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last day of the year
Posted by poeticnook
on
12/31/2008 11:44:00 PM
When welcoming the New Year, It is customary to recap events or enumerate if not rank people or things that had some significant impact in our lives for that passing year. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, that's all relative, as long as it affected or changed us, then it should be recognized. So to honor this tradition, here's my best of 2008:
- trips: San Francisco, Hawaii, Oregon Coast, Seattle, LA, San Diego, Vancouver mainland / islands, and Toronto; not nearly as many as last year and mostly cities I've already gone to, I was running out of new places to visit that don't require a visa, (I need a blue passport ;p )
- firsts: Despite my being ancient, I still have lots to discover on this earth. Here's a list of new things I tried:
* sailing, driving a powerboat, sleeping in a boat on a freezing night, snorkeling, kayaking, camping, doing the grouse grind, hiking the chief, staying at hostels, hitching rides, talking to random people, exploring lava tubes, watching a volcano spew magma up close, cycling along the seawall, cycling across the golden gate, running to catch ferries, missing plane flights, having turkey dinner, watching live hockey game, shoveling snow, pumping gas, sleeping over at other people's house, attending parties with people I don't really know, staying away from allergens and alcohol, actually taking my meds and finishing a bottle, and allowing myself to be friends with people outside my bubble
- misses: Knowing I have issues with failure, this year has been particularly difficult for me because of some heartbreaking mishaps:
* being kicked out of the house because I leave early / come home late to / from work all the time, camping at the office since I have no other place to go, dealing with the rollback of the same project which robbed me of my time and caused my living arrangement to deteriorate, coming to terms with the fact that everybody is replaceable and can be fired or sent home without notice no matter how much they know or gave up, feeling like a pawn in a chess game - so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, becoming a burden by sleeping over at other people's couches while looking for new place to rent, coping with disappointment of a post release breakdown, missing family and not being able to go home to people who truly care for me, dealing with fake people and playing their games while trying to keep my soul intact, understanding that some people never say what they mean nor mean what they say and doing my best not to be like them, and finally accepting that I am nothing, a nobody, a tiny flame who can't even cast a proper shadow.
- lessons: Experiences happen to teach us something, so I distill these events and ferment them with time, until they no longer hurt, that way I can finally see them for what they truly are, and appreciate what they taught me.
* living alone in a faraway country without family or friends is tough, last year was bearable because I had relatives and workmates with whom I can relate to, I never felt misplaced, or homesick, but after losing them and having to face all these disappointments, I learned valuable lessons on humility, patience, understanding and acceptance.
I went through a phase of depression right after coming back in August, I was homeless, a failure at work, stripped of my friends, and without anybody to turn to but God. I prayed for an Angel to guide me because I couldn't do it on my own, but it's not reslly my nature to ask for or accept help, so I kept sinking into the black hole.
Outside I was this strong, self sufficient, in control, calm, cool, and collected person, a complete structure on it's own that didn't need anything else in this world, but each night I was breaking down till it just became too much to bear. I missed being hugged and crying on someone's shoulder, I missed being told that everything will be alright and tomorrow will be better. I never felt more miserable in my entire existence on this planet.
"after great pain, a formal feeling comes; the way freezing persons recollect the snow, first the pain, then the stupor, then the letting go"
So I decided to let go, let the waves crush me to the rocks and stop fighting the tides, I started putting everything in place, making sure the world will turn uninterrupted for people I will leave behind in case my time here is done. I have always lived each day as if it were my last, but now I have this urgency to share everything I know and give everything I have, leaving only the minimum to myself. I keep saying I'm done with all this pain, I'm ready to give up.
- resolution: I'm not a person who makes these, instead I have goals or some sort of general direction where I see myself in the next 365 days. But as it is, I don't really plan stuff, I just flip coins. Unfortunately I gave up my coin some months ago, so now I have nothing, I'm just waiting to be led..
With this coming year, I feel the winds of change are blowing once more, I will keep all these lessons like seashells from some sandy shore and put them all on my shelf of recollection. I am embracing the unknown and letting the rain shape me and mold me to become someone better, or crush me into pieces until I return to the dust where I came from. I don't really care anymore. Such is life.
- trips: San Francisco, Hawaii, Oregon Coast, Seattle, LA, San Diego, Vancouver mainland / islands, and Toronto; not nearly as many as last year and mostly cities I've already gone to, I was running out of new places to visit that don't require a visa, (I need a blue passport ;p )
- firsts: Despite my being ancient, I still have lots to discover on this earth. Here's a list of new things I tried:
* sailing, driving a powerboat, sleeping in a boat on a freezing night, snorkeling, kayaking, camping, doing the grouse grind, hiking the chief, staying at hostels, hitching rides, talking to random people, exploring lava tubes, watching a volcano spew magma up close, cycling along the seawall, cycling across the golden gate, running to catch ferries, missing plane flights, having turkey dinner, watching live hockey game, shoveling snow, pumping gas, sleeping over at other people's house, attending parties with people I don't really know, staying away from allergens and alcohol, actually taking my meds and finishing a bottle, and allowing myself to be friends with people outside my bubble
- misses: Knowing I have issues with failure, this year has been particularly difficult for me because of some heartbreaking mishaps:
* being kicked out of the house because I leave early / come home late to / from work all the time, camping at the office since I have no other place to go, dealing with the rollback of the same project which robbed me of my time and caused my living arrangement to deteriorate, coming to terms with the fact that everybody is replaceable and can be fired or sent home without notice no matter how much they know or gave up, feeling like a pawn in a chess game - so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, becoming a burden by sleeping over at other people's couches while looking for new place to rent, coping with disappointment of a post release breakdown, missing family and not being able to go home to people who truly care for me, dealing with fake people and playing their games while trying to keep my soul intact, understanding that some people never say what they mean nor mean what they say and doing my best not to be like them, and finally accepting that I am nothing, a nobody, a tiny flame who can't even cast a proper shadow.
- lessons: Experiences happen to teach us something, so I distill these events and ferment them with time, until they no longer hurt, that way I can finally see them for what they truly are, and appreciate what they taught me.
* living alone in a faraway country without family or friends is tough, last year was bearable because I had relatives and workmates with whom I can relate to, I never felt misplaced, or homesick, but after losing them and having to face all these disappointments, I learned valuable lessons on humility, patience, understanding and acceptance.
I went through a phase of depression right after coming back in August, I was homeless, a failure at work, stripped of my friends, and without anybody to turn to but God. I prayed for an Angel to guide me because I couldn't do it on my own, but it's not reslly my nature to ask for or accept help, so I kept sinking into the black hole.
Outside I was this strong, self sufficient, in control, calm, cool, and collected person, a complete structure on it's own that didn't need anything else in this world, but each night I was breaking down till it just became too much to bear. I missed being hugged and crying on someone's shoulder, I missed being told that everything will be alright and tomorrow will be better. I never felt more miserable in my entire existence on this planet.
"after great pain, a formal feeling comes; the way freezing persons recollect the snow, first the pain, then the stupor, then the letting go"
So I decided to let go, let the waves crush me to the rocks and stop fighting the tides, I started putting everything in place, making sure the world will turn uninterrupted for people I will leave behind in case my time here is done. I have always lived each day as if it were my last, but now I have this urgency to share everything I know and give everything I have, leaving only the minimum to myself. I keep saying I'm done with all this pain, I'm ready to give up.
- resolution: I'm not a person who makes these, instead I have goals or some sort of general direction where I see myself in the next 365 days. But as it is, I don't really plan stuff, I just flip coins. Unfortunately I gave up my coin some months ago, so now I have nothing, I'm just waiting to be led..
With this coming year, I feel the winds of change are blowing once more, I will keep all these lessons like seashells from some sandy shore and put them all on my shelf of recollection. I am embracing the unknown and letting the rain shape me and mold me to become someone better, or crush me into pieces until I return to the dust where I came from. I don't really care anymore. Such is life.
