0
when pain hurts more
Posted by poeticnook
on
1/27/2009 05:46:00 PM
i used to say that pain is not the worst thing in the world (forgetting is), but i was talking about emotional pain then - those tiny insignificant heartaches that can easily be blotted out by perspective and the right state of mind. physical pain is a totally different matter, i've tried using up all the logic in my head to convince myself that i'm not hurting, but it's not really working, well, maybe sometimes, but not always. i thought i was good at this - tolerating pain, but i just proved myself wrong, i'm good for nothing.
last saturday, as i was getting off the lift at cypress, i felt something hit my back, then everything was a blur, i was lying on the snow facing the blue skies, and all i could think of was how those two birds looked so happy flying by. i couldn't move, couldn't feel my toes nor my fingers, all i could hear was people in the background telling me to get out of the way but i was in shock, nothing intelligible was coming out of my mouth, they tried to move me and i tried to get up but only my brain was working, the rest of my body didn't respond.
there were no flashbacks, no moving pictures of life lessons ran in my mind, i made a mental note that perhaps all those books and movies were wrong, when you die, you just become this brain trapped in a body, and then slowly you will fade away.. your life will not go on instant replay, it will just be gone in the blink of an eye.. one moment you're here, the next moment you're gone.
numb from the cold and babbling some nonsense phrases, the first-aid team finally arrived and strapped me to a gurney then rolled me down the hill on a sled. they called for an ambulance and i found myself on my second ER trip in this lifetime. i must say ambulance ride is cool =) except i couldn't really appreciate it that much because i had this neck brace that stopped me from looking around.
at the hospital, they took me to radiology for xrays while my friends patiently waited by my side. got dismissed by doctor saying everything will go away in a few days, but one day will be more painful than the next. he prescribed some painkillers then i was discharged, i stood up and all the pain in the world collided in my head, i felt faint and i don't really remember much. i just knew i wanted to get out of the place fast before the world starts spinning.
later that day i got a call from the hospital saying they made a mistake interpreting my x-rays. turned out i have a fractured lumbar vertebrae, fancy name that explains the pain. and it will hurt for several weeks instead of just a few days.
so now i'm living one painful day at a time in slow motion.. it hurts to stand up, sit down, walk, laugh, breathe, digest food. stretch, i feel like an invalid, unable to pick up stuff,, yeah i'm being whiny and grumpy and on full complain mode. can't focus or think clearly.. stopped taking the pain killers, it's for whimps, plus it made it hard for me to breathe, the label on the bottle also scared me - habit forming. i don't need more addictions..
the nights are worse, but tomorrow is gonna be better. pain is not the worst thing in the world after all, not even physical pain, although the mind can't really block it out completely, it's still all about attitude. feeling anything, even pain, just reminds us that we're alive, and with life there is hope..
in some alternate universe, i wish my whole life just flashed before my eyes and then i'd be done with it in a split second, no more unbearable feeling of shooting pain... it's hard accepting that i have to stay in place now, and be a burden to other people, i can't even do my work well.. i feel so useless..
in that other life lived from the other window, i would wish myself away.. but somehow i'm somewhere else now.. somewhere i have never travelled, i'm just glad my guardian angel is taking care of me tonight.. i wish i deserved this kindness..
last saturday, as i was getting off the lift at cypress, i felt something hit my back, then everything was a blur, i was lying on the snow facing the blue skies, and all i could think of was how those two birds looked so happy flying by. i couldn't move, couldn't feel my toes nor my fingers, all i could hear was people in the background telling me to get out of the way but i was in shock, nothing intelligible was coming out of my mouth, they tried to move me and i tried to get up but only my brain was working, the rest of my body didn't respond.
there were no flashbacks, no moving pictures of life lessons ran in my mind, i made a mental note that perhaps all those books and movies were wrong, when you die, you just become this brain trapped in a body, and then slowly you will fade away.. your life will not go on instant replay, it will just be gone in the blink of an eye.. one moment you're here, the next moment you're gone.
numb from the cold and babbling some nonsense phrases, the first-aid team finally arrived and strapped me to a gurney then rolled me down the hill on a sled. they called for an ambulance and i found myself on my second ER trip in this lifetime. i must say ambulance ride is cool =) except i couldn't really appreciate it that much because i had this neck brace that stopped me from looking around.
at the hospital, they took me to radiology for xrays while my friends patiently waited by my side. got dismissed by doctor saying everything will go away in a few days, but one day will be more painful than the next. he prescribed some painkillers then i was discharged, i stood up and all the pain in the world collided in my head, i felt faint and i don't really remember much. i just knew i wanted to get out of the place fast before the world starts spinning.
later that day i got a call from the hospital saying they made a mistake interpreting my x-rays. turned out i have a fractured lumbar vertebrae, fancy name that explains the pain. and it will hurt for several weeks instead of just a few days.
so now i'm living one painful day at a time in slow motion.. it hurts to stand up, sit down, walk, laugh, breathe, digest food. stretch, i feel like an invalid, unable to pick up stuff,, yeah i'm being whiny and grumpy and on full complain mode. can't focus or think clearly.. stopped taking the pain killers, it's for whimps, plus it made it hard for me to breathe, the label on the bottle also scared me - habit forming. i don't need more addictions..
the nights are worse, but tomorrow is gonna be better. pain is not the worst thing in the world after all, not even physical pain, although the mind can't really block it out completely, it's still all about attitude. feeling anything, even pain, just reminds us that we're alive, and with life there is hope..
in some alternate universe, i wish my whole life just flashed before my eyes and then i'd be done with it in a split second, no more unbearable feeling of shooting pain... it's hard accepting that i have to stay in place now, and be a burden to other people, i can't even do my work well.. i feel so useless..
in that other life lived from the other window, i would wish myself away.. but somehow i'm somewhere else now.. somewhere i have never travelled, i'm just glad my guardian angel is taking care of me tonight.. i wish i deserved this kindness..
