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waiting for a sunny day
Posted by poeticnook
on
10/09/2008 04:37:00 AM
three degrees with thin clouds overnight.. it will be sunny this weekend but don't let the sunshine fool you - that was what the weather guy said. watching the forecast brings me back to january 2007 when i first landed in vancouver, the theme song reminds me of a time when we were still camping at ramada and going to safeway everyday for chicken dinner then walking to work each morning huddled in our jackets to protect our faces from the wind. it's been 21 months since then and one would think that i would have adapted to the cold by now, me being cold hearted and all, but no, i guess i'm not as stoical as i thought i was. i can still feel. i'm actually human. i hurt. i cry. i fall. i stumble. i make mistakes.
i like being this rock, someone solid and dependable, this person people go to for advice. one who listens and says all the right things and takes away all the bad feelings. i like being this positive energy that inspires others to be better. it's a role i easily take on whenever someone has a problem or is down and out and needs some pep up talk. i have this gift of making monsters magically disappear from other people's minds, and bringing people back to their happy places. i could actually make a career out of this, if only i could be consistent.
but at the end of the day, i go home alone and face my own monsters, and there's nobody to hurl them against the plastic wall. what happens when the rock is slowly chipping away? who puts it back together? being this person who's so used to helping others, i find it hard to admit that i need help too. and it's much harder to find someone else who can pull me out of the dumps and back to solid ground. i need heroes and angels and mythical creatures to save me. wish i could put a sign on my shirt that says: "i'm just waiting for one sunny day.." then i'll be done with it. put an end to all this madness.
there is a battle raging inside my frozen heart tonight (i think that's mangled from a song but hey whatever). there are two opposing forces, both sides up in arms, neither wanting to lose nor give way. one wants to appear strong, say everything's in control, and deny that there's an engine malfunction somewhere, the other is drowning, flailing its arms frantically, waving for someone else to do the saving, and here i am, this detached third person, observing from the distance. not really picking a side or pointing a finger. just letting the dust settle down before i take off again.
of course i know that in the end it will just be me and myself sewing patches over my holes but still it's interesting to watch this struggle, these automatic walls that slide up and push people away - the ones who think they've figured me out. it's instinct, to protect myself from being hurt. it's crazy, i should just shut up now and wait for my sunny day, or go away and find the sun somewhere else.
yeah, that's what i'm good at - running away.
i like being this rock, someone solid and dependable, this person people go to for advice. one who listens and says all the right things and takes away all the bad feelings. i like being this positive energy that inspires others to be better. it's a role i easily take on whenever someone has a problem or is down and out and needs some pep up talk. i have this gift of making monsters magically disappear from other people's minds, and bringing people back to their happy places. i could actually make a career out of this, if only i could be consistent.
but at the end of the day, i go home alone and face my own monsters, and there's nobody to hurl them against the plastic wall. what happens when the rock is slowly chipping away? who puts it back together? being this person who's so used to helping others, i find it hard to admit that i need help too. and it's much harder to find someone else who can pull me out of the dumps and back to solid ground. i need heroes and angels and mythical creatures to save me. wish i could put a sign on my shirt that says: "i'm just waiting for one sunny day.." then i'll be done with it. put an end to all this madness.
there is a battle raging inside my frozen heart tonight (i think that's mangled from a song but hey whatever). there are two opposing forces, both sides up in arms, neither wanting to lose nor give way. one wants to appear strong, say everything's in control, and deny that there's an engine malfunction somewhere, the other is drowning, flailing its arms frantically, waving for someone else to do the saving, and here i am, this detached third person, observing from the distance. not really picking a side or pointing a finger. just letting the dust settle down before i take off again.
of course i know that in the end it will just be me and myself sewing patches over my holes but still it's interesting to watch this struggle, these automatic walls that slide up and push people away - the ones who think they've figured me out. it's instinct, to protect myself from being hurt. it's crazy, i should just shut up now and wait for my sunny day, or go away and find the sun somewhere else.
yeah, that's what i'm good at - running away.
