i shall wait as this trembling river
meet the setting sun and the dark night
i shall wait for the stars, the moon,
the desolate willow to behold my plight.
and as the sparrow weeps its burning tears,
i shall let the shadows hide me from the years.

we have let our sad affair echo through the years
while the only witness is this lazy river
i have let you go while i wept with muted tears
as we surrender our innocence to the lonesome night
the stars smile to write the melody of our endless plight,
and the overture unfolds amidst the clouded moon

shield me from the darkness, my light, my moon
hide me from the wisdom of bygone years
let me not suffer the fallen angels' plight
who folded their wings to drown in this river
dont let me be lost in this cruel night
wash my pain and sorrow with heaven's tears

as this dark hour brings more tainted tears,
my damp eyes are outshined by the solitary moon
the angry sky curses this faithless night
with memories we've buried in forgotten years.
still i hear our song in this quiet river
mocking my fallen courage and our fateful plight

would the sunset remember the hopeless plight
of love gone lost in between unspent tears?
would you go back to hear this lonely river
cry out its pain to the stubborn moon?
will tomorrow find me seeking the wasted years
while yeaterday buries our woes in the distant night?

my soul is clenched by the sadness of the night
while the wind plays the mournful music of our plight
where did they go, all those passing years?
why did we shed all these fragile tears?
how did dark night claim our reveries from the moon
and spill our emptiness on the banks of this river?

the night holds no answers, only more silent tears
as our plight lay naked under the unforgiving moon
years will find me, alone once more, as the wind sweeps across this river


11.22.2003.10.33.a.m.

there's a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
a certain kind of farewell,
both real and imagined
a certain kind of sadness
that hangs about my closed eyes
a certain kind of emptiness
that fills my void heart

there's a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
the world goes by sepia toned
everything is so background noise
the certain kind of sadness
walks with me to the pantry,
when i fill my mug with water
and bring it close to my lips

there's a certain kind of sadness
that floats about the air today
maybe it's the way the clouds rolled by
or how the sun's rays filled the sky
there's a certain kind of loneliness
that wraps around my silent heart,
and i guess its because you're leaving
that's why this sadness floated by

11.22.2003.8.42.a.m.

im
walking
in
between
the
spaces
where
your
memory
falls
tonight

im
dreaming
in
between
the
promises
that
reminds
me
of
you
tonight

im
crying
in
between
the
drops
of
rain
that
screams
for
you
tonight

11.19.2003.03.28.a.m.

tell me more about letting go
i lack the wisdom to know such things

oui, ces't amour

the pale moon hides the darkness
against the fallen leaves

the rain stays deaf and heartless
at the melancholy it weaves

a tear or two drops gently
for yesterday's forgotten vows

as a butterfly rests so silently
while the gentle wind blows

and with its feigned indifferece
the night blindly unfolds

reciting this mournful cadence
for the budding love it molds

10.24.2003.2.51.p.m.

they say you're going home
you miss the dust, the traffic,
the rust colored smog, and
everything mundane that defines
the place we were born

and i just say i miss home,
the streets i ran away from,
the posts i played hide and seek with,
the bright lights, the gravel,
the stones, everything in between

but i belong nowhere, im a wanderer,
a homeless away from home,
and i stay here, just another port
among the nameless ports i've been,
counting the clouds of this alien city

you say you're going home soon,
for a week or two perhaps, good for you..
bring back a handful of stars from our sky,
a pocketful of dreams from the air,
bring back a piece of my home with you..

goodbye, take care, see you soon. =)

10.23.2003.4.53.p.m.

just one of those nights when a
    good night becomes a goodbye and
everything ends too soon
    one after another, like glass
reminded of its fragile corners.
    only 3am and half said words
invites this much space between us.
    dreams take on the feel of old age,
captured moments bleed away,
    between us - the long silence..
keep the stains of reality floating,
    yesterday is always too late,.

    even now, even after all this time.

10.13.2003.5.32.p.m.

you have gone
i must have forgotten
the angels took you
to become the clouds
to be one with the rain
to fall with my tears

yet you linger
in my waking and dreaming
i taste you every night
as i close my eyes
i cant sleep,
i never sleep

i cant spill you out of me

10.02.2003.1.41.p.m.

i was thinking of throwing my t68i out the window because hey, what's the use of being reachable when nobody really wants to reach you? nah, im not being overly sentimental again for not having any text message for the day, im just irked by this taxi driver who kept texting while driving me to the office, who could possibly want to text a half human, half iguana with a head full of fake hair? tsk, now im being cruel and bitter, bitter, bitter. very bad. this is what happens when i don't have Relevance.

R-I-I-I-N-NGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what?! and he gets calls while driving? waaaahhhhh!! nobody remembers me!!! hmmmmFF, i think i ought to change careers, i should continue my driving lessons next week so i can get a license before the year ends, then maybe next year i can be a fully pledged taxi driver, yeah right!! there i go again with my crap crap crap.

its almost 8:30, late again for the nth time this month, im beginning to really hate september, the lunatic broken hearts' people say that july is the best month of the year for romance, and september is when all hell breaks loose and things end, i wouldnt really know, maybe i just think too much, what is love anyway? its just 95% hype and 5% B.S.

"aarrgghhh! sorry miss i forgot to start the meter"

ah well, what a way to start the day, i gave him the perfunctory 40 bucks and got out of the cab.

heh! well at least his phone wasn't polyphonic!!!!!!!

i watch the clouds
fall into place
the world turns
uninterrupted
nobody knows my grief

09.25.2003.11.13.a.m.

my yahoo messenger status says "bug fixing in purgatory"

yep, that's how it feels like right now. the aircon is malfunctioning and is spewing out molten lava instead of cool air. the heat is unbearable, this almost reminds me of the 3,000 people in france who died of heat stroke. may their souls rest in peace.. dexter, my seatmate has taken off his shirt and i'm almost tempted to do the same =p but i know that would create quite a stir here in purgatory and they might decide to demote me and kick me straight to hell =)

six days to go and we'll be flying back home =) now, that's the only good thing im hanging onto these days, i miss my pillows, and i miss my stupid dog who never fails to put paw marks on my pants when i leave the house for work in the morning.

but most of all, i just simply can't stand this heat. if hell is like this, i better start doing good deeds from now on.. =p

i dont know why i write maybe im just one of those drama students on an impromptu acting assignment, where the world is their stage, and the roles they assume are the ones that fall from the back of their heads when they close their eyes to blink and think of their first line.

maybe i am like that, maybe i am superficial, i wear a mask when i write, i wear different colors, red, blue and black, sometimes i am naked and i let my heart bleed into the pages, sometimes i am ice and i freeze time in between phrases, but since my masks and my skin have become too entangled, i cannot take off my face and know for certain if it is me, if it's my story, my sadness, my grief..

i only truly write when i am homeless, when i am without roots and nobody holds me down and hugs me and tells me i am theirs, i belong to them and theirs for the keeping, i only truly write when i need to forget, because writing things down removes the burden from my mind, it removes the need to remember, because somewhere, in some obscure corner, it is written, it is immortalized in words, thus there is no need to have it forever stamped in my mind,

there is freedom when i write, i can dream, i can fly, i decide when to go, what to do, who to be with, and who/where/what to stay away from.. i can be real when i write, i can feel, truly feel. it's like looking at my reflection from a clear running water, it shows the ugliness, and all the sadness i keep behind my eyes.

i write of beauty, i write of pain, sometimes i write of all the ugly that is me, i write everything and nothing at all, because i have no meaning, my words are its own excuse for being. i never write about how it is to be happy, happy is a thought i keep locked away inside my heart, happy is something i dont want to forget, so i never want to write it down.. there are no words to describe great emotions, it is physical pain for me to try to capture moments in words that dont quite fit.. that is why happy stays at that remote place inside my heart, and therein it will stay for a long while more..

summer is almost over, and september is just around the corner... ah september, it will be a month of silence for me.. i will try to look for happiness falling down on side streets, and i will fill my pockets with it, i will not write it down lest i forget how it fills my lungs. i will be in hiatus, i will be looking over a cliff, deciding if i should jump into the chasm, or fly over it.. i will be quiet, i will be invisible, i will be without a voice, nor a footprint, i will stay this way till i find myself homeless again,

thank you for trying to make sense of me, the best that you can.. maybe one of these days you will find me walking beside you, you carrying your canvas, and me carrying my notebooks, i will share with you my words, my stories, and you can show your paintings to me =)

till then, i will be the soft voice at the tip of your tongue, and i will taste you when i close my eyes at night.


08.22.2003.2.38.p.m.j.p.t

it's summer here in tamagawa,

and the first thing i did was download this really nice song i first heard at the movie "the real cancun", it's simple plan's i dont wanna grow up. well yeah, I DO NOT WANT TO GROW UP. but s%$t happens, so here i am =p too old for turning back, too deep down the road to look back past the street signs i failed to take note of.,

what's new with this place? nothing really, just the heat that seems to flow about like trapped mercury in a bottle. it's 31 degrees celcius outside and the hot air permeates my skin too much that it's not enough to take a cold shower or drown my head in a bucket full of ice to cool me down.

not much work really yesterday, i just had to reinstall the os for the notebook assigned to be my personal friend for the rest of the 27 days left of my stay here. real grunt work started this morning, i was assigned to setup the solaris machines.. so what did i really miss today except for breakfast? not much, i'm still in denial =p reality sets in more slowly these days, like it takes days for things to finally sink in on me, sometimes i find myself saying "did i really do that?!?!" or "i said that!!!?!?!?". i'm probably stoned most of the times or they slipped something on my drink, =p

ah,,, pass me another kamikaze please =) life is good.. but please dont let me be just another drunken mistake..

mahal ko sya
pero ewan ko lang
baka hindi ko sya mahal
baka gusto ko lang syang kausap
kasi masaya syang kausap
nakakatuwa
para bang walang problema sa mundo
parang parating puno ang wallet ko
parang di ako nilalagnat pag gabi
parang matataas ang grades ko
parang malaki ang sweldo ko
parang ewan ko ba
mahal ko yata sya
o baka naman hindi ko sya mahal
siguro gusto ko lang syang kasama
masaya kasi syang kasama
para kong lumilipad
parang kaya kong lutasin lahat ng problema
parang mabubuhay na ko kahit titigan ko lang sya
parang di ko na kailangang kumain
matulog, huminga...
siguro nga mahal ko sya
pero.. paano kung hindi ko pala sya mahal?
gusto ko lang siguro syang yakapin
masarap kasi syang yakapin,
tumatalon ang puso ko
nalilimutan kong wala pa kong hapunan
at na marami pa kong utang
o na galit na ang boss ko dahil parati akong late
dahil di ako makatulog kakaisip sa kanya
kakaisip kung nasaan sya
kung kumusta na sya
kumain na kaya sya? may iba kaya syang kayakap?
sino kaya katabi nya?
tulog na ba sya? o baka naman may tinatrabaho pa..
ewan, mahal ko nga ba sya?
hindi ko naman yata sya mahal.
gusto ko lang syang katabing matulog
masarap kasi syang katabi matulog
meron akong tandayan at kayakap,
at parang mabibilang ko lahat ng bituwin sa langit
kahit may bubong ang bahay namin,
nararamdaman kong ligtas ako
yun bang hindi ako tatamaan ng ligaw na bala
pag bagong taon, o ng kidlat pag umuulan
naiisip ko rin na parang swerte ako
yun bang nanalo ng isang daang milyon sa lotto
o ng bagong t.v. sa raffle sa christmas party
mahal ko nga sya!
hindi, hindi totoong mahal ko sya
gusto ko lang na nasa mabuti sya
na masaya sya kahit iba ang kasama nya
na ok lang sa kin na di nya ko mahalin
na ayaw nya kong kausap, kasama,
kayakap, katabing matulog
hindi!
hindi ko sya mahal.,
gusto ko lang ligtas sya
at hindi pinapaiyak ng kung sino sino
gusto ko mahalin sya nung minamahal nya
at na sana lumigaya sya kahit kapiling ng iba
hindi ko naman sya mahal di ba?
handa lang akong ialay ang buhay ko sa kanya
yung pag sinabi nyang talon sa tulay,
tatalon ako talaga,
at kung sabihin nyang ayaw na nya kong makita
at may iba na syang mahal,
kaya kong yumuko, lumayo
lumakad ng dahan dahan at wag lumingon
kasi nga mahal ko sya,
ano ba! ang kulit ko naman
kasi nga di ko sya mahal
hindi ko sya mahal
hindi nga..

07.30.2003.04.48.p.m. 

***07.30.2022.04.16.a.m***

it’s been a lifetime ago since I wrote this post and I still keep receiving notifications from people who wants to use it for their monologue, feel free to use with attributions and post links to your pieces if you have any, thank you! 

Maraming salamat po!

ok, so let me tell you about siargao.. i have no more time these days to write things down so this entry is a bit delayed,

the boat for surigao left at 8pm friday night, there was a slight drizzle, but the trip was otherwise smooth. the boat docked at surigao port by 4:30a.m. and i proceeded to the hotel to take a shower and charge my soon to be useless mobile phone. the trip to dapa was 3 hours by boat, and by the time we reached the resort, i was exhausted and all i wanted to do was sleep.

but sleep was the last thing on the itenerary, we went island hopping, visited the mangroves, the surf, the yacht building, the sand rifts, we rented bikes and got sunburned, we went swimming at a private island in the middle of the sea.. in between, my glass overflowed of red wine and somebody stole my mule!

i was supposed to be back by monday but there were no boats going back to cebu, so i was reluctantly (yipee!) stranded in surigao. you can actually tour the whole city by tricycle, i went to their airport, which only accomodates 8 seater planes, and their bus station which can take me to the other parts of mindanao.

by tuesday morning i was back to work, sporting a sunburn.. now that's what i get for not wearing sunscreen =)

posted at our college yearbook and at peyups

“move to the music of a missing dream, now
slide to the sound of a savage scream, now
the words don’t matter
as long as they scatter
like rain
like rain”

College. One moment you’re waking up at 7:15 so you’ll be just in time for your 7:30 class, dreading the reports, seatworks, exams, homeworks, plays, productions, lab works, programs and what have you that might come pouring down like manna from heaven as you enter the hallowed halls of the campus. The next day you find you’re just a bum. No buzzer beater showers, Good Morning Surprise Quizzes, Hello World 80 pt. Seat works, or 3-hour grueling Debit-Credit b.s. You’re just another graduate; you will be lining up for work the next day or for food rations the week after next. There will be no more wondering if Leibnitz ate lemma for lunch, or if those Greek letters on the formula are actually encoded love letters of Leithold. Life will be boring. You will be working 8 to 5 jobs with 1-hour lunch breaks, while missing those classes you so lovingly scheduled two hours apart so you could still sneak in at the local movie house in between each subject.

Where did all those years go? You start to wonder. How did I let all those years pass by without even so much as a thought? Yes, that time in a bottle song doesn’t sound so melodramatic anymore. What happened to the crazy days -- Marching to malls sporting crazy attires and collecting bewildered looks and catcalls from onlookers? Where have all the band fests, mindworks, yearly lantern parades, cookouts and weeklong campus days gone?

You carry a new cell phone to work, a PDA, a laptop, all the latest gadgets. You strut along the business park counting the days till your next trip abroad, but still you dream of waking up on cold mornings during hell week, the org meetings that stretch up to early evenings, the rallies amid the scorching heat, the long and almost endless lines during enrollment, the grouchy looks of some instructors when they’ve had a bad day, the naked man with his arms outstretched looking up to the sky, that crumbling “new building” with no ventilation, and that circled number on those colorful class cards that almost always gives your parents a heart attack.

“once you forget, it’s over,
just start again
once you forget, it’s over,
take what you can
before it’s gone”

Time moves fast, so fast that even the speed of thought can't capture all the memories you want to keep. You pause for a while. You close your eyes and start thinking of your college years. Those funny turbulent years of experimentations, with undone home works and getting away with it, with not studying for exams and acing them, from collecting ticket booklets of movies to visiting all new food and clothes shops, to attending jam packed, head banging concerts. You remember doing stupid things for what you thought were the right reasons, that one moment of insanity that brought you to the edge of recklessness, the momentary happiness in knowing the rules and breaking them, the misconstrued views you were willing to die for, and those angst filled poems, which used to be fashionable.

You stand in the center of time, ten million lifetimes over and done with and only hinted upon by photographs and souvenirs and words. Every scrap of paper whispered of so much more than you can even begin to remember. Life was there, on that other corner of your mind. And college was more than just a preparation for life. It was life. A big part of life. And its over.

“she runs from the sun of an alien sky
she jumps from the mountain to learn how to fly”

Tonight, my thoughts are collecting; my eyes are wandering over the landscape of the past and thinking of the farewells both real and imagined. Everything in between was something so wonderful that it hurts to write it down. And this was college for me.

part 3 Earth

the earth lay still, quiet and waiting
at the tiny drops of blood that flowed

while the wind revolved, unmindful and listening
the hand clasped the thorns with scars that glowed

heaven opened its eyes and looked on
as the palm held on with its last breath

withered, the petals serenaded the coming dawn
knowing too much love and pain brings death.


part 4 Me

i lay for a while dreaming flowers dreams
of thorns and blood that kiss the ground

but i am indoors and nothing is at it seems
so i let the fleeting memories be drowned

if rhyme and reason would wage a war, i thought
i'll be none the wiser standing in the rain

and if love is suicide, as the sages taught
then i may have lived my life in vain

06.24.2003.2.46.p.m.

even angels grow tired,
as they go about their merry ways
picking up your broken pieces
trying to make them whole once more

even angels weep,
sometimes they hide behind the clouds
and let the wonderful gloomy rain
wash away their sadness

even angels lose their wings,
they grow weary of waiting for you
to see beyond yourself past the chains
you invent to hide you from what's true

and yes, even angels have dreams..
they dream of someday finding you
waiting by the door, willing to let them in
free to let them love you..

.
.
.

sometimes, i get tired too...

06.23.2003.7.46.p.m.

saturday was a drunken soul splitting moment. it was one of those times when you can close your eyes, and hear your heart beating loudly against you chest, and if you breathe real hard, you can feel the stars...

funny how tequila suddenly becomes a hard to find commodity on nights like this =) we had to go to 3 stores and take 2 cab rides just to get a 500ml cuervo, talk about being in demand =)

guitar music and break up songs filled the house while the shot glasses were kept full, guile asked "mahal ka ba nyang talaga?" while matet said: "deep within i'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you,i know i can't be with you, i do what i have to do"

after much hurling, the show ended, another day was over, four wandering souls looked up to count the artificial stars in my room and fell into the arms of dreamless sleep..

and this is how we make ourselves invincible from pain...

one last time, hold me
as we watch this crumbling city
fall and become dust beneath our feet
shall we stay? shall we go away?
shall we be the only ones left
standing in this confusion?

we are an epic struggle
six years in the making
we've gone past the road signs
onto the wide open fields
where rocks crunch beneath our wheels.
and still we are none the wiser
still lost in between these city streets

and i find myself one more time
calling out to you
but you are nowhere beside me

we are dying embers of a forgotten vision
that once lighted the path of our dreams
we shall go on, as all those who prevail do
but this time on separate roads
the future boundless and magical
as we make more hellos and less goodbyes

tonight, i shall look back one last time
and i shall forget
the feel of your hand
entwined with mine.

06.19.2003.10.05.a.m.

night shall fall soon
to take you to sleep
bringing you dreams
and whispered promises
cloaked beneath the thin
film of your eyelids

i watch as you lay
so serene, your heart
surrendering to the soft
humming of a light breeze
touching you face
drenched in moonbeams

i love sitting here
beside you as you breathe
for by some lucky chance
you might stretch you arms
and reach for me, and
hold me close to you

tomorrow you'll leave me
all to soon, without even
a last look, a wave goodbye
i shall lie, a forsaken pillow
waiting for night time
to bring you back to me


6.17.2003.7.51.a.m.

i could grow roots too
hang my wings up to dry
and perch my nest on your ground

i could grow roots too
and count the silent petals that fall from
my branches to kiss the soil of your yard

i could grow roots too
say goodbye to the voices of the wind and
the waves beckoning just to follow you

i could grow roots too, you know
i could grow roots with you
i could grow old with you


17.June.2003.12.53.a.m

my friends are moving on with their lives,two of them have resigned from this company and found other jobs that fit them better, last thursday was a rather sad day for me, i couldn't help but feel down amidst all the farewells, i wanted to throw caution to the wind, buy the first ticket to somewhere and wander off into anonymity, but the comfort zones kept nagging me and urging me to stay and watch the charade go by, i was silent for the rest of the duration of my ride home and only after i closed the door to my room did i let the tears flow freely.

friday was a rainy day, i love the rain, i love looking up to the sky and letting the tiny drops of rain touch my face, its like the sky opened its arms and gave me a glimpse of heaven.

yesterday, i sat outside the house and watched as rain collected on the rain gutters while drinking mule and contemplating on the complexities of being a caterpillar perched on a leaf while trapped in a thunderstorm. i also twisted all meaning from the phrase "it's better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones" until i've drained all desire from it and i was back to being alone on a rainy sunday afternoon.

everything spins around in circles.

i once asked someone if our friendship, which was generally characterized by leaving and being left behind, would actually survive outside airports. this is the story of my life - staying for a while, moving away again, coming back, moving on, and letting go, letting go...

this sunset picture was taken while on our way home from our 48 day business trip to kanagawa-ken. i've always been fascinated with sunsets, it reminds me that another day is over and it gives me hope that my little tragedies would soon be over too.

today i'm back in the world of bug reports and bastardized english, trying to make sense and finding the hidden meaning in it all. incidentally, today is also the day we get measured up against formulaic standards of excellence also known as the merit rating, as for me, with the tons of bugs i create, i guess i should be given a demerit rating instead =p

*sigh* i'm spilling me all over the place again...

i'm back!!! but i don't feel like spilling out my one week's worth of adventures and misadventures just yet =) maybe next time when the feeling has somehow washed itself out. today i feel euphoric, counting the minutes till 5pm and "jumping off a crane 12 stories high" are the only two things that give me this sensation these days,. =)

last night i had my prepaid sim upgraded to "high memory". this ad at the mall promised my new sim an enhanced phone book and a bigger inbox for only 100 pesos. so i lined up like 10 other suckers, err i mean customers, and filled up the application form. after shelling out my hundred bucks and grabbing my new sim, my friends and i grabbed dinner at the entertainment center. when i finally reached home, i inserted the new sim on my phone only to be greeted with a SIM ERROR message, poof! there goes me and not reading banners carefully. apparently, the sim will work after 5 days of activation =/

oh well, that's the high point of life here so far since i arrived yesterday. my one week vacation seems like a whole other life lived from another galaxy. it's 5:18, time to escape my cellblock =p

i'm back! but only for a while today, i'm leaving again soon. i'll get my plane ticket tonight and i'll leave on saturday, i won't be back till june i guess,

i need to breathe the sea air and collect the shiny stones on the river. cajidiocan is the best place for that. no electricity, no telephones, no cellphone signals, pure nature at its best, just the sun, the moon, the air, the sea, the river, the mountains, the trees... i can't wait =)

in the meantime, we're going to have some sort of reunion with my college batchmates tonight, smirnoff ice and don henricos pizza at tops would be nice but it looks like it's going to rain, so i guess we'll just have to find a new place... hmmm, what's new in cebu anyways?

"I'm on a high I'm on a high
and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star
why should I refuse it

and there are so many reasons
I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time
and my love you're not around
around, around

but it's a lie it's a lie -
don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine -
it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be
no conspiracy of happiness."
- duncan sheik (on a high) -

It's been almost 72 hours since i last laid down on my bed to get some sleep. "it's terrible to work so hard and feel so little about myself" -- these words kept ringing in my ears as i battled yet another pile of machine language.

Tomorrow we're leaving for Cebu, i don't know yet how i feel about that right now. I'm in a state of suspended insanity, and to let a flood of emotions go by would be as strange as looking at the world through a broken glass jar.

I haven't packed my things yet, I haven't even prepared so many little nonsense that I'm sure I'm going to overlook or forget something somehow, i hope not though...

I feel so tired. I want to close my eyes and never wake up again.

yey!!! i made this new guestmap from bravenet and it's really cute =) don't forget to visit it and leave a message =)

hmmm, so well, aside from letting the webmaster wannabe in me take over for a while, today has been quite uneventful. i was late AGAIN for work this morning, and i still havent packed my bags nor mailed that postcard i promised to give to someone. i also havent shopped for things i should give to the people ive left behind.. if procrastination takes over again, i might end up buying nothing at all, which is quite thoughtless of me, i know =,( it's just that by the time we leave work, im too drained to think of anything else (other than sleep) much less rummage the nearest shop and buy things i should bring..

i hope by saturday i will be completely recharged..

so, it was 12:56 a.m. JPT, i just finished my fourth cup of coffee - a cup of coffee for me consists of 1 tablespoon of coffee and 5 tablespoons of hot water - and the top 20 uk countdown was wrapping up when i suddenly felt my bed shake, i blinked once, twice, and thought it was just too much caffeine =) hehehe but then it came back again after a minute, so i switched the tv channels till i saw a flash update, it was another earthquake -- the second time in 10 days, good thing there was no big damage.

i did my laundry yesterday afternoon, and surprise! i got my anklet back after the spinner stopped, good thing the beads were still intact, poor thing.

the group went to tachikawa for a barbecue party and left the hotel at around 9 a.m., i was still in never land at that time so i was left behind, which was quite fine actually.. i needed to catch up and pay for my sleep debt.

i haven't packed yet! but it's ok, six days is still a long long time -- or so i think =) i'll probably have another episode of cram packing as usual..

it was raining when i stepped out of the hotel this morning, i knew it was raining when i opened the window of my second floor room, but the lazy me prevailed, i conveniently forgot to bring the umbrella. it was a nice experience nonetheless, in a daredevil-sort-of-way,

things are better when one doesn't think too much

you just know it's not your day when:
1. you lost your favorite anklet, the one you were wearing for three years now.
2. someone important to you, on another part of the world, lost her job.
3. you have 91 yen on your pocket and you still have 9 days to go in the land of the rising sun... not to mention the pending bills you have to pay during hotel check out time.
4. you set the alarm for seven so as not to be late for your eight thirty punch in time, but you wake up past ten.. how many late do you have this month anyway? 5. diaryland is not loading the images on your page, but the same page shows the images when hosted by geocities. and you've been working on this bug for an hour now..
6. no email.
7. no text.

yes, i know, it's not my day..

"I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?"
- foo fighters (times like these) -

10 days to go, =) life is getting better when i'm approaching another transition in my life. i like beginnings, and sometimes endings too.. i hate the in-between.. i don't know when i realized this.. or maybe this is just a passing fancy for now., i just noticed that when i'm starting to grow roots and settle into a place or a situation or a person, i begin to have doubts and fear of attachment.. funny really, coz i used to have fear of abandonment, oh well, i probably had too much coffee, i'm babbling again.. and i don't even drink coffee =)

last tuesday, i watched the movie adaptation of stephen king's IT at around 2 am., it ruined any chances of me getting sleep =) now two days later, my body clock still hasn't adjusted.. good thing there are early morning movies to keep me company =) hopefully not as gruesome as IT. this reminds me of my sesame street entry from way back =)...

im really a night person, i should get a night job =)

so life goes on like a leaky faucet over here. it's 6am and the sun's rays has found their way through the blinds covering the glass windows at the back of the table where i work right now. long sentences without pause nor punctuations seem to appeal to the sleep deprived me today. i'm still knee deep in SIT and bug fixing and the stupid dialog doesn't even show up because of some null value in the response but i know i'll be able to fix this soon somehow. i hope sooner rather than later.

this is the tower of slavery, err i mean this is our main office, this is the view from mukaigawara - the train station nearby. this picture was taken right after we got off the train from the airport.. that was march 31, the grayness of work has not yet penetrated our skins. today, some of us are 15 days away from going home, while others would still be extended up to the end of the month. i look around me and see blank faces, as blank as the cathode ray tubes that project the lights on these monitor screens. i don't remember the time when we were more than just these automatons typing away on our keyboards, with our eyes, fingers and brain in full command, the heart and the others put aside for a while. i wonder how long this will take. i wonder if we will ever wake up from this madness.,

i wonder if it's not too late...

"I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?"
- hoobastank (running away) -

i've been listening to k-lite's streaming radio for the past two days now and this has been a big help in making my working hours less dull. and thanks to tetski my song collection has increased =)

last night i slept at around 4 a.m., my body clock is all messed up, i should do something about this coming weekend.. but then again, i like being a night person, the night is more enchanting, more mysterious.. more foreboding...
the other day, i took this inkblot test at emode, i really strained my eyes from all those images, maybe this is why i got this kind of result:

--- * ---
your unconscious mind is driven most by Resistance

You approach the world with your guard intact because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, you want to maintain an element of control in your relationships with people. You tend to hold your private experiences just out of reach of others. You're not one to immediately show all your cards, to let people into who you really are until you're ready.

Unfortunately, that sometimes means you also hide things from yourself. You may find that your desire to remain guarded backfires, affecting your self-awareness. Why are you like this? It's possible that you act in this manner because of a deeply-rooted fear of being exposed, or of truly expressing yourself. To protect yourself from this fear, you act in the opposite manner, you are guarded.

There is a certain respect that comes with resistance, an unconscious understanding that the human psyche is very vulnerable. We all feel we have a lot to hide, and you are not one to be intrusive or thoughtless about how you approach sensitive topics with others. Therefore you inspire a sense of safety in others when they are around you. Your psyche is very deep, very rich, and the more you can let yourself know (both the good and the bad), the more you will be able to appreciate who you really are.

--- * ---

the security guard from the main gate is here, asking us what time we'll be going home *yawn* i should finish my source codes soon.. back to the "real world"

it's labor day back in my country, and so they don't have work today, meanwhile it's golden week here in japan, everybody is taking a vacation and regular work starts on may 7, but that exempts us code warriors.. we're stuck here in the office trying to beat the deadline for the software we need to deliver by may 18. it's nice to be knee deep in work when there's so much stuff that goes on in my life. it takes my mind off what's real.. or so i think

i don't really believe in these things, but this horoscope seemed very apt for me today =)

"Usually, dear Scorpio, you have a pretty high level of focus and concentration. However, today you might find that your concentration is lagging. You might find working difficult, and you could even find yourself dwelling on old disappointments from way back in your past. You might want to stop and try to figure out why these memories are coming up. Releasing them might get your concentration back to normal."

here i am again, trying to keep an online journal of sorts.. not for theraphy this time (i hope) just continuing the tradition i guess..

my groupmates and i went to odaiba last sunday, it was a nice place.. we visited aqua city, the sony electronics showroom, the coca cola shop, the biggest ferris wheel in the world, the replica of the statue of liberty, the rainbow bridge.. and we even rode on this unmanned monorail train..

lots and lots of pictures really, and so many things to say, but i can't describe them all right now.. my memories are bottled up inside of me, and i can't find the right words to make them immortal in these pages.. which is just as well i guess..

i'll think of something more worthy to post next time.. for now, this will have to do.

dear you,

at last, i've used up too much words until i've drained all meaning from them =) now i can leave my solutions at home, and we'd be ourselves...

i have to admit, the past has been dystopic.. and it did leave me broken in many places.. but the past is done, and though things have been taken away from me, other things grew back to take their place. something is always missing, but then it only makes things more real.

i just wish you the best in whatever other tasks you wish to take on.. i hope you find good people who will take care of you and who will be good to you, and i hope the people you are with right now really love you enough to care =), finally, i wish for you to be happy, no matter how overrated that concept might seem to you.. ^_^

someday, our roads will stop meeting and will start spinning around other journeys., when that time comes, i hope you will know in your heart that somewhere, however far away from you i may end up in, i'm still cheering for you and remembering you in all the little things..

for now, i'm just a handsbreath away =), and i'll be here for you as long as i possibly can.. or perhaps even longer than that..

take care and keep in touch...

always,
me

i have this recurring dream where i am not really me, just another entity trapped in another person's life. sometimes i step outside to break away from the shell that encloses me, but the freedom is temporary, and sonner rather than later, i am propelled back into this stranger's life.



this life isn't really so bad, but sometimes it just drives me crazy,