When welcoming the New Year, It is customary to recap events or enumerate if not rank people or things that had some significant impact in our lives for that passing year. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, that's all relative, as long as it affected or changed us, then it should be recognized. So to honor this tradition, here's my best of 2008:

- trips: San Francisco, Hawaii, Oregon Coast, Seattle, LA, San Diego, Vancouver mainland / islands, and Toronto; not nearly as many as last year and mostly cities I've already gone to, I was running out of new places to visit that don't require a visa, (I need a blue passport ;p )

- firsts: Despite my being ancient, I still have lots to discover on this earth. Here's a list of new things I tried:
* sailing, driving a powerboat, sleeping in a boat on a freezing night, snorkeling, kayaking, camping, doing the grouse grind, hiking the chief, staying at hostels, hitching rides, talking to random people, exploring lava tubes, watching a volcano spew magma up close, cycling along the seawall, cycling across the golden gate, running to catch ferries, missing plane flights, having turkey dinner, watching live hockey game, shoveling snow, pumping gas, sleeping over at other people's house, attending parties with people I don't really know, staying away from allergens and alcohol, actually taking my meds and finishing a bottle, and allowing myself to be friends with people outside my bubble

- misses: Knowing I have issues with failure, this year has been particularly difficult for me because of some heartbreaking mishaps:
* being kicked out of the house because I leave early / come home late to / from work all the time, camping at the office since I have no other place to go, dealing with the rollback of the same project which robbed me of my time and caused my living arrangement to deteriorate, coming to terms with the fact that everybody is replaceable and can be fired or sent home without notice no matter how much they know or gave up, feeling like a pawn in a chess game - so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, becoming a burden by sleeping over at other people's couches while looking for new place to rent, coping with disappointment of a post release breakdown, missing family and not being able to go home to people who truly care for me, dealing with fake people and playing their games while trying to keep my soul intact, understanding that some people never say what they mean nor mean what they say and doing my best not to be like them, and finally accepting that I am nothing, a nobody, a tiny flame who can't even cast a proper shadow.

- lessons: Experiences happen to teach us something, so I distill these events and ferment them with time, until they no longer hurt, that way I can finally see them for what they truly are, and appreciate what they taught me.
* living alone in a faraway country without family or friends is tough, last year was bearable because I had relatives and workmates with whom I can relate to, I never felt misplaced, or homesick, but after losing them and having to face all these disappointments, I learned valuable lessons on humility, patience, understanding and acceptance.

I went through a phase of depression right after coming back in August, I was homeless, a failure at work, stripped of my friends, and without anybody to turn to but God. I prayed for an Angel to guide me because I couldn't do it on my own, but it's not reslly my nature to ask for or accept help, so I kept sinking into the black hole.

Outside I was this strong, self sufficient, in control, calm, cool, and collected person, a complete structure on it's own that didn't need anything else in this world, but each night I was breaking down till it just became too much to bear. I missed being hugged and crying on someone's shoulder, I missed being told that everything will be alright and tomorrow will be better. I never felt more miserable in my entire existence on this planet.

"after great pain, a formal feeling comes; the way freezing persons recollect the snow, first the pain, then the stupor, then the letting go"

So I decided to let go, let the waves crush me to the rocks and stop fighting the tides, I started putting everything in place, making sure the world will turn uninterrupted for people I will leave behind in case my time here is done. I have always lived each day as if it were my last, but now I have this urgency to share everything I know and give everything I have, leaving only the minimum to myself. I keep saying I'm done with all this pain, I'm ready to give up.

- resolution: I'm not a person who makes these, instead I have goals or some sort of general direction where I see myself in the next 365 days. But as it is, I don't really plan stuff, I just flip coins. Unfortunately I gave up my coin some months ago, so now I have nothing, I'm just waiting to be led..

With this coming year, I feel the winds of change are blowing once more, I will keep all these lessons like seashells from some sandy shore and put them all on my shelf of recollection. I am embracing the unknown and letting the rain shape me and mold me to become someone better, or crush me into pieces until I return to the dust where I came from. I don't really care anymore. Such is life.

The Middle
by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl
you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

Vancouver weather forecast was snowstorm over the holidays so I knew I had to fly to some warm city or else I'll freeze to death in my apartment while my last memory would be of annoying barking dog in the background. So where's the nearest warm city at this time of the year? San Diego!

Dec 24: arrived at 8pm and practiced aimless wandering at downtown SD. Nothing much to see on a rainy night but strolled along Embacadero and got a glimpse of the bay bridge to Coronado. Watched random strangers as they hurried off to places they needed to be. For a moment I was reminded of things and people I missed like home, family, and friends, but I had to brush the feeling away, or else I would just fall into the black hole. Playing at TGI Friday's while I was passing by: The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

Dec 25: after surviving Christmas eve away from family, I woke up to blue skies and sunny day. Hiked to Balboa Park to check out the museums but they were all closed, so went to the zoo instead to visit Panda, maybe learn some Kung Fu, and a few other Oriental words while I'm at it ;) it started to rain after I said hi to the polar bear so I took the gondola and walked back home in time for my $5 Christmas dinner prepared by the hostel volunteers. It was great, best five bucks spent this month. I expected to be tired from a day of walking, but somehow my brain can't shutdown, so I tried to write myself to sleep once more.

Dec 26: feeling a bit adventurous or stupid or both, decided to take the trolley to San Ysidro, the town next to the Mexican border. People kept saying it was dangerous to go there because of the random acts of violence, but I had nothing to lose so I took my passport, got a day pass and hopped on the Blue Line. There is nothing to see at the border, just an outlet mall and a one way street to Mexico. Wanted to see what's on the other side and go buy me a snow globe but I didn't have a visa so I couldn't cross the line. Just ended up hopping on and off buses and following people around until I got sick of it and all the roads were just a blur of unfamiliar signs. Got off at some forgotten avenue and walked 14 blocks back to temporary home. Before i retired to dreamless sleep at 4am, I felt like a tiny insignificant dot in the mass of humanity.

Dec 27: 3 days has passed and still I haven't seen the beach so bought another day pass and took bus 30 to La Jolla. It has a breakwater where seals starbathe and a cove facing the Pacific ocean. Became a beach bum for a day and walked from end to end, the water was too cold to dip in without a wetsuit. Looking at the big waves I can just imagine that on the other side of that vast ocean is home, and those waves crushing the rocks on my feet will be the same waves touching the shores of my land, if only it can carry me away from here then maybe it will be ok. Watched the sunset atop a large rock formation while the rest of the people used their high powered telephoto lense to immortalize nature's marvel on canvas. I only had my eyes, my memory and my words to capture the colors of dusk swallowing the sky. One loves the sunset when one is sad.

Dec 28: last day in sunny SD, checked out of hostel at 11 then took bus 901 to Coronado, it was a 30 minute ride from 10th and Market. I love the sandy beach in this place, should have gone here from day 1 but it was raining then. Played chess on the beach and walked along the coastline, then all too soon I had to catch the bus back to the airport. My 5 day vacation to sunny city has come to an end. Now I am preparing myself to brave the cold harsh winter of Canada. It was fun while it lasted, just when the place has started to grow on me, it's time to move on again, such is life. I'm just thankful that I have this opportunity to set foot on an uncharted region that used to be just another postcard picture for me. Life is good. The future is friendly. We're growing together. I should keep this thought for the New Year.

first live hockey game i watched. 3-1, chicago won.

learned a lot of life lessons this year. this could be one of the most interesting year in my career as a human being. it's bad to care a lot and be taken for granted, it's terrible to work too much and feel so little. but it's worst to see the wheel grinding slowly towards you and still be stuck in the middle of everything, unable to step away and be saved.

i pray every day for God to give me strength and hope and patience to not be disappointed by the realities of life. yet i still lack this wisdom to know the difference between things i should have the serenity to accept and those i should have the courage to change. still a work in progress, but i am just so tired and disillusioned by everything else around me.

the holidays are around the corner, but it doesn't really feel like it when i look at my outlook calendar. i want to get out of this place and be somewhere sunny with good people who say what they mean and mean what they say. once you see through the matrix of lies and manipulation, it's hard to stay the same carefree person i was before i got tangled up in this mess.

these days i just close my eyes and wish myself away on a plane landing at my city, and being surrounded by people who truly care, or better yet i just want to never open my eyes again to this world of deceit and corruption, i pray every night that my journey in this life ends soon, i have seen enough.

Smile
by Chris Rice

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now

You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

today turned out to be a beautiful sunny day. with fluffy white clouds floating against a backdrop of blue skies. i spent the night at my cube trying to rescue myself out of this state of mental fatigue, where everything just stops and i cant move forward. couldn't really go home to face my half filled box alone, so i might as well string words into technical documents, that could be an effective desensitizing tool, except i was like a caterpillar moving two steps back for every step forward. nothing made sense, could be the sugar making me restless and destroying my focus, could be anything or nothing, who knows.

got home at around 8am and slept for three hours, now i'm just sitting, staring at the window, reading and listening to songs, waiting for my heart to calm down, i think i'm gonna have a coronary haha. it's the sunny days i fear the most, they kill words, because beauty is its own excuse for being. i should go out soon and be with people who keeps me grounded.

deep breathing, recite the alphabet backwards. i just need to be hugged until the world stops spinning. this song helps somehow.

Love is the Answer
by: Raymond Hannisian

Morning comes and I must go; day is breaking yonder.
After all the places I have been, now I'm going home.
I have been to seek the sky, to travel on the highway
And the time has come, I don't know why
I am going home.

Where is the answer to so many questions
I don't know, so I begin another journey
Where is the meaning for my world
I see the answer now.

Though we came by diff'rent roads, now we walk together.
Stay beside me all our days, strangers never more.
Through the cool of summer rains, by the hearthside fire
Here I'll be with you when nothing remains
I am home to stay.

For love is the answer to so many questions
Now I know, and I can stop my endless wand'ring
Love gives the meaning to my world
I see the answer now.

Love gives meaning to my world
And I see the answer now

Love is the Answer… Love!

so apparently cookies are very complicated things, i've learned a lot about them in the past 3 days. here's some invaluable knowledge that i am bound by duty to share: don't eat them raw, don't eat them burnt, never microwave them using the oven baking instructions as guide, the best way to bake them is to ask someone to do it for you, and finally, they're addictive and allergenic.

now that i'm sugar high, finger swollen, running across the hallways in my windwall jacket, racking my brain for words to put on my use cases, as none of this really long mispunctuated sentence is making sense;

i can't seem to get this song out of my system at four in the morning:

"Upside Down"
by Jack Johnson

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

it doesn't really take much persuasion for me to hop on a plane and skip town for nothing or anything at all. a tap on my shoulder and i will be all set in 5 minutes. that's how much i prefer to be on the road rather than sitting still inside the same four walls. and so i called my batchmate from university slash ex workmate slash ex roommate slash family friend whom i haven't seen for two years and asked if i could crash at her place, she now lives in brampton with her husband and is expecting a baby. well, if last year was the year of getting hitched for most of my friends, this year seems to be the year for procreating.

and so last tuesday found me on a plane to pearson, leaving raincouver for a glimpse of clear blue skies or hopefully even snow, anything other than grey gloomy rain is good enough for me. i like toronto's unpredictable weather where it's sunny in the morning, then rains at noon and snows at night - i prefer any kind of variation even weather disturbances compared to the constant monotonous downpour. i showed up at our scarborough office and saw the people i used to work with last year. i like consilium better than the boot, running across the buidings to get to the next face to face meeting beats staring at my monitor for netmeeting and bridge telecons where people pretend to be on mute when they're not really listening, swiping cards on the elevators to go to the right floor, junk food on the vending machines, giant flat screen tv's and sprawling couches, walking across the street to get food at the town center, it just feels more alive to be there, i dont know, maybe its just me.

when one is short on the family card, one stacks up on friends. however being socially inept, i only have maybe five friends who are like family to me, they are the ones who know what goes on behind my eyes and what i've gone through, they have sort of "adopted" me into their lives, and will most probably pick me up from the emergency room if i ever wander there, i could always rely on them to not lead me astray. and even as we grow older and move on to building our lives apart from each other, i know i can always count on these friends to let me crash in their couch when i'm homeless, or hold my hand and hug me and pick me up from the abyss when i fall off my ladder. they are the ones who dont need or expect anything from me, who accepts me as i am and dont try to change me. well actually they try to mold me into someone "better", whatever better means, but they still tolerate me even if i dont. they never force me to conform to their truths, they know what's good for me and they take care of me. we can choose friends but not family, and so i choose my friends well and make them family. unfortunately, these friends are now scattered all over the world and it takes at least a 5 hour plane ride to get to the nearest one.

on this trip, i got back in touch with the reality that life is not equal to work and that the truth is out there outside clearcase builds and shakedowns. i was updated with what's happening outside provisioning and got reacquainted with food and sleep - those things being social events for me, i actually think i gained 20 pounds in 7 days. i remembered that when i am asked "how's life?", i can't just get away with "life's good", i actually need to bore into the details, coz my friend really wants to squueze me dry and know everything. i re-learned that people really care and are not just being polite when they ask "how are you?", that it's not just a conversation starter before they move on to more interesting things like element adapters and web services.

i was reminded that i can always count on friends to make me feel better about myself when i dont have my family beside me to tell me that i matter. and that they will always be ready to listen to me when i need a sounding board. its so easy to go to the dark side when one is alone and surrounded by gray things. my mom would say i should pray when things bother me, but i still need physical manifestations - people to be exact, to be there for me. now if only i had that here in raincouver then maybe life will be more bearable until i come back home again.

today, back in this gray town, my restless heart and wandering soul has taught me one truth, every place, every landscape, they are all meaningless, after sailing the seas, climbing the mountains, and exploring all the nooks, what's the next frontier? it's the people attached to each city that makes it special. and someday i will find a place where i can sit down and be content.

no, i haven't tried playing this game yet but i saw a real live guitar hero at a friend's place in downtown. he's visiting from japan and he really knows his music well. we had barbecue and send off dinner for him while he played his original compositions.

i miss my guitar.

in an effort to replenish my endorphins, went to the gym yesterday to visit my ex best friend last winter - the elliptical machine. the office has a magnet that doesn't fail to reel me in, so i went up to my cube to declutter my table. on the way to the warer station, i couldn't help but notice other people's desks. each one is unique and has something significant that tells about the personality of the one occupying it. some had toys, pictures, papers, some were dirty, too organized, accumulating dust - all of them characteristic of their inhabitant, mirrors of their soul.

when i went back to my seat, i tried to read myself, like a game of poker. but i couldn't really tell much. on my corkboard, there's a print out of release dates, and right below it the serenity prayer. on my shelves are snow globes from places i've visited since i came here last year. below my monitor are souvenirs from places that my friends explored. i have two 500 ml bottles of water, some documents neatly stacked, a mirror that shows me if the window behind me offers sunny skies or gloomy rain, empty boxes of "toys", a miniature chess set, company critters, and that's it - all of them are random things that's supposed to keep me grounded and help me focus.

FOCUS!

since i moved to my new place 3 months ago, i never really found time to transfer my clothes from the luggage bag into the closet, i'm still living off my suitcase and my bed doesn't really look like someone sleeps on it. usually i would be downstairs at the living room couch, hugging the giant throw pillow while debugging life as a window cleaner. didn't even bother setting up shop in my room, after all i always fly off to somewhere anyway, and it's more convenient to have my things in a backpack that i could easily tow along with me when i suddenly decide to skip town.

i'm thinking this is the reason why i'm suspended in sleepless state these days - maybe my room is not conducive for slumber. i'm trying to make it look like my room back home as best i can but it takes a lot of time and energy to do that. first i would need to recreate my constellation of artificial stars on the walls and ceiling. then i would need a bed wide enough so i could spin in circles plus at least seven pillows and complete silence and darkness (aside from my stars), and my mom tucking me in and hugging me to sleep - that last part is something i can't really buy from any store.

i've tried counting sheep and chicken and cows, i already have a whole animal farm in my head, but it's still not working. maybe i should go back to the gym, the elliptical always makes me sleepy, i'll try that next week.

hey, that's not even grammatically correct, but it doesn't matter, this isn't a test, so we're good. today i woke up and said i'm going to rearrange my perspective a bit, move some clutter out of the way and pack the pile neatly into boxes - refocus on things that i can do something about, and forget about the others that are too stubborn to budge.

on top priority is to take this language proficiency exam to prove that i can somehow express myself in this syntax. so retarded, that's what my teammate told me, and it is, why do i have to spend a whole day and a quarter of a grand just for this lousy certificate? oh well, i don't really make the rules here, i just comply.

next on my list is dissecting the anatomy of a third wheel. this one is tricky. no api, no formula, no equations, i guess i will just have to figure this out on my own.. why am i so socially inept?

last but not the least is to make some semblance of a plan in my life.. wow, i guess i really am a grown up now. that sucks! i still have a mental age of 7, i wanna stay in neverland. =(

October 22-26 is the First Brazilian Film Festival in Vancouver, it was organized by Inffinito at the Vancouver International Film Center in Seymour. This is one of those limited seats only cinema where you have to get a membership and line up outside in the cold just to get a ticket for the show. Several notable people in Brazil's film industry were present on the last night of the event - we were sitting right in front of them at the theater (so that's why people kept coming up to us to take videos and photos haha).

Walter Carvalho (the guy sitting behind us) got recognition for outstanding contribution in cinematography. They featured one of his films - Love for Sale: Suely in the Sky. The plot itself was plain and reminiscent of those depressing Filipino movies where the young girl makes some really stupid choices because of "love" - in the end she sells her body through a raffle - her ticket to get out of her small town and feed her baby. The dialogue and screenplay leaves much to be desired but the colors and film editing is definitely impressive.

All in all the movie was so so, the film fest experience was good, and the company I was with was great. Although it was a struggle to sit still for 4 hours of awarding ceremonies, feature presentation and a depressing film, what else would I have done instead on a Sunday night? Fright night at PNE? Hmmm nah, I guess this was the best I could do for my birthday eve.

People get hooked to a lot of things - drugs, alcohol, religion, work, games, sports. gadgets, food, people, feelings.. Often the main reason why we get addicted to something is because of the sensation it gives us - it makes us feel good about ourselves or the environment around us. It temporarily allows an escape from more pressing problems that need attention. Sometimes it's all about boredom, idle hands are the devil's workshop. We get sucked into the black hole because there is nothing constructive or creative that keeps us preoccupied.

The reason why some are more susceptible to addiction than others could be explained in many ways, depending on one's belief system. Scientists would say that it could be a neuro-chemical condition or genetic predisposition. Moralists would argue that this is all because of human weakness and defects of character. Treatment varies depending on what you want to accept as the cause. It could be psychotherapy, medicine, rehabilitation, support group, religion - the list is too long to enumerate in this page.

In my own bubble, I believe that psychological and physical dependency on anything else other than active chemical substances that alter the brain processes is a personal choice, a phase you can easily get in and out of - a switch you can turn off anytime when you have mustered enough courage to do so. I don't even think addiction is any different from habit.

You wake up and do the exact routine day after day but that does not necessarily mean you are hopelessly hooked to it and can't break away and would be somehow impaired if you deviate from the path once in a while. The fact that people have this innate need to organize things and create some semblance of structure in their lives amidst the chaos of everyday living is not a bad thing. However, all things extreme is not good, everything should be in moderation.

And so after this long winding unsolicited selfish insight about addiction, I am slowly coming to terms with my own. It's been a while since I actually slept for more than 3 hours. It used to be because of work, or some gadget I just needed to figure out and then too much thinking about things I have no control over. It's not even anything specific, I just think too much.

I feel that I need to acquire new learning and have more challenges. I am bored out of my wits and technology is not that interesting to me anymore. Travel poses a distraction but I don't really see any new landscape these days. New people are always engaging - picking their brains and dissecting how their hearts work is surely a time consuming activity . But in the end of it all I have nothing to really fill my restless hours - this is how it is when I'm not engrossed in anything. I have too much time, too much time to think and do crazy things.

I need a new hobby.

Halloween is a big thing here, I don't really understand why. Yearly they have this parade along Commercial drive where people dress up as ghouls or whatever oddities and try to frighten each other.. I joined the party with friends who were eager to conquer the streets in their scary outfits - this reminded me of crazy days back in university.

The energy in this event is punctuated by drum beats and wild revelries - enough to scare the monsters away, or draw them closer. By 10pm I was dizzy and disoriented from the fumes so we slowly headed back home.

Once in a while all it takes is a dark cold night and a bunch of faceless nameless people wearing masks to pull one back to earth.

Or maybe lower.

Action de grâce is an annual one-day holiday to give thanks for the things one has at the close of the harvest season, celebrated on the second Monday in October. That's what Wikipedia says about the Canadian Thanksgiving. So there wasn't really any pilgrims or natives gathering around for the land grabbing like the American Thanksgiving in November. Canadians are just basically thankful for what they have. Great! It's only an excuse to have a long weekend or a holiday then. But aren't we supposed to be thankful everyday for what we have anyway? Why do we need a specific day to give thanks? Or it could be to match Columbus Day in U.S. which happens at the same time.

Oh well, who am I to complain, I get a three day long weekend and I get to spend it however I choose, it's like getting a Chance card in Monopoly that says "Advance to GO". The problem is how to manage these free days? That's what kills me. I'm not good at staying in place and waiting around and doing nothing. But I'm not good at lugging excess baggage around either. Ah such intricate travesty of this life I live.

But I should be thankful really, and so today, two days past Thanksgiving, I'm going to spend 5 seconds to list down the 3 things I am grateful about right now:

1. God, whatever people conceive him to be, for planting faith, hope, love and patience in my heart.
2. my family, who, even though they are halfway across the globe, are in good health and cares for me, and misses me a lot, and can't wait to see me again soon.
3. my friends, who, despite my idiosyncracies, put up with me and tolerate me and still keep in touch.

Aside from all that, I am thankful for every sunset that ends each day's worries and every sunrise that gives new hope.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

three degrees with thin clouds overnight.. it will be sunny this weekend but don't let the sunshine fool you - that was what the weather guy said. watching the forecast brings me back to january 2007 when i first landed in vancouver, the theme song reminds me of a time when we were still camping at ramada and going to safeway everyday for chicken dinner then walking to work each morning huddled in our jackets to protect our faces from the wind. it's been 21 months since then and one would think that i would have adapted to the cold by now, me being cold hearted and all, but no, i guess i'm not as stoical as i thought i was. i can still feel. i'm actually human. i hurt. i cry. i fall. i stumble. i make mistakes.

i like being this rock, someone solid and dependable, this person people go to for advice. one who listens and says all the right things and takes away all the bad feelings. i like being this positive energy that inspires others to be better. it's a role i easily take on whenever someone has a problem or is down and out and needs some pep up talk. i have this gift of making monsters magically disappear from other people's minds, and bringing people back to their happy places. i could actually make a career out of this, if only i could be consistent.

but at the end of the day, i go home alone and face my own monsters, and there's nobody to hurl them against the plastic wall. what happens when the rock is slowly chipping away? who puts it back together? being this person who's so used to helping others, i find it hard to admit that i need help too. and it's much harder to find someone else who can pull me out of the dumps and back to solid ground. i need heroes and angels and mythical creatures to save me. wish i could put a sign on my shirt that says: "i'm just waiting for one sunny day.." then i'll be done with it. put an end to all this madness.

there is a battle raging inside my frozen heart tonight (i think that's mangled from a song but hey whatever). there are two opposing forces, both sides up in arms, neither wanting to lose nor give way. one wants to appear strong, say everything's in control, and deny that there's an engine malfunction somewhere, the other is drowning, flailing its arms frantically, waving for someone else to do the saving, and here i am, this detached third person, observing from the distance. not really picking a side or pointing a finger. just letting the dust settle down before i take off again.

of course i know that in the end it will just be me and myself sewing patches over my holes but still it's interesting to watch this struggle, these automatic walls that slide up and push people away - the ones who think they've figured me out. it's instinct, to protect myself from being hurt. it's crazy, i should just shut up now and wait for my sunny day, or go away and find the sun somewhere else.

yeah, that's what i'm good at - running away.

i'm hug deficient. i should join this campaign.


All The Same
by Sick Puppies

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

must admire apple for choosing catchy tunes for their commercials, can't get the song for the nanochromatic ad out of my mind. it's competing with the other voices in my head haha. well actually, there a lot of good ad songs out there, here's my "adtunes" playlist on my nano:

1. new soul by yael naim (macbook air)
2. 1234 by feist (ipod nano 3rd gen)
3. bruises by chairlift (ipod nano 4th gen)
4. the way i am by ingrid michaelson (old navy / chevrolet)
5. wish you well by justin hines (walmart)
6. coffee shop by landon pigg (diamond)

unfortunately, i don't watch as much tv anymore so the list never grew :) maybe i'll find time with heroes, gossip girl and grey's anatomy opening this season.


Bruises
by Chairlift

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell you on yeah everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for
you

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you yeah everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for

You-
For you-
So black and blue-
For you-

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruisy knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruisy knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for

You-
For you-
So black and blue-
For you....

been a long month, of cloudy days and not so rainy weeks, of growing roots in the land of the pouring heavens. twas a tiring battle against the gray and gloomy. it's so easy to fall into melancholy. was almost on the verge of jumping off a cliff, or a plane to be exact but an angel pulled me back and saved me. my angel never really speaks to me but on rare occasions of actual conversation, has this amazing gift of choosing just the right words to crush my very soul.

my month is here finally, i can now escape every weekend to sunny corners. a notebook and a pencil is all i need and i'm ready for another adventure. everything i need can fit in one tiny backpack - passport and tickets and lots of luck. i'm off to travel new worlds again, back in my element where the road changes every day and nothing stays the same,

now if only my angel can fit in my pocket, then truly life is good and i have everything.

i've always wanted to fly, be an astronaut, leave earth on a spaceship, walk on the moon, follow an orbit, discover new constellations, make paper airplanes that never crashes.. don't label me a dreamer, it could still happen you know. impossible is nothing. adidas. haha

oh well, last week's paper airplane contest had this crazy effect on me. it made me want to believe that i can actually design something noone else has every conceived before, but of course nothing is ever new under the sun, so yes i failed the longest flight test.

i wish i belonged to that time before gravity was named, maybe then i could have discovered more and named a few theorems after me, or my dog, whatever, back to work it is.

Restless. This city leaves me yearning for more. I can't stay too long, I feel like crawling out of this skin. This is not home, these strange people are like characters of a play that was written long before my time and now I am here, totally out of place, without meaning, without sense. I have too much time to think. Too much time to feel.

And the ghosts of my past are restless, wanting to come alive and wreak havoc. I need to gain control before it overtakes me. I can hear it sneaking up on me when my guard is down and I have too much time, too much time to not be me.

Tonight I walked to the skytrain while the weight of autumn gazed at my back and all these voices they keep screaming. I can't make them stop. I need to be with people who stay grounded. I need these pointless conversations to make me stay sane. And yet I have to stay away. I can always blame the season, the gray that comes too soon. My head was heavy with unreasonable thoughts and I hopped on the train towards the wrong direction. Two stations passed before I woke up to realize that I should get off and go the other way.

I am restless. This city leaves ms restless. These people have no faces and they never mean what they say or say what they mean. They keep forgetting and I have to go away. I have to stay away. It's for my own good. It's for their own good.

Tomorrow I will stay away.

my friend from the windy city decided to visit the province of endless rain. she flew into tacoma so we drove down there to pick her up and also to take krissy to the airport so she could catch her flight to florida. we had a detour at the space needle and late dinner at zumi - great sushi fusion restobar in downtown seattle. we rented a car but got a mini van instead so we had too much space and not enough people on this trip. especially since someone backed out and nobody was available at the last minute to do some spur of the moment roadtrip to washington state. anywhichway it was fine, i was navigator again who's only purpose is not really to navigate since the gps is there but rather to keep the driver awake. we got back at around 4am and i retired into dreamless sleep.

vancouver was never shy showing its true colors, rain clouds followed our weekend as we went to queen e park, lynn valley, cleveland dam, deep cove, lonsdale quay, stanley park and downtown. my friend sampled the city's public transit - bus, skytrain and seabus. day pass here is more expensive than in chicago for sure. to try extreme sports, i practiced juggling text messages while biking in the rain along the seawall, some people go crazy in this kind of weather. i'm one of them.

got the purple nanochromatic with "poeticnook 2008" engraved on the back - early birthday present. loaded it up with songs i copied from everyone else - in an effort to expand my music library.

i don't know what happened but somehow a sad veil has fallen over me. it caught me unexpected. i'm not even sure where it's coming from. it just came in a rush and i was left feeling really down and out. must be the sudden change of weather.. as much as i don't want the forces of nature to affect my mood, i couldn't shake off the feeling.

when my friend left 2 hours ago, i realized i'm all alone in vancouver. my travel buddies are gone, my friends with whom i can talk to about what happens behind my eyes are gone. people who will hug me and lend their shoulders for me to cry on when i'm running on empty and i need to hear words of hope - they're all gone. it's depressing to accept the fact that i am now without a listener in a strange city so far from home where i have no family and all i can rely on is me and myself..

i wanna go home...

best thing about being here is i have buddies who love to travel, just like me. we never really waste weekends staring at the ceiling or cleaning our room or doing our laundry. (which reminds me of this pile accumulating at the foot of my bed). chores will still be there tomorrow, no need to hurry and do them. and so after a quick dinner at a taiwanese food place near metrotown, krissy, henrik and i picked up jake and we started our oregon roadtrip part 2. k was designated navigator keeping h awake by asking him about his current love interest. we enjoyed teasing him to pieces haha. at 2am we drove up to the nearest hotel and recharged our batteries. the next morning we explored the beaches of newport and lincoln. we walked along the dunes of yaquina bay and climbed the lighthouses. the waves were big and the water too cold, couldn't last 10 minutes without a wetsuit. we watched the sunset and wrote our names on the sand with our flip flops scattered all over the place. it was the last trip all four of us would ever take together (at least for now) - the jetsetter group is being disbanded, each member going on to pursue different roads. k will be going to australia soon, but will visit florida first and then drive up to north carolina and all the other places in that vicinity, just to see if the geography is any different. jake is going to europe and then who knows where else afterwards. henrik and i are staying in bc, grounded and trying to grow roots. i felt really sad with this realization that i could be stuck in raincouver. j was always the planner, he would just say let's go to this place and i would of course say yes then we would get more people to join us. now that he's leaving, it's like a piece of my wing is torn and i wouldn't be able to fly anymore.

sunday found me waking up at 6am so i could dial into the bridge and vpn to work to check on a project release. helped with some minor glitches that required a recycle, then checked out of the hotel and proceeded to woodburn. the only significant thing i bought in this trip is my monopoly board game that uses no cash only debit cards. wow imagine that! cant wait to play it. somehow we were all shopped out this time, nobody really bought anything for themselves - well except for those polarized oakley shades!, most items were for others who couldn't go and wanted something brought back for them. we had dinner at red lobster.. at last! i've been wanting to eat here for the past 8 months. this is my fave seafood place in toronto that's not in raincouver.

stuffed and content with our food and purchases, we drove back home in silence with me as navigator this time, trying to stay awake and making small conversation. i will miss these people. i will miss these trips. why are they moving on? why am i staying here?

who says workaholics can't have fun? yesterday for our team event, we went to horseshoe bay and rented out four powerboats. we cruised along howe sound and some people jumped ship to swim. i volunteered to steer the boat so i could feel the wind against my cheeks. i wish there were more activities like this that takes me out of my cube on work hours.

after the almost 2 hour boat ride, we had picnic - potluck at the nearby park and played ultimate frisbee and boche. i wish it will just stay sunny like this forever. then i wouldn't have to fly away to distant shores looking for warmth. but well, we can't have everything. i'm just thankful for one beautiful day at a time, and for the good people i meet everyday.

when i got back to the office, i noticed my support phone was gone. great, i thought, just when i got a voicemail about some qa defect. well, there's only one place it could be, probably at the floor of the van i carpooled with on the way back. no worries, i'll get it tomorrow. no support for tonight, yay!

snippet from a conversation at the office today:

*wm = workmate

wm: "are you completely bored with your life right now?"
me: "no not really, i'm happily enjoying my life right now"
wm: "well we don't want too much of that, i'll give you something interesting next week"
me: "ok"

well, so i guess it's not really interesting to have too much of happily enjoying life ^^ hehe. let's see how interesting next week would be.

found a new place just five houses away from the old one. my room has a window that has a great view of the building where i work. reminds me everyday why i'm in this city. that's my only purpose here after all, to do my job, and nothing more. sometimes it gets dull and monotonous or too much and too stressful, i just remind myself that i chose this and i'm just reaping the consequences of my own decision. no time for regrets, just carry on and wait for the next daybreak.

getting back up to speed after a holiday is usually the toughest part but it gets easier everyday. especially when there's people who make it more bearable. just keep things in perspective i guess, i don't want to be too involved anymore. i can't believe i actually lost weekends of my life for a project that will never see the light of day, now i just want to be detached. never give your heart away to work, work will never love you back, it will still be there tomorrow, uncaring, unfeeling, insensitive and totally not what i should be wasting my life on.

i should go explore the vancouver sun, after all, this is the middle of summer.

vacation ended too soon, went to kawasan, moalboal, bantayan and panglao. everyday was either a road trip or a boat ride to another island, walked along the shore and swam against the tide and basked in the sun like there was no tomorrow. chased the waterfalls and hiked the hillside and mountain tops, with no need for fleece or a warm jacket when twilight falls and the stars are out.

this is life, the way God intended it to be. no worries about refactoring or singletons or ejb descriptors or missing db tables. just sea and sand and moonlit nights.

poof! and the dream is gone. back to raincouver's hard gray pavement where my steps echo in that empty room with no windows. when i opened the door i saw my things neatly piled up in boxes. i'm being thrown out of the house. good thing i have friends here, who helped me pick up my stuff and find a new place to park my things. i couldn't be more homeless than i am now. my clothes are in my desk at the office and i shower at the gym. on mornings i would walk across the floor from one end to the other to stretch my legs and in the evenings i would talk to the cleaning lady who wonders every day why i work so late. "i live here", that's all i told her.

i will survive, somehow.

two nights ago i was talking to my friend about some ghosts from the past that used to haunt me, and so i took out some dusty chests of memories at the farthest corner of my mind and tried to break the latch. it creeked eerily and finally opened, then i found this piece about forgiveness..

"You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?'

i've come a long way from that poem, i used to be the one saying those lines, now the tables have turned.. such is the circle of life.

and so it could have been a four day long weekend that i would spend somewhere i've never been.. or i could have wasted a day looking at last minute deals on vacation packages and just fly out of here.. or perhaps i could have joined a roadtrip to another city.. or a tour to the next island.. or a bike trip across trestles and lakes.. many things i could have done this weekend, but im choosing to just stay in place.. enjoy the vancouver sun and spend time packing my things for the nth time,

i'm leaving for home in less than two weeks, not the best time to get away from this city especially now that it's all bright and sunny, and back home is grey and typhoon season. but who cares really? i miss my people, i miss my mom who loves me unconditionally, i miss my dogs who think i'm the greatest person on earth, i miss being me, speaking my own language, riding a jeepney, playing around with my brothers, debating about the world with my dad, catching up with old friends who chose to stay.. because in the end, its not about the number of stamps on your passport that counts, nor the amount of people you've talked to from all over the world, nor the different cultures you've immersed yourself into, in the end it all boils down to one thing... i belong to home, home is where my family is, and that is not here.

it's times like these when i need quotes to remind me why i chose to wander.. and here are some of my favorite ones:

“Not all those who wander are lost.” - J. R. R. Tolkien

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference” - Robert Frost

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” - St. Augustine

“For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” - Robert Louis Stevenson

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” - Henry Miller

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Travel Light: Own only what you can carry with you, know language, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag." - Alexander Solzhenitsyn

“A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.”
John A. Shedd,

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing” - Helen Keller

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” - Mark Twain

“If you are not living on the edge you are taking up too much room.” - Howard Jayne

“Look at the stars lighting up the sky: no one of them stays in the same place.” - Seneca

“Somewhere on your journey don’t forget to turn around and enjoy the view”

“Cover the earth, before it covers you.”

there are only 24 hours in one day. too few for all the things i want to do.

let's say an average person sleeps 8 hours a day, and works 8 hours a day, that leaves him only 8 hours to actually do something interesting with his life. ok how about subtract an hour for travelling to and from places you have to go, another hour in total for all the meals you have to take, and give or take another hour to groom yourself. that's only 5 hours left to change the world or appreciate the snow falling on window sills, or marvel at the cherry blossoms. its all about one of those abstract concepts - "money" that will allow me to "buy" stuff that will make me "happy". too many unfathomable words in one sentence, it's giving me a headache. is sleep necessary? well maybe, it gives me energy to wake up the next day and do more work, which will give me money, which will help me buy stuff, which will make me happy. now how about the shuffling from one place to the next, the eating, the grooming, yes they are equally "important" - now even that word lost its meaning for me, well we do need to spend time giving our body nutrients and to keep ourselves presentable and yes getting from wherever "home" is to work and back (most important thing) does require time too.

so what happens if we have to do more work? i cant sacrifice my 5 hours of bliss, something has to give - sleep would be it, what's the use of sleeping 8 hours a day? that's like sleeping a third of your life, a big chunk which you could have contributed to something more worthwhile, and so these days i sleep at most 5 hours a day - i would be lucky to get 40 hours of sleep in a week, i dont want to miss anything this life has to offer. these are the best years of my life, when i can actually walk and run and jump without any aches in my back or shortness in my breath, when i can just fly from one place to the next at the speed of thought, when i could actually do more and be more, now why would i choose to spin in place whenever i have those "free" time for myself?

life is too short, i need to rearrange my perspective if i want to have meaning and relevance. i dont want to be like those people who suddenly wake up and find out that their whole life just flashed before their eyes. work is not equal to life. and so i am so looking forward to going home, and bumming around on an island with no internet, no computers, no iphones, i wonder how long i will last.

today i found out that i needed a dental xray to see how my wisdom tooth is growing, it was hurting so much that half my face was numb and i woke up with a fever. i couldnt sleep nor eat, let alone get up and do anything. i was wasted. funny how one small tooth could render a fully grown human being totally useless. i resolved not to take any ibuprofen, none of that sissy stuff eh? pain, after all, is not the worst thing in the world. (so what is?) feeling something, anything at all, only means you're still alive, and being alive means having hope, hope that the next day will be better than the last.

i'm still a month away from going home, a visit to my dentist is imminent to finally put an end to this misery. extraction would probably hurt tenfold but at least that's temporary. nothing lasts forever anyway, not even pain.

for the past 16 months, i've been around airports more than 40 times, that's almost once every 10 days on the average. airports are where emotions are so real. you see people launghing, teary eyed, hugging each other, kissing, whispering nothings, mumbling promises, holding on for dear life.

on one side there are those patiently waiting, holding flowers, looking up expectantly at each passenger walking out, wishing the next one would be the one they've been dying to see - and finally when they do come out, their faces would break out into smiles, all sorrow forgotten, as if no time or distance was ever lost between them.

airports are places where people come and go and never really stay. exactly how i feel about my life right now, just like how i felt 2 years ago in Makati, when my friends just took their leave and went on to lead different lives. i feel that i'm this relic, this institution where people just go to learn something from, and then when they're done with filling their jars with knowledge, they just leave and go on their ways.

i've been to dozens of airports for the past few months, rushing from one city to the next, met new people and left them without cutting a piece of my soul. it feels better to be the one coming and going into other people's lives for once, to not be the one left stuck in the same old hole, waiting for something new to happen, only to realize later that the "something new" will not really be there constantly, or else it would turn into "something old".

last week i was at the airport, trying to turn the old into new, giving this thing another chance. every inch of my body wants to just fly away and be done with it but i want to try something different, something out of character. i want to challenge myself, see how the cookie crumbles.

just be nice, it's not that hard.

today i resolve to be someone better. i've been spreading myself too thin in so many aspects of my life right now that i end up way below mediocre. this isn't even anywhere near who i ever was in my past lives. it's time to start being more squiggly.

last friday we had this workshop where we were made to choose which shape we liked best among the following:
it was obvious, i picked that one that looked like a strand of hair, because it was interesting and out of the ordinary. this may very well generalize the characteristics of all my other choices, or my affinity to unusually weird things. hmmm what does that say about me? the paper described me as spontaneous and fearful of boredom. how very apt. but it also meant that i'm disorganized, easily distracted, and frequently careless about deadlines. not ideal characteristics of a good employee.

but of course, every realization of a flaw brings with it the power to make the most out of the situation or turn it around into something constructive. and that's what i'm doing right now. i'm being creative. i can't make something work, so there's no use cracking my head open and picking out my brains, i would much rather go and do something else which has more probability of success. it's always tough to see the silver lining at times, but all it really takes is planting my own garden rather than waiting for someone to come and give me flowers.

i had a point to make when i started writing this crap, but somewhere along the way i lost it, it doesn't matter though. life is, that's all it needs to be. why complicate things. we all do our best, and it has to be good enough. if it isn't good enough, it has to do.

these are the thoughts that clutter my head when it's midnight and i'm home alone. gotta keep the ghosts away by staying up. =)

beach bbq at jericho, that was the invite and so i happily obliged. we brought food and drinks and played frisbee till the clouds ate the sun away in one big bite. it was cold again too soon. if only i could tuck a piece of sunshine into my pocket then i would have enough to keep me warm.

after the picnic, we proceeded to y's hideout at the lions. it has a great view of the city by the sea, made me miss my pad in makati. but that's a thousand miles away and a thousand times sadder than this place, so i guess there's no point in comparing. we watched a few japanese movies to immerse the two others who were leaving for nihon late this month.

the people here are lucky, they don't need a visa to travel around, they don't care about money they spend in transit or work they'll miss if they go. very much like those i've met in the land of the rising sun who can easily fly out on a euro tour for the golden week. such a big contrast to those left in the southeast who are out lining up for rice and eating salt for lunch. makes me see firsthand how the wealth of the world is so unevenly distributed.

if only i can see beyond my own selfishness and do something more other than whine, i know i can still make a difference.

ski and snowboard fest was the main event at whistler for the past two weeks and we all drove up just in time to catch some of it last friday. sleet followed us as we escaped the city limits but good thing it stopped when we finally reached the mountains. we stayed at the fairmont and explored the village while the rest of the more athletic and cold resistant people went on their ways to catch a few jumps and drops - probably one of their lasts before winter finally bids goodbye. saturday midnight found me taking the greyhound back to the mainland, just in time for another sunday roadtrip.

it seems like almost every weekend is spent driving south and running away from safety. i can't help it, i feel better when i'm on the road, moving, walking, hiking.. i get nauseated when i'm stuck in one place with the same monotonous background and people around me, i need to find clarity.

why this restless heart? to escape boredom? to not fall into the trap and break my walls? i don't want to think too much, all i know is i want to run as far away as i can and never look back.

weekends end too soon, whoever decided that there should be 5 work days and only 2 days for fun and relaxation is a saddist. but hey maybe it was meant to be this way so that we could appreciate it more. some people tend to put more value on things that don't last, that's the law of supply and demand right there. so they cram all activities they can fit in those 48 hours then spend the next hundred and twenty wishing it was shumatsu once again.

tulip town - that was our itinerary for saturday, and we got lost in skagit looking for this quaint place. we were almost on the verge of giving up after going around in circles for the nth time but luckily or rather magically, we found our way and feasted our eyes on the endless rows of petals struggling to come out from the ground. the sun was high up in the sky and people were flying kites, truly spring is in the air. and we don't even have to drive all the way down to washington just to feel it, the sakura that greets me when i disembark at burrard reminds me of hanami at osaka jo, raincouver is actually a nice place to be when it's not all gray and gloomy.

sunday was spent biking along the seawall of stanley park and crusing along english bay. finally after countless weeks in this city, i was able to take off my jacket and shoes and walk barefoot on the sand. it's still blech compared to the beaches i've been to back home but it's all good, every place offers its own gift, sometimes you just have to look for it in other corners.

it's always the beautiful days like these that i fear the most. they kill words, because beauty is a reason unto itself.

0700: wake up, shower
0800: meeting to discuss hlr parameters for prepaid mas migration
0900: discuss code changes for pmm
0930: read emails
1000: follow up opm synch with engineering
1002: explain opm synch to new dev
1007: check some numbers for opm synch in staging, prod, opm gui
1010: play around with smp4 install on pantha
1020: reboot machine
1030: start weblogic 9.2, open eclipse, hermes, drop messages, debug
1045: reply to email about hlr meeting minutes
1050: review ppm rfcs
1120: review rfc 73589 for april release
1130: follow up return ticket with TIP
1132: read up on wl92 deployment descriptor errors
1140: continue bssadapter debug
1200: lunch
1300: weekly provisioning meeting
debug bssadapter
1430: follow up on prepaid su07 upgrade specs
1435: check jmstools.jar, decompile and test
1500: read emails
1510: reinstall wlsprov domain, debug bssadapter
1545: break
1600: check errors in d3, out of disk space, need to delete logs
1610: debug bssadapter, hopeless case
1830: giving up, going to the gym
2000: dinner with workmates
2145: home
2200: reprimanded at home
2215: check personal emails, research for work
2230: receive phone call, surf the net
2330: receive phone call from home, home sick

04/10/2008

0100: sleep
0700: woke up sick, back to bed
0900: shower, prepare for work, vpn
0930: walk to work
0945: check emails
1000: check april rfc
1010: rebuild samp jar
1020: continue debug
1100: label samp
1105: debug )*&(^#)*&%^%&^$_*%
1200: lunch
1300: rebuild ea jars
1310: DEBUG !%*@%^&%#(^&%@$#*&^$
1400: label ea jars
1405: DEBUG !%*@%^&%#(^&%@$#*&^$
14:50 review assigned april rfc
1500: revise april rfc
1510: crank up my ipod and RANT!!!!!!!!!!

DAMN IT, I DON'T WANT ANOTHER DEBUG ENTRY. I QUIT.

- is the magic number. that's how many we were at the lower mainland roadtrip last saturday.

it was 630am, when the 3 mini vans converged at tim horton's, 3 dozen donuts and a dozen coffee orders later, we were all set to conquer the peace arch, aldergrove, cloverdale, lynn valley, burnaby mountain, cleveland dam and stanley park. i've been to most of these places but for me, it's not really the destination that counts but the journey and the people you're with that matters. in this case, i wouldn't want to miss the company of new and old friends shouting at each other over missed stop lights and u turns haha

well, it was definitely worth it, wouldn't miss it for the world.. ahhh, the comfort of friendship, where you expect nothing and nothing is expected of you, where you can leave your scripts at home and just be yourself, what a fresh break from the toxic fumes of everyday living..

i. use any iphone with any firmware, upgrade to fw 1.1.4 through itunes

ii. download iplus 2.0, open command prompt and type iplus -u

credits

just when i thought i have nothing else to buy, there goes this need to declutter my hd and put everything in some secondary storage, the solution? a 1tb wd mybook. i don't really think i have that much data to put into this drive but you can't have too much hard disk space right?

for now, i'm putting my photo, video and music collection in it. hopefully it doesnt' break though, or else i just invested in an expensive trash can.

still in search of that path to sound utopia, got an xmod to crystallize my music collection. jake was kind enough to bring it back from new york where he spent the easter long weekend. i remember being excited when i ordered this online some weeks back, but it doesnt really matter anymore, especially when i rarely even spend time in my room listening to songs these days.

is it just me or does my ipod really sound better connected to the xmod and out the x530? i should try watching movies to compare.. guess now i can say my setup is complete. all i need is time to actually use it.

maundy thursday found me at yvr waiting for my flight to sacramento. couldn't wait to see the sun again after a month of clouds and rain. when i arrived at smf, gerry was there waiting to tell me about his novel which will be published this year. shing flew in from chicago, bringing with her the stuff that i bought., and that's how our adventure began =)

g's place is an ultimate bachelor's pad, with a pool table, mini bar, wii, ps3, xbox, and home theater to boot. i wouldn't mind staying here for a year ^_^ friday was spent touring the airbase and shopping at downtown sacramento. we tried the burgers at in and out and enjoyed the warm sunshine while driving top down on g's solara, a convertible is a necessity in california, so he says. to cap the day, we had dinner at this sushi place with the revolving tray.

woke up early on saturday to pick up jake and reenact sideways at napa and sonoma ^_^. had lunch at the wine train and went on the cable car to the top of sterling which has a nice view of the whole valley. got lost along the way and blamed it on the the bottle of pinot noir, haha. to cheer up gerry who wanted to get drunk but couldnt. we went to jollibee and red ribbon for peach mango pie and empanada =)

on sunday we drove to muir woods to hug the giant sequioa trees for my mom, apparently this has been one of her childhood dreams. we followed the hillside trail to burn off all the calories we had for the past two days and then proceeded to the golden gate bridge. the scenic view is picture perfect. lunch was at the fisherman's wharf and a boat tour followed afterwards. g bought popcorn and chips to feed the seagulls while s was busy taking snapshots. i was at the other side of the boat looking out to the city skyline and wishing my mom was there to enjoy it with me. we wandered on the streets of san francisco, looking for the magic that people saw in this place, we never really found it.. at dusk, we went back to being children and played our hearts out at dave and buster's.

fenton's ice cream was the last treat we had before real planes came to take us back to the life we left. and that's how i spent my long weekend.

after mike's birthday dinner at red robin last friday, jake, krissy, alvin, jason and i walked to hilton to pick up our rental, the roadtrip to portland has begun. armed only with a gps and a bag of cheetos, we bravely went where no frugal man has ever gone to - oregon - for nature trips, and what else - shopping, (again!?).

ok i didn't really buy much in this trip, i was just in for the company and the travel, to get away from what's familiar and see something new. i get bored when i'm in one place all the time, i always have this need to explore and discover the unknown, even if it will end up to be the same terrain as the one i left; so that was my excuse.

we spent the night in seattle tacoma and woke up bright and early to follow the columbia river gorge. multnomah falls was a sight to behold, it's definitely not niagara but not kawasan either, pagsanjan is definitely much better, but hey, who's comparing right? the trail up to the bridge was good exercise for our cramped feet. after the short homage, we went straight to business - filling the trunk till it can't be closed unless you jump on it. broke and utterly content, we drove back to vancouver to reflect on our splurge ^_^

to say that a lot of things have changed in the last 29 days would be an understatement. i have been sleep deprived and in transit and pulled in many directions for the past week or two. met a bunch of new friends, got loaded with tons of work and been busy with activities to keep my days, nights, weekdays, and weekends full.

i feel like a tightrope walker making my first step, don't really know how this works but heck, what's the harm in trying, right? there may be no safety net to catch my fall and i may find myself more broken than when i started, but i don't really care anymore. i want to stop thinking and just start feeling this time..

new soul
by yael naim

i'm a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit about
how to give and take.

but since i came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making
every possible mistake

i'm a young soul
in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit about
what is true and fake.

but why all this hate?
try to communicate.
finding trust and love is not
always easy to make.

this is a happy end
cause' you don't understand
everything you have done
why's everything so wrong

this is a happy end
come and give me your hand
i'll take your far away.

must be the hype of wanting to hear the bass on my songs that i finally gave in and got a 5.1 speaker set. it's definitely not top of the line nor the latest and greatest, but it does its job well..

hail the new addition to my desktop ensemble - the logitech x530. now let's see if the dolby and thx trailers would sound good on this =)

music is the way kindred souls communicate to each other. you can tell a lot about your friends by their playlists.. each melody represents an era, a feeling, a memory, each word carries with it a pain, a person, a whole other lifetime lived not so long ago.

i have punctuated my life with songs, sometimes when i hear one playing on the radio, a certain year comes to mind, a moment freeze framed and slowly flashing like an old movie on replay. often these hymns are so powerful that they bring me back to a place that used to hurt - a place i've covered with cobblestones to hide the bruises. but one tune, one lousy refrain and walls tumble to give in to longing.

memories could be a gift, or a curse, depending on which kind you wish to bring back from the dead. but i know one fact.. never listen to crappy songs on vday =) happy hearts day everyone!

ingredients:
- otb 1.1.2 iphone
- fw 111
- fw 112
- latest itunes
- ibrickr 091
- jailbreak 112

directions
1. restore to 111 with itunes and reboot with ibrickr
2. jailbreak + activate using 307 + jailbreakme
3. insert sim card of choice
4. install community sources, bsd subsystem, g-unlock and oktoprep
5. update to 112 with itunes
6. jailbreak + activate with jailbreak 112
7. best served cold ^_^

i wake up.
i eat my breakfast.
i take a shower.
i do my errands.
i go to the gym.
i sit at my favorite couch at the coffee shop and order burnt rice green tea.

sometimes i play billiards or badminton or kart racing with my brothers. sometimes the family is complete and we have dinner together.

before i sleep, i read two chapters from the bible and a short story from one of my favorite local writers.

i rarely check my email nor go online, the real world turns and i spin in place. i've been doing this for the past five days and yet it feels like a lifetime. i see the same old places but no familiar face greets me. i feel lost.

tomorrow i will wake up. i will eat my breakfast. i will take a shower. the real world will do another 360, and i will still be here, missing the people who used to walk these streets with me, who are now scattered around the world, away from here.

and this is why i know i need to write myself away in words and wish i was homeless again.

Once upon a time I fell in love - the mad, blind, irrational and passionate kind. It happened unexpectedly as all great loves do. I didnt look for it, it just found me while I was busy with the mundanities of living.

I never really knew what it was until it was staring right in front of me. I tried to deny it, push it away, paint it with stipes hoping to make the hippotamus look like a zebra. But it just washed itself, shook its head and stubbornly stayed. Nothing made sense until I admitted that I was in love.

We kissed then lightning crashed on that damp rainy night, and that's how I knew that as much as I wanted to keep this feeling, this high, this heaven, I didnt want to risk losing the person that brings it. Friendship survives holocausts, other relationships crumble. I had to let it go.

So I went away, I made excuses, it was crushing, it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that will never heal no matter how many centuries it took. It was stupid, but it was the right thing to do. At rare times when I allow myself to feel, the wound still hurts,

That was 5 years ago, I coasted through life since then and made myself believe that I was fine. Found new people who entrusted their hearts to me but I never kept them. The spark never came back, something was always missing.

Sometimes when all is quiet I would weep and look back at the path I chose, then I would blink the tears away and reassure myself that I made the right decision.

Tonight the ghosts rose from the grave to haunt me, and taunt me and tell me what I would have otherwise missed if I had stayed. But I am too far down the road and I have learned to live with the pain for as long as I can remember that it doesnt seem to matter anymore. I have become contented with the role I chose to play in your life.

I feel a twinge as I read your words - of a new found love, of the same old feeling - but you have become nothing more than my idea of heaven, that place where dreams are made of, I know that's the best we can ever be - kindred souls. The half that makes me whole.

I will always love you M, and I will always let you go. I hope she makes you happy, I would never wish anything less for you.

I miss you, I miss the way my hand fit yours, and for me, that has always been enough in this lifetime.

Goodbye. Hello ;)

met up with the vip's at shangrila - my cousin kat, her beau j, my former workmate venn and i sampled the ridiculously overpriced menu while we watched my other cousin neriz and her friend sing on stage. we were like groupies after each set, the celebrities would sit at our table and entertain us with anecdotes. it was a fun night cap to an otherwise hectic day - buying things i need to bring back, waiting in line to claim papers and going back and forth to the office to submit the documents. still need to go back tomorrow for the med exam then i should be done and ready to have a worry free vacation;

the taxi cab is my best friend again these days, as i shuffle my self between that faraway place called work and the tiny bubble i temporarily call my home. one of the drivers talked to me today and told me how his friend has been a victim of a stick up in that area where i was to be dropped off. made me realize how dangerous it could be to be stranded there at night so i made sure to finish everything before night fall.

with my friends either busy with work or sick of it, i spent the day alone with my thoughts while looking at shop windows. events that unraveled these past few days have been both enlightening and disappointing for me. it made me realize that deceit and danger lurk in the most unexpected places and people despite their good intentions always end up doing the wrong things. this reminded me of what my friend said a while back: "it's not always about manipulation when you lie to get what you want, sometimes it's just self preservation, a twisted act of selfish love.. hell is paved with good intentions"

after three days of stepping in between shadows of buildings, i've mastered the art of not getting toasted by the sun's humid rays. finished shuffling papers and checks between embassy, banks, offices and notary public, i'm almost done with my errands, except for the medical stuff, security clearance and other things to buy. haven't met up with the vips - my cousins and friends, or whoever's left of them that's still here. i've already used up a week, can't wait for the rest of my vacation to unfold in sunny cebu.

food has got to be the highlight of this trip - got a taste of my favorites - oysters, prawns, crabs.. yum! it compensated for all the calories i burned while running to catch the schedules of the places i need to go to.

as i retire each night on my room at the 26th floor, i can't help but marvel at the lights of the city - the place i've called home since my first day at nursery. it used to be all trees and tall grasses in this part of town, now everything has been replaced by parking lots and malls. suddenly, i feel misplaced, uprooted, homeless...

though mornings greet me with a magnificent view of the skyline, i've found that this dot on the map has lost its meaning for me. i've found relevance somewbere else, and soon i will have to say goodbye for good as i grow my roots away from here.

flight from vancouver arrived at 9pm and now stuck at hk airport waiting for food shops to open because i'm starving.. turns out my 40c$ is 288hk$ according to the ticker at travelex, enough to get me a popeye's cajun chicken (if only it were open) but apparently not even enough to buy an iphone case which costs 350hk$ (not that I eat cases for dinner, but why do tech shops stay open longer? they aren't necessities; or are they?). feasted my eyes on the new ultraportables at e3, that's all I can afford - to look at them. practiced my people skills and talked to random stranded passengers like me who have nothing but time to burn on a sunday night.


this is why people stay grounded - to have a warm bed to sleep on instead of airport lounges, to eat comfort foods instead of vacuum packed processed jerky, to have someone to say hi to late at night.. and yet i would never trade the stories of these people i've met in transit to any piece of bread right now. i'm gonna go grab a panini. ^_^

to complete the roundup of my desktop crew, i got a pair of dell a215 multimedia speakers by altec lansing. must admit the sound is pretty amazing, gives justice to my itunes playlist, and comes at a very reasonable price too.

also joining the cast is a logitech mx700, not the latest and greatest but couldn't wait for the wireless mighty mouse with dock charger, besides it has good reviews. haven't configured its software yet, it's still sitting on the cradle, charging the pair of energizer e2 aa's that i just loaded. hopefully one charge will last as long as that rabbit drummer hehe ^_^

now if i can only find time to make my awk work with windows, then the ensemble would be complete.

ultramon - sounds like that giant japanese superhero that fights monsters, oh wait thats ultraman. anyway. this handy little utility is great for customizing multiple monitor setup. i tried it just so i could have different wallpapers on my notebook and my lcd display - just upgraded my 196fp to an e228wfp - love the widescreen. looks like i'll be taking the smaller one home for use with my sotec.

more reasons to start watching my tv series collection, now showing: csi lv season 8.

finally found time to read a book despite my busy schedule while waiting for my delayed connecting flight in salt lake city. coelho's collection of thoughts and reflections is reminiscent of fulghum's anecdotes about daily life. it's a good read in between everyday's hustle and bustle.

bought this book 4 months ago at powerbooks gb3 and only got to open it last week. guess i do need to take 15 minutes of my day to ponder on the meanings and purpose of the roads i've chosen to take - may it be less travelled or the beaten path.. often i just trod on blindly and find myself lost in the tangled web.

it's never too late to start.

title: like the flowing river
author: paulo coelho

christmas morning found me at yvr waiting for my flight to san francisco which got delayed from 6am to 1pm because of a hurricane warning. not wanting to spend the rest of the day in transit, i opted to take the plane to los angeles instead.

getting off the plane, the first thing i noticed was the sun, i missed its warmth after being huddled up in snow for too long. met up with relatives and explored the terrains of simi valley. i want to live here, i've said the same of chicago and new york but this time i really feel it tugging at my heart. maybe because there's family here who gives me free hugs =).

didnt do the usual touristy stuff but i did manage to visit hollywood and stroll along the walk of fame. the days were filled with shopping and errands and catching up while the nights were overflowing with clubbing, pool, sangria, jager bomb, poker and more stories to fill my empty jar.

my favorite nook is on top of the hill of reagan library overlooking the canyons while watching the sunset. will definitely need to come back here.