Tonight is cook out at UP. My friends and I are debating on whether to go or not.. The event would be fun I'm sure, It's just that there are some people that my friends don't want to see there.. so I guess we'll just take a rain check. Another dinner at Don Henrico's tonight with some college friends, I feel like I'm beginning to hate that place. Too noisy. Too crowded. Slow service. Nothing compared to their branch at Baguio, but then of course, nothing beats the original as always.

Boredom creeps through my veins like a sedative inducing me to sleep. I wish I could get out of here soon, I've finished about 80% of my task, not considering the change from application to web based applets.. which I haven't even started yet... I've been slaving over my computer for the past two weeks now, I think I should reward myself this weekend..

Tomorrow, it's off to gadgets world for me, I'm going to buy a PDA, something to add to my toy collection =) Hmmm.. Now where is that Palm Data Sheet I was reading...

It was, I think, after my second large french fries at mcdonalds when maian came holding out this ticket. A musical concert, hmmm. this would be a nice break from the monotony of office life, I said to myself, and so I gave in =).

The Sports Club was a pleasant sight. The bar on the second floor, just outside the sinulog ballroom looked very inviting, but then I remembered that we were there for the show and not the drinks. The concert was filled with older people and foreigners which made me wonder if my generation never really appreciate these kinds of events. Maian reminded me however that this was some sort of by-invitation-only-concert. So desu ka.

Napoleon Abueva, the national artist for sculpture was there with his family. It was a pleasant experience to watch world renowned Filipino artists perform right before their countrymen for free. (Well, at least for me it was free, I don't know if the Arts Council of Cebu paid them..)

Going home, hums of unfamiliar melodies filled my ears. I'm glad I went there instead of going back to the office and working on my pc. The hundreds of mp3's on my hard disk is nothing compared to what I would have missed.

Someone sent me a text message a few nights ago, asking me if I missed school and the people and stuff associated with it.. It took me a while to answer but I knew all the time that I would have said yes.

Who wouldn't miss the part where you can choose which classes to take and what time you get in? True, there are dorks in every campus and idiots lurking everywhere, not to mention the "others", well.. but then I love school, and most of the people and stuff associated with it. I love the cook outs, intramurals, lantern parades, college days, and I must admit, enrolment day is pretty exciting, especially when you are an irregular student and you can't find a teacher who would let you in their class. Now that's fun! (that was said in a quasi-sarcastic way, in case you're pouting).

College was just like a game, you win some, you lose some. Professors keep saying that this is your preparation for life to infinity and beyond blah blah b.s. And activists keep saying "Do not confine your learning to the four walls of the classroom" therefore let's cut class and attend the rally (I'm not anti rallies by the way, I actually figured in some non violent marches). And there I was, in the middle of figuring out what major to take and which topping was best for my pizza, trapped between volumes of books and cd's to check out...

Now here I am, and this is life? No one can ever be prepared for it, if I had known it was like this, then I would have opted to flunk my subjects or take an LOA for one year then fly off to our province and planted camote in the fields. I've always wanted to go to school when I was a kid, I thought it was some fairy tale playground.. It wasn't all that fun though, especially when people put too much value on those numbers given out at the end of the term, too much that even trust is broken and friendship is lost..

I want to go back though.. I want to be in school forever. It was easy there, they give you high grades if you do well, they flunk you if you don't (easy to say!).. you can cut class and watch a movie, and you can talk your way out of any responsibility and they'll excuse you and say you're juvenile. (or mark your Form 5 with three big letters in red ink "PDQ")

But now, who gives the grades? Who says which is commendable and which is not? You have to kiss their a's in this world in order to be noticed... Am I officially a grown up now? I have to wake up early, go to work, earn my keep, bow my head to the "superiors", do the task assigned then it starts all over again.. just like a nightmare that never ends.. Is this what I was prepared for?

Yes I miss school, and mostly everything that has come to pass.. but then each man much travel his own way and leave the places he has passed, take the learning in his heart and walk on...

All Life is a school, and so I walk on...

It is the exhilarating ride to the office that brightens me up on early mornings. I have just recently re-discovered the joy of riding a jeepney to work (see taxi article). Well, it's not really that I've given up on the taxi drivers that I've come across with, It's just that I miss the feel of the wind against my face on cold mornings. It makes me feel like there is something good to look forward to for the rest of the day..

but of course that is just a hope. The office is the wildest of all circuses, a lion would look tame in there, what with the two faced people the split tongued SV's blah blah etc. etc. A snake would be kinder you know, at least you know they are snakes and that they are potentially dangerous, but what of people wearing masks? Ah, I rest my case, there is politics everywhere. And it really doesn't matter until you become muddled in the middle of it.. Got to keep a look out, you'll never know who the real people are, Sounds a lot like anti trust.

Oh well, at least I can look forward to mornings, and to that ride, with the wind blowing away my worries, whispering to my ears that there better things to come... maybe not yet now.. but later..

"Soft wind,
whisper gently to my ears
Soothe my aching heart
Ease my confused mind
Calm my troubled soul
I want to rest..."

Today is my mom's birthday. We will have dinner tonight together with some close friends and my two brothers. It's been a while since we've had dinner together. Work has been taking longer hours from my days that I rarely go home early, much more eat dinner. This night would be a welcome change from the dull routine of overtime work or overstaying at the office to catch up on some readings about new technologies.

The typhoon that has been hovering around the city for days has finally left town.. I hope tonight will be a night full of stars.. that would be the best gift for my mom,

Tiredness crawls through my body like there was nothing else in this world but pain. I should sleep early tonight, I tell myself. I got home at 3 a.m. this morning and part of me just wonders why I do..

Last night there were no stars. only a cloudy haze of darkness wanting to choke me. I am like shattered glass, broken in many places, I doubt if I will ever be whole once more. I'm tired. and it creeps through my system like some virus wanting to take control and invade my being.

Sometimes i wonder what went wrong.. where did the laughter go.. days pass like an infinite stream of thoughts unsaid, and emotions locked up like acid in a bottle. I look at the mirror and all i see is a pair of lusterless windows to my soul. There is something more to life than climbing pillars.. but what is it? and why does it seem so hard to stop myself from struggling when it's so much easier to let go?

I will go out this afternoon, I will take a half day off from work and just lie down at home. my stomach cramps are getting worse..