Last night I dreamt I was alive again, I felt I was tasting life for the first time; the feel of rain on the tip of my tongue was so real, so delicate, so tragic. I walked in and around my dream wondering where my imagination ended and reality began, but I could never really tell.

That's when I saw the shadow of a kindred soul lying on its back, right on the same mound of sand where I buried my star. My eyes saw red; I felt it was sacrilege for this trespasser to desecrate the grave of my dear friend. I quietly approached the resting soul and said: "why do you lie here when the sand is so vast and you can have your pick anywhere else but here?" I waited long for a response since it pretended not to hear me, but finally, when it realized I would hold my ground until it let out an explanation, it said in a slow indifferent drawl: "And why not? This mound provides a good pillow for my head, and besides, from this view I can see all the rest of the skies"

"What a proud creature you are, do you not know that this is the grave of my star and you have shown no amount of concern nor respect for it!" I uttered in indignation.

"A star you say?" it said with mild interest "those tiny drops of light belong to the skies not here on this barren sand, why did you choose to bury it here?"

"Because I don't know how to take it back where it came from," I said in frustration "I don't have tools to build me anything that wil l carry me to that place"

"Come here, sit beside me," the kindred soul invited "You don't need to build a great ship nor climb a tall ladder in order to reach the heavens, that is foolishness, nor should you lie here waiting for the heavens to come down to you, that is madness. There is only one way"

"And what is that?"

"To die."

"Are you implying that I should go now and take my life in order to reach heaven? That is the most absurd thing I ever heard."

"Who said anything about taking your own life? That is the farthest path to heaven. All you have to do is go about doing your own business and wait. Wait for that ultimate moment when Death finally decides to take you"

"I cannot wait that long, I need to leave this place now. I need to be in a place with no darkness nor sadness nor bitter choices, a place where I no longer have to wait for things that will never come"

"Ah, but that is your biggest fault, heaven is not a place. It is a decision. It is a commitment, and until you have not made one, you will never get there" For a moment, I wanted to believe that the kindred soul had gone mad, but something inside me churned so I stayed silent.

I closed my eyes in confusion. I envy my star whose time has come, and who is probably happy now beside its family of bright twinkling envoys of light. Why has death not chosen to take me with it too? Why do I have to go on with this madness?

These are the voices that visit me every night.

And today I chose to hide under these sheets
Because I found no need to show my face
To a world that left the rest of me meaningless
Without purpose, without calm, without conscience

I have always thought the music could wake me
Stir up my soul into submission or rebellion
Whichever is more apt at the precise moment;
But it never did, nothing ever affects me anymore

The way you do, with your nonchalant smile
So I take this knife gallantly and with much courage
The way a valiant but foolish murderer would
And slit it deep into my memories of you.

Not once, not twice, but a thousand times more
Until I can’t breathe and I cant see from all the red
You never die, do you? Not even in my dreams
Where you choose to stab me over and over and over

It only stops when I hide under these sheets once more
Leaving the music and the wakefulness outside
Waiting for the gray and the red to mix and turn to black
But they never would, no they never could

No one can mix colors the way you do

12.06.2004.2.55.p.m.

you always sit on the sand
to watch the endless dying sky
repaint the orange into purple
while humming a song for a falling star

i used to sing that song too
under broken beams of moonlight
inviting the wind to blow my way
wishing for a glimpse of that falling star

but that star never came down
and that song never played again
they left me sad, wishing for daylight
finding meanings for things that never last

if tomorrow still finds you
singing this sad love song for one
teach your tattered wings to fly again
dont wait for a star that will never come

12.01.2004.3.05.p.m.

lately the dreams were late to come and wake me up from reality. i have been turning stones but none of them can tell me where i've left the *missing piece*. that only made me more lost. maybe there is no such piece, maybe i have it with me but i just dont know it. maybe i had it once and i broke it mindlessly because i didnt know its value then. maybe maybe maybe. uncertainty is the only sure thing in my life right now.

it has been three months of silence. three months of spilling more words and letters somewhere else. everywhere else but here. my star has chosen to fade away and blink back the rest of the world one last time. i had to bury it under the sands where i first saw it. i dont know if it has a soul, but if it does, may its soul rest in peace.

last night i went home and looked into a mirror that reflected the rest of the world except me. i tried to find the spaces where i could fit but nothing stays in place these days anymore, and it is futile to hold on to something that has wings strong enough to carry itself away from me.

tonight the sunset threatens once more to make me think too much. i will not let it win this time.

i finished reading this book in one wekend, in between naps and bites of peanut broas. i had to finish it, not just because i was borrowing it from a friend and that friend wanted it back asap, and the fact that i had nothing better to do, but also because it was a hard to put down book. ever since the last coelho book i read: *veronika decides to die*, i think paulo has been wanting to tackle sex on his own terms.

my friend di liked this book very much and found so many wonderful insights from it. zet and ri also recommended that i finish reading this book and give my comment on it.. i dont know if its the too much hype or the overzealous encouragement of my friends, but this story actually disappointed me.. maybe ive read too much coelho..

i liked *by the river piedra* better..


title: eleven minutes
author: paulo coelho

this puddle of rain at my feet never dries
as my poetry waits for the day to get louder
while the cold sheet feels my wrinkled lies
i carry these brown patches inside my head

as my poetry waits for the day to get louder
these glowing stars choose to take your side
i carry these brown patches inside my head
letting the broken frame of skies turn pink

these glowing stars choose to take your side
when you painted your room with blinding twilight
letting the broken frame of skies turn pink
like the fast and tragic movement of the clocks

when you painted your room with blinding twilight
i drove away with the sleepy morning sparrow
like the fast and tragic movement of the clocks
where dreams lie in dusty guitar case latches

i drove away with the sleepy morning sparrow
looking for youth walking up and down old streets
where dreams lie in dusty guitar case latches
and empty shapes of crowded lives we've lived

looking for youth walking up and down old streets
i found scattered faithless angels instead
and empty shapes of crowded lives we've lived
locked in a jar of love and other gray things

i found scattered faithless angels instead,
while the cold sheet feels my wrinkled lies
locked in a jar of love and other gray things
this puddle of rain at my feet never dries

11.04.2004.4.28.p.m.

we used to play this waltz
but only in the shadows
where you can hide me away
from the the dusk and the ghost
that only comes before sunrise

in that dance of sad songs
we held hands on borrowed time
but never too tightly
lest i forget that you're not mine
but someone else's lost rhyme

i have been wishing for stars
to carve our shapes into the soil
but the earth always sinks away
as the sunset steps on our hearts
still lost in uncharted skies

tonight i stumbled once more
into the soft colors of sadness
because i need to fold my arms
and let you go, one last time
while the moon eclipses our paper hats

11.02.2004.02.16.p.m.

in the darkness
my dreams are liquid fire
setting to flames all that dare cross my path

in the darkness
my loneliness and i are one
letting the tears fall freely from my eyes

in the darkness
i remain
eternally waiting

for sunrise.

10.19.2004.2.07.p.m.

late nights always find me looking for stars while lying on one of the hammocks beside the swimming pool at the upper penthouse. but star gazing isnt really a good hobby in this city, the sky is always covered with fog or smog or both and the only lights that i can see when i look up are airplane tail lights.

one good thing about living on the top floor of a tall building is having a good view of the city. the cars and the people on the street look like ants (that phrase reminded me of a csi episode where a manic killer termed his victims as ants waiting to be crushed, weird!)

tonight will be no different.. i will be watching people get lost in the shadows and go back to the places they call home.

i dont know what force compelled me to visit my old space at diaryland. i wasnt even thinking, my fingers just deviated from the class diagrams at rational rose to my crazy browser.. and there it was.. the past i was running away from,

reading my entries there somehow felt like looking into the life of another person so unlike me. nobody would ever know the people i was hiding behind those words. the brief love, the more brief life, i wish i could bring them all back. but the wish is not as strong as before, and the sharp stinging that used to hurt so much and bring tears to my eyes is now nothing more but a dull hollow feeling.

i dont want to be hollow any longer, i have been empty for too long. i need to be filled to the brim and overflow with emotions other than hate and bitterness. i need to love. i need to die.

"i am hollow and i will live forever" - van helsing

fade into my skin like a lullaby
break a piece of my loneliness and take my hand
you sing like one too tired to ache
you ache like one too tired to mind

and i said simmer
to the drone of my guitar
tonight the stars and all the planets will just watch by
come along, melt me with your promises

we both know we'll regret this all tomorrow
but i dont mind coz it's easier to forget
when i know there's no tomorrow waiting
for us

but tonight ill sing some songs
fumbling upon each button
watching you watching me
too tired to mind, too lost to care

yes, let me play one more tune
you and i and a couple of shots
the sky won't mind if we stayed too long
melting in each others arms

10.11.2001.09.31.p.m.

my mom wants me to go to cebu this month, but ive just been there last month. i'm beginning to really resent the place. especially since my last visit there was quite *awful*. if i decide to go, this will be my 12th plane ride this year, i should be a stock holder of pal. :p

hmmm, that reminds me of my pal miles, i'll see if i can redeem and turn them into round trip tickets for oct. 29 to nov 2.

bye, going to the ticket office now...

"Who'd have thought this is how the pieces fit
You and I shouldn't even try making sense of it
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons but I don't know what they are
Don't blame it on my heart, oh"
- julia fordham, love moves in mysterious ways

there are just some songs that you really hate listening to. they bring you back to an alternate universe where everything else is different except you, they make you believe in childish things like a pot of gold at the end of rainbows or love and forever and ever after and all that b.s. actually these songs just make you feel more bitter and resentful if you're still not over your most recent heartache or else a little more suicidal if you still haven't coped with the being alone part.

lately my gmail inbox have been overflowing with stories of zet and ria's rollercoaster ride with dr. love. and these tales almost always ends up with the heartaches and goodbyes and disappointments. is there really a way to escape this fateful trap?

i dont have answers to that, but maybe turning off the cheesy love songs and switching to something else would be one giant leap for womankind =p

there was an intensity 6 earthquake last friday night but i didnt feel it because i was at gb3 and there were too many lights and noise and people. i only learned about it when we were walking back to our condo and we saw people drinking and smoking on the sidewalks. i thought that was the trend in this part of town but when we went to the 24 hour convenience store and interviewed the shop attendant, we found out that the earthquake was really strong and they thought the building was going to collapse.

i was really planning to stay sober that night but after hearing the story, i bought some liquor at the store and joined my neighbors sitting on the sidewalk waiting for their heartbeats to calm down. i met kate and some of her friends who are renting a place at the penthouse level. kate was a college classmate and she is now into designing clothes and has a boutique here.

when finally the guards told us that it was safe to ride the elevator, we went up and had tequila shots. life is more potent when you live 22 stories higher.

moved to a new place last friday, yey! we have a good view of the city from our window, and we have a nice swimming pool, gym, jacuzzi, and sauna at the roof top =)

will be posting pictures soon, in the meantime we're busy buying things and cleaning our new place..

watched annie y los otros at the spanish film festival yesterday, its a bit of a cliffhanger. i hope i can watch other movies from the film fest, after all they're so cheap at 30php per ticket =)

ciao!

my friend zet is having problems with her love life right now (who isnt?) she is anticipating the hurt of the separation.. and because of that, she is hurting.

sometimes, the biggest, brightest moments in our lives never last for more than a minute, and it takes courage to look forward to that minute and enjoy every second of it than to wallow in the agony and the unfairness of the fact that it is something ephemeral. something we cannot take home and put name tags on and call our own.

i've been in the situation more than once, and it takes practice to overlook the dark spots and concentrate on the white cloth, especially when we are trained to look for the flaw in the bigger scheme of things. it took me a lot of hurting, a lot of mistakes, and a lot of heartbreaks to realize that im doing it wrong. instead of fighting the darkness from falling, we should appreciate every ray of light the sun holds for us.

it takes courage to look at the bright side of things. it takes a lot of effort to be happy.

it was by chance when we met on this road
it was pure luck that has brought us here
and now as the sun rests its final glow
we find ourselves dreaming

the moonbeams have a way of deceiving
with the light that it casts upon our heads
it makes us think we could go on believing
though we know we both must leave

you speak of the one whom your soul has loved
while i listen to your every word
i look at the stars that shine above us
and note how they seem to smile

shadows lengthen as the night becomes deep
once again it's time to bid farewell
echoes of your voice stay still in the air
piercing the dark night in vain

i choose not to hear the words you've just said
for my heart could not bear to forget
how could you stand and leave without thinking
when i'm here in deep regret

tomorrow you'll take the path you've chosen
as i decide if i should go too
i know i'm a fool if i choose to leave
but what's the use if i stay

the light has gone out, i too must go now
so take my hand and lead me back home
and if fate is not that unkind
i may be gone tomorrow..

if you choose to come to this same spot
and find me no longer sitting here,
just look as the sun rests its final glow
and think of me as you dream....

march, 1998

once again i sit here lost in thought
though i choose to forget
my mind insists on remembering

i have given up a long time ago
knowing how great the odds were against me
yet still it comes back
like a nightmare it hunts,

it stalks,

it frightens me
as clear as a photograph taken in midday
as crisp as the leaves of summer
it brings back a lot of memories

of days gone by, of love once had
it's not easy to forget when the wind whipers your name
how could i erase your image from my mind,
when every sight and sound reminds me of you?

it is not right that i should feel this way
it is not right that i should want you
you were the one who chose to be free
you were the one who chose to leave
and i know i must learn to let you go

yet why do i still long for you?
why does my heart tirelessly beat
in the hope that i might see you again

i am a fool to feel this way
still i sit here lost in thought

in despair i call your name
it seems rather absurd for me to be shouting
when you're too far away....
to hear...

to feel...

to know...
that i love you

so i just close my eyes and pray
that someday you'll come

and

break my solitude

ndg.04.10.1998

You Alone
by Rolando Carbonell

You alone, beloved,
can teach me to measure the memory of a song...
No one knows to what ecstasy my heart will soar.
The gentleness in your smile is enough
to touch the tenderness in my heart.
In the secret page of my life is written a story...
never to be forgotten.
For all the silent records this vessel holds
contain the memory of you.

Come, then, beloved, and sing with the songs so sweet.
Burn my soul with the magic jewel of your song
that i may awaken from the darkness of this world
to view the blossoming of the stars.

And is there any power greater than love?
Speak then, beloved, speak.
Give to me the essence of your love,
and the slumbering poems in this dark universe
will blazon anew, swelling like waves
upon the bosom of a hungry shore.

Because you and I shall sing,
heaven itself will quiver with a burst of song.
And the morning shall greet us with a glow
to open the flowering of a new tune.

No one else but you can still the throbbing,
sobbing, murmuring voice within.
No one.

For you alone can reach the silent stretches of my soul.
You alone...

Without you, beloved, what joy will there be in a song? Without the embraces of your love -
what use is the beauty of the morn?
Without the promise of your kiss,
what delight is there in the fragrance of a rose?

Without you, my love,
memory itself will lose the beauty of its touch...
Come then, my dear, like a flower, like a song,
like a dream...

And I shall write the forgotten poems of many days
you secretly left in my soul.
In every line I shall scribble the many thoughts
this soaring mind holds.

And the music in my heart shall spread its wings
to envelop the memory of your youth scattered by the winds.

You alone can make a miracle out of a song...
You alone can transform this poem into a prayer...
You alone can make me feel the breath of life again.

Beyond Forgetting
by Rolando A. Carbonell

For a moment I thought I could forget you.
For a moment I thought I could still the restlessness in my heart. I thought the past could no longer haunt me - nor hurt me. How wrong I was!

For the past, no matter how distant, is as much a part of me as life itself. And you are part of that life. You are so much a part of me - of my dreams, my early hopes, my youth and my ambitions - that in all my tasks I can’t help remembering you. Many little delights and things remind me of you.

Yes, I came. And would my pride mock my real feelings? Would the love song, the sweet and lovely smile on your face, be lost among the deepening shadows?

I have wanted to be alone.
I thought I could make myself forget you in silence and in song...And yet I remembered. For who could forget the memory of the once lovely, the once happy world such as ours?

I came because the song that I kept through the years is waiting to be sung. I cannot sing it without you. The song when sung alone will lose the essence of its tune, because you and I had been one.

I have wanted this misery to end, because it is part of my restlessness. Can't you understand? Can't you divine the depth and the tenderness of my feelings towards you? Yes, can’t you see how I suffer in this even darkness without you?

You went away because you mistook my silence for indifference. But silence, my dear, is the language of my heart. How could I essay the intensity of my love when silence speaks a more eloquent tone? But, perhaps, you didn't understand...

Remember, I came because the gnawing loneliness is there and will not be lost until the music is sung, until the poem is heard, until the silence is understood....until you come to me again.

For you alone can blend the music and memory into one consuming ecstasy. You alone...

a refuge for the misguided and weary

beneath the mist that sleeps on the windows
i ask you to hide me away
pack my sadness in a suitcase
under a bed of empty dreams and empty bottles

i ask you to hide me away
in a place with neither light nor darkness
under a bed of empty dreams and empty bottles
where sanity stays still in mid air

in a place with neither light nor darkness
hang my scars and stars on the ceiling
where sanity stays still in mid air
like raindrops refusing to fall

hang my scars and stars on the ceiling
beside the trophies of my aimless wandering
like raindrops refusing to fall
i know this fog will never clear

beside the trophies of my aimless wandering
pack my sadness in a suitcase
i know this fog will never clear
beneath the mist that sleeps on the windows

08.20.2004.2.44.p.m.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;"
from "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope

im still waiting here, waiting for you to come sit by my side and take my hand, and walk me home..

it seems ages ago when we last sat together and just watched the blue sky turn to orange then finally to a deep purple. that was years ago, and we were both too young, we didnt know any better, or maybe we knew too much then.. i dont know anymore. i never knew anything. you were the wise one. i was the scribe.

time has a way of blurring images, making the past seem like an illusion, and the future, a distant dream. if only i could conjure enough images of you, of us in my mind, then maybe i could bring you back, maybe i could bring us back, and we can continue where we left off.

but, where exactly was that?

its 3 am, friday morning, and im here at the office, tying up the finishing touches for the system. im sleepy as hell and i feel like a zombie with my thoughts racing to catch up with my fingers on the keyboard or maybe its the ther way around, i cant think anymore. i just want to give in to the darkness.

hehe quite scary atmosphere here with the lights flickering every now and then like a scene from a badly made horror movie, which reminds me of that lobotomy article i read last night *shivers* oh well, today is officially my last weekday here in this office so i might as well give it my best shot =p

i hope the next one will be a step higher up the food chain ^_^

one moonlit night i went out to look for stars that may have lost their hold on the great dark sky and decided to fall and graze the leaves and branches of my neighbor's backyard

from the bushes, i picked one tiny drop of sunlight and whispered: "hi"

it flickered ever so slightly and looked as if it was abashed to be seen in such a frightful state. i lifted my palm encouragingly and said: "dont be afraid, im here to help you find your way, where did you come from? wher are you headed?"

but the star having no ears could not hear me, it wept silently, the way a child would after discovering he is lost, and he has gone a long way from home.

i sat down on the grass and pondered the situation that my star has gotten itself into. yes, i know im being presumptous to call it mine, when ive only just found it, and i dont even know what to do with it yet, or if somebody else owns it, or worse, what if it is one of those things which cannot be owned?

pushing aside my own introspection, i tried once more, this time i put my finger on my lips as if to hush its weeping, then i pointed to the moon lazily resting on some velvet clouds which chose to hide the heavens - where my tiny friend fell from. "home" i said slowly, clearly, "is that where you came from?"

and with a sudden rush of understanding, it blinked once, twice, and nodded its head, "g-- o- h- o- m- e" it tried to utter in broken syllables, ah! my star wanted to go home, we have progress, at least i now know where we're headed, but how could i reach the sky and put this star back where it once belonged? a seemingly impossible task, i thought, but like all problems, this too must come with a solution, though not yet obvious right now.

i pulled out a piece of torn paper from my coat, and gently wrapped my quivering star in it, i replaced it back in my pocket and walked slowly.

how do i reach the sky? do i build a tall ladder and lean it against a giant tree, then climb it painstakingly till i finally reach the top? how would i know if it is high enough? do i make a giant balloon made of hot air and let it lift me up till i can touch that place where the horizons meet? do i ride a boat and row myself to eternity hoping i will somehow sail through the end of the seas and fall off the earth and touch the vast nothingness of forever?

carefully, i took my star from out of its hiding place and laid it down into the cold ground, i laid down beside it and watched the distance between us and our destination grow by leaps and bounds with my every blink,

...and this is where i am right now.

this week has been really busy, i managed to get my passport photos done last weekend but i missed the medical exam, tsk, blame it on me getting up late. i hope to finally wrap it up this saturday. right now i have tons of codes to create and integrate, this will be one l-o-n-g week.

i just found out that people back at my former office are now keeping blogs =) hmmm, more interesting reads coming up for me. i should list them down here and visit them often for more updates on whats new with the life i left behind hehe =)

• beetle


• mai


• aneshka


• gi


• arjay


• watermark


• emms

now that everyone seems to be in the blog bandwagon, old timers like me feel well, really old hehe, the mania or the urge to blog about things has become too tiresome for me, sometimes i feel better lying down on my bed and chasing words that gather with the artificial stars pasted on my ceiling, words that will never be written down or marked immortal into blog pages such as this =) some things are better left unsaid. there is more beauty in things that cant escape the narrow confines of our imagination, it just sits there waiting to be unleashed by a powerful event that will forever change our lives.

it was raining again this afternoon when i went out, i cant really stay sad when everything else around me, even the weather, is gloomy. im not really sad though, im lost. and this loss confuses me, until i no longer know what to feel and how to feel.

this place is covered with black and sharp and stinging things, i cant stay here and wait till they come to life and choke me. i want to run far until they all fall out of my head into a place where things are pure and honest and real.

these days, writing has become too difficult, its hard to wade through words and pick one out from the herd and paste it down on paper without cutting a piece of my skin. everything hurts, and i dont know where the hurt comes from. does it hurt to be lost? i really dont know. when you're lost, you're afraid, afraid you won't find your way back, when your afraid, you are angry, angry of the unknown, angry for not knowing. but where does the hurt come in? why this aching feeling that grips through my heart like a claw?

tonight i will step out of this building, not knowing where to go, even as my feet involuntarily lead me back to that place i call my home. this city moves too fast, and though i can run with it until all things around me become a blur of unfeeling, there is really no point. because one day i will have to park, and when i do, im afraid there will be noone there to sit quietly beside me and share my stories.

"I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what i'm gonna do
when i get there
I take a breath and hold on tight Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace"
- breathing, lifehouse

after almost a decade of walking behind your shadows, i feel lost now that i have chosen a path away from you. you used to define me. you are in every line of my face, your memory burns through my veins like embers from a nearly extinguished fire.  i was nothing without you. "every step i took ever since i learned to walk was a step towards finding you", what do i do now? now that you are gone, my north star, my guiding light.. how do i start again? i didnt foresee that the outcome of letting go would be this - a vast chasm that eats away everything. a void that cant seem to be filled with light, a black hole that extinguishes all hope.

to any kindred soul out there, to the gods that must be, help me find my way back again...

"I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God I wish won't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off of me one more time"
- breathing, lifehouse

so this is how it feels to be free. free of comfort zones, free of people who break my walls only to create taller ones of their own. my heart is so light, there is no need to look back to the past and be sad, nor look forward into the future and worry, this is the ultimate feeling of letting go, its like being set free from prison after decades of captivity. at first i was so uncertain on which path to choose, or if i really wanted to be free at all, some part of me sighed and felt it needed to be in chains in order to have meaning, but the other more tired self just wanted to move on and let things be.

no time is the wrong time to be thinking about you. especially on late nights like this when the only company that keeps me awake is the sound of horns from vehicles plowing along ayala avenue.

i should be going home really, i have no business staying here, im too preoccupied with a zillion other miniscule distractions that prevent me from accomplishing my work. im just here so i can be with the presence of other people who are themselves distracted with some other trivial matter. i choose to stay here because being alone in my room with the noise that comes from inside my head is more troubling than sitting here and listening to the conversations of people in a foreign tongue.

its futile to escape the voices that wrap around my memory when i close me eyes at night. if only i could lock them all in a jar or throw them inside my closet where they could never escape, then maybe i will have better chances of hearing my own thoughts amidst all the confusion. its difficult to choose which me i should listen to everytime. i hope one of these days, a clear voice would finally speak up show me what i need to understand.

the clouds are pouring its rage on the towers of this spired city. im tempted to stay inside and let the storm pass but i have promises to keep.. after everything ive went through, a little drop of rain cant hurt me now.

promises, you said you hated making promises, because you always break them. but why make a promise you can never keep in the first place? to ease present doubts and worries? for immediate gain? ahh, i forgot, i can never know how your mind works, there are no reasons unreasonable enough for you

back to the present, i need to get out of this comfort zone and face heaven's rage if i want to move forward and prove myself, the path towards enlightenment is laden with challenges like this. i must not give up so easily.

"Most of us would like to believe we can have both security and freedom. But in Rich Dadｮ terms, these are two opposing values. My rich dad said, "Freedom and security are not the same ideals. In fact, in many ways, freedom and security are exact opposites. The people who have the most security are people in prison. Prisoners have the least freedom and the highest security. People in prison do not need to provide housing, food, recreation, health care, or education for themselves. They have a lot of security but at the price of their freedom."
- robert kiyosaki

my cousin kat lent me this book last weekend, and i just cant put it donw. studying, getting high grades, and getting a good job is really not enough in our changing times. at the end of the day, despite all our hardwork, we will still find ourselves making ends meet, or worst, in debt.. i should break the cycle.

rich dad, poor dad by robert kiyosaki is basically what my father always reminded me when i was in college, i just didnt have the courage to follow his advice back then. i was guided by fear. now i should know better..


title: rich dad poor dad
author: robert kiyosaki

few books actually make me feel like i've been hit by a brick wall of realization. "the road less travelled" by m scott peck is one of them.

i've had this book since november 2003, but i've only started reading it last month. there's just too much books on my bedside table right now and i just pick up anything from the pile before i go to sleep. im almost 50% done, and yeah im a slow reader.

i especially liked peck's discussion about the difference between love and being in love. i hope one day i can finally find both..

"Once we know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
- m. scott peck. "the road less travelled"



title: the road less travelled
author: m. scott peck

i sent an email to my college professor yesterday, telling her how ive been since i left cebu. she was here two days ago for a quick visit and she had lunch with her brother arjay, my current boardmate. too bad i wasnt able to see her then.

anyway, her reply to my email sort of triggered some distant memories in my brain, its like uncovering some boxes from under my bed. i am almost remembering college all over again.. i think she's right, im just making myself too pressured with things that shouldnt really be my responsibility, i shouldnt think too much. i recall what mary jane watson said to peter parker in spiderman 2 "dont you think its time you let somebody save you?"

here's an old letter i sent to miss when she left our college and pursued her dreams elsewhere:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Tuesday, April 15, 2003 10:11 AM
Subject: my letter for the card

dear miss,

thank you for being my friend,
thank you for teaching me things beyond finite state automata and polynomial space complete problems.
thank you for being an angel in my life
for watching me grow, while i pursue my dreams and pick up my broken pieces

i remember that one morning when i came in early for the 730 data struc class.
you were there on your table at the first floor computer lab, and i was scribbling something on my notebook. you asked me why i was in cebu, and we had some general conversation about things so mundane, that i dont quite recall them now.

i remember me weeping at your office back in 98 when i wanted to transfer in diliman but i couldn't.. i remember being sad because i would be the only one left behind in a strange city that speaks a strange language that i will never get used to.

i remember many things, bits and pieces, the tour to your new house on paper = the stories about your own personal journey into this madness that is life, i remember the invisible thread of hope that you've given me through the years, and the things you've sacrificed to stay in an institution which you believed in.

thank you for all those things you've done for me, and for the many others like me who are very fortunate to have met you on this road. you have a way of affecting people that one cannot help but go home and sleep at night with a happy thought that a kindred soul has been part of their lives. in this lifetime, there may be others who will fail to acknowledge your worth and fail to recognize and appreciate you, and i am sad for them because they will never know how good you are and how lacking their lives have become by closing their doors on you. i feel sad for UP that it will lose such an important person like you. you are the institution in UP.. you are part of the greatness of every student who have once been just another nameless faceless gray mass in the infinity of living each day.

you are part of how we do things, why we choose an elegant solution over an easy one, why we disdain vectors and praise data structures, and all the other little things that define the idealistic spirit in each of us.

but like us, you cannot confine yourself in a constricted space that will always hide and refuse to reward your talent. you are a teacher, a friend, but most of all, you are a human being too, and you have dreams, and you have goals, and as you watched us grow and live our dreams, the time has come for us to watch you grow too, and follow your dreams.. UP may have been that goal and that dream once, but time like the tide has shifted and has changed a lot of things, and i understand that you too must adapt to that change..

thank you miss.. for everything, i hope you get whatever your heart desires, and i too, hope that i could somehow give justice to what i have learned from you, so that i may one day do something great too.. and affect people in a positive way, the way you've done to me.

take care as you embark on yet another journey =) as you close another chapter in your life, and begin a new one, please don't forget that we are always here cheering for you.. =)

always,

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
- The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho.

i miss your late night text messages on the phone
saying sweet nothings
that time when you got all drunk and you said
what you never would have otherwise said, if you were sober..
you said you loved me..
i miss the dawns that find us together sitting on the sand
waiting for sunrise after a whole night
spent crusing the city on your friend's car,
listening to broken up songs and waiting
for the liquor to settle on our being.
i miss that time when i was drinking kamikaze
and my cheeks were all red
and you said "i wish i could take you home..", and you did,
if i was dreaming then, i wish you never woke me up. but you did
i miss the heavy rains on late evenings
while i walked you to the car,
you would hold my hand on those times
and be all quiet and serious
like it was the end of the world,
and indeed it was..

i miss missing you,
like right now,
when i force this verse out of my fingertips
i feel nothing,
there is no sadness, no pain, no hatred,

you have become
just another exercise
with words that have lost their meaning

06.03.2004.1.09.p.m.

i watch as those blades snip away
the strands that use to fall
over my shoulders
now they fall on the floor
like old pieces of history
that fell from the pages of my book
as i studied them back in high school
-- a past where i pulled you out of
such a long time ago to remember
tonight, of all nights
as i sit on this chair watching my hair
on the mirror that reflects my face
its odd though,
there are no traces of you
on the lines of my hand,
in between the spaces of my skin
or on the mirror that reflects my eyes
especially tonight, of all nights
when i had my hair cut
because of you

05.25.2004.7.28.p.m.

i bought this half heart silver pendant in baguio the last time i went there. people have been asking me where the other half is, and i always say that im still looking for it. one guy i went out with even searched his car and said: "maybe its here somewhere" =p oh well, wherever the other half of my heart is, im sure it will find me someday.. im in no rush.

where: Glorietta 4, Cinema 2
when: Wednesday, 19 Nay 2004. 11:30 p.m.

i watched troy last night with bonn and ynald. its a tragic movie about greed disguised as love and many other things in between.

tomorrow there will be a company outing in subic but since im not a regular employee here, i get to have a day off on friday. i am thinking of going to cebu but then the cost is holding me back. i'll probably just stay at home and recuperate, i'm not feeling well today.. i can also catch up on watching the dvds that i borrowed from ali and baron,

i wish it's 5pm already, this day is about to unfold inside meeting rooms, designing the data dictionary, ER diagrams, and screen items. there are so many things going on right now that i feel like a juggler walking on a tightrope, and no safety net to catch my fall. why do i always put myself in situations like this?

the sky was gray when i walked out of the house today, the weather station forecasted another typhoon looming, ah rainy season at last, i love the rain but i hate floods. you'd think that after that covenant with noah and the way technology has improved our lives today, you'd never see another killer flood in this day and age, but the haphazardly planned sewage system of this city negates all those. from june to december, average people of this city prepare themselves for the rainy season by buying not just umbrellas or rain coats, but also boots, pails, or even row boats.. such a sad state

i remember being young and waiting for the rain to fall so we kids would run outside and shower in the rain, we used to chase each other around the backyard as we create mud puddles all around.. we also made paper boats after the rain has passed and we raced each other across the puddles of water that collected on the rain gutters.. ah, the wonders of childhood, the little joys, and little sorrows.

as i grew up, the rain became my ally, it hid my tears in between each drop everytime i got heartbroken or disappointed with life. someone i secretly wished that i could be one with the rain, that i could just flow like water and be everywhere and nowhere all at once, waiting for the wind to propel me to wherever it chooses to go.

i looked out the window a while ago and noticed that the weather is still brooding, still deciding if it wants to open up the heavens and let the flood of rain fall and cleanse weary souls like mine..

in my heart of hearts, i wish it would..

i am the darkness
i am the velvet shadow that hides your dreams
i infect you with my gaze
and leave you restless, sleepless, and in total agony
at nights, i visit you in your slumber
i turn off the light from the stars
and hide the moon in thick dark clouds
i put my hand over your eyes and you become blind
but in your blindness you see me
towering over you like a deep dark fortress

i am the cold dark night
the one that leaves you shivering
and powerless and lonesome and grieving
i wrap my cape around you like a thick fog
and in the silence you question your existence
you toss yourself into the abyss
only to find yourself still here
trapped inside my web like an insect
wings torn, and tired and fallen

i am the merciless storm
that tears everything and everyone in sight
i trample upon your heart over and over
and yet you come back for more tormenting
you hide your tears in my icy rain but you fool noone,
you are defeated, conquered, forsaken
in the end there is only me
holding you like a puppet on my string
drinking the life from your veins until you are no more
at last, we become one and the curtains fall

5.12.2004.1.21.p.m.

"i feel no pain, i feel no sadness. i am hollow and i will live forever" - Count Vladislaus Dracula (Van Helsing)

went out of town last saturday to visit the famed hinulugang taktak in antipolo. i was with mom and baron. it was a long ride, we left makati at around 430pm and arrived past 8pm at greenland. we ate a lot, and now my stomach is suffering, baron was nice, he fetched water so we could take a shower (that's how it's done in the province =p) and he carried most of the heavy stuff that we accumulated while shopping. the waterfalls is in a bad state i must say, it was really a big disappointment.

we were back in the city by sunday afternoon and had a steak dinner at greenhills, it took us a while to find the "house of minis". i love the lamb chops there.

today i'm back to work and my stomach is still queasy, ria and lizette emailed me about the drunken revelation at their malapascua get away. i wish i was there.

i've been sober for too long, i don't remember how it feels like to be inebriated anymore =)

on calm days i love this song,

Here Is Your Paradise
by Chris de Burgh

I never knew love could be a silence in the heart,
A moment when the time is still,
And all I've been looking for is right here in my arms,
Just waiting for the chance to begin;

I never knew love could be the sunlight in your eyes,
On a day that you may not have seen,
And all I've been searching for, well words could never say,
When a touch is more than anything;

Maybe you will never know how much I love you,
But of this, be sure;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;

And in the dark night, you'll follow the bright light
And go where the love must go,
And you will wake in the morning to a brand new day,
Take all your worries away;

Maybe you will never know how much I love you,
But of this, be sure,
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore;
Here is your paradise, here is your book of life,
Where you and I will be forevermore

here is how i fared in this online personality disorder test: (goes to show how demented i am)

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

some additional info from www.mentalhealth.com

Paranoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
2. is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
3. is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
4. reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
5. persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
6. perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
7. has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Schizoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
2. almost always chooses solitary activities
3. has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
4. takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
5. lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
6. appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
7. shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity
Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, another Psychotic Disorder, or a Pervasive Developmental Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition

Borderline Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
4. is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
5. is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Dependent Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
2. needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
3. has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.
4. has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
5. goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
6. feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
7. urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
8. is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

here's a fairly detailed account of my recent baguio escapade =)


the journeythe trip to baguio itself is already an adventure, getting there, and getting out of there was the real challenge. my friend ree and i were hoping to catch the 2am bus trip but arriving there at exactly 2am didnt really help =p we really couldnt blame ourselves because i must admit, it was hard getting a taxi at 1am while standing at the train railways =) the next available trip would be at 6;30am, camping out at the bus terminal waiting till sunrise didnt sound like a good idea so we just opted to risk and try the unknown by going there via dagupan,. the next bus to dagupan leaves at 3am, so we happily seated ourselves on the bus and crossed our fingers. there was still hope that we'll arrive at our destination in one piece =)

we reached dagupan at around 9am, and the bangus festival was on going, part of me wanted to stay there and see the festival, but the bigger part of me just wanted to board the next bus and proceed to the pine tree haven. i was so tired, my head ached, and i was on the verge of hurling, apparently i'm not used to long bus rides anymore, and we havent even reached the place.

finally at half past 11, we got out of the baguio victory terminal with our 10pm return trip tickets for sunday.


the shop-a-holicsmy cousin arrived to pick us up at the terminal and we proceeded to her place to deposit our things and take a quick shower. the ice cold water brought me back to reality, and i was wide awake again in no time despite the fact that i havent slept in 30 hours straight. we had lunch at dencio's which was housed in the newly constructed SM, the place was great, it sat on top of a hill overlooking the mountains and the city. we had a big lunch which probably was a sign that there was a long and tiring day ahead, and indeed the day went by as prophesized. we shopped for souvenirs, clothes and what have you. incidentally there was a 3 day midnight sale at SM, so we also took part in that, at around 12am, there was a band at the bazaar area and they were playing john mayer songs. i was cold and foot sore before we retired back to our room. but even before that, we were already contemplating on how we'd get back to the city earlier than 10pm the next day. if our computations were correct, we'd be arriving at around 4am monday, and that would leave us very little time for preparation in going to work. we had two options:

1. sell our return tickets and go home via dagupan again
2. try our luck being chance passengers for the 4pm trip

we chose the option 2 and i fell asleep listening to the beach boys sing my favorite sad song =)


sunrise and picnici woke up at 6am the next day and watched the sun go up while i stood on the terrace, so many things were going through my head, things from the past that kept flashing back, but i blocked them all out, i looked at the 2 sleeping figures on the bed and i wished i was still asleep and not thinking too much. so sleep again i did, or rather tried, i snuggled against the big hotdog pillow and pulled the sheets over my head, i wanted to hide and wait for the rest of the world to wake up. we finally went out of the house at around past 10, we shopped for some more souvenirs and procured our lunch.

getting lunch was in itself an ordeal, we walked for around 30 minutes just to buy food from different shops, finally we boarded a taxi to camp john hay. we had a picnic there near the small statue of liberty and after that we visited the graveyard of bad habits. we walked and walked and finally took another cab to take us back to the dry goods market so we can buy some bottled food stuff that we could bring home to our friends or family, my cousin bought two potted rose plants that her aunt requested, it was really heavy and i kidded her that maybe her aunt was an evil step mom in disguise =p


the long way homewe were standing in line at the terminal by 3:30pm and there were already around 40 people in front of us, the chance that we would be boarding an early bus looked slim considering that they were calling only 2 or 3 chance passengers per bus per hour. then the bonus trip came, and it was like winning a lottery jackpot, 50 people were accomodated, ree was so happy, my cousin was lost in her virtual world of texting =p, and i was just relieved that we would finally be able to sit down, my feet were still literally swelling, some insect probably bit me.

the ride home was rather uneventful, the driver played old love songs while most people slept. kat and i talked about childhood and dreams and fears. it brought back memories of summers spent in bulacan, moving from one city to the other, changing schools every so often and not making friends, college teachers and favorite subjects, moving away and living alone, things that go by unnoticed or things that want to fade into oblivion and things that dont want to be remembered, we talked about everything and nothing at all.

at the bus stopover, we went down to buy some snacks and to stretch our aching legs. kat and ree slept for the remainder of the trip while i drifted in and out of reality, listening to the song selection of the local radio station.

"You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night"
- "Promise Me" (Beverly Craven) -

im trying to run away from my past by moving away but i seem to be going in circles, maybe i was right, there is no ultimate point of arrival, the journey is a circle, and if we find ourselves standing where we started, then that doesnt mean that we have gone nowhere, because we may have lost parts of ourselves by getting where we are, but we've also gained pieces that will make our puzzle complete.

i'm off to baguio at 2am tomorrow, its my second time to go there, the first time was 3 years ago i think, i hope i can write something about the experience when i come back on sunday. happy weekend everyone =)

here's a rehash from beyond forever:



tops: a journey revisited
The first time I went to tops was back in 1996 with family and friends. We were first timers in Cebu, so we did the obligatory tour around the best spots of the city. And tops was one of them, so they say. I hated the place then, it was raining, there were no stars, the wind was freezing and worse, I didn't bring a jacket. It was just like Tagaytay without the volcano, the hanging bridge, cottages, the lake, the boat ride... The next day I woke up with a flu, and a fever so high I could make water boil with my head, hmm, well not really, but it felt like that anyway. I thought to myself, next time I wont let myself be dragged from my bed without my trusty jacket, especially when mountain tops are in the destination list.

The next time was with a friend. Apparently my friend hasn't been there yet, so i felt that it was my duty to pay one of Cebu's tourist spots a visit in honor of my friend. Some sort of a tribute before my friend left for somewhere, with a hint of not coming back. We went there out of a whim actually. After watching the last full show of good will hunting at Ayala, and going home to my room with a final exam in logic and set theory at the back of my head, I decided to go out and find a taxi that would take us to tops. there was nothing new with the place, two years after I first visited it, the entrance fee was higher though, I noticed. It was almost the end of the semester, with a promise of a two month much awaited and well deserved summer vacation for battered college students like us.., and yet there was a sense of foreboding goodbyes and unremarked leave-takings. Somehow everything in my head has come together to show me some of the spirit of that strange and enchanting place. perhaps it is not only the place which makes a moment worthwhile, but also the people, events and feelings wrapped around with it. We went home at around 2a.m. It was foolish of me to bring my notebook there, thinking I would be able to study in the cold and dark. The next day I hurried to finish my exam, my friend would be leaving by boat that afternoon, and I left my damn diskette at home, very convenient for me, especially since that day was supposed to be the deadline of our last programming assignment. "sky rockets in flight" was still playing in my mind, a fragment of the song "afternoon delight", as I was boarding the jeepney back to school. I did not dare look back to my friend's shadow walking away from me. I hate goodbyes.

The last time I went there was two years and two months ago today. I was with that same friend, but the wind was blowing differently then. A pause between our words could mean a heart beat or a heart break. It was like a dance with the devil, a wrong step and he wins your soul. I'll never forget that last time, again it was unexpected. I got a text message out of the blue, we were to meet at my friend's house then go wherever the soles of our feet would take us. 15 minutes at the net cafe, a light snack at dunkin with the pineapple filled donut out of stock, and me ending up with a pineorange juice instead. We practiced aimless wandering for some time, saying things at the top of our minds, things without meanings, things that could easily slip out like "when were you ever fair?". and me clutching my heart afraid i'd miss a step and end the dance too soon.

It's funny how I recall things long past and take each fragment of memory as if they were from yesterday, the wounds still fresh, the scents still lingering.. I guess that's my punishment for having a long term memory.

What can I say about tops that last time? I don't know, nothing much really, I remember paying for the entrance fee with my hundred peso bill and forgetting the change, I remember looking earnestly at the cliff, bare without trees, at my cell phone wondering foolishly to myself why it has a signal, and my friend laughing at my stupidity pointing out that we are near a communications tower. There were no stars that night, or maybe the light from the tower was just too bright, I didn't see the moon either. I only heard random voices whispering in dark. I didn't catch if they were lies or promises, neither did i care.

In the universe I am merely a dot. a singular light that may fade out any minute, nothing I could have done would have made a difference. but there I was struggling to freeze frame the moment, to stop the morning light from coming, and to keep our minds inebriated by shadows of the past. our worlds spun too fast that i almost lost my bearings.

The walk home was the longest I ever took. Literally and metaphorically. There were no taxis waiting at the top of the mountain and so we had to go down on foot. we went home at 6am and slept till well past noon. The next day, in a state of dazed, suspended euphoria, I couldn't bring my legs to stand up.

Time has a way of stealing moments from our lives. in spasms of sentiment I wonder what it would be like to remain behind, be swallowed by the memories, be buried in the past. Of course, I can't; I'm moving on, wherever that may be next.

i dont know why this song makes me sad.. i first heard it in the movie "50 first dates", which is too good to be true really, maybe that's why instead of giving me hope, it just made me more bitter =/

today im late as usual, i just cant seem to pull myself out of bed by 630am when i've only just closed my eyes. Im lucky when i get five hours of sleep these days

"Wouldn't It Be Nice"
>Beach Boys

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

listen to the song here

it was 3am again on my mobile phone clock when i finally drifted off to sleep this morning, its been like that for weeks now. im probably having a hard time adjusting my body clock back to normal, or maybe im just a night person. my friend julette said that "a good cop cant sleep because he is thinking about the missing piece while a bad cop cant sleep because his conscience is bothering him", good thing im not a cop =p

it seems like i've relocated my hell in the business district of makati, the hell of long work hours, no holidays, over time, over night, lates, undertimes, it's corporate structure and tightrope once again, maybe you really cant escape things by moving away, or maybe some people are just meant to do the dirty job, anyway, i plan to retire from this career by december, and hopefully next year, i'll be lining up for food rations at the local garbage dump.

they say that if you dont know where you're headed, then it doesnt matter which road you take. so this may be the main reason why im just drifting, and the current seems to be taking me to nowhere.

its three days to saturday, sometimes simple pleasures like this is what gets me through the day. it gives me hope. what does saturday hold? i dont know, maybe a whole day lying in bed while the aircon hum competes with the cats on the roof, and my dvds or cable switched on 24/7, or maybe a stroll in the local malls, getting lost in the colors and watching another movie, or perhaps a long drive out of town to a place where the temperature is 10 degrees lower.

the sky is limitless, with endless possibilities, and so is this day, three days to saturday,

someday you'll run out of things to say
and you'll sit by my side
and watch me watch the sunset in silence
someday you'll finally find time to listen
without the need to pass judgements
and debate about world views and highest truths
and other things that matter only to people
who have so much time to think
someday i will pass by your world
and color your sky with bright red
but you will never notice
you will be blind and deaf and unfeeling
you will be lost in books and words and meanings
someday the wind will hold your feet
but you will keep on walking
because you've spent too many years
sitting, reading, listening
someday you will feel the rain
brush against your cheek like a tired friend
and you will walk each other home
and once again you shall find yourself
Alone.

04.11.2004.10.51.p.m.

i left while you were sleeping
i couldnt bear to see you sad
i kissed your cheek, one last time
and wiped the mist from my eyes

i bid you goodbye so silently
so as not to wake you up
and as the moonbeams lighted my path
i closed the door and never turned back

i walked gently between the drops of rain
the curtains never saw me weep
there was no last look, last touch, last word..
this is how, my dear, i leave.

03.30.2004.12.12.p.m.

another drunken soul splitting moment
in the heart of heartless libis and makati
fascinated by the lights of rockwell
and the architecture of eastwood city
we sit and wait for the evening's plan
to materialize like some epiphany.

eleventeen shots pouring at 3am
BLISS was quiet except for six souls
trying to stop the dawn from coming

tequila, sprite and gin pom flooded
as st. madz endlessly repeated:
"there's the cr and that's the sink"
amidst zet's complaints and hollow smoke rings
john and darrix alternated with the electric guitar
arjay counted snores in the background
while i stayed and refilled the glasses

its moments like these that take the gray
out of mindless meanings or create more fogs
on what's already obscure. i sat and listened
detached from the blind who wanted to see,
and the undeaf who refused to hear..

riding a cab back to the hotel at 6am
calling in sick, and just lying in bed,
staring at the ceiling, with my head pounding..
everything was moving, and everything was still...

last night, i was a spectator,
a faceless being in the crowd
who mostly listened, and never talked much

how lucky i am,
that i was never more than that

03.08.2004.06.55.p.m.

i used to sit and wait for the night
to fill the sky with stars
as i ask the lingering shadows
where the world has gone

i used to wonder if i could count
the thousand shades of sunset
and store them one by one in a bottle
that i could open on cold dark midnights

i used to think about other people
who stare silently at the moon
weaving dreams of forever
and tales of love lost and found again
or myths of love lost and gone for always

i used to believe in things i cannot touch
in things i could only feel
through words stuck inside my chest
i used to believe..

.
.
.

last night i stood and watched
as makati's towers light up
against the dying sun

last night
pieces of my old self died.

03.03.2004.12.38.p.m.

i have been parked for so long that i have forgotten how it is to rush headlong into uncertainty. i have become complacent, i have faded into mediocrity, just as i've always thought i would. i sit and do my job and wait for the next paycheck to tide me over and buy me little things that never matter or take me to places that leave no memory on me. i have forgotten how to scrounge the earth for the last piece of bread that would mean my sanity or my survival. i have become too sure, too proud, too comfortable in my own little world that sometimes i feel i have no more reason to wake up the next morning.

i need to do this. i need to leave my comfort zone. i need to get lost in order to discover new worlds. i need to say goodbye so that i may have more hellos to look forward to.

news flash: i just resigned from my job. i am now part of the millions whose only certainty lies on the next setting of the sun, wish me lots of love as i shoulder my pack, and find myself.

"So meet me and we'll drive this car away
we can leave right now what do you say
we'll head out for the wide and open spaces
if we can clear the way"
- Duncan Sheik "Start Again" -

sometimes you have to
jump over the bridge
without strings
to bind your feet
if only to know
how falling feels like
after standing too long
and how water tastes like
after experiencing a drought

sometimes you have to
leave your comfort zone
and take big risks
with no sure wins
just so you'd remember
how to rise up again
after every great fall
or how to appreciate what's left
after a very big loss.

sometimes you have to
get up, move on
grab you pack
and wander off
into worlds unknown
or get lost
in anonymity
if only to find
your home,
your life,
your self,
once more

sometimes you just have to..

let go.


02.09.2004.06.42.2004

"sometimes i get tired of all the struggles i have yet to fight, all the stories i have yet to tell, all the places, the words, the people, i have yet to travel, to write, and to see...

sometimes i just want to sit in my own little corner and watch the world pass me by...

sometimes i wish someone would just sit there, quietly beside me, and know, without saying a word, without asking a question, all the fears and demons hiding inside me,

and somehow i wish that someone would understand.

sometimes i ask myself, if you could be that someone somehow sometime."

i have no words to ease my hapless fate
nor shadowed corners to hide myself in
the songs of hope they sang were sang too late
while rhymes they wrote were all so broken in

had cupid landed on someone else's heart
then mine own eyes would have escaped despair
but luck decided for love to depart
and leave my broken self beyond repair

i know someday there'll be more dreams to make
more stars, more skies, more places to behold
till then i know this grief i have to take
perhaps to make my heart more strong, more cold

till then, i pray, your name will never bring
as much sadness as one forgotten thing

01.12.2004.03.59.p.m.

i saw you last night, your eyes were filled with stars
bright stars i could not see
lonely stars that have lost their meaning for me

i walked towards you but away from you
watching my madness fall
in between the places we dare not go

i love you still..
but with a heart that does not skip a beat when i hear your name
i love you still...
but with a love that has no more substance, no point, no purpose.

last night, you looked back at me
with a faint smile
nodding a greeting in the distilled silence

we blinked, at the exact same time,
and for a moment,

we are,
you and i

but you walked away under the hazy moonlight

and yes,
even in dreams,

you leave me.

01.05.2004.5.05.p.m.