I feel most alive when the road changes and moves beneath me, but I feel most at home when I am flying above the clouds or riding the waves in the middle of the ocean.

Two decades ago, my holy week would have been spent fasting, doing the stations of the cross, going to confession, communion and church. A decade ago, I would have been going home from university for summer vacation, spending time with family, going to memorial to commemorate the last supper on nissan 14.

In between then and now, my disappointment and disillusionment with people and institutions hardened my heart. God does not reside only in the church of the pious but also in the hearts of the lonely and the passionate.

As I stood on the fishing boat watching the waves of the open sea crash onto its sides and almost tip it over, I gazed up at the vast gray clouds and thanked God for lending me this life, for sending his son Jesus Christ to die for my sins so that I may be redeemed, for showering me with blessings and showing me miracles everyday, then I asked for forgiveness for all my trespasses and once again I prayed for Him to take me away.

I felt the raindrops like needle pricks against my face while I held on to the bars to keep myself from falling overboard. It's moments like these that give me clarity - when I feel like I'm a tiny insignificant dot in the universe, that in the blink of an eye I could be gone and would cease to exist. Feels so different compared to sitting in front of the computer in an antiseptic cube.

It reminded me of my childhood spent on small boats and the big waves of Romblon. I have come a long way from home, and when I talked to my family last Wednesday I felt so far away and so lost. Why did I grow up too fast, too soon..

I still feel out of place sometimes, like I just woke up from a dream and I'm suddenly surrounded by all these grown ups, only to realize that I am a grown up myself with no clue on how to proceed. And yet an epiphany came to me as the sea swallowed my uncertainties. I know what to do now.

If only I can keep myself from being sad and restless in between now and that time.. I hope I can survive.

the montreal trip was marked by blind dining at o'noir, tree top adventure, museum of modern art tour, indie film viewings at cinema du parc, long walks at rue st. laurent to rue st. catherine, hike down from mont royal, jazz bar excursions, a visit to basilique notre dame and poutine overdose.

the first two days were sunny but unfortunately my friend had to support some work stuff so i just looked at the city from the window. finally on the third day we met up with her college friends and tried the surprise menu at o'noir. the ad said that senses are heightened and the flavors are enhanced when you're blind dining, but interestingly for me, i thought the food was more bland when i don't actually ssee what i'm eating. oh well.

the tree-top adventure was not as long as the one we did at la fleche in quebec, i wasn't feeling up to it that time and i wasn't even wearing the right shoes but i gave in to peer pressure and just went for it. i'm glad i did, i haven't tried the obstacle course and ziplining in the snow. the only downside was there were no gloves provided and it was so cold but overall it was fun.

the view from mont royal was spectacular, but i heard that the view from cypress is way better, can't really compare though coz i haven't been to the cypress lookout yet, maybe i should stop by sometime. the hike down was not that bad, i did try to call for a taxi but it never came, it reminded me of the time when i walked down from tops - now that was hard work, i couldn't lift my legs to stand up the next day, this one was nothing compared to that, then again we didnt really go up till the top..

among other things, montreal is famous for its jazz bars, so we went to at least three. acid jazz is not really one of my favorites, it's like dadaism on saxophone, but i loved the piano renditions - now if only i can teach myself to play like that, then i'll be set for a career in music =)

the last day of the trip was spent looking for starbucks mugs, i didn't know this was such a hard to find commodity in this city of a hundred coffee shops. eventually we found a store that had stocks, unfortunately for me i wasn't able to get a snow globe to add to my collection, i guess this calls for a next time...