i'm back! but only for a while today, i'm leaving again soon. i'll get my plane ticket tonight and i'll leave on saturday, i won't be back till june i guess,

i need to breathe the sea air and collect the shiny stones on the river. cajidiocan is the best place for that. no electricity, no telephones, no cellphone signals, pure nature at its best, just the sun, the moon, the air, the sea, the river, the mountains, the trees... i can't wait =)

in the meantime, we're going to have some sort of reunion with my college batchmates tonight, smirnoff ice and don henricos pizza at tops would be nice but it looks like it's going to rain, so i guess we'll just have to find a new place... hmmm, what's new in cebu anyways?

"I'm on a high I'm on a high
and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star
why should I refuse it

and there are so many reasons
I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time
and my love you're not around
around, around

but it's a lie it's a lie -
don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine -
it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be
no conspiracy of happiness."
- duncan sheik (on a high) -

It's been almost 72 hours since i last laid down on my bed to get some sleep. "it's terrible to work so hard and feel so little about myself" -- these words kept ringing in my ears as i battled yet another pile of machine language.

Tomorrow we're leaving for Cebu, i don't know yet how i feel about that right now. I'm in a state of suspended insanity, and to let a flood of emotions go by would be as strange as looking at the world through a broken glass jar.

I haven't packed my things yet, I haven't even prepared so many little nonsense that I'm sure I'm going to overlook or forget something somehow, i hope not though...

I feel so tired. I want to close my eyes and never wake up again.

yey!!! i made this new guestmap from bravenet and it's really cute =) don't forget to visit it and leave a message =)

hmmm, so well, aside from letting the webmaster wannabe in me take over for a while, today has been quite uneventful. i was late AGAIN for work this morning, and i still havent packed my bags nor mailed that postcard i promised to give to someone. i also havent shopped for things i should give to the people ive left behind.. if procrastination takes over again, i might end up buying nothing at all, which is quite thoughtless of me, i know =,( it's just that by the time we leave work, im too drained to think of anything else (other than sleep) much less rummage the nearest shop and buy things i should bring..

i hope by saturday i will be completely recharged..

so, it was 12:56 a.m. JPT, i just finished my fourth cup of coffee - a cup of coffee for me consists of 1 tablespoon of coffee and 5 tablespoons of hot water - and the top 20 uk countdown was wrapping up when i suddenly felt my bed shake, i blinked once, twice, and thought it was just too much caffeine =) hehehe but then it came back again after a minute, so i switched the tv channels till i saw a flash update, it was another earthquake -- the second time in 10 days, good thing there was no big damage.

i did my laundry yesterday afternoon, and surprise! i got my anklet back after the spinner stopped, good thing the beads were still intact, poor thing.

the group went to tachikawa for a barbecue party and left the hotel at around 9 a.m., i was still in never land at that time so i was left behind, which was quite fine actually.. i needed to catch up and pay for my sleep debt.

i haven't packed yet! but it's ok, six days is still a long long time -- or so i think =) i'll probably have another episode of cram packing as usual..

it was raining when i stepped out of the hotel this morning, i knew it was raining when i opened the window of my second floor room, but the lazy me prevailed, i conveniently forgot to bring the umbrella. it was a nice experience nonetheless, in a daredevil-sort-of-way,

things are better when one doesn't think too much

you just know it's not your day when:
1. you lost your favorite anklet, the one you were wearing for three years now.
2. someone important to you, on another part of the world, lost her job.
3. you have 91 yen on your pocket and you still have 9 days to go in the land of the rising sun... not to mention the pending bills you have to pay during hotel check out time.
4. you set the alarm for seven so as not to be late for your eight thirty punch in time, but you wake up past ten.. how many late do you have this month anyway? 5. diaryland is not loading the images on your page, but the same page shows the images when hosted by geocities. and you've been working on this bug for an hour now..
6. no email.
7. no text.

yes, i know, it's not my day..

"I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind?"
- foo fighters (times like these) -

10 days to go, =) life is getting better when i'm approaching another transition in my life. i like beginnings, and sometimes endings too.. i hate the in-between.. i don't know when i realized this.. or maybe this is just a passing fancy for now., i just noticed that when i'm starting to grow roots and settle into a place or a situation or a person, i begin to have doubts and fear of attachment.. funny really, coz i used to have fear of abandonment, oh well, i probably had too much coffee, i'm babbling again.. and i don't even drink coffee =)

last tuesday, i watched the movie adaptation of stephen king's IT at around 2 am., it ruined any chances of me getting sleep =) now two days later, my body clock still hasn't adjusted.. good thing there are early morning movies to keep me company =) hopefully not as gruesome as IT. this reminds me of my sesame street entry from way back =)...

im really a night person, i should get a night job =)

so life goes on like a leaky faucet over here. it's 6am and the sun's rays has found their way through the blinds covering the glass windows at the back of the table where i work right now. long sentences without pause nor punctuations seem to appeal to the sleep deprived me today. i'm still knee deep in SIT and bug fixing and the stupid dialog doesn't even show up because of some null value in the response but i know i'll be able to fix this soon somehow. i hope sooner rather than later.

this is the tower of slavery, err i mean this is our main office, this is the view from mukaigawara - the train station nearby. this picture was taken right after we got off the train from the airport.. that was march 31, the grayness of work has not yet penetrated our skins. today, some of us are 15 days away from going home, while others would still be extended up to the end of the month. i look around me and see blank faces, as blank as the cathode ray tubes that project the lights on these monitor screens. i don't remember the time when we were more than just these automatons typing away on our keyboards, with our eyes, fingers and brain in full command, the heart and the others put aside for a while. i wonder how long this will take. i wonder if we will ever wake up from this madness.,

i wonder if it's not too late...

"I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?"
- hoobastank (running away) -

i've been listening to k-lite's streaming radio for the past two days now and this has been a big help in making my working hours less dull. and thanks to tetski my song collection has increased =)

last night i slept at around 4 a.m., my body clock is all messed up, i should do something about this coming weekend.. but then again, i like being a night person, the night is more enchanting, more mysterious.. more foreboding...
the other day, i took this inkblot test at emode, i really strained my eyes from all those images, maybe this is why i got this kind of result:

--- * ---
your unconscious mind is driven most by Resistance

You approach the world with your guard intact because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, you want to maintain an element of control in your relationships with people. You tend to hold your private experiences just out of reach of others. You're not one to immediately show all your cards, to let people into who you really are until you're ready.

Unfortunately, that sometimes means you also hide things from yourself. You may find that your desire to remain guarded backfires, affecting your self-awareness. Why are you like this? It's possible that you act in this manner because of a deeply-rooted fear of being exposed, or of truly expressing yourself. To protect yourself from this fear, you act in the opposite manner, you are guarded.

There is a certain respect that comes with resistance, an unconscious understanding that the human psyche is very vulnerable. We all feel we have a lot to hide, and you are not one to be intrusive or thoughtless about how you approach sensitive topics with others. Therefore you inspire a sense of safety in others when they are around you. Your psyche is very deep, very rich, and the more you can let yourself know (both the good and the bad), the more you will be able to appreciate who you really are.

--- * ---

the security guard from the main gate is here, asking us what time we'll be going home *yawn* i should finish my source codes soon.. back to the "real world"