before, and the sharp stinging that used to hurt so much and bring tears to my eyes is now nothing more but a dull hollow feeling.

i dont want to be hollow any longer, i have been empty for too long. i need to be filled to the brim and overflow with emotions other than hate and bitterness. i need to love. i need to die.

"i am hollow and i will live forever" - van helsing

fade into my skin like a lullaby
break a piece of my loneliness and take my hand
you sing like one too tired to ache
you ache like one too tired to mind

and i said simmer
to the drone of my guitar
tonight the stars and all the planets will just watch by
come along, melt me with your promises

we both know we'll regret this all tomorrow
but i dont mind coz it's easier to forget
when i know there's no tomorrow waiting
for us

but tonight ill sing some songs
fumbling upon each button
watching you watching me
too tired to mind, too lost to care

yes, let me play one more tune
you and i and a couple of shots
the sky won't mind if we stayed too long
melting in each others arms

10.11.2001.09.31.p.m.

my mom wants me to go to cebu this month, but ive just been there last month. i'm beginning to really resent the place. especially since my last visit there was quite *awful*. if i decide to go, this will be my 12th plane ride this year, i should be a stock holder of pal. :p

hmmm, that reminds me of my pal miles, i'll see if i can redeem and turn them into round trip tickets for oct. 29 to nov 2.

bye, going to the ticket office now...

"Who'd have thought this is how the pieces fit
You and I shouldn't even try making sense of it
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons but I don't know what they are
Don't blame it on my heart, oh"
- julia fordham, love moves in mysterious ways

there are just some songs that you really hate listening to. they bring you back to an alternate universe where everything else is different except you, they make you believe in childish things like a pot of gold at the end of rainbows or love and forever and ever after and all that b.s. actually these songs just make you feel more bitter and resentful if you're still not over your most recent heartache or else a little more suicidal if you still haven't coped with the being alone part.

lately my gmail inbox have been overflowing with stories of zet and ria's rollercoaster ride with dr. love. and these tales almost always ends up with the heartaches and goodbyes and disappointments. is there really a way to escape this fateful trap?

i dont have answers to that, but maybe turning off the cheesy love songs and switching to something else would be one giant leap for womankind =p

there was an intensity 6 earthquake last friday night but i didnt feel it because i was at gb3 and there were too many lights and noise and people. i only learned about it when we were walking back to our condo and we saw people drinking and smoking on the sidewalks. i thought that was the trend in this part of town but when we went to the 24 hour convenience store and interviewed the shop attendant, we found out that the earthquake was really strong and they thought the building was going to collapse.

i was really planning to stay sober that night but after hearing the story, i bought some liquor at the store and joined my neighbors sitting on the sidewalk waiting for their heartbeats to calm down. i met kate and some of her friends who are renting a place at the penthouse level. kate was a college classmate and she is now into designing clothes and has a boutique here.

when finally the guards told us that it was safe to ride the elevator, we went up and had tequila shots. life is more potent when you live 22 stories higher.

moved to a new place last friday, yey! we have a good view of the city from our window, and we have a nice swimming pool, gym, jacuzzi, and sauna at the roof top =)

will be posting pictures soon, in the meantime we're busy buying things and cleaning our new place..

watched annie y los otros at the spanish film festival yesterday, its a bit of a cliffhanger. i hope i can watch other movies from the film fest, after all they're so cheap at 30php per ticket =)

ciao!