mental block 

 

dutifully the night hides your ghost 

behind a bed of wistful stars 

i gaze and find no traces of your blood 

as if you never existed 

beyond the madness of my closed eyes 

it's a conspiracy, i know, 

between you and the seven skies 

this hide and seek and tale tell lies 

i let them wade unnoticed 

despite these gray stains on my hand 

i thought i was done breaking you 

on a new poem's coarse lines 

but still you stalk me, a willing prey 

wanting none of these vague words 

trying hard to make a rhyme 

trying hard to make me rhyme.

ndg.12.20.2005.7.37.p.m. 

visit epic verses

title: the curious incident of the dog in the night time
author: mark haddon

just finished reading this book =) bitterly funny and highly compulsive. twas reicheru who told me that she was reminded of me when she read this book. so i checked it out and found out that inded, i am autistic. =p

i dont know how you do it
with such elegant charm
how you fade away ever so swiftly
and come back again as if you were never gone

it's like a magic trick
a disappearing act
one blink, and you're here
another blink, then there's none

you leave me awestruck,
confused, conflicted
you leave me wondering
wandering,

you

leave

me

teach me how to do that
just like the way you do
close the lights,
curtains down

watch me walk away too.

11.30.2005.5.38.p.m.

"its like this: you love, you learn, then you let go. and it's okay."


where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 2
when: Saturday, 26 November 2005. 1:50 p.m.

powerbook g4 1.33ghz
512mb ram
64mb nVidia GeForce4 5200
80gb hard disk
built in bluetooth
built in airport extreme
dvd combo drive
mac os x tiger 10.4.3

the best harry potter movie to date =)


where: Greenbelt 3, Cinema 3
when: Sunday, 20 November 2005. 12:30 a.m.

by 4PM

it's all because of you, I'm feeling sad and blue
you went away, now my life is just a rainy day
and I love you so, how much you'll never know
you've gone away and left me lonely

untouchable memories, seem to keep haunting me
another love so true
that once turned all my gray skies blue
but you disappeared
now my eyes are filled with tears
and I'm wishing you were here with me

soft with love are my thoughts of you
now that you're gone
i just don't know what to do

if only you were here
you'd wash away my tears
the sun would shine once again
you'd be mine all mine
but in reality, you and I will never be
'cause you took your love away from me

Loneliness Quotient: 49%

Your Personalized Assessment Report:

49 is still a somewhat decent score, however there is definite room for improvement. We will examine the issues that could use work and see what can be done about them. Your friend issues are one blemish on your situation. Difficulties in this area are having an impact on your loneliness, and this is something that needs improvement. Luckily in your case, your family situation is not causing you any troubles. A positive family situation is definitely helpful. Things look much more bleak in your romantic life. Making improvements here by finding a good guy can drastically cut your level of loneliness. Thankfully you do not have a problem with shyness, so pursuing romantic leads and finding friends will not be as difficult as it might have been. Even though you're a relatively outgoing person, it's hard for you to meet interesting people due to the area you live in. You need to look harder or expand your boundaries to further lower your LQ score. Finally, it is important that you address some major insecurity issues you seem to have. This will enable you to further improve your social interactions and reduce your loneliness even further.

Take the Loneliness Quotient Test at Dating Diversions

i used to love watching zorro on tv back when i was eight. i've always thought that once you've seen a zorro movie or tv show, it feels like you've seen them all..

well, i was right.


where: Greenbelt 3, Cinema 2
when: Sunday, 6 November 2005. 5:30 p.m.

it took me ten tries to remember my password on my other account, and so for preventive measures and for posterity, i migrated some stuff from my spymac blog, diaryland and chronicles. those would be entries from april 2005 backwards =)

a must try for web developers. visit the site here.

i missed the vigan adventure because i had to take on some responsibilities that couldn't be put off, aside from the fact that i've been sick for almost a week now. so instead of collecting pebbles from cobblestone streets, i spent the weekend sneezing and huddled in sheets.

from the wavy shores of pagudpod, my friends brought me sand =)

i told you there was a little girl...


where: Greenbelt 1, Cinema 1
when: Monday, 31 October 2005. 09:30 p.m.

di' mark's. greenbelt 3.

ajax chat application with google maps intergration, check it out here.

cafe havana. gb3. 10.27.2005. 12:00 a.m.

for three days now, i've been sleeping at around 4 a.m. because of this darned game. i just uploaded the mobile version on my phone and so far im in stage 6 level 5 hehe, 2 more levels to go and i've finished em all. yey!

hehe it's mundane triumphs like these that helps me get through the rest of the week. =) just got some mind bending news about a family prob 5 days ago and i'm so tired of all this brokenness, just want to push it back in my mind and think of other nuances

so on to better things: my current favorite wifi spot is starbucks insular, =) that place is so spic and span and new and comfy and best of all, their halloween treat upsizes your drink for free, what more can one ask for? *more power outlets* =p

yet another ipod on the shelves for the holiday season, this one plays video.. check out apple.com for more details.

in the meantime, i'm crossing my fingers that the pda i'm planning to buy in sg will push through this weekend, and hopefully an ex officemate would be kind enough to bring it home by first week next month =)

arrgghhhhh, i'm running on empty, haven't paid ri on the white case she brought home from her recent trip abroad, i should dial 911 again ang ask pa for some cash, hehe yep shameless, 24 and still getting money from my parents. when will i ever learn?

when i first learned that digital walker already sells the ipod nano silicon case for Php650, i immediately visited their park square 1 branch. the available colors are: white, light blue, dark blue, violet, pink, brown and orange.

the white one was my first choice but later realized that there were two very obvious white lines on the front, probably a manufacturing defect, so i opted for the orange to match with my phone, unfortunately it didn't mix well with my black nano so finally i got the purple. yey! at least something to tide me over till the nano tubes arrive.

ok i take it back, 2gb is not enough. i just took out my dusty cds and added them to my itunes library. yargz!!! it's more than 20gb, i haven't even counted the ones i left in cebu: albums of matchbox twenty, staind, greenday, lighthouse family.. ost of city of angels, my best friend's wedding, the other sister, shrek..

sheesh, now i'm left with the dilemma of weeding out songs from my playlist. no more space to include all the tracks from my anna nalick, jet, norah jones and lifehouse albums. hohum, i spent the entire night just trying to fit them in my nano and finally slept at around 3am.

there's a rumored invite only apple affair in california on october 12, could this be the 80gb ipod launch? =)

rachel weisz' character in this movie reminds me of my father's third wife, an (she's a belgian). and just like tessa, she's very much into helping indigenous people in "developing countries".

this film uses a non linear style of narration, and this can alternately confuse and draw the audience's attention on what the plot really is.

if i were a middle class citizen of a first world country, i would say that this is exactly the movie i need to watch to wake me up from my complacency and open my eyes to the reality of poverty in other parts of the world. but as it is, i am just another expendible person in this equally impoverished nation, and all i can say about the shacks in africa is: it looks a lot like our very own smokey mountain.


where: Greenbelt 3, Cinema 3
when: Saturday, 01 October 2005. 08:30 p.m.

God grant me the Serenity
      to accept the things I cannot change..
Courage to change the things I can..
and Wisdom to know the difference..

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
      not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
      if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

history: http://open-mind.org/Serenity.htm

if there was a year in your life that you could go back to, what would it be? i would always say, 1997. it was a year of grand opportunities and missed chances. so many things i could have done and yet i chose to do otherwise. if regret was a word in my vocabulary, i could have said, without any hesitation, that i regret how that moment in time has affected the rest of my life. but regret is for losers, and no matter how bruised and bitter i may have become, i can’t just bow my head and accept defeat.

it’s not that i don’t like where i am right now, contentment has never been my best virtue so that’s not the issue, it’s just that that year is one of the biggest crossroad in my life. it’s like the choose your own adventure pocket book where you get to have different endings depending on your decisions: to fight it out with the big bad wolf or to run away and hide in the woods? i chose to hide in the woods, stay in my comfort zone, deny that i could ever be anything outside the little bubble that i invented and enclosed myself in.

now, eight years past i recall that little coin i flipped, what if i fought the wolf instead? yeah, i wouldn’t have met all those interesting creatures but hey, those kind of trees also grow in this part of the hundred acre land. i was just too much of a coward. i’ve always feared the unknown.

it’s really no fun to look back and think of all the has been and what could have been in your life, it get’s you all melodramatic and guilty but the good thing is, you get to contemplate on how you got here in the first place, that is especially helpful if you’re like me who just wakes up with a start every day and wonder: where am i? how did i get here? where am i headed?

the sims is one of my all time favorites, my addiction for sim games started after playing creatures 3, it's about artificially intelligent norns that you can train to speak, do things, build gadgets and genetically engineer. it was great but unfortunately, the developers abandoned it 4 years ago.

with the advent of sims 2, i'm once again a loyal customer of data blitz, and my recent purchase is the night life expansion pack. at last, my sim can now own a sports car and drive around down town. now if only my real life could catch up with that..

visit http://thesims.ea.com/

the comedy isn't that funny and the romance is very predictable but what makes this movie bearable to watch aside from drew is the inside look on what goes on in a sports fanatic's mind. i didn't know box seats could cost that much.


where: Greenbelt 1, Cinema 1
when: Friday, 23 September 2005. 02:45 p.m.

"the information age is over" this is what sun microsystems ceo scott mcnealy declared before announcing that he will be giving away their software technology for free. wow! this is the solaris operating system we're talking about here. back when i was on bt in tamagawa, that's a whole eon of light years ago, our workstation has dozens of sun blade servers which cost around US $2000. open sourcing solaris could lead to a lot things like the evolution of patches to make it work on intel x86 machines like the soon to be released version of mac os. this could lower production costs for software people who are depending on solaris systems, but on the other hand one can't help but ask: what happens to the people behind solaris? will they lose their jobs? what about microsoft, do they have plans of at least slashing their current software prices to half so as to prevent piracy? speaking of microsoft, i heard from a twit podcast that they are having brain drain problems. the top people have opted to resign and join other companies, i should start updating my resume. haha! yeah right

friday, saturday and sunday were advertised as m-ph expo weekend at greenbelt 1. there were lots of booths displaying the latest gadgets of apple, archos, creative, sony and many others. i went for a peak and attended the apple ipod seminar at around 6pm saturday, too bad i didn't ask a question, i could have won an ipod sock! there were also lots of freebies and raffle prizes, i brought home several back issues of m-ph.

i remember when m-ph was first launched 2 years ago, it was bundled free with the reviewer magazine, and while the rest of my friends were reading cosmo, i was lost in tech land. i don't know, there's just something in those shiny things that never fail to catch my attention.

if only i have a bottomless wallet =)

podcastalley is my favorite web destination these days eventhough i currently don't own an ipod, sold it off months ago because i got tired of the 20 gig worth of memory with nothing to put on it and the grayscale display just made me miss my sony clie t650c even more. maybe i just got used to the miniscule ram on those prehistoric palm os pda's that's why i can't fill up this huge space, the 512mb memstick duo on my w800i isn't even half full yet, or perhaps i just don't have enough songs to put on it.

anyways, after i discovered these podcasts, i now have a lot of content to load onto my memstick, and if i get crazy again, i just might get me a black ipod nano before the week ends =)

this film is guaranteed to keep you at the edge of your seats, definitely another cleverly written plot from the director of scream. it almost starts out like serendipity but doesn't stay that way for long.


where: Greenbelt 1, Cinema 1
when: Saturday, 10 September 2005. 05:50 p.m.

we had breakfast at this newly opened pancake and steak house at g4 last saturday. good thing we were there early so we found our seats in no time. i ordered their dear bacon, love eggs meal, funny name but it was actually good. a warning though, don't ever order that blue colored, weird tasting bubblegum soda. ewwww!!! i think i had a stomach ache because of that one.

after breakfast/brunch, i finally got a silicon case for my w800i, Php750 at digital walker in park square 1. i also bought a pair of shades as babs birthday gift, he turned 16 yesterday. how swift time flies, my baby brother isn't a baby anymore, boo hooo, he's even taller than me! but his taste in movies haven't changed, we watched this kid's movie "sky high", it's about teen-agers with superpowers studying at this academy that same name. it's a fun film.

for the 2nd straight week now, we've been spending our sunday mornings at planet badminton in pasong tamo, it's only a 5 minute jeepney ride away. we usually play from 8 to 10 a.m. i remember the last time i played against babs at ymca cebu, he literally broke the badminton racket in 2. yeah! he's a sore loser hehe j/k actually i think he grips the racket too fiercely or something, anyway this time his racket didn't break but it flew right across the court, whew!! i think he should stick to soccer.

this movie is surprisingly good and witty for a disney kid movie. i almost wished that this was like a harry potter film with 6 sequels.

just discovered today that they have a nice interactive website. go ahead, it's not too early for second childhood =)


where: Glorietta 1, Cinema 2
when: Saturday, 3 September 2005. 09:30 p.m.

t.g.i.f =) that's probably what most of my working friends tell themselves when they wake up and find out that the week snuck past them again and it's friday at last, yey!

woke up at half past ten today, the construction at the nearby shang condo is so irritating! i would have slept for an hour more if not for the noise. bum's life i know =). the good thing about not working at some high profile pretentious firm is not having to spend much time looking for a business casual attire, so there i was rummaging through my closet looking for my favorite pair of torn pants and half sleeved giordano sports shirt. rags! i'm sure that's what my mom would say.

after a quick shower and a bite of leftover food from last night, i decided to get some cash from the atm, it's a friday after all, time to empty the cash registers and spend foolishly harhar. good thing i live just across the mall, i didn't have a hard time finding a cash dispenser, especially after i found out that the nearest atm was off-line.

i practiced aimless wandering at greenbelt, trying to look for a decent pivot case for my new toy. unfortunately, i didn't find any so i decided to just go visit some friends working at ayala av and join them for a fri lunch out. it's expensive being lazy, instead of a 15 minute walk, i opted to take a cab and spent the next 30 minutes stuck in traffic. it set me back 70 bucks!!! aarrggghhhhhh.

for lunch, georgia, ri and i invaded seattle's best at paseo center, we just lazed around while pretending to read some magazines. i miss the out of town trips! i wish we could go somewhere else next weekend, vigan? bicol? sorsogon? pagodpod? ok even hongkong and singapore would do i guess.

hohum its past 2 in the afternoon. and i have nothing to do, idle hands are the devil's workshop, i might as well review for the sun certification, maybe another piece of paper will add meaning to my life hehe. i'm looking forward to dinner at heaven and eggs tonight with the gang and maybe a movie afterwards. i hope babsy arrives soon to bring home my lanzones =) yum!

and that's a day in the life of a bum. =)

last night i listened to some songs on my new mobile jukebox, well actually i was listening to just one melody by nick drake that was on eternal repeat. it's from the soundtrack of serendipity. somehow, whenever i hear this song, it brings me back to that one midnight two years ago: with too much vodka sitting on my head, riding at the back of a car, and chasing the sunrise on the sandy beaches of mactan, i told myself "i would like to feel this way again", foolish and giddy, happy and hopeful. these are such elusive feelings, it's so much easier to just be empty.

"I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.

It's been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long that I'm blown
It's been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye."

- northern sky, nick drake

i finally found the one. =) got my w800i last sunday after our 2 hour badminton game. the fatigue messed up with my logical and frugal self until i finally gave in to the dark side. at last, my dream phone, yey!!

last weekend i finished watching season 1 of desperate housewives, thanks to jules for the dvd copy =) the viewing marathon gave me a headache but the hilarious episodes were worth the while, i hope there's still a next season to look forward to.

today, i had lunch at racks with my former classmate in malate catholic school. it's been a long time since we last saw each other - 13 years to be exact. time flies so fast, where do all the years go?

this is about the adventures of a caregiver who is driven by the guilt of abandoning her father in his dying days. it got her into a lot of trouble and ultimately led to her demise.

great acting, good plot, and a nice twist in the end, sppoky!! but basically it just boils down to these facts:

1. you can't undo your past mistakes,
2. live a guilt free life =) and
3. don't agree to live in big creepy houses even if they offer you $1000 a week.


where: Greenbelt 3 Cinema 2
when: Friday, 19 August 2005. 10:20 p.m.

"Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable"

it was a hectic weekend. met up with emman and the gang last friday at max brenner after watching skeleton key. then proceeded to uplb the next day to visit babs, and back again that evening to makati to attend this house party at monette's pad. i was too tired to lift a finger so i decided not to go. ria's drunken antics has become a legend by now. they should ban texting/calling while drinking. i almost fell off my chair laughing when zet shared the text message she received from ri that night hehe.

i'm looking for a new place, the evil neighbor whom i shall aptly call as cruella devil had some post-its again on my door. she is worst than my high school principal, noticing everything from my guests' shoes to my hair to the food i cook. and when i say notice i mean she says mean things about it. she even accuses me of dumping garbage on the front door. gosh! it must be pretty tough growing old alone. here's her profile: mid 40's to early 50's, lives alone in a 56 sq. m. one bedroom pad beside ours, separated from her husband, lost custody over her 2 children, who visits her once a month, spends all of the day shouting to someone on her cellphone or bullying the door man, receptionist, janitor and all people at the condo. i wish she would just jump out of the window and end her misery. or else i just might give her a little push. arrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!!! i bought two newspapers looking for other options and i called my broker. anything but this hell please, i can't accomodate any more challenges to my already nerve wracking life.

"But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you"

-track: sunday morning, maroon 5-

witty dialogue, light comedy, amusing situations, totally predictable plot except for the last scene where the girl has to swim across the lake to get the man of her dreams. overall this is a fun, warm, and feel good movie, i recommend you don't watch it with bitter single women =) or guys who think john cusack is gay, so as not to ruin the effect hehe,

my friend let me borrow the novel where this film was based, she said the swim scene at the end was not in the book. thank god.


where: Greenbelt 3 Cinema 2
when: Wednesday, 17 August 2005. 8:50 p.m.

i woke up yesterday with a high fever so i decided to just curl up all day and read back issues of time magazine. it was information overload right down to the core. at least it took my mind off my lesser worries. here are the things i learned:

1. yuan was reevaluated and increased 2.1% in value which produced mixed effects on china's export sector.
2. bush is turning a blind eye on karl rove's exposition of a covert cia operative.
3. free aceh movement promised to lay down arms and help rebuild aceh after the tsunami.
4. london is enlisting the help of spain and france in cracking down the terrorist network in their countries.
5. john cusack is still single. jude law is a philanderer. nicole kidman is doing another movie, this time it's about werewolves.

and that's how i cured my monday sickness.

this film is a major nose twitching event. i will not dignify it with a review. as i left the theater, i remember looking under the seats for my IQ.


where: Greenbelt 3 Cinema 4
when: Saturday, 13 August 2005. 9:50 p.m.

this is a pathetic attempt for a triolet. i should have created two different rhyme schemes but the rest is still stuck inside me. i'll do better next time.
there are dragonflies across that hill
  each of them finding a way to heal
  if only i could teach them how to feel
there are dragonflies across that hill
  the wind put them there against their will
  they dont make a sound but their pains are real
there are dragonflies across that hill
  each of them finding a way to heal

08.12.2005.1.51.p.m.

i think i can finally write again. something was taken away from me and i just can't let it go. in real life i will eventually let it go. i just have to. or at least i need to put a mask and show them that it doesnt affect me at all. but in my alternate reality i need to write it all down in order to forget and move on.

it would have been easier if some unknown faceless thief took it away from me, but to actually have someone in your own backyard do that, it's quite irreparable. the real life me just smile it away or cover it up with jokes. they will never know how it digs a hole in me. emptying me. filling me with nothing.

hey g, if you're reading this, thanks for your sms last time. yeah $h!+ happens. i just can't believe this is happening to me. pinch me again. i need to wake up from this bad dream.

just because you saw the moon first doesn't mean its yours. even if you've landed on it or carved your name on its surface, it's still no guarantee. well not unless the moon winked at you and relinquished its rightful place in the heavens. which i dont see happening in this lifetime or the next. so what's the point really?

nothing. i've always associated the moon with things or people i could never have. thats why i used to write lots of moon poems back in college, it was like a tribute, an offering to the gods that be to let me have this one wish. i did have it eventually but only in borrowed time. and the price i had to pay was far too much for what i bargained for. the moon took it back all too soon and left me with what i started with. which was nothing really.

today i feel like another star was plucked from my sky. yes i saw it first, but so what? if i were the only person on this hill i could own it and say its mine, none would be the wiser. but im not the only person on this hill, and my star is too brilliant to stay in the night sky unnoticed. im selfish. i dont want to share it, so i'm letting it go. maybe i'll find another spot and chart a comet or something, i just dont want to see that dream anymore, it breaks my heart everytime. and i hide my feelings too well, i dont even know it but im actually bleeding.

goodbye my orion, you've served your purpose, you once were that one bright spot in my otherwise dull existence. thank you for being exactly that. i couldnt ask for more.

i've been trying to write a decent triolet last night before i went to bed. it was awful. im now more than ready to admit that my poetic license has been revoked. still, i'll be posting some stuff tomorrow, just to fill up the empty spaces.

This is from the great Thomas Hardy:

How great my grief, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee!
- Have the slow years not brought to view
How great my grief, my joys how few,
Nor memory shaped old times anew,
Nor loving-kindness helped to show thee
How great my grief, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee?.

i miss the poetry challenges at our old mailing list.. this is why i'm not so keen in writing anymore.. how ironic, when you have all the free time in the world, you sometimes don't want to do anything at all.

children's games are becoming weirder every day. i just read this article at cnn and it sounded like something straight from a stephen king novel. where do they get these ideas?

met up with edgar, ria, vincent and georgia last night. we had dinner at sentro and talked a lot about what's new in cebu and in each others' lives. it was more like an update on what we've missed so far..

while walking towards glorietta, gar asked this question: "if you were to choose right now, would you still choose this over the one you left behind there?". it was a no brainer, i would still choose what i have now. there's no point looking back, there's nothing left there, just empty shells. at this point in my life, i don't have room for regrets. i only wish i could make time go faster.

in a way, grown ups also play the choking game.

"moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other."

this is definitely one of the best movies i've seen this year. can't wait to get a copy of the soundtrack =).

In The Deep
by Bird York

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon
but something happens
don't see it coming,
now you can't stop yourself
now you're out there swimming
in the deep

Life keeps tumbling
your heart in circles
till you let go
till you shed your pride
and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off
now you're out there spinning
in the deep



the dialogues are so real and full of life. it's humanity at its rawest form, tackling race, poverty, and the american dream that almost everyone else want to take a piece of. this is one of those films you would wish everyone else should watch, but sadly only a few would actually appreciate its message.


where: Greenbelt 3 Cinema 4
when: Saturday, 6 August 2005. 6:50 p.m.

i'm again in the middle of the crossroads, this is why i don't follow up things. i don't know what i'd do when i actually get them. nah, i'm not making sense. i guess i should try to be less resistant to the unknown, after all the rest of the world is moving on. and going to rhein-erft. i should at least try and get up from this mud too.

for lack of anything else to blog about, i'm stealing this blog profile from ri hehe =) this is what mine says:

Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical

You blog like no one else is reading... You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose. Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily. But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

warum habe ich dieses gefühl?
gehen sie nicht.

i used to sit under this big tree, waiting for the sun to set. i loved watching sunsets. it reminded me that another day is over. the various array of colors parrading before my eyes gave me a sense of peace. maybe i was sad then, they say that one likes to watch the sunset when one is so sad.

tonight i will sit under this tree and watch you leave. i don't like to see you go away, but that's how our story always unfolds.. we just take turns in the endless cycle of leaving and being left behind. i always knew you were meant to fly so i won't weep this time. you never did clip my wings when i once tried to reach for the sky. but as you pack your bags one last time, i only have one wish, please take the colors of sunset with you. i don't want to be sad anymore.

auf wiedersehen.

last night we went to the other side of town to subject ourselves to torrential rain, muddy streets and clueless foreign aggressors. hehe talk about masochism. these are the things we do to make things work. to live better. to survive.

i just came across an article at inq about the centennial celebration of filipino migrants in hawaii. we've actually been doing this for a long time -- leave our country for the land of milk and honey. and now, a hundred years later, it's no different. only this time we've become much more desperate and they've become a lot less welcoming. i wonder how long this vicious cycle will go on before we can be enlightened.

today i'm down with a flu. and i have the rain to blame for my sudden burst of insight.

is it just me or does j.k. rowling just love killing off her characters. especially the ones getting too close to harry. i hate the love teams that formed in this book, and all the snoggling. this will soon be a pg-13 book hehe.

it was a great read, but that long for a sequel doesn't make magic anymore. i hope the next one will come soon. im definitely going to enjoy the movie version of this,


title: harry potter and the half blood prince
author: j.k. rowling

got an aoc lm721a for babs =) i like the minimalistic all black design. im thinking of swapping monitors hehe.

last night was hectic. i met up with 4 guys at around 6pm, 8pm, 10pm and 11:30pm. nah, its not what you think. it wasn't speed dating. i purchased some tech items online and yesterday was the delivery date of four of them. my room mate was saying: "this one looks better than the last", and no she wasn't talking about the gadgets. hahaha! i hope she doesn't get to read this, she'll kill me. literally. hehe.

ma closed a big deal in cebu last night. i hope she meets her targets this year. and i hope we can spend the holidays together.

still on the pochero quest, we had dinner at max's last night. the nilagang baka doesn't quite fit the bill. i will probably go to cebu next month just to satisfy this craving =)

after you've watched the trailer of this movie, you won't be surprised anymore by its plot. i wish film teasers wouldn't divulge the rest of the story, otherwise what is left for us to look forward to?

humans were never really meant to live a simple life. they easily get bored with climate controlled environments where all they do is eat, sleep, exercise and wear white tracksuits and puma shoes. they need to be chased around by helicopters and men with big guns in order to have more meaning in their lives.. more importantly, they prefer black matrix like costumes.


where: Glorietta 1 Cinema 2
when: Thursday, 22 July 2005. 10:10 p.m.

"i wish i could write better, but somehow along my past i have lost all the eloquence i thought i possesed. i can't write a single poem even if my life depended on it... i can't even remember any that i ever wrote...

life is funny, i am funny, and beyond that i know nothing else..

whenever i allow myself to wallow in emotions i just end up hurting myself or others..

and i don't want to hurt you anymore... " - Sunday, March 02, 2003 8:40 PM

slept at 2am today. i reinstalled all the apps and drivers on my sotec afina pc. i bought this three years ago in fukuoka when i was on aots. it still works fine, i just need an antenna to see which channels the tv tuner can receive. good thing ri lent me one today =)

hohum, i really want to get rid of old stuff in my room. i hope i can find a home for this real soon. babsy doesn't want a desktop pc, he prefers something portable like his current laptop. =( i'm going to miss my silver blue setup.

yuck gave me another teddy bear last night, eww! i hate stuffed toys. they are totally useless, they remind me of this one time... ooppss, i want it to stay forgotten. rm -rf *

last night i was craving for cebu's pochero so yuck and i ended up having bulalo at dencio's. it's blech! it doesn't even come close to what i expected. i'll probably just cook my own version when i visit LB again next month.

boohoo i'm still not finished with hp, what with all these distractions called life. hehe

i'm torn between buying the mac mini 1.42 or the powerbook g4. ok, i know, no one's really pressuring me to buy any of those, especially now that the number of electronic items in my room already outnumber the people actually living there. i don't know, maybe i'm just OC in getting all these stuff, they make me happy for a while. then i get tired of them and dispose them just as fast.

i just got my dvi-vga connector and the board tune up came out fine, at last i'll be able to check if the tv tuner on my other cpu is still ok. hmm, that reminds me, i need to purchase an antenna. too bad most of the sockets in the pad are not working because of the burnt fuse, this will limit my *experiments*.

im halfway through HBP, it annoyed me that when i logged on to ym, i saw my friends' status message: "--- is dead, --- the half blood prince killed him". grrr! that ruined it all for me hehe =) oh well, i think rowling is killing off her characters one by one, who could be next?

yuck is coming to treat me out to dinner tonight, i wonder what stories he would tell.

di sent me a copy of her latest poem: ode to the moon, i am without words =)

yes, i am one of them. just got my copy today and i'm still halfway through chapter four so this blog will be abandoned until i finish the book hehe.

went to LB last weekend to visit babsy. his room looks and smells like a tropical jungle, so many things scattered here and there, i wouldn't be surprised if i found a snake under his bed. i could vaguely recall how i survived my room back in college which was twice as disorganized as his. after clearing up the mess formerly called his pad, we visited the rice fields of UP and bought ice cream at the AH dairy store.

i miss college. why did it end all too soon? i didn't even say a proper goodbye.

ysilona posted some nice rhymes on her site, i wish i too could find my pen soon.

is it true that no matter which choices we take, some things are just bound to happen? well that's a comforting thought (i think), at least you wouldn't have to go on and on about what you did wrong or what you could have done. just live the moment, live each day as if it were your last, and let the people who matter to you know how much you care for them. this is the message of this film. "if only she had taken the bus" =p


where: Greenbelt 3 Cinema 5
when: Wednesday, 13 July 2005. 7:20 p.m.

once again, the rest of the nation has taken to the streets to topple a leader. it gets old really. i would been one of them if not for the fact that there is no likely successor who is fit to take the job. so that's what we do really, let the lesser evil reign, it's always the choice between the devil and the deep blue sea. the devil always wins.

i don't think it will be any different a decade from now. we are a crumbling society, we don't even have our own culture. i'm not even speaking in my own tongue. i am doomed. we all are.

in an effort to declutter my desk at home, i disposed my 17 inch crt monitor and bought a viewsonic ve700 instead =) i just had it delivered last night and so far i'm loving its crisp displays when playing nfsu2, gta and sims 2. i also tested it with my dvd collection and it's been doing really well. i love its wide viewing angle, i could almost see myself motivated into studying for the scjp, nyahaha, yeah right =p

on other news, the anti-GMA rallies have converged along ayala avenue again, for the nth time. it looks like a street party everyday. all intersections are blocked and every underpass is closed. when i asked a friend about thoughts on our nation's current political turmoil, i was greeted with this reply: "i'm practicing apathy". i hope the rest of the nation won't turn into stone and be like that.

this is a movie about reluctant heroes.. coming to terms with their new found powers. basically they didn't save the world from any evil conqueror or invading aliens. they saved the world from themselves =)


where: Greenbelt 3 Cinema 1
when: Friday, 8 July 2005. 10:30 p.m.

once upon a time i used to work at the 39th floor of a tall building along paseo de roxas. it was a structured place of security cards and coat and ties. i sat in a room with big windows looking out across ayala avenue. it was my dream workplace.

when i was young i told my mom that someday i would work in one of the tallest buildings in makati, it doesn't matter if i was only a window washer or a satellite cleaner, as long as i could stand up there and look at the rest of the city like little toys in my kuya's lego collection.
my wish came true last year. i was happy for a while. but i doubt if we human beings were really meant to be happy and contented with the little dreams we used to strive for back when we were kids. maybe we are designed to be a little bit discontented with everything. discontentment after all is the forerunner of innovation. yada yada!

anyway, i left my dream three months ago. and not once did i look back. up to now people from up there are calling me to go back, to give it another chance, to make things work. but i don't want to make ends meet anymore. i have to concede, being a window washer is lots of fun, i enjoyed the view, it was good while it lasted. but maybe i'm just not meant to be in high places. perhaps for once, i should put both my feet on the ground.. and stay there.

this rhyme is for the silver bench that still sits on that building's lobby, waiting for more guests to share their stories.

"this silver bench, a solemn thing
of empty promises and broken wings
of tears we cry and joys we sing
and mournful sighs that heart break brings"
04.08.2004.7:03.p.m.

today is my mom's birthday. i wish we could spend the day together as a family but that has become a big impossibility these days. my younger brother is in college at uplb, my older brother is staying with my pop somewhere out there, and i'm here stuck in the city of spires. well, these are the things we do to make things work for all of us. and it's been the best setup for now.

i remember reading about fractured families and throw away society back in college. alvin toffler's future shock said it all: (the family is) "the giant shock absorber of society - the place to which the bruised and battered individual returns after doing battle with the world, the one stable point in an increasingly flux-filled environment”

i hope to have something to come home to someday.

to fill up my weekly dose of buttered popcorn, i had to endure this movie. =) and it was actually fun. the leading man couldn't be anymore perfect - a rich, kind, good looking surgeon, and he's not gay (movie insider joke). what more could you ask for? you can forget reality under your seats in this film..


where: Glorietta 1 Cinema 4
when: Sunday, 3 July 2005. 05:20 p.m.

met up with the newly weds maian and jmox at mylk gb3. they just finished their philippine tour and on the way back to hometown cebu =). we had fun shuffling from powerbooks live to capezio, taking about old friends and moving on in between books and ballet shoes. they looked so happy together.

later that day i had my hair cut. too much happiness is intoxicating hehe.

"this isn't a war, it's an extermination", so says one of the characters in the movie. its really the visuals that saved this film. the ferriers are psychotic, and in the end the invaders died as quickly as they arrived. it was too convenient that all of the main characters survived. i give it 4 stars for the effects, -1 star for the script, and .5 star for being a spielberg movie =)
 

where: Greenbelt 1 Cinema 2
when: Wednesday, 29 June 2005. 09:00 p.m.

my younger brother just got a free digital camera from his time asia magazine subscription. it's nothing fancy really, a milion megapixels says the box and doubles as a webcam too. it's about the size of a thick ballpen, perfect for taking low quality pics and runs on 2 AAA batteries. i tried using it once or twice but the shots came out as crap! i finally gave it up and concluded that the device is cheap, puny, and low tech hehe talk about sour graping.

babs, on the other hand got so into it these past few days that he just can't help but take pictures of every scene, he brings the puny thing with him everywhere - while going shopping, picking up the laundry, or even when taking out the trash.. i must admit, his shots look quite ok though, that camera really hates me a lot or maybe babsy has a future in photography after all. hehe.

i'm back on track with my addiction to sims 2. simply said, i'm spending wee hours of dawn playing that darn game again =) well, i realized that it's better that way than just wasting my time staring at the imaginary stars on my ceiling. so far i've invaded veronaville and twisted the built in romeo and juliet love story, =) i've added 3 universities and i'm now on to my next project, building a multi story dormitory / condo. tsk tsk now this is escapism.

on saturday, i'll be going to gilmore with the beetle to shop for a desktop pc. yey! another sims 2 convert in the making.

tomorrow will be MYMP at the tavern. i'd really love to go but i might have some last minute appointments to follow up..

my roommate just bought a voucher for the scjp, i wish i could be a little less lazy and muster up the guts to get one too.

i have this eating disorder. the *once-you-pop-you-can't-stop* kind of syndrome. i'm trying to control it before i turn into godzilla and eat the entire building. i'm going to start my healthier eating lifestyle tomorrow. wahahaha! procrastination!

gotta go. the real world is waiting. =)

 
 
 
probably the best batman movie to date, dark and realistic. i would have given it 5 stars if not for the weird batman voice hehe
 

where: Greenbelt 1 Cinema 1
when: Sunday, 26 June 2005. 03:20 p.m.

this is all ria's fault =p she's the one who asked me to open the pandora's box looking for emails to prove that she wasn't hallucinating the past hehe. anyway, i found something entirely different.

i must admit i was such an anger ball. and maybe i still am. perhaps that's why people at my first job alienated me. i was a walking ticking time bomb, full of angst and hate and bitterness. i was literally seeing red and fuming mad, all day, everyday, for 2 years. that was my way of coping up with loss - wrath.

on the other hand, i found some nice piece of advice to a friend from way back:

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2001 3:10 PM

These are the things we do for love: suffer in silence and wait in vain; give our hearts away..

And what about the happiness? of what was and what has been? or what could never be?keep it. light it up when you're alone. play it back like a phonograph. truly it has gone, and it hurts to remember, but then, hurting is not worst thing in life.. forgetting is.

And what of pain, of sorrow, of bitterness? throw it away like pebbles on the seashore. so you can walk upon it with stronger feet and lighter heart. tomorrow the soles of your shoes will have better wear, and it will hurt to go on walking.. but the journey never stops, and the map of life unfolds endlessly. we shouldn't give up so easily.

And mistakes? there are no mistakes. life has no mistakes. i think it was James Redfield who said that there are no accidents in life. all things are meant to be.. experiences happen because there are lessons to be learned from them. failing to analyze an experience means losing the opportunity to learn from it.. we meet people because they have a message for us. ignoring them means losing the chance to hear that message.

Now what then? what of the future? what of tomorrow? i dont know. and i doubt if anybody else knows too. but you know what? that is where life's beauty is, in having to stand up each time you fall, in having to learn from mistakes, in having to meet the people whom we can totally share ourselves with.. and yes in having to let go..

there is beauty in waking up to a morning that is filled with promises. it is wonderful to know what the next page of the story unfolds.

well, in short, it's not the end of the world. there's life out there, in mars or in pluto maybe =) and im sure everything will turn out right in the end.

and losing? dont worry about losing anything or anyone.

nothing is ever lost..
nothing that cant be found.

-----End of Message-----

Dear God, I want to be healed. Please take away all this anger.

when i was 12 a love bird flew into the window of my room and rested on my desk. i was doing my assignments then and i was surprised by this sudden apparition. at first the avian and i just stared at each other, wondering if either of us was an illusion, until finally i decided to test reality. i slowly reached out my hands and cuffed it in my palm. it was real! a real live love bird from some neighbor's cage has accidentally escaped and reached our two story house. i took it to my mom and asked her if i could keep it. she said love birds would die of sorrow if they sit in a cage all alone, she proposed that i give it away to one of my cousins who had a pair of love birds so that it would have some company at least.

i was stubborn (i still am), i decided to keep it anyway. i placed it in a makeshift cage and fed it breadcrumbs (i didnt even know if it was supposed to eat that) i was thinking of naming it petrie after that dinoasaur in land before time, it sounded neutral, after all i didnt know if my pet was a male or a female nor did i know how to figure out its gender.

two days later, i noticed petrie looked sick. i took it out of its cage and let it rest on the desk where it first landed. it hopped once or twice then just stood there very very still, looking at me intently, as if asking me what plans i have for it. i remembered what my mom said. maybe petrie was sad and wanted company. with a heavy heart, i picked it up with my index finger and whispered "i don't know how or why you came into my life, but i'm not ready to take care of you yet. i don't know how. and i don't want to see you sad either. so i have to let you go. i'm sure the place where you'll be going will be much nicer. you'll find lots of friends there. you won't be lonely anymore."

the next weekend my mom took petrie to my cousin's place and left it there. i didn't bother to come with her. i hate goodbyes.

after that episode, i was engrossed with other school stuff and i soon forgot about everything until my mom informed me that petrie died from something i did not quite understand, probably a disease it caught from the other birds. i was mad! if it was going to die anyway, i should have just kept it instead. on the other hand, would i prefer to have seen it die right before my eyes? i don't know.

this is probably one of my earliest lessons about letting go. yet up to now, a dozen years later, i still haven't learned much.

it's hard to fathom the reasons why things happen, or if things really happen for a reason at all, maybe we are just playing dice and no matter how hard we blow our wish on our palms, it doesn't really affect the probability of getting a double six or a double one.

my friend's father passed away seven hours ago. only a few days after her wedding. he seemed very much alive and happy two days ago as he escorted her to the altar. then today happened. she said that he has been sick for a long time now and it seemed he just waited for her to get married. i told her that at least one of his last memories is that he saw her walk off to a bright future.

sometimes i wonder what the future holds for me and for the people i love. i often lay awake on late nights wondering if what i did today would drastically change what might happen tomorrow. but most times i just try to comfort myself by thinking that today is yesterday's future, and so far, despite all my mistakes and all the things i tried to do right, it hasn't been that bad, yet. and even if they do crumble and fall to pieces, i can always choose to take the dice, wish hard, and let it roll again.

"Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds — and done a hundred things " - John Gillespie Magee, Jr., High Flight

i've revisited the words that have defined me through the years, and somehow i've earned a new found purpose. i would like to try again. start from ground zero and watch everything reach sky high. there may be no silver lining after all, no cosmic realizations, no mind shattering truth or life altering discoveries, but at least i tried.

i just need to be whole again. i need to write and feel the ink lined pages of my passage through time. i still believe that pain is not the worst thing in the world, forgetting is...

i cant look back at my past and feel that pain again. no, im much too numb for that. all i come across with these days are flashbacks that i can easily discard into that far corner of my mind with one blink. im not concerned about this emptiness, this lack of purpose, this bitter taste in my mouth when i think of things i dare not recall, im more worried about growing old and holding those memories imprisoned inside my heart. i am probably going crazy, yes surely.

the other day, i told my friend that i cant write anymore, my life has come to a stand still, i have succeeded in perfectly isolating myself from the world around me. thus i have nothing to write about. nothing ever really happens anymore. i dont notice those tiny details that used to be big moments when i shared them with someone special. i lost that listener, and so i have lost my words.

how does one continue this vicious cycle of waking, walking, living, and sleeping in this horribly meanigless place?

"Sometimes, hope can bear a terrible price. (Hope is a frivolous concept. Life, after all, is a terminal condition from the very start, isn’t it?)"
- quote from asylumnation -

had dinner with batman at t.g.i. friday's in glorietta. no kidding, he was really there - mask, cape and all =) he's a bit skinny though, his costume was kinda loose.

i'm supposed to be flying off to cebu this weekend, i have to attend a friend's wedding on monday.. but i'm not going, i can't. i don't really know why. i just can't seem to make myself go back there, there's nothing to come home to. it's such a sad place with bitter memories.

i miss wookie though..

i've been having trouble getting some sleep these past few days, i'm probably bothered by something i can't quite figure out yet. i hope friday will offer more resolutions to these issues.

on other news, i finally watched the first episode of numb3rs. i miss calculus. i wish i could go back to solving equations, at least those things have a formula that i can follow.

i'm so lost. i need to find my way soon.

sadako look alike ghost. neat camera angles. polaroids. suicide. lies. what more can you ask for in asian horror flicks?


where: Glorietta 4 Cinema 7
when: Wednesday, 15 June 2005. 06:30 p.m.

got myself a new toy =) and i guess that's reason enough to start a new blog hehe. i don't want to jinx this by saying "i hope this one lasts longer", so let's just talk about my ibook instead..


i bought this online a few weeks ago and i'm loving it more every minute. there are tons of useful apps online and most of them are free. my favorite so far are:

        1. Audacity - open source audio recorder and editor.
        2. OneCard - freeware Uno card game.
        3. Nvu - open source html editor

what do i love about mac os? that would be the power of linux and the eye candy of win xp all rolled into one powerful machine. more updates later..

  this movie gives a whole new meaning to the term "cariño brutal" =)

   
  where: Greenbelt 1 Cinema 2.
  when: Thursday, 09 June 2005. 09:20 p.m.

my friend is settling down. no, she’s not getting married. she’s going back to the guy she dumped sometime ago. no, not because she realized she loved him after all but more because her prospective quasi-perfect could-have-been guy left her high and dry. she’s exhausted of all the bad dates that her friends and family line up for her. she’s tired of all the nagging "you still don’t have a boy friend?" questions. she’s weary and jaded and i believe a tiny drop of rain could actually shatter her to pieces. tough luck for her, the rainy month of june is right around the corner. i don’t really blame her, she just can’t go through another emotional investment into some unknown enterprise that promises to be the best thing that ever happened to you, only to wake up one day that it has closed shop and filed for bankruptcy. so, anyway, that’s why she’s going back to her ex. because at least she already knows his moods, his ins and outs. she won’t be nastily surprised anymore. she’s been acquainted with his good and bad sides already, and she knows how to deal with it, how to make it work.

my friend is settling down. somehow saying it over and over again still doesn’t sound right. i can’t believe that the same girl with unruffled feathers who i met way back then is finally accepting defeat. she has conceded that there are no more good guys out there. why do we settle? maybe it just comes with age. maybe we are walking time bombs or grocery items with expiry dates. we go out into the world with dignity and purpose and dreams of belonging to nice homes. but once our expiry dates loom over, we throw away all that we once lived for, or fought for, or believed in, and we just concentrate on that one thing — to be sold, to belong.. to anywhere, to anyone. it doesn’t matter what we were made for or what we think we deserve. we are commodities with deadlines. the only thing that matters now is that we don’t get left out in the shelf alone, unsold, unloved.

why do we settle? because being alone is much more frightening than being with someone whom we don’t truly love. because we believe that love like any other language can be learned over time, with enough patience and perseverance. the rest can be endured. everything else except loneliness and the frightful weariness of solitude.

.

.

a quote like this is only good as forwarded sms, it is rarely applied in real life:

"it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones"

i’ve been meaning to ask you that for the longest time, you always seem to know so much about things, well not really, but at least you pretend to. you once told me about love, and how it weaves around everything, even the things we cannot see. i never understood what it meant, but i wanted to believe it, i wanted to believe you.

today i wish i could run across wet fields and feel love weave around me, even if for only a second. i wish i could feel again.. and when finally i do, i’ll know heaven isn’t that far away.

i am the loneliness falling on side streets
the one you pick up on long walks home
i keep you company and walk with you
when noone else will or wanted to

i hold your hand and let your tired soul
rest itself by my equally lonesome side
as we find comfort from the dying sun
and wait for the restless shining stars

i am the loneliness falling on soiled sheets
the one you tuck away under your bed
i dry your tears every single night and day
and hum sweet lullabyes while you sleep

i am the loneliness who lets you go
out into the vast cruel world alone
to meet that other lonely soul waiting
for you to make them whole once more

ndg.03.11.2005.10.49.a.m.

i skipped a lot of things and found a new venue for my writings =)

friends came and went, events and places became a blur of unfeeling after all the emotions have passed.

today and for however long i can make it work, i will be on detox.

might or might not be updating this anytime soon.

the beauty of the world is in the randomness and uncertainty that people impose on themselves