Wishing we could choose our own landscape
Wishing me and you could just go anywhere we wanted
Once in a blue moon we'd stay out late
And watch the sun come up at five-thirty in the morning

It's a blue moon on New Year's eve, so I guess those people who once said they'd do something on a blue moon would have no excuse to run off this time ^^. There used to be a time in my life when I was just so awed by the moon, I was probably six then and just finished watching the lunar landing, inspiring me to be an astronaut or some rocket scientist. The dream went on till university and not really until I finally found myself at the NASA headquarters in Houston did I realize that I'm probably not gonna be fit enough to be an astronaut. So that probably means I won't be stacking any flags next to the USA's out there in that pot-holed surface.

When Geocities closed back in October this year, I lost a lot of literary works that I failed to backup. I was having some real world issues that I forgot my nine years of words were out there somewhere being deleted and falling into a virtual black hole. There were lots of poems and essays about the moon there. Beyond Forever was divided into Crossroads, Sunset, Moonlight, Nightscapes, Dreams, Chronicles and Footprints, I managed to salvage a few pages but the rest are now lost in dark recesses of my shadowy mind.

I ain't seen you, in a month of Sundays
I never knew exactly what it was I wanted
Once in a blue moon, you'd keep a promise
When it's you I don't mind such a long wait

I haven't written a poem in a long time. Maybe it's just the lack of inspiration, (where does one get them anyway?) or the lack of time (I certainly have lots now), or the lack of motivation. I don't know, I miss the Endless. I miss Bones From The Graveyard, I miss the NSP Poetry List, I miss a lot of irrecoverable things.

Someday I'll find rhymes again, someday words will just fall into place and my pen will touch paper and make long winding loops and dots that will somehow make sense to someone somewhere someday. For now there is the blue moon and there is the New Year to welcome. I'm praying for things to fall into place. I'm praying for my country, which is currently beset by typhoons, fires, boat sinkings and volcanic eruption - I'm coming home to you in a few weeks, hang in there.

Day will surely come,
one day I'll be with you
The day will surely come,
we will make it all come true

Soundtrack: "Once in a Blue Moon" by Lighthouse Family

I never realized the extent of the redundancy in my life until the minute I started packing my stuff. You never really think you have too much stuff until you start trying to fit them in boxes or suitcases. I thought I was an expert in packing already, after the countless moves I've done over the years, I move at an average of five times a year ever since I learned how to walk, and it was only when I was in Makati and Vancouver when that average was reduced to twice or thrice at best. Anyway, I should have learned my lesson and stopped accumulating useless little things that add up, but well here I am, still on the same dillema.

Can you imagine having 10 colors of the same shirt? (this OCB reminds me of the "The Catcher in the Rye" in Conspiracy Theory) dozens of hoodies, tanks, jeans, pedals, shorts, skirts, dresses, flip flops, sandals, runners, boots, none of which I have actually worn more than five times. How did I accumulate all these? And when I move on to my electronics box, eek! More evidence of consumerism here. How have I become so consumed with the things of the world? It's that bitten apple I tell you. It gives momentary happiness with its shiny blinking screens but causes much distress and grief to your wallet.

So now I'm faced with this awful task of eliminating these redundancy in my life. After all, how many laptops, iPhones and iPods do you need to be happy right? I'm thinking two of each would be good enough.. Kidding, of course you don't *need* any of those to be happy, but then again, it's not always what you *need* that makes you happy. It's usually what you *want*. For now I just want to have less luggage, so I can travel light. So which one of these headphones should I keep? I mean, really now, how many pairs of ears do I have again? ^^

Last Sunday of the year, and then four more Sundays to go before I leave on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again. Yeah I hate to go.. and yes I just mutilated a song.

This afternoon I stood before the altar and waited to get prayers, I'm lost and I need direction. This past few months has been a battle between what I want to do and where I want to be versus what I should be doing and where I should be staying. As I sat on one of the pews, I felt really sad, like a part of me has died, it almost felt like this is the end of the road for me and I will never come back here. I feel I have lost everything I strove for and I couldn't help but just stare in space and blink back tears.

I felt this year has been all about me moving at blinding speed on a collision course heading straight towards God. And now I'm a wreck, but I can't go back to how it was, I can't go back to how I was. I don't know why but just when I'm starting to get comfortable in a place or with people, I'm suddenly propelled away to the other direction. I just wanted to sink into the soil and grow roots, I just wanted a place to call home, but I guess my sixth grade poem was right, this world is not my home. And wherever God leads me, that's where I'll be, and that's where I'll thrive..

I'm just tired of all the packing, moving, goodbye-ing, I'm stuck between the longing and the letting go..

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! =)

Anyway, enough of the melodrama already, we must enter the new year with big smiles, big hopes, big dreams and lots of prayers. So now I'm gonna turn off the sprinklers and turn up the fun stuff. On other news, I just bought a song from iTunes, I'm trying to build my Holiday playlist, and so far here's what I have:

1. You're Here by Francesca Battistelli
2. Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant
3. Born in Bethlehem by Third Day
4. I Need A Silent Night by Amy Grant
5. Wonderful Christmastime by Jars of Clay
6. Love Has Come by Amy Grant
7. Emmanuel by Amy Grant

On still other news, I'm also doing some writing for $$$, reminds me of that song from Barbie's Cradle: "Money For Food". Here's my revised lyrics:

"And maybe writing is a luxury
And when you can't afford it someday
It's possible you'll starve
If you will write all you like...
'cause people still need money for food.

So if you happen to see me on the street
Would you please give me coins and a drink
Cause people still need people
Who have money to give
Money for food"

Just came back from yet another English proficiency exam so I could qualify for a full time course, and all I can say is I'm running out of words. The essay part had an interesting topic, the premise is that some people say everything that happens in your life is your sole responsibility or your own fault, it means you are in control of your life and there are no outside forces that meddle with the outcome.

Where is God in this equation?

I passed the exam, I qualify for enrollment, but I don't think I want to study there.

My cousin just left for LA a few days ago, she was here for 6 days and I took her to all the ordinary places that a local would often take for granted. I hope she enjoyed her stay, I wish more friends and family would come visit me here. I don’t really enjoy going home to an empty home.

On her first day, we had dinner at this small Taiwanese noodle house in front of Metrotown, I’ve been looking for this one for the past how many months, I even thought it was closed already, my friend and I drove by a couple of times but couldn’t see it, but well apparently it’s still open and they serve really good iced milk tea =). After dinner we went to AuBAR for a dose of house music to satisfy the party girl in her – something she was really looking forward to. That was probably only the second time I’ve been to something like that here in Vancouver, the first time was two years ago and I distinctly remember my friend hurling at the side of the cab while on the way home ^^. This time there was nothing like that, I loved the effects of the lights and the way it feels like it’s pausing movements and slowing down time.

The next day we went to Church and I introduced her to people who are like my family here already. I remember my main purpose why I’m in this city - to work – but now that work is done, and I’ve lost touch with some of the people I used to hang out with at work, I am glad I have this Church community.

I showed my cousin how I lived my life here, we went downtown all bundled up in warm clothes, and I took her to some tourist landmarks like Gastown, Waterfront, and Stanley Park among others. We went to the healing rooms and got prayers, we watched a movie, shopped for souvenirs and gifts, ate sushi, cooked beef sinigang, went to a year end party, met up with a former workmate and talked nonstop till the wee hours of the morning about everything and nothing. I love my cousin, I love her eternal optimism and the way she brightens up even the most gloomy weather, It made me wish I had a sister.

I love this place, I really do, now if I can only take all the people that matters and ask them to take this empty seat beside me, then it wouldn’t be this lonely. For now, first things first, pack, leave, work, then come back when everything is better.

i still think the best part of watching tv is the commercial, and the best thing about the commercial is the song, what can i say, i'm a soundtrack junkie =) here are some of the new tracks i've added to my ipod that are inspired by tv ads, they go under my adtunes playlist

7. on the bus by hello gumption (nestle drumstick)
8. wash away by joe purdy (dawn)
9. all you need is love by grayson matthews (blackberry)
10. fly me away by annie little (amazon kindle)

For a lot of people, Thanksgiving is a time for family. After getting an invite to meet up with my cousins in LA and counting my free miles, I decided to skip Vancouver's rain in favor of the desert sun.

Ging picked me up from the Van Nuys fly away and we went straight to Jollibee to sample the chicken joy meal I missed, then to her mom's place for beef sinigang. The vacation was proving to be a gastronomic treat.

The next day, we braved two and a half hours on the freeway to Palm Springs. It almost felt like we were chasing the sun. Palm canyon is a nice getaway equipped with all the distractions to keep any vacation fun. I enjoyed hanging out at the pool and playing hoops at the gym.

Our turkey less thanksgiving dinner was a hit. I missed reconnecting with family, and being surrounded with a rowdy bunch chased my blues away. The morning after, we hiked the calories off and explored the quaint downtown scene. We got lost looking for Cabazon and found ourselves on the Morongo wind mills. It didn't really look like people were hardly hit by recession when we visited the outlet malls to witness the Black Friday madness, the store lineups were crazy long.

Aerial tramway - that was the highlight of the trip. Imagine being on a rotating gondola that was going up to 8000 feet of elevation, 5 towers, and 4 different kinds of climate in 15 minutes - sensory overload for sure. The scene change from desert to snow capped peaks was truly breath taking. At the top, you can do cross country skiing and snow shoeing, there's also a restaurant, and a theater. For 20 bucks, I could do this every week, if only Grouse was that cheap.

Too short - that's what I thought, but then again that's what makes vacations more valuable, something to look forward to. I guess if everyday was like this, we would appreciate it less, that's the tragedy of being human, sooner or later we get bored of utopia and want something new.

For now I am intoxicated by the blur of the past 5 days - I hope the buzz stays..

Your Love Never Fails
by Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me;
   all day long they press their attack.
My slanderers pursue me all day long;
   many are attacking me in their pride.
When I am afraid,
   I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
   in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
   What can mortal man do to me?

Psalms 56:1-4

dear God,

and the plot thickens, people are spreading words against me to bring me down and mar my years of hard work, dedication, and commitment to the team. this is rather distressing but You know the truth and You know my heart. and soon it will come out that i did not do anything to purposely destroy something that i devoted my time to help build. their accusations will prove to be nothing but lies.

i am just human and powerless, i cannot fight this battle alone, but You are God and You know what is just and righteous. You know what's best for me, redeem me Oh Lord from this pit and enlighten my detractors. may they be touched by the Holy Spirit and may they have an encounter with You that will enrich their lives, soften their heart and remove their hatred and biases.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

Amen.

"‘Cause good things get better I know they do
Yeah they do, I know they do
Good things get better for me and you
And that's true, you know it's true"

- keaton simons, "good things get better"

"Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it."
- Helen Hayes (1900 - 1993)

after this great tragedy of betrayal, of hearing bad words from the most unlikely people, and of being promised something then being let down with no explanation, i feel blindsided, like a train wreck. now i am left with pieces to pick up and debris to clean and throw to the trash.

i wish i can say: "i quit, this is too much for me to handle, i give up." but then it's not over until it's over, and for me, sadly, or fortunately, depending on which half of the glass you want to look at, it's not done yet.

i am now stranded halfway across the globe, all because i believed in something that vanished into thin air. i am now banished because i wanted to communicate and share how i felt. i am now labeled because i am misunderstood. will wonders ever cease? will tides ever turn? we'll never know if we don't stay until the curtains fall..

and so the show must go on,

"Never underestimate the power of blind faith. It can manifest itself in ways that bend the laws of physics or break them entirely."

i've always thought that the best way to get to the bottom of things was to confront them. but if the other party refuses to, then it's quite a dilemma. I have too much on my plate right now to deal with this. Dear God, please get this burden off me.

when i was in nursery, i remember using my left hand to write and draw but then my teacher "corrected" me and told me to use my right hand, and so i learned to write and draw as a righty but with all other activities like sports, i'm still a lefty by heart. i've read somewhere that right handed people live longer and that there's a lot of prejudice against lefties. and so to be a well balanced person, i decided to be ambidextrous.

for the past couple of weeks i've been teaching my left hand to draw by enrolling in an art class. and last summer, i've trained my right hand to play tennis. so far, my quest for being truly ambidextrous is well underway. i guess this means i will live on the average and be equally prejudiced =).

i've always thought i was more of an artsy person than a techie, i liked writing, music, and drawing when i was growing up, i thought i would be a published poet or novelist, or a song writer, or a concert pianist or a charcoal painter but education drove away the creativity in me, and then i fell in love with numbers and incomplete gamma functions. i dreamt of one day making my own theorem or creating solutions for unsolvable math problems. but of course dreams bargained for reality, and sooner rather than later, i found myself working with computers.

on my sophomore year in university i got interested in slr photography and web design. i created personal homepages for friends and websites for school and small businesses. i thought my future would be in graphic design or animation, but then i got sidetracked again and woke up doing back-end server side stuff for a telecoms company. it was a good experience, it brought food on the table, but 10 years later i feel i missed out on some stuff i used to like. i guess i could have equally divided my time between work and hobbies but i just lost track of everything, where did all the years go? now i think i want a field that deals with or manages people, maybe a psychologist or a guidance counselor or a professor? this is how i know i'm getting older.. i'm getting weirder every day..

focusing on doing one thing at a time is a challenge for me, my mind always wanders and somehow i find something else to do when i'm supposed to be finishing another, so i end up with a couple of half baked, half started projects. now that i have time in my hands, i'm tying some loose ends and pursuing some paths that i've decided not to take back when i didn't really know any better. the sky is limitless, it stretches on to forever, so many possibilities yet to unfold, so many futures to choose from.

right now, i'm reading 2 samuel 18, reflecting on the passage and praying for revelation so i can share something in cg next week when i'm not feeling sick anymore, i'm also reviewing road sense for drivers so i can go on a road trip - from west to east, i'm also setting up eclipse and spring on mac just for fun, editing some photos and videos, composing a musical score in garageband, writing a short story, drawing composition on my sketchbook, designing my personal website, migrating my geocities pages before they close down, and wondering why i'm not getting any email or sms response from someone. that's how distracted and disorganized my brain is right now. to top it all off i just received instructions to finish a programming assignment in two hours.. a day after the deadline has passed.. obviously i need to check my email more often, such is my life without a mobile phone - totally disconnected from the world.. well almost..

ok i guess i have to load my ide, this is a sign to stop blogging..

"You fight your superficiality, your shallowness, so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance, as untanklike as you can be, sans cannon and machine guns and steel plating half a foot thick; you come at them unmenacingly on your own ten toes instead of tearing up the turf with your caterpillar treads, take them on with an open mind, as equals, man to man, as we used to say, and yet you never fail to get them wrong. You might as well have the brain of a tank. You get them wrong before you meet them, while you're anticipating meeting them; you get them wrong while you're with them; and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again. Since the same generally goes for them with you, the whole thing is really a dazzling illusion empty of all perception, an astonishing farce of perception.

And yet what are we to do about this terribly significant business of other people, which gets bled of the significance we think it has and takes on instead a significance that is ludicrous, so ill-equipped are we all to envision one another's interior workings and invisible aims? Is everyone to go off and lock the door and sit secluded like the lonely writers do, in a soundproof cell, summoning people out of words and then proposing that these word people are closer to the real thing than the real people that we mangle with our ignorance every day? The fact remains that getting people right is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again. That's how we know we're alive: we're wrong. Maybe the best thing would be to forget being right or wrong about people and just go along for the ride. But if you can do that -- well, lucky you."

- Philip Roth, American Pastoral

Weekends are for getaways, and Galiano island was the next dot that had to be pinned. My mom just left and I'm still trying my best to avoid bad habits by hanging out with the right people, so I said yes to this excursion.

The heavens looked dark and impenetrable on the ferry ride but soon a ray of light forced its way through the thick clouds and we saw a hint of blue skies. The cottage where we stayed was very cozy and the rocky beach surrounding it was conducive for soul searching.

We hiked a lot during the trip, exploring all the nooks, walking along shorelines, climbing mountain tops and checking out the local art scene. It was nature overload in the mornings and lots of sharing and bonding moments in the evenings.

Everything would have been just perfect if not for the mishap on the afternoon when we were supposed to leave. Coming back from Serenity by the Sea to check out some art work, we realized the battery on our car keys died. We tried to open the door manually but the lock was broken - we were trapped in the middle of nowhere. Amidst debates on whether we should break the window or just leave some people with the car while the rest find the way back to the cottage, we decided to go seek shelter from the cold.

We did find serenity by the sea despite the stress brought about by our misadveture. We found things to play with while waiting for someone to slim jim their way into our van. I napped a bit and dreamt the keys were working and when I woke I felt better.

First weekend trip this year with people who speak my language, I've been out of touch with them for so long, it feels different hanging out - but different in a good way - like somehow I belong.

today i stayed home alone with my thoughts from sun up to sun down, it can be fatal i know, but i survived, somehow. i started the day thinking i would do my laundry, work out, join the trip to lighthouse park, throw the trash, do groceries, clean my room, play with rapidweaver, decode the google phone.. but of course i ended up doing none of those. the day is just too short to do anything, i don't know if everything is on fast forward here or i'm just really slow. i can see how easy it is to let the world spin by while i stay in place and not move forward in this life. at times like these, i can hear my friend's voice saying "you have no concept of time". i woke up before 6am and 14 hours later i'm still in bed, counting the skytrains passing by.

last night we had a nice walk along english bay and had dinner at a jazz place that burned a hole in my pocket. it was fun to catch up with people from the past and to recall the good old days. my former cubemate asked me why i changed my mind about staying here. she reminded me of what i said before about finding another place to explore once my work here is done, but something happened somehow, and now here i am, trying to make some semblance of structure so i can survive this concept of permanent residence. when i close my eyes and ask God for a picture of what life would be like for me, all i see is black.

i step one side
life esteemed
outside ourselves
we lead our feelings,
rough, rough is the darkness
that i feel
when we feel not ourselves,
come I'll show you heaven,
heaven where angels sing
and people die
where lovers say goodbye
where pain is essential to life
where leaders have to lie,
welcome dear one to forever
welcome to good night
forgotten, forgotten
gone...

is it just me or did summer just pass by like a breeze? i blinked and it was still spring, i blinked again and it's summer already, i'm afraid another quick shut eye would bring fall in advance. i don't want the sunny days to be over yet, and yet it's inevitable, the rain and the gray clouds will come soon, bringing with it the wonderful colors of autumn.
for the past two months, i've been at yvr at least 6 times, just whisking people and their baggages to and from the place. being in airports doesn't evoke the same feelings in me anymore, it doesn't affect me anymore. this must mean i'm getting better.

have you ever wanted something so much that it physically hurts when you don't get it? i used to say no, i mean really, what is there in life that's so precious to hold on to that it would break your heart if you don't get it? everything here is temporary anyway, what's the point of holding on? i can be anywhere anytime with anybody doing anything, but do i want to be just that?
as much as i am a traveler, the past year made me appreciate a lot of things missing in my career as a wanderer - growing roots, having residence, family, community. in this ever changing world, it's a comfort to have something constant to hold on to, and just as everything is being pulled away from me, leaving me back to empty, i realized how much i wanted the stuff i never had. it was torture.

it took me a while to bounce back and finally let go and let God do His work, I have done my best. If I am meant to live here then I will stay, if I should be in this job, then I will keep it. If there is somewhere or something better for me, then so be it. He knows my heart and what I want but He also knows what's best for me, He makes all things beautiful in His own time. I am tired of fighting time...

it's that time of the year for meteor showers in the northern hemisphere, the perseids should be visible between 12am to 3am, now if only it's not foggy and you're looking away from the moon, then it would really be a sight to behold, otherwise you might miss it, but unlike aurigids that takes decades to reappear, there's still a chance to catch a glimpse of perseids next summer since it happens every year anyway.

some things in life are like perseids, constant, on the dot, dependable, consistent. they are always there, they always show, year after year at the exact same time and place, with no fail. other stuff are like aurigids, they are rare, they dont have a pattern, they come and go and you never really know when they'll come back again if they do come back again. so which one of the two would you value more?

i asked that same question before to this person i know from university, i was visiting the city and was leaving the next day so I asked if we could meet to catch up, she had a scheduled dinner with her roommates at that time and i gave her the leonid - augrid analogy when i asked if she could make some room for me since i might not be coming back anymore, she wisely stated her point - if i get turned down, i will be hurt now and then i will be gone and that's that, if she turns down the people she is constantly with, then she has to live with it for a long time. and so she has to value the ones that are constant, not the ones that come just once and might not come again.

i used to value ephemeral things more - those that visit us for a moment and never really stay but leave lasting impressions - like shooting stars and cherry blossoms and passing friends. i used to say i must make time for these objects, these events, these people, because they might not be here again and i will have lost something rare if i miss them. but in time i have come to realize that i have neglected those that are constant in my life - like the sky above me, and the ground i walk on, and God's infinite love. it's time to pay homage to them and acknowledge them. often we take for granted those that are always there, but that won't be the case anymore.. i'm a work in progress, and i'm doing my best everyday to be the best person that God intends me to be. He knows what's best for me.

incidentally, totally unrelated to heavenly bodies, today is international left handers day. people are inventing so many things to celebrate about =) i'm not really left handed, i'm more ambidextrous, probably the only thing i can't do with my left hand is write cursive, sports and my mouse belong to my left, and from yesterday's art class i just discovered that i can also draw with my left hand, this is great, i have a spare working hand =) maybe i can use both at the same time, write with my right and draw with my left haha, almost like the wisdom of crocodiles. let's see ^^

there is a sadness tugging at my heart right now as i look at the city lights below me. just finished moving songs between my ipods and reading the word in between thinking too much, i could set a new record for myself - for not being able to sleep. now that the dust has almost settled in, there are so many things left to put in their proper places or put away in boxes to send away. the noise of the skytrain keeps me awake, as a flood of recollection try to pull me down, thoughts of people who rarely speak, but when they do, crush my heart into pieces, still linger at the back of my head when i try to close my eyes.

i need to be rid of myself.

two months and two more moves later, my previous post looks so ancient now. my new place, for the next few months at least, is on the 24th floor, overlooking the mountains, the sea, and the city lights. every day, the sound of the skytrain greets me until 2 am, it rests for two hours, then it starts again - this kept me up on the first few nights but after i finished setting up my sound system, i can now block out the noise with music as i sleep on the couch.

a week after my move, i am almost done unpacking and settling in, i boxed all the useless things i accumulated and tidied the clutter that is my stuff. having my own place again feels different. it brings me back to 5 years ago when i was living on the 22nd floor overlooking makati, 2 minutes walk to greenbelt, and 10 minutes walk to work. i remember the fireworks every week in december which i can see from the rooftop and stargazing by the pool every night.

now, half a decade later, i can't really say i'm better off. i am more lost and more alone than ever before and the future doesn't look friendly at all. my family is now physically and emotionally distant, my old friends have moved on to new chapters in their lives, and the new ones i've met have their own roots and security blankets here. i feel like a seed that grew on the wrong side of the forest.

on times like these, when i miss people who can't be with me, i have my sailboat and my lava lamp to comfort me.

moving to a new place entails a lot of hard work, it requires not only mental and emotional preparation but tough manual labor as well - packing things into bags or boxes, discarding accumulated junk, cleaning up the old room, saying goodbye to people you will leave behind, saying hi and adjusting to the new people you will be living with, cleaning up the new room, physically carrying the stuff to the new place, unpacking them all again, and setting them up in the new corners you would want to put them in - just listing these steps is already exhausting. in fact, survey says that moving house is of the top 5 most stressful things in life, the others are work, debt, loneliness, relationship problems, and whatever else.

so why do people move in the first place? there could be a lot of different reasons - forced eviction, going to somewhere better, or it's just the natural progression of things. not that i've stopped growing, but i have always remembered my growing up years to be punctuated by endless moving to different houses temporary called home. usually the scenes would be as dramatic as "running on empty" but mostly its just a chore brought about by the school or work we chose. my clothes were always in boxes or suitcases, i never bothered to take them out to put inside drawers and closets, i would never buy things mindlessly, i would always think about disposing the old one first before getting something new. or else they would be a pain to pack or carry when i move again. and so i lived my life without baggage, light, cool and easy.

last year though, i decided to spin in place, i've changed too much and assimilated a lot of bad things into my life, falsely believing that everything i was before should be discarded in order to stay here. i accumulated a lot of useless baggage, and now i feel heavy and burdened, but then an epiphany came and whispered a nugget of wisdom into my ears - you don't need to be as heavy as a rock, swim in the mud or sink deep into the soil to grow roots, i could be an aerial plant instead.

today my room looks like an aftermath of a holocaust, things scattered here and there, i have to sort through everything to find out what to keep and what to throw away. these junk would have stayed hidden in bags, rotting or collecting dust, had i not decided to move to a new place and stir the skeletons in my closet. it will take a while for this place to become habitable again or have some semblance of order, but small steps get you there.

coming, going, leaving, entering, moving, staying in place, uprooting, growing roots, everything is part of what makes life interesting. this might be one small step for a wandrer like me, but it's a giant leap for all nomads out there =)

i've always had problems with letting go. it takes a while for me to turn the switch off and move on. when i know something is about to end, i tend to condition my mind, far in advance, a defense mechanism - i say my goodbyes early - that way when the time comes, i am almost ready to step outside the box, unscathed. but really, how does one escape a meteor crashing straight towards you? i don't know, i lack the wisdom to know such things. and so i do what i do best, i run away.

in a few hours from now i will be like that song - leaving on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again. funny, there are no words to describe great emotions, i can only quote cheesy lyrics that don't quite fit. sometimes you have to go away and step back in order to miss something or appreciate something more. i fear change, i fear moving out of my comfort zone, i fear my security blanket is being yanked away from me. and i don't know how to live with that. if only the world will stop spinning for a while and let me stay in this moment longer...

Stop The World
Matthew West

The TV is talking
The telephone’s ringing
The lights are all on
And the radio’s screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You
I’m tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees
And breaks my defenses
It’s wearing me down and I’m desperate to hear from You

Stop the world I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth
And I need time, precious time

Stop the world I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me
Stop the world I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

I feel most alive when the road changes and moves beneath me, but I feel most at home when I am flying above the clouds or riding the waves in the middle of the ocean.

Two decades ago, my holy week would have been spent fasting, doing the stations of the cross, going to confession, communion and church. A decade ago, I would have been going home from university for summer vacation, spending time with family, going to memorial to commemorate the last supper on nissan 14.

In between then and now, my disappointment and disillusionment with people and institutions hardened my heart. God does not reside only in the church of the pious but also in the hearts of the lonely and the passionate.

As I stood on the fishing boat watching the waves of the open sea crash onto its sides and almost tip it over, I gazed up at the vast gray clouds and thanked God for lending me this life, for sending his son Jesus Christ to die for my sins so that I may be redeemed, for showering me with blessings and showing me miracles everyday, then I asked for forgiveness for all my trespasses and once again I prayed for Him to take me away.

I felt the raindrops like needle pricks against my face while I held on to the bars to keep myself from falling overboard. It's moments like these that give me clarity - when I feel like I'm a tiny insignificant dot in the universe, that in the blink of an eye I could be gone and would cease to exist. Feels so different compared to sitting in front of the computer in an antiseptic cube.

It reminded me of my childhood spent on small boats and the big waves of Romblon. I have come a long way from home, and when I talked to my family last Wednesday I felt so far away and so lost. Why did I grow up too fast, too soon..

I still feel out of place sometimes, like I just woke up from a dream and I'm suddenly surrounded by all these grown ups, only to realize that I am a grown up myself with no clue on how to proceed. And yet an epiphany came to me as the sea swallowed my uncertainties. I know what to do now.

If only I can keep myself from being sad and restless in between now and that time.. I hope I can survive.

the montreal trip was marked by blind dining at o'noir, tree top adventure, museum of modern art tour, indie film viewings at cinema du parc, long walks at rue st. laurent to rue st. catherine, hike down from mont royal, jazz bar excursions, a visit to basilique notre dame and poutine overdose.

the first two days were sunny but unfortunately my friend had to support some work stuff so i just looked at the city from the window. finally on the third day we met up with her college friends and tried the surprise menu at o'noir. the ad said that senses are heightened and the flavors are enhanced when you're blind dining, but interestingly for me, i thought the food was more bland when i don't actually ssee what i'm eating. oh well.

the tree-top adventure was not as long as the one we did at la fleche in quebec, i wasn't feeling up to it that time and i wasn't even wearing the right shoes but i gave in to peer pressure and just went for it. i'm glad i did, i haven't tried the obstacle course and ziplining in the snow. the only downside was there were no gloves provided and it was so cold but overall it was fun.

the view from mont royal was spectacular, but i heard that the view from cypress is way better, can't really compare though coz i haven't been to the cypress lookout yet, maybe i should stop by sometime. the hike down was not that bad, i did try to call for a taxi but it never came, it reminded me of the time when i walked down from tops - now that was hard work, i couldn't lift my legs to stand up the next day, this one was nothing compared to that, then again we didnt really go up till the top..

among other things, montreal is famous for its jazz bars, so we went to at least three. acid jazz is not really one of my favorites, it's like dadaism on saxophone, but i loved the piano renditions - now if only i can teach myself to play like that, then i'll be set for a career in music =)

the last day of the trip was spent looking for starbucks mugs, i didn't know this was such a hard to find commodity in this city of a hundred coffee shops. eventually we found a store that had stocks, unfortunately for me i wasn't able to get a snow globe to add to my collection, i guess this calls for a next time...

(tagged by Su & Krissy)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it is because I want to know more about you.

1. When choosing between two evils, I choose the one I haven't tried before ;)

2. One of my travel goals is to visit at least one new city every year.

3. One of these days I'm just gonna quit my job and bum around for a year and travel.

4. I'm spur of the moment, I don't like planning, it's easier to invite me for something tonight than to invite me for something next month.

5. When I'm disappointed, I go outside and walk until the world feels better again.

6. Sometimes I'm a walking contradiction, I probably have multiple personalities :).

7. I hate routine, I get antsy or go crazy when I'm doing the same thing over and over or when I'm always with the same people.

8. I've always wanted to be a writer and publish my work.

9. I cook when I'm sad, I like cooking better than eating.

10. When I like a song, I listen to it on repeat for at least a month until I start hating it and then I don't listen to it anymore, I'm the same with gadgets.

11. I'm good at beginnings, I like starting things, then I usually abandon them in the middle.

12. I like winter and snow storms.

13. I don't value things as much as I used to, I used to be more careful with stuff, I don't like scratches or dents and dings, now I don't really care anymore, imperfection just adds character.

14. I like the feeling of missing people, I would rather miss people than get tired of them and start taking them for granted.

15. My favorite colors are black and white and grey and blue and lilac.

16. I want to have a siberian husky.

17. It's hard for me to sit still and grow roots, sometimes I just want to run away to a new place where noone knows my name, and start from scratch.

18. Three things I like in this world: travel, writing and mathematics, not in that order.

19. I like flying, and falling, I want to fly an airplane, or try skydiving one of these days.

20. I miss university. I like being in school, it's so easy being a student, you just study and you get allowance, now you have to work for everything.

21. I have the classic peter pan syndrome, I don't wanna grow up and be responsible.

22. When I go home to an empty house at night, I miss my family, I miss speaking in Tagalog, I miss my people, I miss my country.

23. There is no object that I value that much in this life that I'm gonna be really sad when I lose it.

24. I'm not afraid of death or dying, it's the painful suffering before the end that sucks

25. I unintentionally drive people crazy just by being me.

boston was a blast, met up with zet whom i haven't seen in 5 years - has it really been that long? it didn't feel like it though since there wasn't really much to catch up on coz we exchange emails almost every other day anyway. we took a stroll along harvard square and mit campus until we felt nostalgic about our own university, so we decided to drive off at 6 in the morning to the city that never sleeps: new york. we visited all the places i missed last time i went there as well as the usual stops - the financial district, ground zero, and times square. it was march and yet still freezing cold at liberty island, which is probably why it was so easy to get ferry tickets this time. snow caught up with us as we tried to jog at central park and on the way back to massachusetts it became a full blown snow storm.

warm and dry back in cambridge, i realized this would be one of the last if not the last trip we'll ever take together before she turns another chapter in her book. we used to go island hopping in the visayas, and did spur-of-the-moment-escape-the-valentine-crowd roadtrips in luzon with ri and the rest of the gang back when everyone were still unattached. those days seem like a whole other lifetime now and i am awed at how the world and my friends have changed a lot in the span of half a decade.

my cubemates now reside in different continents and have accomplished a lot since those ne tools days of mfc and sourcesafe. it's amazing how much each of us have grown to be who we are today, esentially the same fresh grads but much more polished and a little less idealistic. i'm excited to see what the future holds and yet at the same time afraid that i might become what i have always hoped not to be..

but there's no use worrying too much, tomorrow will take care of itself, for now march main event is announcement of bells ringing for my fave cousin kat, and bday celebs for kuya, zet and stellah,. best wishes and maligayang bati are in order ^_^

now that i got my passport back (yey!), the world seems brighter again =) no need to be stuck in place and grieve that i can't go to the mountains - i'm banned from snowboarding till my fractured vertebrae heals. 6 to 8 weeks, another xray, and soon i will be good as new, almost.. for now my physio says i should do core strength exercises for my back.. still hurts to sit but.. whatever, no pain no gain, hmmm what did i gain from this experience again?

in the meantime, i'm off to boston, somewhere i've never been, a place i only know in song, to meet up with zet and check out harvard, hmm what is there to do in this university city? maybe i should go back to school and relearn everything haha

"Boston"
by Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

i used to say that pain is not the worst thing in the world (forgetting is), but i was talking about emotional pain then - those tiny insignificant heartaches that can easily be blotted out by perspective and the right state of mind. physical pain is a totally different matter, i've tried using up all the logic in my head to convince myself that i'm not hurting, but it's not really working, well, maybe sometimes, but not always. i thought i was good at this - tolerating pain, but i just proved myself wrong, i'm good for nothing.

last saturday, as i was getting off the lift at cypress, i felt something hit my back, then everything was a blur, i was lying on the snow facing the blue skies, and all i could think of was how those two birds looked so happy flying by. i couldn't move, couldn't feel my toes nor my fingers, all i could hear was people in the background telling me to get out of the way but i was in shock, nothing intelligible was coming out of my mouth, they tried to move me and i tried to get up but only my brain was working, the rest of my body didn't respond.

there were no flashbacks, no moving pictures of life lessons ran in my mind, i made a mental note that perhaps all those books and movies were wrong, when you die, you just become this brain trapped in a body, and then slowly you will fade away.. your life will not go on instant replay, it will just be gone in the blink of an eye.. one moment you're here, the next moment you're gone.

numb from the cold and babbling some nonsense phrases, the first-aid team finally arrived and strapped me to a gurney then rolled me down the hill on a sled. they called for an ambulance and i found myself on my second ER trip in this lifetime. i must say ambulance ride is cool =) except i couldn't really appreciate it that much because i had this neck brace that stopped me from looking around.

at the hospital, they took me to radiology for xrays while my friends patiently waited by my side. got dismissed by doctor saying everything will go away in a few days, but one day will be more painful than the next. he prescribed some painkillers then i was discharged, i stood up and all the pain in the world collided in my head, i felt faint and i don't really remember much. i just knew i wanted to get out of the place fast before the world starts spinning.

later that day i got a call from the hospital saying they made a mistake interpreting my x-rays. turned out i have a fractured lumbar vertebrae, fancy name that explains the pain. and it will hurt for several weeks instead of just a few days.

so now i'm living one painful day at a time in slow motion.. it hurts to stand up, sit down, walk, laugh, breathe, digest food. stretch, i feel like an invalid, unable to pick up stuff,, yeah i'm being whiny and grumpy and on full complain mode. can't focus or think clearly.. stopped taking the pain killers, it's for whimps, plus it made it hard for me to breathe, the label on the bottle also scared me - habit forming. i don't need more addictions..

the nights are worse, but tomorrow is gonna be better. pain is not the worst thing in the world after all, not even physical pain, although the mind can't really block it out completely, it's still all about attitude. feeling anything, even pain, just reminds us that we're alive, and with life there is hope..

in some alternate universe, i wish my whole life just flashed before my eyes and then i'd be done with it in a split second, no more unbearable feeling of shooting pain... it's hard accepting that i have to stay in place now, and be a burden to other people, i can't even do my work well.. i feel so useless..

in that other life lived from the other window, i would wish myself away.. but somehow i'm somewhere else now.. somewhere i have never travelled, i'm just glad my guardian angel is taking care of me tonight.. i wish i deserved this kindness..

gave up snowboarding today because i needed to finish this stupid document. i've been staring blankly at the screen for 7 hours now and nothing is coming to my head, no light bulb, no epiphany, no revelation, no clarity, no wisdom. the fog has turned to blue skies then back to fog again, and i've ran up and down 14 stories to no avail. i need to find the will and inspiration to do this, maybe i'm driven by deadlines, maybe this is not my passion, maybe i was not meant to do this, maybe i don't belong here, maybe i'm just a good for nothing slacker pretending to be a software engineer, when in fact i would do the whole i.t. community a favor if i retire and grow root crops in some mountain province, who knows? maybe i just don't care, i mean really, what's the worst that can happen if i don't do this? just get fired, it's not like it's a matter of life and death, it's just a job. i've been working for the past 10 years, i need a break, just bum around and wait for manna to fall from the sky or something.

someone i know is going to tokyo next week to present results on cancer research, i was invited to go and do some math work for the paper but that's not really very possible right now with my current visa status. would be cool working with a bunch of doctors and mathematicians, analyzing data on the effects of intermittent androgen suprression after radiation theraphy for advanced cancer. but as it is, i am here, grounded, stuck, putting logic in excel sheets and inventing class diagrams. how did i get here?

need to focus now and finish this, don't want to waste another weekend chained to this laptop screen.

Speak of the Devil
Sum 41

Trying to find a way
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one,
One thing to believe in

I've seen many a face
From young, and too old
I've stolen their faith, and I have broken their souls
Was here before Christ, had forgave you your sins
And paid your price, and sealed your fate within
Days have come to an end
Today's the day that we meet again
The self inflicted inebriation, guilt never lies

I've been waiting for the chance to reunite this sick romance
Poison never hurt so good
So nice of you to speak of me
Your closest friend and enemy
An only savior of masochists
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It's the last days of our life
The faith of men

Time, it's been so long
And now there's nothing to say
I'm trying so hard to find the words to say
I'm tired of being, now I'm something I'm not
I can't believe, and I never thought
Days would come to an end
Well maybe someday we'll meet again
If ever that day never comes
It would be too soon

I've been waiting for the chance to nullify this sick romance
Pull the cord to detonate
So sick of you don't speak of me
No represent of misery
An only savior of masochists
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the grave
It's the last days of our life
Well it's the dead end slave
From the alter to the gray
It's the last days of our life
The faith of men

Trying find a way,
Getting better every day
And I got you now, I'm not alone
All I need in this life is one
One thing to believe in

the magnitude of people's selfishness often disappoint me. i'm glad there is God, my family, friends, and music that i could turn to, to appease my soul. otherwise i really will go crazy trying to deal with all these things..

the real world is messed up, but tomorrow is another day, and so i carry on.

Maybe You're Right
Barenaked Ladies

It was often talked about
It was often raised
But nothing was ever done about it
To hear the way they talked about it
Noone could be saved
But nothing was ever done about it

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

It was oversimplified
It was underthought
And nothing was ever done to stop it
Everything was fortified by
All the lies we bought
And nothing was ever done to stop it

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
And live my whole life in silence instead?

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

There was a time
When a crime was a crime
Now I think I'm losing my mind
Or taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard
Taking it all too hard

Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?
All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations

Shall I take back everything I've ever said
(Shall I take back all my attacks? All of my accusations?)
And live my whole life in silence instead?
(All my mistrust - we never discussed anyone's reservations)

Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
Maybe you're right
But I don't think so

since the skating rink gave up on me last saturday, not without sprains and bruises, i decided to head to 4th and burrard to get some snowboarding gear instead, after all, what's the point of being in a snow covered country if i'm not going to enjoy its winter sports right? =) can't sulk around until the sun comes out again, which in vancouver is probably next to never anyway - that would mean i'm gonna be miserable for three quarters of the year if i don't find any other activity aside from running away to some other sunny city.

wanted to buy board and boots as well but then again what am i gonna do with it if the forces that be suddenly decide to send me home in 19 days? can't really go pavement boarding in makati, can i? =) content with the rest of my purchase, and relatively poorer, proceeded to bute to enjoy tamako's home cooked yakisoba and miso plus a game of global domination. risk is a nice game, i tried my best to defend my territories in australila and parts of asia but the mighty army of north america crushed my forts to pieces. it was a merciless bloodbath, which i shall avenge next time ^^

stayed up till 4am thinking too much about things and writing stuff that made sense only in my head. two hours later, hitched a ride to whistler - site of the 2010 winter olympics. probably not the best place for beginners, but hey it's a great story to tell =) i did all these amazing falls at blackcomb, almost ran over two skiers, almost hit a post, almost hit a tree, almost crashed on the lift, almost broke my neck, probably broke my back, but hey i was still in one piece after 8 hours of uninterrupted climbing up and falling down, didn't really feel any pain, i'm probably immune to it already - which is great.

sky, snow, clouds, board, sky, post, tree, sky, snow, lift, sky.. i'm definitely doing this again next weekend.. hopefully no avalanche warning this time..

at earl's for lunch this afternoon to mark a friend's birthday - quarter of a century, what a milestone. where was i when i reached that mark? my blog says i was at cafe havana with ri and gia, they're now in japan and london respectively, one happily married, the other engaged, time flies when you're having fun =) back then i was marking the whole october as mine as usual, travelling, watching movies, playing games, buying gadgets, hanging out with friends, dealing with family issues, tinkering with tech stuff, dabbling in poetry, juggling broken hearts, waiting for flowers to wilt, probably swimming in mud and contemplating on existentialism or what i've done with my life so far - quarter life crisis, but it doesn't matter anymore. life is getting better every day. and today is just one of those days.

tonight i'm catching up with my older brother. everybody's been asking me when i'm coming home, i wish i knew the answer, but i don't. and i don't really care anymore either. whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera =p

Your result for The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test... Fairly Normal
48 % Nerd, 30% Geek, 17% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Fairly Normal.

This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast.

I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal.

Congratulations!

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback!

Take The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test at HelloQuizzy

thanks to unending falling snow, i'm trapped in my bunk for the weekend and thanks to tv reruns, i now know the name of the random tv show i was watching last time - "the city" - must admit, the series is not really that interesting but the soundtrack is striking, as usual i'm more captivated by music rather than plot, found that other song that was playing in one of the scene.

just finished shoveling slush from the front and back porch steps so i could actually go out in the morning, but it started snowing again so i guess i should just let it be and snowboard my way to the office tomorrow ^_^

here's the view from my bedroom window - the building with the triangle on top is where i work, so near and yet so far when you look at the mountain of snow that i have to walk on =)

Prelude To A Kiss
by Alicia Keys

Sometimes I feel
like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take
so long for me to get to somewhere

Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted
but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel,
and a heavy load to bear.

And it's a long, long way to heaven
but I gotta get there
Can you send an angel?
Can you send me an angel to guide me.

never really got a chance to watch dying young back in 1991, i was probably not into sitting still for two or so hours at that age (not that i am any different now). i get easily bored when i have to focus on doing just one thing at a particular moment. anyway, was listening to kenny g.'s holiday album last week when i came across the soundtrack for this movie, now i'm interested to check it out and see for myself what the hype is all about. talk about delayed reaction. =)

nablopomo's theme for this month is change, very interesting, what a way to start the new year - write about change everyday; i just might join except i'm done with writing. there is nothing more to write about, i've used up all my words, i've reached the dead end road. i'm tired. i don't know why. i just feel so drained of energy these days. something is keeping my head heavy, who cares, it doesn't matter, maybe i'll just stick with pictures, and see if they're really worth a thousand words..

caught this song while flipping through channels on tv last night:

"Borrowed Time"
A Fine Frenzy

Thick as thieves the last of leaves
In the winter sun
Holding fast this freezing branch
Is home to us

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it's life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

Counting stars and passing cars
On the interstate
The end is near I feel it dear,
But I am not afraid

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it's life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

But you say you're getting tired
You're tired and so am I
When you follow from behind

Step, step right over the line
And onto borrowed time
When it's life, not waiting to die
Waiting to divide to divide

But you say you're getting tired
You're tired and so am I
When you follow from behind