as i wrap up my 5 days of sun in the city of angels, i feel a sense of loss. the crows sing in the background and suddenly i miss everything and nothing all at once. top priority on my list right now is to rebook my flight back home so i could leave bc earlier.

for the past 12 months, i've been on 27 plane rides, 2 boat rides, and countless road trips. it doesnt really look like i'm running away from safety eh? for next year, i plan to stay grounded, just spin in place and grow roots. it may be frightening at first but i know it's time to hang my wings out to dry and pursue the things i've avoided for so long - settling down.

a long december and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last
i can't remember the last thing you said as you were leavin'
now the days go by so fast

and it's one more day up in the canyons
and it's one more night in hollywood
if you think that i could be forgiven... i wish you would

the smell of hospitals in winter
and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
all at once you look across a crowded room
to see the way that light attaches to a girl

and it's one more day up in the canyons
and it's one more night in hollywood

if you think you might come to california... i think you should

drove up to the hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
and talked a little while about the year
i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

and it's been a long december and there's no reason to believe
maybe this year will be better that the last
i can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
to hold on to these moments as they pass

and it's one more day up in the canyon
and it's one more night in hollywood
it's been so long since i've seen the ocean... i guess i should

- counting crows, "a long december"

believe it or not, this is my first "real" christmas celebration - the tree, the lights, the gifts, the holiday songs playing in the background, the dinner with every member of the family present - they're all so new and foreign, but apparently for some it's an age old tradition; something they take for granted. if they only knew how it is to not have a complete family, i'm sure they'll learn to appreciate each other more and cherish each other's presence and role in their lives.

on a lighter note, look what santa got for me =)

still not done with the gift shopping and wrapping, nor with the tracing of scripts. so i got crazy and got a dell 196fp as a gift for myself. this will help me see all the defects in full color. more importantly, a dual monitor setup allows me to see all the sub groups i made on my ym. haha. what an excuse to buy something. just like what mavic said, you can never get enough of what you don't really need.

woke up to a snowy morning today. the streets look so picture perfect - straight from a postcard with a "white christmas" caption. had a snowball fight with my cousins then we drove to oakridge to get more things to wrap and put under the dressed up pine tree. hmmm, wish my wireless mighty mouse and keyboard is hiding somewhere under the pile. i'm slowly building my home office setup, tomorrow i'm getting an hp f2140. next time i get snowed in, my room will be loaded with all the things i need to be functional.

watching iron chef right now, secret ingredient is oyster, yum! i miss that.

tis that season again, that time of the year when you start looking at the past n years of your life and reflect on why you are where you are and wonder if next year will be the same.

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever."- Ally McBeal-

after an attack of sporadic geekiness (is there such a word?) i took this test and here's my result:

Which OS are You?

there are holiday parties and send off dinner invites left and right, the calories are piling up and my dollars are depleting. this is why i hide in my room at this time of the year. well if only i could, it's shopping season, time to promote consumerism and commercialism to make the economies of the world turn, that being said, i'm late on my gift buying.

went to ikea last saturday with paolo, my visit to their showroom inspired me to redecorate my room. ordered a loft bed online. will be rearranging some stuff to make more space for a work desk. hopefully, it will look like this in the end.

found a nice gift for saturday at costco last night. now if only i can move my lazy self and find the energy to wrap it. will probably opt for a gift bag instead coz i really don't want to waste my time putting something together that will just be carelessly torn apart in a few minutes.

funny when you stay away from one far place, something unexpected comes up and takes you to something farther. was supposed to have dinner tonight with workmates but i wasn't up to it. twas raining and we'll be taking the skytrain. so i went home and hanged out with my cousin and her friend.

on a whim, quel suggested we go to vandusen and see the festival of lights. gi borrowed her mom's car and we drove there. it was a serene sight - watching colored drops of red, green and yellow dance around the trees in tune with nostalgic holiday music. almost makes you feel more alone but not when you're with crazy people.

life is never boring when you're crazy.

- that's the budget for the white elephant event on saturday, in case you don't know what that is - it's a new way to promote the value of stealing gifts this holiday season. went to metrotown and looked for anything interesting but found none. what makes it harder is that it has to be unisez. probably was looking at the wrong places - american eagle, the source, coast mountain, sportchek, then i gave up and just bought postcards and wrapping paper from the dollar store. i don't want to be boring and buy a starbucks gift check. half the people are thinking of doing that already. wish i could be as lucky as zet, finding love at first sight while looking at one store window, but then it is easier to find things when your budget is a hundred bucks.

oh well, surely a giant light bulb would pop out of my brain at the last minute and i'll figure something out. in the meantime i'll concentrate on my chocklit monster project. hope i make it..

*crossing fingers*

went away tonight, to somewhere i've never been to, to a place where i can step out and breathe the cold air till it rips my lungs apart. looked up to a star filled sky and listened to the sound of water breaking the rocks. i almost felt alive again, almost. yet it was empty, the darkness was vast and i could drown in it if i wanted to, i could get lost like so many others are lost everyday. but what's the point really? when the line between sanity and madness is so thin that you can cross over with the snap of a finger if you wanted to, everything becomes so fleeting and volatile and scary. why do we hang on when it's so much easier to trip and go overboard and be crazy..

this is one of those days when i just want to hop into a car and drive as far as possible from the toxic waste that is also known as the people around me. i need to find meanings, i've lost the motivation to wake up. i'm afraid that if somebody touches me, i will dissolve into molecules.

there is hope.. after two days of snow and two days of rain, i saw a rainbow at work today - a promise that the sun will come out soon to erase all the greyness away.
.
.
.
here my keyboard finds me at a loss, unable to type another word that might bring some inspiring quotation to life - especially when inconsequential worries are bugging me and i'm watching paramedics trapped upside down and bleeding in grey's anatomy. haven't been following this series for a while, the episodes have lain unwatched on my iphone for eternity.

tonight, had to report my atm card as stolen but was put on hold for a good 30 minutes before i could speak to a live person "there is no available call center officer to take your call" is still ringing in my ears - must be a real busy day for them. as it is for me, as always. can't get funds from my bank now, still have to submit a notarized affidavit of loss to my branch that's a thousand miles away. well, it's a good time to start saving.

the battery i've been waiting for finally came, it's late and it doesn't fit. sometimes life hits you at the most unexpected moment in the most unexpected of ways. already spent around 15 bucks for the taxes now i have to ship it back to get a refund. hmmm things are getting more interesting everyday.

have to be in 2 support calls at 6am tomorrow morning, hope i'm sane enough at that unholy hour so i can effectively do my work. i also hope that my spell of unfortunate events would run out soon. my four leaf clover is on the verge of giving up.

**credits to ethos_tech who took this photo**

this is the view from our back porch, we're snowed in, can't go out. me and my cousins ordered mickey d's mcflurry and mcnuggets while shopping online and watching reruns of csi.

more reasons to be lazy on a weekend when all around you is white flurries. wish i brought my office laptop home last friday, that way i could work from home on monday.

tomorrow's forecast is torrential rain - mcslushies anyone?

today is the end of many things - the naboplomo challenge for one, that means i won't be obligated to post on this blog anymore, i will go back to the shadows and visit like a ghost once in a while - when i'm homeless and i can't grow roots. it's also our company's last day of operation, they closed shop and sold their stocks so we're now under a new entity. a good friend at work also had her last day today, she's leaving for home tomorrow. watching people leave makes me sad, i wish i could go home too. it's always easier to leave than to be left behind..

tomorrow weather forecast is 12 centimeters of snow, they're planning to go to grouse mountain for snowboarding, i'm still thinking if i should come.. don't want another cold weekend, i miss the beach.

when a door closes, it only means that something better is coming along soon, the purpose of it all may not be clear right now, but soon enough, when the dust settles, we'll realize that all will turn out for the best. good things happen to good people, somehow.

• gadget lust: saw something i want on my christmas stocking, hehe now if i could only get santa's direct line.
• tons of work today, what else is new? don't know how to make the gears turn, in an effort to forget one thing, i ended up forgetting everything else.
• saw the dc - ny pics, argghhh! finally realized how fat i've become, like 10 pounds heavier than the week before at lv. how can that be? must be the chilly weather making my cheek puff, haha! nah, i need a diet and exercise plan, i'll start tomorrow =p.
• tonight i'm helping my younger brother with his homework - psychology and brain lateralization. i miss university, everything was easier back then, should have failed a couple of classes so i'd still be in school today harhar.
• my mom is also on the chat window, recounting the latest military standoff in manila, another political turmoil brewing, and here i am, miles away, waiting for the world to change.
• company's last day of operation, just signed my quitclaim, now i'm broke coz they haven't released the final check yet. should have been a writer instead, if i was going to starve anyway, at least i'm doing what i'm passionate about =p.

the problem with working from home is there's no closing time, noone to remind you to go home - coz you're already home, noone to pass by your desk at lunch time to invite you to the cafeteria, and noone to drag you to the starbucks across the street for coffee break. so you go on and on until you realize everybody else is offline and you're the only one left finding your way through the mess of buggy third party deliveries. the good part about this though is that you get to stay warm all day, no trudging along slippery sidewalks, no covering yourself up from the freezing rain and snowfall.

every day, we flip a coin and choose a road, each choice we make carries both good and bad things. it's always a struggle to find the happy amidst the greyness of a holocaust aftermath, but hope floats despite the darkness, dusk reminds us of a sunset that ends all worries, and a dawn that brings with it a clean slate to help us write a new story..

we all do what we can, and it has to be good enough, and if it isn't good enough, then it has to do..

three weeks ago i ordered 2 spare laptop batteries at globalbatteries, yet up to know, it's still lost in transit. sales support emailed me and said they sent it through usps and it might take 8 weeks, depending on how slow regular snail mail is. too bad, i was expecting to get it sooner so i could use it on my c1x, guess i'll have to wait a bit more, didn't know it took this long to buy things online.

yesterday i got a notice from canada post - a parcel for pickup at their collingwood branch, what a hassle, why did they invent mail delivery if i have to get it personally from their office? i also have to pay $25 before i can claim it. =( another ups package also arrived and needs brokerage fee before they can release it - the cost of which is half the price of the package, arrgghhh!

one thing made my day though, got a gift which is probably from the vpal global kriss kringle, can't wait to open it ^_^ plus i received my wpe from cic. hmmm, one more year,

don't you sometimes wish you could disappear even if for just a day? throw away that mobile phone, not check emails, stay at home or go somewhere where noone knows you and noone's looking for you.. wish i could do that everyday. don't know if it's the gray or the cold or the snow that's been bringing me down, maybe it's all of them combined.

today i did just that - got swallowed into oblivion, stopped worrying, and just went away without warning, tomorrow i'll be back into the fast and blinding world once more, one deep breath at a time, hello neo. time to bring out my winter jacket and snow boots..

on other news, i found a good deal on an itrip at overstock and ordered one. too bad it doesnt ship to bc.

used to be called the empty state building during the great depression, they hired people to go up and down the elevators to switch the lights just so it would look like it's occupied - that's one trivia i learned from the tour guide, don't know if it's true. this historic place was under construction when went in to take a few snapshots of the city from above. it was also unlike the john hancock, or cn tower, or even the space needle where the elevator person at least says something about the place - here we were just whisked into an elevator and went from one metal detector to the next. from the 80th floor, we went up to the observatory by stairs, just for the heck of it, twas 6 flights up and no turning back.


last night we witnessed how big a deal christmas is in nyc, carollers everywhere, buildings all lit up, shop windows filled with holiday decoration - the cynic would say it's commercialism, but i think it makes the city more alive and vibrant, helps to distract yourself from the monotony of daily existence. i love to be in this place, bc looks so dull and gray now in comparison.


walked towards ground zero and saw the vast emptiness that used to be something. they're rebuilding it into a central transportation hub. amazing grace played in the background as i read their sign - think back, move forward, afterwhich we proceeded to st. patrick's cathedral.

as we packed our bags and head to jfk to catch our plane, i already have a list of what to do on my next visit: - meet up with friends, helicopter tour, walk along central park.

got on the hop on hop off tour of nyc, much like the chicago tour i took. walked along 5th avenue to times square, shopped till i burned a hole in my pocket. the day was too cold for sight seeing, and the tickets got sold out at the battery park. tomorrow we'll visit the empire state and lady liberty, and of course, do more shopping. i'll be back in the summer and check out central park and see niagara falls from this side of the world.

i have a penchant for bridges, took some nice still shots of the brooklyn bridge from the south seaport, can't wait to see the golden gate and add it to my photo collection. my fave is mandaue - mactan for sentimental reasons, and akashi kaikyo, the longest suspension bridge, located in kobe.

toured washington dc - smithsonian institute, museum of air and space, potomac river, lincoln memorial, capitol, reagan airport, and the white house. had lunch at chinatown and caught the amtrak train to newark. checked in at the hilton and called it a day, tomorrow - new york city.

"i wanna be a part of it.."

after stuffing myself with turkey and pumpkin pie, i opened the newly delivered iphones from the online apple store - lo and behold, it's an otb 1.1.2! yey! now i'll have a chance to play with this new firmware. after countless servings of mini muffins, i finally saw the light.

here's a guide on how to unlock an otb 1.1.2

what you need:
1. otb 1.1.2 iphone, week 46 and up for us.
2. iphone 1.1.1 restore file (the old one, the one from apple site has tiff patch so you wont be able to use the old method to jailbreak and activate)
3. iphone 1.1.2 restore file (just download from itunes)
4. ibrickr 0.9.1
5. jailbreak 1.1.2
6. patched lockdownd file
7. winscp or any ftp client of choice

steps: (this is not detailed and idiot proof)
1. restore to 1.1.1 using itunes
2. get out of dfu mode through ibrickr
3. jailbreak and activate, follow up to step 7
4. from installer.app, install oktoprep.
5. update to 1.1.2 through itunes
6. jailbreak and activate using jailbreak 1.1.2
7. from installer.app, install openssh
8. connect to your iphone using winscp and backup /usr/libexec/lockdownd to your pc
7. upload the patched lockdownd to the same location.
8. insert sim of choice, reboot.
9. done!

credits to shabba, dilinator, callx, natetrue, conceited software, dev team, elite team, hackint0sh and modmyifone community.

arrived at bwi at around 9am, good thing the connecting flight waited for the rest of us who got stranded. the passengers were giving us mean looks when we finally boarded, especially since the flight crew announced that "finally the passengers we are waiting for has arrived" hehe, makes me wonder what happened to the ground personnel that comitted the mistake.

mavic's relatives were waiting for us at the terminal, we drove straight to their place and had brunch. slept for most part of the day, recharging my batteries, we're scheduled to do shopping tomorrow at dawn - my first black friday shopping. hmmm what to buy?

seatac: flight to detroit got moved out. we were at the middle of the runway when they asked the pilot to go back to the gates. apparently the ground crew loaded the wrong luggage to the cargo bay; we had to go back so they could sort it out. it took a good one hour until everything was fine. we also had to do another refueling since we lost gas while waiting for take off at the runway.

this is the first time my flight retreated from take off; how very opportune when the connecting flight - detroit to baltimore - is just an hour and a half away. it's God's way of saying: sit back, relax, not everything is in your control. sometimes you just have to let go and let God, everyhing will be alright.

been living from my suitcase for the last 11 months, shuffling my clothes in between spaces which i never would have any chance of visiting had i been safely tucked back home. tonight is another one of those nights when i have to choose what to bring and what to leave behind. i should have a checklist by now, lessons from previous travels that might help me this time. but each destination is new and strange and beautiful in its own way, and no matter how much you prepare for it, you always end up forgetting something or wishing you didn't carry so much. so the best way to deal with this really is not to take it too seriously, we all make mistakes, as long as you're alive, it's never too late to make things right.

as i empty my luggage of things from my last trip and fill it with more stuff for the nth time, i'm wishing the turbulence won't be as bad, the waiting not too long, the questions not so hard, and the answers easier to find.

wish me luck.

blue october's single has infected my system. it's on eternal repeat on my ipod. that's usually what happens when i find a song i really like, i play it over and over again until i don't want to hear it anymore. i use up its replay value and shelf it away for good.

this looks like how i treat mostly everything else i have, at the beginning i get obsessive and tinker with each nut and bolt until i've discovered all flaws and marveled at the ingenuity of its details; then after a while, i lose interest, i put it back in its box, give it away or sell it off. it's a vicious cycle, i can't grow roots, get attached, spin in place. i blame the rest of my generation for my restless soul. but mostly i think it's a defense mechanism, i'd rather leave than be left behind. it's better to be the first to stand up and go than wait till the dust settles and find yourself alone.

this song is really getting to me, i feel like drowning.

now floating up and down
i spin, colliding into sound
like whales beneath me diving down
i'm sinking to the bottom of my
everything that freaks me out
the lighthouse beam has just run out
i'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

i want to swim away but don't know how
sometimes it feels just like i'm falling in the ocean
let the waves up take me down
let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
let the rain of what i feel right now...come down
let the rain come down

sunday is for shopping. we went to the fashion show mall and visited our favorite tech destination - apple store. of course, can't go there without buying gadgets or acessories, it's a miracle though that i didn't end up buying anything. still sticking to my last tech item purchase of the year. vin brought a macbook, i'm dying of envy.

went to ceasar's palace and had another photo op beside the replicas of european statues. had lunch at cheesecake factory - their beef ribs serving is huge, and godiva cheesecake is to die for. strolled by the forum shops where ferragamo is just beside coach and fendi - a shopaholic's heaven, mavic momentarily forgot her woes when she saw the designer labels lined up before her =)

by 3pm, we were on the way back to the airport, another weekend over and done with. time flies so fast, 2 days is not enough for this place. on the plane, we entertained ourselves by playing pai gao, still can't get enough of that game, it's so addictive.

i wish my wish on the falling star would come true, but then i saw how hopeless it all seems now, so i just closed my eyes and blinked back a teardrop. i know i could have asked, but i can't handle the truth, so the moment just passed in silence. don't know which is worse - leaving 24C of soulless nevada sun or coming home to 5C of heartless vancouver clouds - maybe both, compounded with the feeling of being left behind. wish i could go home soon. i need a hug.

started the day early to visit hoover dam and the grand canyon. passed by the big clocks that showed nevada and arizona time, also saw lake mead and the site of that last transformers movie. a new bridge is being constructed in that part of town, from the looks of it, its not for the people with fear of heights. we had a brief stopover at route 66 and had lunch at popeyes.

on the way back from arizona, a magnificent sunset followed our trail until dusk settled and found me - a lonesome wanderer on the deserts of mojave. saw a falling star, wished with all my might...

by night time, part of the rat pack caught phantom of the opera at the venetian while the rest burned a hole in their pocket playing slots and pai gao poker at the mgm grand.

las vegas is a sight to behold at night, the lights left us awe stricken and mesmerized. it's a city where good looking people are a dozen a dime, and shows are on left and right. liquor is obscenely cheap and even 7-11 has slot machines installed. vin almost opted to stay behind ^_^.

yvr; waiting for the plane to board. got picked for secondary security check for the nth time. it must be my name. do i look like a terrorist? escaped rainy vancouver in search of the sun in nevada. hope i won't be disappointed.

the usual suspects on this trip, plus one new recruit. can't hardly wait.

just finished filling my light suitcase with clothes that i'll be bringing to fabulous las vegas. weather forecast is sunny all weekend, a positive sign for the grand canyon tour. good thing the stagehand strike in NY didn't reach LV or else the phantom tickets would go to waste.

passport, check. shades, check. vaio, check. moleskine, check. that's it, i'm ready to go. it's always easier to travel light. gives me more space for souvenirs on the way home =)

today my bond ends and i am free. that calls for a celebration, i will talk only of good things like getting that coveted qa sign off on a defect fix that has been on hold for the past four months, or the coming LV trip this weekend, i will skip the ugly parts and fast forward to the good times.

life is full of surprises, and "great opportunites brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems". it's lame to focus too much on the downside of things, "we are never given a problem without also being given the power to solve it". so for tonight, i will get drunk on motivational quotes and sleep tight without worries.

"nothing is ever lost, nothing that can't be found."

where: Silver City, Metropolis
when: Tuesday, 13 November 2007. 7:00 p.m.

is a propaganda movie against war and craftily intended for american audiences. watched this movie today and i got lost in all the political jargon. i guess this is a timely movie for remembrance day, watching idealistic young people march blindly as soldiers fighting for their country. but fighting for what? the reasons get lost in translation.

yesterday was remembrance day here. there were lots of activites lined up to commemorate the sacrifices of all those who went to war. i missed everything because i was out town. a friend told me a story about a poem that became popular after the first world war, this is usually recited during remembrance day / veterans day / poppy day / armstice day. whichever country you're in. poppies are those red flowers that grew in the graves of the casualties of war, this has become the symbol for this memorial.

i never really understood why people go to war in the first place..

in flanders fields the poppies blow
between the crosses, row on row,
that mark our place; and in the sky
the larks, still bravely singing, fly
scarce heard amid the guns below.

we are the Dead. Short days ago
we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
loved, and were loved, and now we lie
in flanders fields.

take up our quarrel with the foe:
to you from failing hands we throw
the torch; be yours to hold it high.
if ye break faith with us who die
we shall not sleep, though poppies grow
in Flanders fields.

— John McCrae

was planning to catch up on my sleep today but went to seattle instead at the spur of the moment just to hitch a ride with friends who wanted to shop for gifts. we found a great sushi place just beside alderwood mall right after we had lunch at the food court, how ironic. hope i can go there next time, it has kaiten sushi - sushi that goes around a conveyor belt and you just pick whatever you like as they move towards you. i tried it back in fukuoka and each plate was about Y100 then, i also saw something like that in greenhills, forgot the name of the place, it had a giant octopus as a mascot. oh well, it's just the novelty of the kaiten that attracted me, but for nihon ryori cravings, there's always kingsway sushi across work and fish on rice a few blocks away to satisfy my palate.

activated two iphones bought by a friend while strolling along the outlet malls, failed to buy anything, not even a shirt, for myself. maybe that's why i felt a bit dejected when we were on the way home.

we almost called it a day after all the shopping they did, but the casino beside the premium outlets looked too inviting to pass up. we went in and tried our luck. i took out the last bills on my wallet which was $7 and played the slots. won a whopping $23, high stakes! haha. at least i got something out of this trip ^_^

slept at 5am this morning trying to make the motion eye work, finally saw it in action but only in the default configuration of win98. i'm almost about to give up finding drivers on 2k and xp, especially since i have no time for this hobby anymore, work is piling up even on my weekends. qa is emailing me about some ip testing and more trips coming up on the next two weekends of november.

big brown box got picked up at around 10am, so i had 5 hours of sleep at least. i started the day by preparing breakfast and lunch which i didn't really have much enthusiasm to eat because i was too engrossed with configurations and being online tech support to a friend who wanted to backup and update her ipod. by past noon i got an invitation to attend a birthday party but i got stood up by the person who was supposed to go with me, she had a good excuse though - a splitting headache. anyways, decided not to go too. was too lazy to go out on a cold day and walk by myself to some place i forgot how to reach.

discussed other career options with my aunt and uncle and had a talk with my mom. should probably find time to update my resume, it's gathering dust somewhere.

the box i'll be sending home is sealed at last. had a hard time with the packing tape since i'm temporarily disabled, but with my expertise, it's now mummified, i hope it holds though.. manila cargo is picking it up tomorrow. the cost of shipping it is actually more than the total insured cost of what's inside which is $100 - what a rip off! that's highway robbery. now i'm having seconds thoughts on sending it..

managed to dual boot my c1x, it's now running on win2k and xp, not surprisingly, the older win version runs faster, now if i can only find the drivers to make the motion eye work.. why can't they make powerful laptops this small? i hope apple offers one soon, i'll be first in line to get it.

i don't know if its the fever meds i took or the chicken i ate earlier today but my fingers are swollen, like twice the normal size! tsk tsk i'm turning into a mutant, where's my claritin!?

woke up today with a sickness at the back of my head so i laid in bed to keep the room from turning. called work to say i'd be missing work and work called about the orders building up in the error queue again, gave the go ahead to redeploy the application, took some meds and drowned in dreamless sleep.

when i looked out the window, i saw tiny rain drops from the endless grey clouds above and a car covered with orange leaves that has managed to invade the rest of our front lawn - the nuances of fall, that reminded me of the wilted white tulips on the table, remnants of a day that paled in comparison to all the other years. i took two pages from yesterday's newspaper and wrapped them carefully, paying a quick homage to still life and all things ephemeral.

took another dose of pain killers wanting to numb every nerve ending, needing to be as empty as my heart right now. after a while, feeling light headed, i opened itunes and played crosby, stills, nash and young's "our house".

sum 41 is reminiscent of green day and simple plan and all those angsty bands that sound like teenagers rebelling against their parents. once in a while though, you'll find a song you can totally relate to even if the last time you were a teen was 8 years ago or you can't remember when you ever felt angsty at all. it would be no surprise if you find their songs serenading teen series like smallville, the oc, one tree hill or gossip girl - that's where i first heard my new favorite song - "with me". yep i have a lot of favorite songs, it's an entire playlist on it's own on my ipod.

last night i loaded the whole album and listened to it on endless repeat while i was reinstalling my c1x (can't get used to the 1028x480 resolution). i found a hidden track that started after two minutes of silence - it was slow, almost a pause or a whisper compared to all the rage of the other tracks, it gives you time to catch your breath and stop being angry for a while.

look at me
who am i supposed to be and what do i believe
can you tell me, since you’ve made up your mind
and knows what you believe
and i just don’t know
i just don’t know
who i’m supposed to be

look at me
am i the image of your hopes and tragedies
just look at me
will i ever be more than just a memory?
because you just don’t know
but you just don’t know
all i am is me

"- look at me (underclass hero) -

everybody is replaceable, once again that message was sent loud and clear in our company orientation this morning. it's either you sign up or you go home. plain black and white, no greys in between. well if i were back in my hometown, i could easily say no and go find something else which appreciates me more. better yet, i would take a month's vacation and just tour the islands. it doesn't take much to enjoy life in our country. but i'm here, i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, and if i say no, it would be like pulling the rug from under my feet. i've made no plans, no other choices lined up for the picking. should have anticipated this earlier but deliverables and commitments got in the way and shopping for a new job took a backseat. now it's like being pushed to the corner. what kind of new company would woo their potential employees with blackmail brilliantly disguise as a contract. who in their right mind would sign something that offers less than what you currently have? it's not like everyone's a dime a dozen. i think i deserve a little more respect.

tip, go shove your papers up your spine. i won't bite the bullet. i prefer to be part of an organization that makes me feel needed and appreciated. i won't settle for anything less

just got myself a new old toy - the vaio c1x, yeah it was state of the art 10 years ago, but who cares, i just want something to play with and to take along with me on my travels. in the meantime, i need to buy a new battery for it to be more useful.

this should be my last tech buy of the year, although i did want to try the asus eee pc too. aarrgghhh! i really need theraphy. why do i need to be surrounded by things that light up and beep? it's not like they'll talk to me and keep me warm this coming winter.

tomorrow, i promise, i won't look at another gadget again and i'll be contented with what i already have. oh well, i can always say this is my post birthday gift since i didnt receive any from anyone else hehe. gotta turn the saving mode on..

sunday is rest day, so says the bible at least. but not for people with scheduled production releases, that's what it failed to write in the disclaimer. i got called by work at past 6 this morning, that would be like 7am since we just adjusted the clock an hour early in time for fall back. apparently, messages are getting stuck somewhere up there where dreams get disrupted. i don't know where they go really, it's part of the myteries of life. we ended up resending the orders in manually since the automatic way turned out to be not that automatic after all.

our poor architect probably slept through most of the day and missed his daughter's 2nd birthday party. he should have been a doctor instead if he had to work crazy hours like this - he's been up since saturday night. maybe it would have been easier to save lives than to save the world from bugs =p

jo texted me at 11 in the morning asking if i wanted to join him and pam for hot pot at crystal mall. i slept at around 3am so i wasn't really in the mood to get out of bed, more so when the weather is just pouring and it's so cold to go outside. but then i didn't want to miss the opportunity of trying out something new so i relucantly pulled my pillows away from me and took a quick shower.

we got lost looking for the restaurant, found it conveniently located near the bubble tea house. the food was ok, though everything tasted the same. it was the perfect meal for the cold weather. got home at around 4 - talk about a long lunch.

last night my colleagues and i also passed by this mall on the way to dinner at boston pizza, we found bargain iphone and nano video cases, i got a black nano jacket and screen protector for C$8.50, great deal compared to the almost 40 bucks offered at the gadget store in metrotown. at last, my red thing won't get cold this winter hehe

everything you've always wanted your first life to be - nice tagline. i just had to download the game especially after i watched it on csi ny. it's like the sims meet ragnarok or something. anyways, i hope i'll have time to play it on weekends.

found time to assemble the box that pheng bought for me to send back home, though i'm still not sure what to put on it yet. filled up my luggage with clothes which i think i won't be using anymore and placed the shoes back in their boxes. it feels like i'm moving out though i really don't know where i'm headed next. should i sign that piece of crap they call a contract and stay here? or do i go back and find some other place to call my home? hmmm, i still have time to decide on that. i hope i make the right choice.

heard of this naboplomo challenge from zet and i knew i had to jump in and swim in it, just to deviate from all the validation errors and plist.xml files that have been haunting me for the past few weeks.

yesterday was jake's birthday, we had group dinner at tgif and spent the rest of the night looking for cases for my red thing. future shop didnt have anything affordable in stock so i just went home with a 97 cent case for my older nano instead.

last night was also my first halloween night in this city. i had fun looking at all the kids in their costumes running around our street carrying goodie bags. we had a basketful of miniature chocolates at home ready to be given out to anyone who would go knocking on our door. they were so cute with their awe stricken faces when my cousin would open the door and interrogate them. ^_^ hehe must have been a traumatic experience.

tonight we had to walk for our free dinner. i was about to faint three fourths up the hill but then i heard cars and i knew paved road is just around the corner. it was an adventure to follow trails where no high heels have ever stepped on, and the magnificent view at the end is more than enough to compensate for the blisters on my feet.

this morning was a day of transitions and trepidations, closing down and moving on to something new, it was filled with mixed emotions. going home, i stopped by pheng's place to get the box where i'll be putting the rest of my stuff in. i'll be shipping them home so i would be travelling light when i return. i'm still deciding if i want to come back, is it worth it? i don't really know.

a package greeted me when i slumped on the sofa, utterly full and exhausted at the same time. it's bright red and shiny, a gift from a friend. now i can sleep and cast my worries aside, i have a new toy to keep me occupied =)

okay now an easier way to jaibreak / activate / unlock otb 1.1.1 iphones. yeah it's not good that there's a big security hole in mobilesafari. so this should be fixed soon by apple. enjoy it while it lasts and be careful where you browse.

credits are due to all hackers who worked on this including but not limited to the following: hdm/metasploit, rezn, dinopio, drudge, kroo, pumpkin, davidc, dunham, and NerveGas

here's the short guide:
requirements:
1. otb 1.1.1
2. strong wifi connection

steps:
1. Dial *#307# and press call
2. Erase the numbers previously typed then Dial '0' and press call
3. iPhone will ring, pick up and put on hold.
4. iPhone will ring again, decline the call.
5. Go to contacts, create a new contact and add the following url:
5.1 prefs://1F
5.2 http://jailbreakme.com
6. Selecting the first url will allow you to go to Preference screen to select a wifi network to connect to. Select General > Autolock > Never while on the Settings page.
7. Selecting the second url will bring you to the jailbreak page in mobilesafari, install appsnap and wait till it restarts the iphone.
8. upgrade installer.app, install community sources, add http://rep.frenchiphone.com
9. refresh sources, install bsd subsystem and anysim 1.1
10. remove at&t simcard, insert sim of choice.
11. run anysim 1.1
12. done!

look! no computer and no cables ^_^

last saturday i turned another year older. i shared cake billing with my manager and my uncle and my three colleagues who were also celebrating their birthdays in october. some people seem to think that as you grow older, you think less about gifts and focus more on the intangible melodramatic introspection crap. on the contrary, i love receiving gifts. so if you still havent bought me any, you should start shopping now, bwahahaha *_* my wishlist includes an ultraportable and a trip to europe, i also accept cash in any currency hehehe

okay, what sane person would stay up til 3am fuzzing over basebands and nordumps? those who iunlocked the iphone v1.0.2 like me. well since i was feeling bored and brave, i decided to go ahead and upgrade to 1.1.1. but of course not before reflashing the baseband to original out-of-the-box state. well here are the steps, in case others want to take the plunge too, caution this is concise and not idiot proof:

prerequisite:
1. iunlocked / anysim unlocked iphone 1.0.2 with your choice of sim

steps:
1. preparing the iphone tools
1.1 restore to 1.0.2 through itunes
1.2 jailbreak through winstaller
1.3 activate through pacay by brasuco
1.4 install mobile terminal vsvn198 and binkit through ibrickr
1.5 set iphone to setting > general > autulock > never

2. start baseband reflash to factory settings
2.1 upload kengz pack to iphone using ibrickr (path: /usr/bbreflash)
2.2 open mobile terminal and execute the following commands:
cd /usr/bbreflash
chmod 755 *
launchctl unload -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/com.apple.CommCenter.plist
./norz seczone.backup 0x3FA000 0x2000
./iUnlock ICE03.14.08_G.fls eliteloader.bin
./bbupdater -v
./bbupdater -f ICE03.14.08_G.fls -e ICE03.14.08_G.eep
./bbupdater -v
launchctl load -w /System/Library/LaunchDaemons/com.apple.CommCenter.plist

2.3 exit to springboard and check that it displays no service.
2.4 save seczone.backup in a secure place, you might need it someday

3. upgrading
3.1 update to 1.1.1 through itunes
3.2 jailbreak and activate through carnaval by brasuco

4. unlocking
4.1 go to installer.app and add this source url: http://rep.frenchiphone.com
4.2 install bsd subsystem and anysim 1.1p
4.3 run anysim 1.1

DONE!

credits to dev team, elite team, brasuco, kengz, ppc_hhvn, karljung and the hackint0sh community.

note: this method does not use winscp, ssh, bsd and the rest of the acronyms.

last october 5 to 8 was thanksgiving weekend in canada, families are supposed to stay home and have dinner together. my cousins planned to bring their beaus to re introduce to their parents and make an elaborate celebration out of it so of course i had to book the first flight out, that's my escape mechanism - going on a trip.

everything is big in texas, so they say.

jake, mavic, chard and i left work early last friday to board the shuttle to seatac and proceed on our plane to dallas fort worth. unfortunately, we got stuck in traffic and missed our flight by 5 minutes so we spent the night sleepless in seattle, but at marriott no less, and caught the first flight out which was at 8am.

dallas is a sweltering 32 degrees, i actually got two shades darker after the trip. we arrived at 2pm and drove down to san antonio to raid the outlet malls and sample the tex-mex barbecue dinner at the river walk. our hotel room had a magnificent view of the city from the 33rd floor. the next day, we walked along the alamo and took some touristy pics before we ran off to catch the tram tours at the nasa space center in houston. i wanted to buy the shirt that said "failure is not an option" but then i was distracted by all the other items that i ended up buying nothing at all. we slept sunday night off at jake's sis' place in allen, and monday morning was spent looking for cash machines to spew out more $$$ to be burned in nike and tommy. dusk found us eating pizza at the greyhound station in downtown seattle, waiting for our ride back home. this has got to be one of the seediest places i've seen in this part of town. at the back of my mind i was hearing simon and garfunkel's "america".

finally, my blankets and the leftover thanksgiving turkey welcomed me home on tuesday 3am. despite being sleep deprived and broke, this trip is not to be missed. ^_^

"we all need to be a little crazy to be sane."

while helping my cousin do her apa formatted paper, we caught this rerun on ctv. i remember this movie was my favorite back in college. the characters are very much like the people i met and hanged out with back then. yeah we were all crazy and inebriated. angsty and immature. thinking we could change the world but the world changed us. softened our souls, hardened our hearts.

ambivalent. that's how i feel right now. torn by two strong forces into opposite directions. which path to choose? which fork to take? hmm, tough times ahead. especially when my bank accounts are not cooperating.

i wish time would give me a day to go back to that one moment. i miss the feeling of being carefree and irresponsible. just throwing caution to the wind and going to where the wind blows. there's too much at stake now, i can't slack off. the world is waiting.

finally i've decided to stop rattling the skeletons in my closet and just let them go. i don't have the time nor the energy to pull floating bodies from the mud that they chose to immerse themselves in. i can only repeat myself as much as the next person, i don't have unlimited patience, optimism is not my middle name, i am fallible. and yet, despite these faults, i know when its time to move on.

i'm just tired of making people see beyond their own little bubble. i get too involved in their problems that i forget i have issues of my own to take care of.

so today, i decided it's time i start rearranging the way i live my life and cross out the things that ceased to become possibilities for me and just focus on the ones that are more likely to be reality.

1. i won't be an astronaut, okay i've had this dream since i was 4 when i first watched the lunar landing on our monochrome tv, but now that i'm finally going to visit NASA this weekend, i realized i'll never be one of them. i don't know the difference between polymer synthesis and olefin metathesis reaction; neither do i care. anyway, i can still go on a space shuttle as a tourist like that guy who made ubuntu. hooray computer geeks!

2. our project is not gonna make it for october release, no matter how long i stay at work trying to fix all the environment issues and trace where the messages are getting lost. that's actually good, i can sleep for more than 4 hours now. its going in on the first week of november anyway, so it won't jeopardize my travel plans.

3. some people are never gonna love me the way i want them to. might as well let them be. there might be someone better out there for me, someone to say hi to late at night, someone to watch over me, or if not, life goes on. not my loss.

last weekend we had a major production release at work, but since my project wasnt due til october, i escaped and jumped on the first plane out of town. destination: chicago.

on the way to o'hare, i had a brief stopover at mccarran, i was surprised to see slot machines scattered around the waiting lounges, i must admit, it distracted me from finding the next boarding gate hehe. another surprising thing i discovered is that our mike phones still work outside the country; that means i'm still reachable by the office.

first thing i did when i arrived at my friend's place was to unlock my new iphone which was delivered earlier that week. of course after making it work, i was all set to explore all the places i saw on the movies ^_^.

i feasted my eyes on the breath taking architectural highlights of the city, went on a speed boat ride along lake michigan, and a shopping spree at the magnificent mile; met up with old friends and had a great time sampling the godiva cheesecake; climbed the tall towers and tried my hand on window washing at hancock. rode the double decker bus and got lost at union station; watched the giant pixelated faces spurt water at millenium park and saw the skyline reflecting on the bean; craned my neck watching the bears game from afar and the cranberries in the celtic festival at grant park; my favorite building has got to be the chicago tribune, i love its spires and i went around it looking for the pieces of rocks from different parts of the world. i found the one from fort santiago. =) my trip was too short, i need to return so i could see shedd and adler and wicker, and of course, try the nightlife.. hmm, when's the next release?

going back, i had a connecting flight in seattle and went aboard the smallest aircraft i ever hopped on. it consisted of two cramped seats on each side, and around 30 rows i guess, with propellers on its wings. good thing i'm still in one piece.

next stop: dallas.

two weeks ago i was chatting with someone who used to be my friend and he said that he wanted to be happy, and that for him meant he had to find the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. i am insensitively bitter or immune to those things so i told him that happiness is overrated, we all do what we can and it has to be good enough, if it isn’t good enough then it has to do. i mean really, what percentage of the world’s population is actually "happy". it’s so subjective and fleeting, i can go hug my iPhone and say "wee, i’m happy" and then suddenly weep coz i don’t have it with me right now, or i could eat my favorite ice cream and sigh "happiness in a cup, at last" then whine about all the calories i would have to burn afterwards. it’s absurd to be dependent on others for your own peace of mind. i remember some years ago when i asked that same question to a friend "are you happy?", and i got this reply: "just contented". maybe that’s the key - to be contented with what we have but then again i don’t think man was ever created to be content, otherwise we would have not invented the wheel or the microwave. there’s always room to innovate even if everything is working just fine. we are always in search of something better, something more meaningful, a purpose, a reason..

so today i sent this message to yet another friend "life is sad", only because i’m like a sponge that absorbs all the negative energy around me, and when my cup overflows, i would need someone to remind me of my own words in the first place. he retorted that just days ago i was doing great and loving life then he asked what was bothering me. i couldn’t really say anything. for me, everything is a choice. i could choose to lament all the woes of my life and enumerate every reason i should be grieving but then where would that lead me? pumped up with tequila or contemplating to jump off the roof which is plain silly - i’m done with being angsty, it used to be fahionable in college, to wear your heart out on a sleeve and be an idealist who marches on the streets wanting the world to listen. the world is deaf, its a body of mass revolving around the sun. it is numb and neither will it stop turning when you fall down and hurt yourself. you will have to be strong enough to dust yourself, step back into it and get lost in its blinding speed.

life is too short to waste on melodrama, there’s the tv for that, for everything else there’s mastercard haha

went to alberta for the labor day weekend, it was a gruelling 12 hour ride! visited the rockies, the town of banff, had a glimpse of the breathtaking lakes - louise, peyto, and maligne. rode the ice explorer and trekked on the icefields, had a tour of calgary, spent the night at jasper, rediscovered the dinosaur ruins at drumheller, and finally on the way back to bc, we visited the okanagan region and sampled the wineries of kelowna. we skipped
the stops were pure nature overload. can't help but be awed by the vastness of canada's land area. it's a good thing the weather cooperated to make the long weekend more enjoyable. the 3 days, 4 nights trip was well worth it despite being sleep deprived and broke afterwards. ^_^

next stop: vancouver island

this morning, a bunch of moon beings gathered to witness the total solar eclipse. like last time, they prepared anti uv coated scopes as they waited for the shadow of the earth to obliterate the sun from their view. this eclipse is said to be the longest one ever, lasting for more than 1 and a half decan star.

revelries were at hand as a lot of myths and traditions are recollected. it was said that during this time, the moon looks blood red from the earth, and humans in different parts of the planet do weird things. it is believed that the moon has a great effect on this planet and its people, however moon beings neither notice nor care about it.

the next tse is predicted to happen 177 solar days from now.

in 10 days, i visited 6 cities - seattle, hong kong, manila, cebu, bohol and seoul. now i'm back in vancouver and my week long vacation feels so many miles away. i slept for an entire day and tomorrow i'll be back to work, as if nothing happened, the only souvenir i got are sunburn marks and eyebags.

sometimes i wish i could take people back with me but then that would defeat the purpose of travelling, for the only reason i leave a place is to come home to it again =) i miss my mom, my dad, my brothers, my friends, my dogs, but most of all, i miss being missed, and hugged and loved by the people who matter to me, i miss my favorite pup running out to greet me, i miss my mom's cooking, i miss the sun and the beach, i miss everything that can only be captured by still photographs.

if only time and distance can be folded, then everything won't be too far from my reach. for now, i have to tuck my heart and fake a smile, life is a journey, we can only stop for a while to catch our breath, and then we're off again.

okay, so what's the hype with this notebook? they said this was the legendary oil skinned acid free stitched paper that hemmingway and picasso used, so what? will this make me a better writer or painter?

i don't know, but i got one anyway, don't take chances, right? haha ^_^ nah curiosity just got the better of me and i just had to have one, now all i need is my trusty staedtler hb and i'm all set to write the greatest event of my life.

whatever. moving on..

as usual, just like every time i get a new toy, i become this sleep deprived gadget obsessed tech junkie who can't really call it a day till i take apart everything and put them back together in the same order. i guess i just like testing the capabilities and limits of the current apple of my eye. anyway, it's about as functional as can be, i like the fact that there's free wifi everywhere, and i can just take snap shots of moments that captures my interest and upload them in real time.

so here's my new photo blog.

'nuff said

there's a saying here in vancouver that when you can see the horizon from where you are, then it's about to rain, but if you can't see it, then it's already raining.. it seems like summer lasted for only a week, my mornings are now greeted with dewdrops, showers and mists. i do love the balmy weather, when the sky is undecided if it wants to shed tears or remain brooding; almost like the way i feel right now, floating in uncertainty, swimming in limbo.

i guess this is what happens when somebody asks me what my plans are for next year or next month, or even a week from now. i mean i don't even know what i'll have for dinner, or if i would actually eat dinner tonight, that's as much foresight that i can muster. dumb i know, but yeah maybe i do have to update my resume just so i have a backup plan if i get kicked out of my job. but lo and behold, i dont have a copy of my cv on my laptop. i cant believe it, what will happen to my chances of being a world renowned window cleaner if i'm this complacent. oh well, there are other professions, i just might give domestic partnership a chance.

haha, who am i kidding?! rainy days make me crazy. now let's see if the sun will show tomorrow..

Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin’ wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries

Been a long time since i last sat here to just write and think about you, i never really go to coffee shops to drink coffee, unless it’s Tim Horton’s iced cap, which by the way I’m trying to cut down on. so why am i here anyway? it’s not like you’ll magically appear out of nowhere and we would be talking about mundane stuff as if no time or distance has passed between us, while we try and fail miserably to extend the tolerance we have for each other.

How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

You’re this habit I need to break but I don’t really have the will to, being with you is almost like the age old tradition of sun worship which everybody else forgot the origins of and the reasons for, yet a few old souls like me still follow faithfully down to the last letter. Maybe i just don’t care if it actually means anything anymore; it’s an unexplained compulsion, an addiction, a fatal obsession that has taken away all the light in my world.

If you don’t know if you should stay
If you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s nowhere else tonight we should be

if I could string enough words tonight to conjure you here beside me, then i will not put this pen down till my hand grows blisters and all the paper in the world are filled with stories of your closed eyes, and the laughter from the skies that I hear whenever I see a falling star. It’s those childish fantasies we made that still visit my dreams every night back when I used to sleep. it drove me crazy. Now, I don’t surrender to the night anymore, i stay up and drown those voices in music and letters that knows no end. i fight the darkness until I’m numb and I’m sure that i can finally retire peacefully into a slumber of dreamless sleep.

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don’t wanna ask

Sitting here is like sitting on a church pew on a week day when there’s no mass and all I do is watch the sunlight play shadows on the altar while pigeons find corners to hide in. thinking of you is my way of going home to a sacred place, somewhere safe and untouched, a simple truth reminding me that all is right with the world and i can safely tuck my worries under the bed without fear of it ever coming back to bite me.

If you go now, I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I’ve got a plan
We’re gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines

I know you will probably just tell me again that you read too much of my words but understand so little of what I really mean. Well I guess all I wanted to say was..

I miss you.

music: Bon Jovi, "You Want to Make a Memory"

wrapping up my last few hours here in the province of snow storms and heat strokes, i feel both relieved and at a loss. though i’ve learned a lot, there’s still a bunch of unanswered questions and blind curves. it would be nice to stay and be sheltered by these hallowed glass covered walls, but we can never really grow our own roots unless we fall off the vine and find a ground to sink into and bloom; so i guess there’s really not much choice here but to let go. slowly, painfully, we must cut the tethered ropes that bind us to the ground and let those cocoon shells crumble to make way for wings. somehow we’ll find our way through the dark maze of tangled vines and finally fly.

after filling my luggage with stuff that needs to be shipped back, i discovered that there was this one thing that i can never fit into a bag, seal tight and label off as mine. i was reluctant to leave it behind knowing how difficult it is to find something worth keeping only to realize later that there’s just no space for that in your life at the moment. i wish someday i’ll find something that would come close, and hopefully i’ll have enough room for it by then.

the sky is huge here, i noticed that last night while on a cab back to the place i temporarily call home. with the sound of unintelligible radio commentary in some foreign language on the background, and beside the people i have lived with for a hundred days or so, i know for a fact that the road is long and winding and filled with unexpected twists and turns, yet still the future is friendly for those who choose to travel on..

"Why do I feel that goodbye
is the only constant thing between us?
Sometimes I think the only reason
you came into my life was to go away"

often you have to give up something or someone to make space for new additions in your life. it's not an easy task but it has to be done, and like all chores that we find alibis for in order to delay their completion, time has its way of catching up on us and collecting our debts.

tonight time stopped and knocked on my door. it was futile to resist and deny what i owe, so i decided to let go and let the waves crush me to the rocks. it hurt a lot, but i knew in my heart that it was necessary to shed your old skin to grow wings and learn to fly..

someday i will look back at this and laugh my tears away.

halfway done stuffing my clothes back into the suitcase that i brought here 16 weeks ago. somehow, it can’t fit anymore, what with all the useless purchases i’ve accumulated over the past month. packing my things makes me nostalgic. it’s like turning a new page and closing another chapter in my journey. it’s always sad leaving things behind without the certainty of ever running into them again someday nor a flicker of hope that their future would somehow include you in it. this has got to be in my top three down moments, almost as depressing as new years and birthdays.

tonight i tried my best to put everything in but there’s just no more room, it’s either i get a new bag or leave them behind and give them away to someone else who might find them useful and would take care of them the way i would. any which way, the road is long and i’m not even halfway done, i don’t have time to stop and think too much about what could have been had i not crossed the bridge to where i am now..

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

in quebec's countryside. we survived the obstacle courses atop the trees and the almost 200 meter long zip over lakes and hills. it was a fun adventure that i wouldn't mind doing again despite the cuts and bruises i got from the trip. i guess we can't really escape pain if we want to experience the exhilaration of testing our limits and breaking them.

anyway i never really felt any pain right there and then, what with all the adrenaline rushing up my brain. it was a day later when my joints all started to creak and complain. ugh, the travails of getting older..

Lately I’ve been spending too much time at the office, going home late and doing the same things over and over again. This could really take a toll on one’s mental health. I’m now almost certain that this is part of the cause of my current dementia. Well what is there to do when you don’t want to go home and see monsters hiding under the bed or blank walls painted with red stained hands - sounds like Identity, that’s how I know I’ve been watching too many slasher flicks.

All this distraction is actually a great coping mechanism - just go about my merry way and never for a moment give notice to the things which leave holes in me. Empty hollow spaces that remind me of what I don’t have, I don’t need and I don’t miss. What do you do when you have a bunch of white pebbles and all you really want is a shiny black marble? Tough luck eh?

Well, there’s still work, and so I carry on.

"..and it looks like I’m losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning,
though I’m trying hard to understand
…
And there’s a storm that’s raging
through my frozen heart tonight.."

i never really liked this wafer bar, it's too... i don't know, i can't find the right word for it.. i guess it's just not toblerone, my all time favorite chocolate. well it's actually good, i've tried to like it more than once, it's not too sweet nor bitter, just the right consistency and priced well too, ok i sound like an ad already. anyway, it just doesn't do it for me, so i stay away from it as much as possible, unless of course there's no other choice and my tummy is on growl mode. so far, there's still a lot of choices out there.

someone once said that if you dislike a person, even the way he holds his fork will annoy you, but if you do like him, he can spill his soup on your lap and you still won't mind. maybe this is why i get easily turned off by little nuances that some people do, they become this big deal breakers and next thing i know i'm turning down a kitkat though i'm hungry just coz it's not a tobler.

i don't know if that really makes sense at all, but in my world it does. i'd rather go hungry than stuff myself with something i don't really like, after all, man does not live by chocolate alone.

so i guess i'm gonna say pass, no, i'm not interested, you can go have a picnic at central park with whoever you choose, it's just not gonna be me, not in this lifetime, or at least not anytime soon.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

we all die a little death each time we hear news that a former flame from our past life has moved on and found a new love of their own to share their tomorrows with. it is but natural to feel a pang of sadness that can only be drowned by a pint of bellini. so tonight i made a toast for all those butterflies that once visited my garden and added color to my petals. they may have gone on to build their nests on someone else's backyard, but to me, they have always been part of the reason why the sun shines brighter with all the hues of the rainbow in this side of world.

a while ago i was talking to a friend about time machines and forgiveness and all the things in between. some people are lucky enough to afford second chances, while others live with the consequences of their mistakes for the rest of eternity. he is one of those whom fate has smiled upon, he can still correct his wrongs and find the one who got away. i'm happy for him and for everyone who are given another roll at the dice, another pick of the cards, they deserve a big congratulations. not everyone in this lifetime has the power to carve a new story out of the same yesterday.

so this one's for you, because i envy you.. i wish i too could spin the wheel and make things right once more, but i know that chapter of my book is locked and buried in the dungeons, i only have lessons to live with, and past loves to haunt me. thank you for making me a part of your life, that i know you will forget in time. but for now, while everything else is spinning in place around us, i'd just like you to know that it was a fun ride, not to be missed, and for all it's worth, even if it would appear cheezy and corny perhaps, i appreciate you, and everything you did for me. i wish you all the best. you deserve to be happy. now go get her, tiger. =)

everybody has a happy place, somewhere at the back of their minds, a place where they can retreat to when the world has failed them, a distant memory that gives them comfort and keeps them sane. it may be that time when they were walking hand in hand with someone they love and the worries started to fade out of sight or that childhood moment when all was right with the world and everything seemed to last forever.

my secret corner is that time at the fiesta carnival when i was 4 or 5, my ma and pa at one corner table looking over a bucket of kentucky fried chicken while me and my older brother were busy riding bump cars. i was holding a hotdog on a stick and peeling the skin from it while kuya tried to steer clear of the railings. it was one of those carefree times that i would always go back to now whenever i feel sad or alone or betrayed or hopeless or bitter. i imagine myself riding that bump car and spinning round and round and round till all the troubles float in circles above me and finally disappear into thin air.

everyone needs a happy place, a nook where they can hide and be at peace with everything else.. where time stops hurrying for a while and lets one take a deep breath before rushing out into the fast and blinding world once more..

have you been to your happy place lately?

a friend will always want the best for you, unless they're split tongued backstabbers out to get you the minute you look the other way.. more often than not, they will tell you what you need to hear in not too kind words so that you may somehow wake up from your self deceiving reveries. all this, of course, for our own welfare.

i never really took directions well, i always wanted to have my stab at things and carve my own path without having to consult any maps nor ask questions on which street i should turn to or which train i should take. needless to say, i'm not built to take criticisms like a grain of salt. i usually come up with a witty and surprisingly annoying comeback like "this is my life, let me live it, go out and have a life of your own" thus i find it quite hard to accept that some of my closest friends still attempt to needle me by enumerating all my past mistakes.

ok, so i'm not good and wise and perfect like the rest of humankind, but what the heck, i'm allowed to have some temporary lapses of judgement, i haven't killed anyone so far, so i guess i can still have a free pass at life and not be constantly nagged right?

ah well, i'm just ranting, i thought i got over my temper 10 years ago.. seems like it's coming back, must be second childhood.

guess it's been quite a while since i last visited these orange pages of sunset colored memories, a year to be exact. i'm homeless again, wandering along the vast prairies of the western world. i've just survived a couple of snow storms, another clie reset, and a change of job. life just goes on and on like a song that's on eternal repeat.

i needed to post again because the pen has been beckoning me to carve more stories into stone and make a landmark out of each moment. i wish i still remembered how to write.. is it like riding the bike again after spending a long time walking? jittery and unsure at first then after finding the second wind, things go on smoothly from there..

so where do i begin really? today is as good as any for a starting point, i'll just work my way backwards and forwards and sideways.. whatever.

just got back from niagara falls. the weather was balmy, with wind chill at -13 but the place still kept most of it's mystique intact. rode the climate controlled gondola which had a great view of the main attraction and the rest of the city, being on high places gets me high. wish i could be like the seagulls on horesshoe falls, wish i could soar high above my limitations and reach the sky..

okay here's another addition to my collection..

bought this before i went to bc last january but still haven't played it till now. and guess what?! they have a new expansion pack!!! the sims 2 - seasons

arghhhh!!!! when can i catch up on my sims life??

my wisdom tooth decided to torment me today. the gums on the left side are swollen and i cant even open my mouth to speak. not that i talk much anyway, but since i have to ask a lot of questions at work, this would be a total pain.

on a totally different note unrelated to pain, i've noticed that a lot of my friends and acquaitances are getting married this year, at least 5 of them are. must be the season of getting hitched like in grey's anatomy, or i must be getting older. i'm sure the former is more true.

went to cn tower last sunday, 147 stories high with a nice view deck and a 360 degrees revolving restaurant. the tour guide said it was the tallest tower on the planet, so literally we were at the top of the world.. *hum that karen carpenter song on the background* so that’s how it felt like to be on top, alone and empty and not to mention bitter, especially when you’re surrounded by couples smooching each other left and right. you would want to cut the railings and throw them out.

cn has a glass floor and you can look down all you want till gravity pulls your stomach upside down. i discovered i don’t have any fear of heights so i sat and rolled and jumped, wanting to feel the motion sickness that my friend nie was having.. no effects though, i probably left my feelers somewhere. one of the guests asked if it was safe to jump on the glass floor, the guide replied "yes of course, you can jump all you want, you only fall once" =p

riding the subway and going downtown for the first time was quite an experience, we didn’t know where to buy tokens or whether to get transfer tickets. finding our way to the tower was like traversing a maze, we encountered a couple of detours due to police barricades and falling ice. after the sight seeing, we missed the film and the roller coaster simulation and proceeded to dinner and shopping for souvenirs instead. i didn’t get any, i have a feeling i might be going back there sometime soon,.

next stop: niagara falls.