wrapping up my last few hours here in the province of snow storms and heat strokes, i feel both relieved and at a loss. though i’ve learned a lot, there’s still a bunch of unanswered questions and blind curves. it would be nice to stay and be sheltered by these hallowed glass covered walls, but we can never really grow our own roots unless we fall off the vine and find a ground to sink into and bloom; so i guess there’s really not much choice here but to let go. slowly, painfully, we must cut the tethered ropes that bind us to the ground and let those cocoon shells crumble to make way for wings. somehow we’ll find our way through the dark maze of tangled vines and finally fly.

after filling my luggage with stuff that needs to be shipped back, i discovered that there was this one thing that i can never fit into a bag, seal tight and label off as mine. i was reluctant to leave it behind knowing how difficult it is to find something worth keeping only to realize later that there’s just no space for that in your life at the moment. i wish someday i’ll find something that would come close, and hopefully i’ll have enough room for it by then.

the sky is huge here, i noticed that last night while on a cab back to the place i temporarily call home. with the sound of unintelligible radio commentary in some foreign language on the background, and beside the people i have lived with for a hundred days or so, i know for a fact that the road is long and winding and filled with unexpected twists and turns, yet still the future is friendly for those who choose to travel on..

"Why do I feel that goodbye
is the only constant thing between us?
Sometimes I think the only reason
you came into my life was to go away"

often you have to give up something or someone to make space for new additions in your life. it's not an easy task but it has to be done, and like all chores that we find alibis for in order to delay their completion, time has its way of catching up on us and collecting our debts.

tonight time stopped and knocked on my door. it was futile to resist and deny what i owe, so i decided to let go and let the waves crush me to the rocks. it hurt a lot, but i knew in my heart that it was necessary to shed your old skin to grow wings and learn to fly..

someday i will look back at this and laugh my tears away.

halfway done stuffing my clothes back into the suitcase that i brought here 16 weeks ago. somehow, it can’t fit anymore, what with all the useless purchases i’ve accumulated over the past month. packing my things makes me nostalgic. it’s like turning a new page and closing another chapter in my journey. it’s always sad leaving things behind without the certainty of ever running into them again someday nor a flicker of hope that their future would somehow include you in it. this has got to be in my top three down moments, almost as depressing as new years and birthdays.

tonight i tried my best to put everything in but there’s just no more room, it’s either i get a new bag or leave them behind and give them away to someone else who might find them useful and would take care of them the way i would. any which way, the road is long and i’m not even halfway done, i don’t have time to stop and think too much about what could have been had i not crossed the bridge to where i am now..

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

in quebec's countryside. we survived the obstacle courses atop the trees and the almost 200 meter long zip over lakes and hills. it was a fun adventure that i wouldn't mind doing again despite the cuts and bruises i got from the trip. i guess we can't really escape pain if we want to experience the exhilaration of testing our limits and breaking them.

anyway i never really felt any pain right there and then, what with all the adrenaline rushing up my brain. it was a day later when my joints all started to creak and complain. ugh, the travails of getting older..

Lately I’ve been spending too much time at the office, going home late and doing the same things over and over again. This could really take a toll on one’s mental health. I’m now almost certain that this is part of the cause of my current dementia. Well what is there to do when you don’t want to go home and see monsters hiding under the bed or blank walls painted with red stained hands - sounds like Identity, that’s how I know I’ve been watching too many slasher flicks.

All this distraction is actually a great coping mechanism - just go about my merry way and never for a moment give notice to the things which leave holes in me. Empty hollow spaces that remind me of what I don’t have, I don’t need and I don’t miss. What do you do when you have a bunch of white pebbles and all you really want is a shiny black marble? Tough luck eh?

Well, there’s still work, and so I carry on.

"..and it looks like I’m losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning,
though I’m trying hard to understand
…
And there’s a storm that’s raging
through my frozen heart tonight.."