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less than zero

Posted by poeticnook on 8/29/2009 07:39:00 PM
today i stayed home alone with my thoughts from sun up to sun down, it can be fatal i know, but i survived, somehow. i started the day thinking i would do my laundry, work out, join the trip to lighthouse park, throw the trash, do groceries, clean my room, play with rapidweaver, decode the google phone.. but of course i ended up doing none of those. the day is just too short to do anything, i don't know if everything is on fast forward here or i'm just really slow. i can see how easy it is to let the world spin by while i stay in place and not move forward in this life. at times like these, i can hear my friend's voice saying "you have no concept of time". i woke up before 6am and 14 hours later i'm still in bed, counting the skytrains passing by.

last night we had a nice walk along english bay and had dinner at a jazz place that burned a hole in my pocket. it was fun to catch up with people from the past and to recall the good old days. my former cubemate asked me why i changed my mind about staying here. she reminded me of what i said before about finding another place to explore once my work here is done, but something happened somehow, and now here i am, trying to make some semblance of structure so i can survive this concept of permanent residence. when i close my eyes and ask God for a picture of what life would be like for me, all i see is black.

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black

Posted by poeticnook on 8/20/2009 09:33:00 PM in ,
i step one side
life esteemed
outside ourselves
we lead our feelings,
rough, rough is the darkness
that i feel
when we feel not ourselves,
come I'll show you heaven,
heaven where angels sing
and people die
where lovers say goodbye
where pain is essential to life
where leaders have to lie,
welcome dear one to forever
welcome to good night
forgotten, forgotten
gone...

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the days that are fleeting

Posted by poeticnook on 8/20/2009 04:53:00 AM
is it just me or did summer just pass by like a breeze? i blinked and it was still spring, i blinked again and it's summer already, i'm afraid another quick shut eye would bring fall in advance. i don't want the sunny days to be over yet, and yet it's inevitable, the rain and the gray clouds will come soon, bringing with it the wonderful colors of autumn.
for the past two months, i've been at yvr at least 6 times, just whisking people and their baggages to and from the place. being in airports doesn't evoke the same feelings in me anymore, it doesn't affect me anymore. this must mean i'm getting better.

have you ever wanted something so much that it physically hurts when you don't get it? i used to say no, i mean really, what is there in life that's so precious to hold on to that it would break your heart if you don't get it? everything here is temporary anyway, what's the point of holding on? i can be anywhere anytime with anybody doing anything, but do i want to be just that?
as much as i am a traveler, the past year made me appreciate a lot of things missing in my career as a wanderer - growing roots, having residence, family, community. in this ever changing world, it's a comfort to have something constant to hold on to, and just as everything is being pulled away from me, leaving me back to empty, i realized how much i wanted the stuff i never had. it was torture.

it took me a while to bounce back and finally let go and let God do His work, I have done my best. If I am meant to live here then I will stay, if I should be in this job, then I will keep it. If there is somewhere or something better for me, then so be it. He knows my heart and what I want but He also knows what's best for me, He makes all things beautiful in His own time. I am tired of fighting time...

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under the bright and starry sky

Posted by poeticnook on 8/12/2009 11:54:00 PM
it's that time of the year for meteor showers in the northern hemisphere, the perseids should be visible between 12am to 3am, now if only it's not foggy and you're looking away from the moon, then it would really be a sight to behold, otherwise you might miss it, but unlike aurigids that takes decades to reappear, there's still a chance to catch a glimpse of perseids next summer since it happens every year anyway.

some things in life are like perseids, constant, on the dot, dependable, consistent. they are always there, they always show, year after year at the exact same time and place, with no fail. other stuff are like aurigids, they are rare, they dont have a pattern, they come and go and you never really know when they'll come back again if they do come back again. so which one of the two would you value more?

i asked that same question before to this person i know from university, i was visiting the city and was leaving the next day so I asked if we could meet to catch up, she had a scheduled dinner with her roommates at that time and i gave her the leonid - augrid analogy when i asked if she could make some room for me since i might not be coming back anymore, she wisely stated her point - if i get turned down, i will be hurt now and then i will be gone and that's that, if she turns down the people she is constantly with, then she has to live with it for a long time. and so she has to value the ones that are constant, not the ones that come just once and might not come again.

i used to value ephemeral things more - those that visit us for a moment and never really stay but leave lasting impressions - like shooting stars and cherry blossoms and passing friends. i used to say i must make time for these objects, these events, these people, because they might not be here again and i will have lost something rare if i miss them. but in time i have come to realize that i have neglected those that are constant in my life - like the sky above me, and the ground i walk on, and God's infinite love. it's time to pay homage to them and acknowledge them. often we take for granted those that are always there, but that won't be the case anymore.. i'm a work in progress, and i'm doing my best everyday to be the best person that God intends me to be. He knows what's best for me.

incidentally, totally unrelated to heavenly bodies, today is international left handers day. people are inventing so many things to celebrate about =) i'm not really left handed, i'm more ambidextrous, probably the only thing i can't do with my left hand is write cursive, sports and my mouse belong to my left, and from yesterday's art class i just discovered that i can also draw with my left hand, this is great, i have a spare working hand =) maybe i can use both at the same time, write with my right and draw with my left haha, almost like the wisdom of crocodiles. let's see ^^

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greater than this

Posted by poeticnook on 8/03/2009 04:01:00 AM
there is a sadness tugging at my heart right now as i look at the city lights below me. just finished moving songs between my ipods and reading the word in between thinking too much, i could set a new record for myself - for not being able to sleep. now that the dust has almost settled in, there are so many things left to put in their proper places or put away in boxes to send away. the noise of the skytrain keeps me awake, as a flood of recollection try to pull me down, thoughts of people who rarely speak, but when they do, crush my heart into pieces, still linger at the back of my head when i try to close my eyes.

i need to be rid of myself.

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living large

Posted by poeticnook on 8/02/2009 05:16:00 AM
two months and two more moves later, my previous post looks so ancient now. my new place, for the next few months at least, is on the 24th floor, overlooking the mountains, the sea, and the city lights. every day, the sound of the skytrain greets me until 2 am, it rests for two hours, then it starts again - this kept me up on the first few nights but after i finished setting up my sound system, i can now block out the noise with music as i sleep on the couch.

a week after my move, i am almost done unpacking and settling in, i boxed all the useless things i accumulated and tidied the clutter that is my stuff. having my own place again feels different. it brings me back to 5 years ago when i was living on the 22nd floor overlooking makati, 2 minutes walk to greenbelt, and 10 minutes walk to work. i remember the fireworks every week in december which i can see from the rooftop and stargazing by the pool every night.

now, half a decade later, i can't really say i'm better off. i am more lost and more alone than ever before and the future doesn't look friendly at all. my family is now physically and emotionally distant, my old friends have moved on to new chapters in their lives, and the new ones i've met have their own roots and security blankets here. i feel like a seed that grew on the wrong side of the forest.

on times like these, when i miss people who can't be with me, i have my sailboat and my lava lamp to comfort me.

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