i wake up.
i eat my breakfast.
i take a shower.
i do my errands.
i go to the gym.
i sit at my favorite couch at the coffee shop and order burnt rice green tea.

sometimes i play billiards or badminton or kart racing with my brothers. sometimes the family is complete and we have dinner together.

before i sleep, i read two chapters from the bible and a short story from one of my favorite local writers.

i rarely check my email nor go online, the real world turns and i spin in place. i've been doing this for the past five days and yet it feels like a lifetime. i see the same old places but no familiar face greets me. i feel lost.

tomorrow i will wake up. i will eat my breakfast. i will take a shower. the real world will do another 360, and i will still be here, missing the people who used to walk these streets with me, who are now scattered around the world, away from here.

and this is why i know i need to write myself away in words and wish i was homeless again.

Once upon a time I fell in love - the mad, blind, irrational and passionate kind. It happened unexpectedly as all great loves do. I didnt look for it, it just found me while I was busy with the mundanities of living.

I never really knew what it was until it was staring right in front of me. I tried to deny it, push it away, paint it with stipes hoping to make the hippotamus look like a zebra. But it just washed itself, shook its head and stubbornly stayed. Nothing made sense until I admitted that I was in love.

We kissed then lightning crashed on that damp rainy night, and that's how I knew that as much as I wanted to keep this feeling, this high, this heaven, I didnt want to risk losing the person that brings it. Friendship survives holocausts, other relationships crumble. I had to let it go.

So I went away, I made excuses, it was crushing, it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that will never heal no matter how many centuries it took. It was stupid, but it was the right thing to do. At rare times when I allow myself to feel, the wound still hurts,

That was 5 years ago, I coasted through life since then and made myself believe that I was fine. Found new people who entrusted their hearts to me but I never kept them. The spark never came back, something was always missing.

Sometimes when all is quiet I would weep and look back at the path I chose, then I would blink the tears away and reassure myself that I made the right decision.

Tonight the ghosts rose from the grave to haunt me, and taunt me and tell me what I would have otherwise missed if I had stayed. But I am too far down the road and I have learned to live with the pain for as long as I can remember that it doesnt seem to matter anymore. I have become contented with the role I chose to play in your life.

I feel a twinge as I read your words - of a new found love, of the same old feeling - but you have become nothing more than my idea of heaven, that place where dreams are made of, I know that's the best we can ever be - kindred souls. The half that makes me whole.

I will always love you M, and I will always let you go. I hope she makes you happy, I would never wish anything less for you.

I miss you, I miss the way my hand fit yours, and for me, that has always been enough in this lifetime.

Goodbye. Hello ;)

met up with the vip's at shangrila - my cousin kat, her beau j, my former workmate venn and i sampled the ridiculously overpriced menu while we watched my other cousin neriz and her friend sing on stage. we were like groupies after each set, the celebrities would sit at our table and entertain us with anecdotes. it was a fun night cap to an otherwise hectic day - buying things i need to bring back, waiting in line to claim papers and going back and forth to the office to submit the documents. still need to go back tomorrow for the med exam then i should be done and ready to have a worry free vacation;

the taxi cab is my best friend again these days, as i shuffle my self between that faraway place called work and the tiny bubble i temporarily call my home. one of the drivers talked to me today and told me how his friend has been a victim of a stick up in that area where i was to be dropped off. made me realize how dangerous it could be to be stranded there at night so i made sure to finish everything before night fall.

with my friends either busy with work or sick of it, i spent the day alone with my thoughts while looking at shop windows. events that unraveled these past few days have been both enlightening and disappointing for me. it made me realize that deceit and danger lurk in the most unexpected places and people despite their good intentions always end up doing the wrong things. this reminded me of what my friend said a while back: "it's not always about manipulation when you lie to get what you want, sometimes it's just self preservation, a twisted act of selfish love.. hell is paved with good intentions"

after three days of stepping in between shadows of buildings, i've mastered the art of not getting toasted by the sun's humid rays. finished shuffling papers and checks between embassy, banks, offices and notary public, i'm almost done with my errands, except for the medical stuff, security clearance and other things to buy. haven't met up with the vips - my cousins and friends, or whoever's left of them that's still here. i've already used up a week, can't wait for the rest of my vacation to unfold in sunny cebu.

food has got to be the highlight of this trip - got a taste of my favorites - oysters, prawns, crabs.. yum! it compensated for all the calories i burned while running to catch the schedules of the places i need to go to.

as i retire each night on my room at the 26th floor, i can't help but marvel at the lights of the city - the place i've called home since my first day at nursery. it used to be all trees and tall grasses in this part of town, now everything has been replaced by parking lots and malls. suddenly, i feel misplaced, uprooted, homeless...

though mornings greet me with a magnificent view of the skyline, i've found that this dot on the map has lost its meaning for me. i've found relevance somewbere else, and soon i will have to say goodbye for good as i grow my roots away from here.

flight from vancouver arrived at 9pm and now stuck at hk airport waiting for food shops to open because i'm starving.. turns out my 40c$ is 288hk$ according to the ticker at travelex, enough to get me a popeye's cajun chicken (if only it were open) but apparently not even enough to buy an iphone case which costs 350hk$ (not that I eat cases for dinner, but why do tech shops stay open longer? they aren't necessities; or are they?). feasted my eyes on the new ultraportables at e3, that's all I can afford - to look at them. practiced my people skills and talked to random stranded passengers like me who have nothing but time to burn on a sunday night.


this is why people stay grounded - to have a warm bed to sleep on instead of airport lounges, to eat comfort foods instead of vacuum packed processed jerky, to have someone to say hi to late at night.. and yet i would never trade the stories of these people i've met in transit to any piece of bread right now. i'm gonna go grab a panini. ^_^

to complete the roundup of my desktop crew, i got a pair of dell a215 multimedia speakers by altec lansing. must admit the sound is pretty amazing, gives justice to my itunes playlist, and comes at a very reasonable price too.

also joining the cast is a logitech mx700, not the latest and greatest but couldn't wait for the wireless mighty mouse with dock charger, besides it has good reviews. haven't configured its software yet, it's still sitting on the cradle, charging the pair of energizer e2 aa's that i just loaded. hopefully one charge will last as long as that rabbit drummer hehe ^_^

now if i can only find time to make my awk work with windows, then the ensemble would be complete.

ultramon - sounds like that giant japanese superhero that fights monsters, oh wait thats ultraman. anyway. this handy little utility is great for customizing multiple monitor setup. i tried it just so i could have different wallpapers on my notebook and my lcd display - just upgraded my 196fp to an e228wfp - love the widescreen. looks like i'll be taking the smaller one home for use with my sotec.

more reasons to start watching my tv series collection, now showing: csi lv season 8.

finally found time to read a book despite my busy schedule while waiting for my delayed connecting flight in salt lake city. coelho's collection of thoughts and reflections is reminiscent of fulghum's anecdotes about daily life. it's a good read in between everyday's hustle and bustle.

bought this book 4 months ago at powerbooks gb3 and only got to open it last week. guess i do need to take 15 minutes of my day to ponder on the meanings and purpose of the roads i've chosen to take - may it be less travelled or the beaten path.. often i just trod on blindly and find myself lost in the tangled web.

it's never too late to start.

title: like the flowing river
author: paulo coelho

christmas morning found me at yvr waiting for my flight to san francisco which got delayed from 6am to 1pm because of a hurricane warning. not wanting to spend the rest of the day in transit, i opted to take the plane to los angeles instead.

getting off the plane, the first thing i noticed was the sun, i missed its warmth after being huddled up in snow for too long. met up with relatives and explored the terrains of simi valley. i want to live here, i've said the same of chicago and new york but this time i really feel it tugging at my heart. maybe because there's family here who gives me free hugs =).

didnt do the usual touristy stuff but i did manage to visit hollywood and stroll along the walk of fame. the days were filled with shopping and errands and catching up while the nights were overflowing with clubbing, pool, sangria, jager bomb, poker and more stories to fill my empty jar.

my favorite nook is on top of the hill of reagan library overlooking the canyons while watching the sunset. will definitely need to come back here.