When welcoming the New Year, It is customary to recap events or enumerate if not rank people or things that had some significant impact in our lives for that passing year. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, that's all relative, as long as it affected or changed us, then it should be recognized. So to honor this tradition, here's my best of 2008:

- trips: San Francisco, Hawaii, Oregon Coast, Seattle, LA, San Diego, Vancouver mainland / islands, and Toronto; not nearly as many as last year and mostly cities I've already gone to, I was running out of new places to visit that don't require a visa, (I need a blue passport ;p )

- firsts: Despite my being ancient, I still have lots to discover on this earth. Here's a list of new things I tried:
* sailing, driving a powerboat, sleeping in a boat on a freezing night, snorkeling, kayaking, camping, doing the grouse grind, hiking the chief, staying at hostels, hitching rides, talking to random people, exploring lava tubes, watching a volcano spew magma up close, cycling along the seawall, cycling across the golden gate, running to catch ferries, missing plane flights, having turkey dinner, watching live hockey game, shoveling snow, pumping gas, sleeping over at other people's house, attending parties with people I don't really know, staying away from allergens and alcohol, actually taking my meds and finishing a bottle, and allowing myself to be friends with people outside my bubble

- misses: Knowing I have issues with failure, this year has been particularly difficult for me because of some heartbreaking mishaps:
* being kicked out of the house because I leave early / come home late to / from work all the time, camping at the office since I have no other place to go, dealing with the rollback of the same project which robbed me of my time and caused my living arrangement to deteriorate, coming to terms with the fact that everybody is replaceable and can be fired or sent home without notice no matter how much they know or gave up, feeling like a pawn in a chess game - so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, becoming a burden by sleeping over at other people's couches while looking for new place to rent, coping with disappointment of a post release breakdown, missing family and not being able to go home to people who truly care for me, dealing with fake people and playing their games while trying to keep my soul intact, understanding that some people never say what they mean nor mean what they say and doing my best not to be like them, and finally accepting that I am nothing, a nobody, a tiny flame who can't even cast a proper shadow.

- lessons: Experiences happen to teach us something, so I distill these events and ferment them with time, until they no longer hurt, that way I can finally see them for what they truly are, and appreciate what they taught me.
* living alone in a faraway country without family or friends is tough, last year was bearable because I had relatives and workmates with whom I can relate to, I never felt misplaced, or homesick, but after losing them and having to face all these disappointments, I learned valuable lessons on humility, patience, understanding and acceptance.

I went through a phase of depression right after coming back in August, I was homeless, a failure at work, stripped of my friends, and without anybody to turn to but God. I prayed for an Angel to guide me because I couldn't do it on my own, but it's not reslly my nature to ask for or accept help, so I kept sinking into the black hole.

Outside I was this strong, self sufficient, in control, calm, cool, and collected person, a complete structure on it's own that didn't need anything else in this world, but each night I was breaking down till it just became too much to bear. I missed being hugged and crying on someone's shoulder, I missed being told that everything will be alright and tomorrow will be better. I never felt more miserable in my entire existence on this planet.

"after great pain, a formal feeling comes; the way freezing persons recollect the snow, first the pain, then the stupor, then the letting go"

So I decided to let go, let the waves crush me to the rocks and stop fighting the tides, I started putting everything in place, making sure the world will turn uninterrupted for people I will leave behind in case my time here is done. I have always lived each day as if it were my last, but now I have this urgency to share everything I know and give everything I have, leaving only the minimum to myself. I keep saying I'm done with all this pain, I'm ready to give up.

- resolution: I'm not a person who makes these, instead I have goals or some sort of general direction where I see myself in the next 365 days. But as it is, I don't really plan stuff, I just flip coins. Unfortunately I gave up my coin some months ago, so now I have nothing, I'm just waiting to be led..

With this coming year, I feel the winds of change are blowing once more, I will keep all these lessons like seashells from some sandy shore and put them all on my shelf of recollection. I am embracing the unknown and letting the rain shape me and mold me to become someone better, or crush me into pieces until I return to the dust where I came from. I don't really care anymore. Such is life.

The Middle
by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

Vancouver weather forecast was snowstorm over the holidays so I knew I had to fly to some warm city or else I'll freeze to death in my apartment while my last memory would be of annoying barking dog in the background. So where's the nearest warm city at this time of the year? San Diego!

Dec 24: arrived at 8pm and practiced aimless wandering at downtown SD. Nothing much to see on a rainy night but strolled along Embacadero and got a glimpse of the bay bridge to Coronado. Watched random strangers as they hurried off to places they needed to be. For a moment I was reminded of things and people I missed like home, family, and friends, but I had to brush the feeling away, or else I would just fall into the black hole. Playing at TGI Friday's while I was passing by: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Dec 25: after surviving Christmas eve away from family, I woke up to blue skies and sunny day. Hiked to Balboa Park to check out the museums but they were all closed, so went to the zoo instead to visit Panda, maybe learn some Kung Fu, and a few other Oriental words while I'm at it ;) it started to rain after I said hi to the polar bear so I took the gondola and walked back home in time for my $5 Christmas dinner prepared by the hostel volunteers. It was great, best five bucks spent this month. I expected to be tired from a day of walking, but somehow my brain can't shutdown, so I tried to write myself to sleep once more.

Dec 26: feeling a bit adventurous or stupid or both, decided to take the trolley to San Ysidro, the town next to the Mexican border. People kept saying it was dangerous to go there because of the random acts of violence, but I had nothing to lose so I took my passport, got a day pass and hopped on the Blue Line. There is nothing to see at the border, just an outlet mall and a one way street to Mexico. Wanted to see what's on the other side and go buy me a snow globe but I didn't have a visa so I couldn't cross the line. Just ended up hopping on and off buses and following people around until I got sick of it and all the roads were just a blur of unfamiliar signs. Got off at some forgotten avenue and walked 14 blocks back to temporary home. Before i retired to dreamless sleep at 4am, I felt like a tiny insignificant dot in the mass of humanity.

Dec 27: 3 days has passed and still I haven't seen the beach so bought another day pass and took bus 30 to La Jolla. It has a breakwater where seals starbathe and a cove facing the Pacific ocean. Became a beach bum for a day and walked from end to end, the water was too cold to dip in without a wetsuit. Looking at the big waves I can just imagine that on the other side of that vast ocean is home, and those waves crushing the rocks on my feet will be the same waves touching the shores of my land, if only it can carry me away from here then maybe it will be ok. Watched the sunset atop a large rock formation while the rest of the people used their high powered telephoto lense to immortalize nature's marvel on canvas. I only had my eyes, my memory and my words to capture the colors of dusk swallowing the sky. One loves the sunset when one is sad.

Dec 28: last day in sunny SD, checked out of hostel at 11 then took bus 901 to Coronado, it was a 30 minute ride from 10th and Market. I love the sandy beach in this place, should have gone here from day 1 but it was raining then. Played chess on the beach and walked along the coastline, then all too soon I had to catch the bus back to the airport. My 5 day vacation to sunny city has come to an end. Now I am preparing myself to brave the cold harsh winter of Canada. It was fun while it lasted, just when the place has started to grow on me, it's time to move on again, such is life. I'm just thankful that I have this opportunity to set foot on an uncharted region that used to be just another postcard picture for me. Life is good. The future is friendly. We're growing together. I should keep this thought for the New Year.

first live hockey game i watched. 3-1, chicago won.

learned a lot of life lessons this year. this could be one of the most interesting year in my career as a human being. it's bad to care a lot and be taken for granted, it's terrible to work too much and feel so little. but it's worst to see the wheel grinding slowly towards you and still be stuck in the middle of everything, unable to step away and be saved.

i pray every day for God to give me strength and hope and patience to not be disappointed by the realities of life. yet i still lack this wisdom to know the difference between things i should have the serenity to accept and those i should have the courage to change. still a work in progress, but i am just so tired and disillusioned by everything else around me.

the holidays are around the corner, but it doesn't really feel like it when i look at my outlook calendar. i want to get out of this place and be somewhere sunny with good people who say what they mean and mean what they say. once you see through the matrix of lies and manipulation, it's hard to stay the same carefree person i was before i got tangled up in this mess.

these days i just close my eyes and wish myself away on a plane landing at my city, and being surrounded by people who truly care, or better yet i just want to never open my eyes again to this world of deceit and corruption, i pray every night that my journey in this life ends soon, i have seen enough.

Smile
by Chris Rice

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now

You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile